The One That Ran Away

by Hildred Billings

  “Aries.”

  Shannon glanced at the lesbian couple again. No wonder she had been drawn to the woman in the chair. The stars had foretold it.

  “What about Aries am I attracted to?”

  “You, specifically? I have no idea, but as someone who also gets along with Aries, I can say that one of their most redeeming qualities is that they truly do not give a single shit about what other people think of them. It’s hard to find more self-assured people.”

  Oh, boy. No kidding. “Anything else?”

  Jess shrugged. “I think of them as being rather childish, but in the good way. They know how to indulge in nostalgia and have fun when other people might think something is too immature. Yet they need more grounded, mature signs to balance them out. Astrological compatibility is as much about giving as it is taking. Everything is about balance.”

  “Huh.” Shannon had to stop herself from staring at the other woman on the far side of the room. “What about the other sign?”

  Jess acted as if she hadn’t heard her.

  “I said…”

  “Libra,” Jess blurted. “Libra and Aquarius are one of the most solid matches of the zodiac.”

  “Oh.” Shannon didn’t think much of that until she realized that Jess was a Libra. “You’re not joking, right?”

  “I said I’ve been in love with a lot of Aquarians. I wouldn’t joke about something like Libra and Aquarius compatibility.”

  “Wow. Okay.”

  “Uh huh,” Jess said with a sigh. “Welcome to my hell?”

  “So…” Shannon might regret asking this, but how could she not at this point? “What is it about Libras that are so good for me?”

  Jess pressed her fingers against her forehead as her elbow dug into the table. “The thing about us Libras is that we’re vain and judgmental fucks. You Aquarians like vain and judgmental fucks.” She laughed. “What else is there to say?”

  “You had such nice things to say about Aries. Sounds like you’re being too self-deprecating about Libras.”

  “We’re known for being the balanced judges of the zodiac. In a perfect world, every supreme court justice would be a Libra. We can read people and see them for who they really are. Maybe that’s why I’m good at this crap, though I don’t totally believe in it.” Before Shannon could ask anything else, Jess continued, her voice deep with the trained conviction of a professional astrologer, “Libra and Aquarius are a match founded on beauty. Beauty for the world, for finer things, and for people who intrigue them. Aquarians know that they’re hot shit, and Libras recognize what hot shits they are.”

  “Who are all these other Aquarians you’ve been falling in love with?”

  Jess snorted. “You don’t want to know.”

  “They must be pretty special women.”

  “Actually,” Jess said, biting her lip, “you’re the only Aquarius woman I’ve had anything with.”

  “What? That means the others were…”

  Jess shrugged again. “Guilty. My gold star was revoked years ago.”

  Shannon furrowed her brows. “What does that mean?”

  “It means I’ve fucked dudes. I’ve even been in love with them.”

  “I thought you were…”

  “First rule of astrology is the same as the first rule of sexuality,” Jess interjected. “There are no absolutes until you’ve lived through a lot of shit. Even then, absolutes are constructed from bias.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means a bunch of bullshit. Which both sexuality and astrology are.” Jess packed up her belongings, including the astrology books and a deck of tarot cards. “Sometimes you fall in love with a man. Sometimes it’s a woman. Whatever. Sometimes you call yourself a lesbian, and sometimes you’re a bisexual. Either way, you’re probably an asshole, like everyone else.”

  Where had this sudden animosity come from? Or was it always there? Shannon didn’t have a lot of time to ask, since the barista brought over her drink and walked away without a single word. The interruption had been enough to kill the momentum between Shannon and Jess.

  “Sorry,” Shannon said. “If I said something to offend you.”

  Sighing, Jess slowed her urgent motions and held the last of her books close to her chest. “Sorry. Rubbed me the wrong way, I guess.”

  “Guess so.”

  Jess looked as if she would rather bail on this awkward situation than swallow her pride. Shannon wouldn’t blame her. How many times have I insulted her, whether I meant to or not?

  She hadn’t wanted to repeat any of this! I was stupid, thinking anything else could possibly happen. Because that’s what happened when Shannon decided to go after someone, anyone. When she wasn’t resting on her laurels and letting a long line of lovers cross her path, she was botching her own personal pursuits. Of the heart, that was.

  Until that moment, she hadn’t realized that this was about her pursuits!

  Shannon looked Jess in the blue eyes, dread overcoming her.

  Because she suddenly wanted her, Jess had to be pushed away? Because Shannon might finally find peace in her love life, she had to botch it? What happened the last time she pursued someone of her own volition? The sugar daddy. A quick thrill. A quicker buck. A way to continue down my path of self-destruction after breaking up with Nick. She had pursued the man, but he was the one to make sure she felt good and used when it was over.

  No wonder she didn’t like anything that rocked her perceptions of a deadly world. Every time reality shifted, she ended up hurt. When Jess pursued her eight years ago, she fought back until they both lost the best memories of their college years. Now, when she decided to pursue Jess… this?

  That wasn’t the look of a woman who still pined for her. That was a woman who wouldn’t cry to never see her again.

  “You don’t need to go. I’ll go.” Shannon stood up, drink in hand. “You’re the one who has things to do here. I don’t want to infringe.”

  “I’m done for tonight. See you around, Shan.”

  Once upon a time, Shannon would have let her go. She would have seen Jess off with a wave of indifference and a promise to say hello again.

  Not now. Not when she was so close to figuring out the mysteries of the universe.

  “Wait, Jess.”

  She stopped halfway through the small alcove. A couple sitting at a nearby table glanced at them, but kept their opinions to themselves. Jess’s bag slipped off her shoulder.

  “I’m really sorry. For everything.”

  The ball was back in Jess’s court. She decided to take it and head home.

  Chapter 11

  Jess

  The universe had a lot of nerve. Jess’s horoscope had warned her that trials and tribulations awaited her this week – thanks to her Moon in Virgo, the asshole – but she thought it would end with Shannon’s awkward display at the teashop. Unfortunately, the fun had only begun. By Tuesday, Jess was on the phone with one of her biggest SEO clients, on the verge of cracking her professional veneer.

  “Yes, Mr. Thompson,” she reassured the elderly gentleman on the other end of the line, “you’ll have your articles about David…”

  “King David.”

  “Yes, sir, King David. I’ll have the articles about his life by tomorrow evening. 500 words each, fully optimized for Google.”

  “Thank you so much, Ms. Mills. As soon as I confirm their arrival, I’ll send the second half of the payment.”

  Can’t come soon enough! She had rent to pay. She always had rent to pay!

  She hung up with an exasperated sigh. By the time she dragged her hand off her phone, she had realized that she had dumped her book chronicling the known life of King David back home at her parents’ house. So much for using her best source on hand. She would have to refer to her copy of the King James’ Bible and whatever she could find on the internet to fill in the holes. Jess could not say that she majored in King David, specifically, even if she were an Abrahamic historian.

  S
till, five articles at 500 words each by the end of tomorrow? The things she did for money!

  Mr. Thompson was one of her biggest clients, though. The man ran and edited a Christian website dedicated to “the facts” from the Bible. Which cracked Jess up, because the man had such a loose definition of facts that all she needed was the Bible saying “King David existed” for it to be good enough. Even though everything she learned in college – including from her professors, who were mostly ordained ministers – said that there was great debate about the veracity of “King David.” “If he actually existed, then I shit myrrh,” one of her most devout professors had said. “More than likely, he was based on a much smaller king who was blown up for morality tales and inspiration.”

  Well, Mr. Thompson wouldn’t like that, so Jess was pressed to come up with a narrative that could be told in five bite-sized chunks. She could already see the representation on the website now: a slideshow, complete with Mrs. Thompson’s amateur illustrations.

  Whatever. This Religious Studies major needed to make money, and some couple out of Iowa was willing to pay her for her college educated expertise. They never asked if she were devout, and she never asked if they were hypocrites.

  It’s going to be a long two days. On one hand, Jess wanted to scream. On the other, it would be a grand distraction from that mess Shannon put her through Sunday night. She was good at making Jess’s life a mess.

  ***

  Memory #11

  Senioritis had never made a girl so depressed. I reached the point in my studies where I realized I would never get a job, or at least there were no jobs in my field that appealed to me. If I were lucky, I could get a job in academic editing. Fact checking. Cross-referencing the Bible and other religious documents with the texts scholars wrote. Suffice to say, those jobs were few and far between. I was better off teaching English abroad.

  I rarely saw Shannon that fall semester. She had moved to a different part of campus, while I remained chained to sophomore dorms because of the shit the housing department put me through. But at least I had a single room now. At least I had a quiet place to sift through my dark thoughts.

  That doesn’t mean I stopped looking for her.

  Occasionally I gleamed glimpses of her and the beauty that continued to captivate me. Sometimes she passed me by in the dining hall, going to sit with friends I now recognized but didn’t know. Mostly, though, her life was completely independent of mine. We never shared classes. We didn’t have the same social circles.

  That frat party was one of the first and only times I saw her for the first two months of senior year. She had been such a mess, unlike I had ever seen before – and I had seen my fair share of messes at that college. Even Sara claimed that Shannon had, “A bigger death wish than a keg of beer,” which now we both find in poor taste. Back then, though, it summed up what had happened at that party. If somebody hadn’t helped her get home to her campus apartment… I don’t know what would have happened to her. Things I would rather not think about.

  She left me a note on my door, and I was sad to have missed a rare appearance on my side of campus.

  “I’m sorry for the other night,” the note had said. “Let me know how I can make it up to you.”

  I could think of a few ways. None of them good for either of us, of course.

  My birthday was fast approaching, and I intended to have two parties. One for all of my friends, and one that was a simple, intimate affair with a chosen few. After seeing that note, I decided I might change that to a simple dinner date with Shannon Parker. If she would agree to it, of course.

  While I ruminated on what I wanted to write on my note back to her, I happened to bump into her outside of the university center. She sat on a ledge, reading the label on a package in her lap.

  “Hey,” I said. Even after being her acquaintance for so long, I still had to work up the courage to say hello to her. “How you doing?”

  I didn’t expect a smile in my direction. “Hey back. Doing okay. You? Senioritis killing you yet?”

  She had noooo idea. “Mind if I sit?”

  “Go ahead.”

  I sat a respectable distance away from her, backpack clanking to the ground. Shannon pulled out a cigarette and helped herself to a smoke.

  Even though I had seen her smoking before, I was put out that she would do it so candidly around me – especially with the wind blowing in my direction. The moment her tobacco hit me, my eyes itched and my nose ran.

  Still, I sat next to her, because to be around her was to suffer.

  “I got your note,” I said. “It wasn’t a big deal, I promise.”

  Shannon remained quiet and distracted by the comings and goings of people while she smoked. For a while, I assumed she forgot I was there. Or at least, she didn’t want to acknowledge my presence. Bad enough I probably made her think about bad things that may have happened at the party. Here I was, being nosy again.

  “Thanks, though. I don’t know what came over me at that party.” She tapped her ashes onto the cobblestone beneath our feet. “It’s really embarrassing to think about, but I owe you a lot.”

  I had a million questions about her behavior, but I would never dare ask them. Instead, I sucked up my courage and said, “My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Don’t suppose you’re too busy to catch a drink with me or something.”

  Her eyes unexpectantly lit up. Did she think I was asking her out? Because of course I was. I was about to turn twenty-two. If I couldn’t ask a girl out, then what good was I?

  “Just you and me? For your birthday?”

  “Well, not like that…” If only! “I was thinking the night before. It’s on a Friday. Perfect opportunity to relax, huh?”

  “Right before midterms, no less.”

  “My birthday always falls right before midterms. Getting people to go out with me is always a hard time.”

  She laughed. “All right. Let’s go get a drink or something. My treat. It’ll be my birthday present to you.” She leaned back, kicking her legs out while she extinguished her cigarette. “And my thank you for taking care of me the other night, as embarrassing as that was.”

  “Cool. I’ll be in touch.”

  She was the first one to leave, package tucked beneath her arm. I sat on that ledge, unable to believe my fantastic fortune – Shannon Parker, going out with me? Wonders never ceased.

  ***

  A text rolled into Jess’s inbox later that night. She was halfway through the second article about King David, and had brewed a fresh pot of tea to keep her awake long enough to finish at least one more article for the night.

  “Hey,” Shannon texted her. “If I wanted to get more into astrology, what books would you recommend?”

  Somehow, Jess had completely forgotten that Shannon had her number – and the same went the other way around. She had also forgotten that, occasionally, Shannon toyed with her heart enough to make her think the world was going to end.

  “Such a classically Aquarian thing to ask me.”

  “How so?”

  Jess chuckled. When she didn’t have to look at that stupidly pretty face, she was much better at flirting. “Aquarians are known to be intrigued by the universe’s mysteries. Lots of astrologers are Aquarians.”

  “You’re not answering my first question.”

  No, because deep down, Jess wanted to string the lovely Shannon Parker along and make her keep talking well into the night. “There are lots of good books out there for beginners. Everything about the metaphysical world requires knowing yourself well, because only you can gauge what is best for you.”

  “If I become an astrologer, will I have to talk like you?”

  “Yes,” Jess teased.

  She scanned her bookshelf and made a few recommendations. She also offered to let Shannon borrow her books for a while, if she liked. Cheaper than going to the bookstore, and more convenient than dealing with the library – if the library had books like these.

  “You mean you st
ill want to see me after the other night?”

  Jess scoffed toward her phone. “I was being a butt. Not a big deal.”

  “I made you angry, though. It’s only right that I try to make it up to you.”

  What had happened the last time Shannon tried to make something up to her, hm? Something Jess would rather not think about now.

  “Tell you what. Next time I see you, I’ll loan you one of the books I carry with me everywhere. And I’ll give you a tarot reading.”

  “Tarot? Wow. I’ve never done that before.”

  “There’s a first time for everything.”

  A few minutes passed before Jess received a reply. “There certainly is.”

  Jess finished up her article and hit the shower. While in there, she remembered a time when these conversations would have made her so happy, that she would forget to bathe if it weren’t for social conventions.

  It always felt like such a long time. It always felt like yesterday. Today.

  She tapped her head against the shower wall. Sometimes, when she was trapped with her own naked body in the bath, she remembered when someone named Shannon Parker ran her hands up and down that skin and kissed those lips.

  Jess remembered giving back as readily as she took.

  In a perfect world, that would be all she remembered. For a few blessed days her senior year of college, that was all she could remember. Life. Love. Happiness and an affair full of sensual kisses that made her open her heart to the world she always knew existed beyond her imagination and innermost fantasies.

  An affair. That was all it had ever been. College experimentation gone awry. In the end, heterosexuality always won out when its cold, calculating grip strangled hope long enough.

  Chapter 12

  Shannon

  Perusing the metaphysical bookshelves at Powell’s felt a lot like chancing the restricted section as a child. Then again, was there ever a time Shannon didn’t feel like a million eyes were on her while she checked out romance and erotica? Even in the comforts of her own phone, she was convinced that the NSA kept a carefully curated list of every piece of smut she had ever read, both on Amazon and AO3.