More Than Friends

by White, Victoria

  A perky blonde – because wasn’t it always a perky blonde – took the reins then. And Kate had never been more relieved.

  #

  Running into her ex-girlfriend had not been something Kate could’ve expected. Reasonably she shouldn’t have had to. But her her luck was terrible. So of course her ex would be here. She knew the world was small. Sayings existed for a reason, there had to be a grain of truth in them somewhere. But could her luck really be that bad? Yes. Yes, it could. Her night just kept getting better.

  She hadn’t seen Lauren since freshman year, and that was more than three years ago. Not long enough, thought Kate miserably. She could happily spend the rest of her life without seeing Lauren ever again. In fact, she’d been doing a rather smashing good job of that. Had really excelled at it. It was another one of her talents. Kate could avoid with the best of them. She’d spent years perfecting the art of avoidance. Maybe talent wasn’t the word for it. Superpower? Yes. That sounded right.

  And if she couldn’t avoid then, well, at least it was never Lauren she was running into. Usually, when she was on campus it was Lauren’s mother, or one of her two sisters Kate had to worry about. Her sisters were TA’s and her mother a professor. But that was the problem with both small towns and university campuses, eventually you were going to bump into someone you didn’t want to see. And worse, you were going to look your worst when it happened. That was just Murphy’s Law. Kate had reached some sort of unspoken agreement with her ex-girlfriend’s family to just ignore each other when their paths crossed, usually at one of campus cafes or libraries.

  It worked out well enough for everyone, Kate reckoned. But she had never run into Lauren. Which meant they had no such unspoken agreement. There was no unspoken agreement. None. None at all.

  So, when Kate went for a refill, and she caught an eyeful of her ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend – and alright he wasn’t exactly new anymore, he was a two-year-old model at least, but still, she couldn’t help but cringe. She had jinxed herself. Dammit.

  It also meant that when Lauren got an eyeful of Kate, she had no qualms about sitting down next to Kate on the sofa as if they were old friends. Lauren never had much of a problem with anything. It had been one of the things Kate had admired about her. She was one of the most confident people Kate had ever met. Nothing, and Kate meant nothing, stopped her when she put her mind to something. It was a trait she both admired and feared.

  Kate hated it then, all of the sudden, though not unexpectedly, when Lauren disrupted her peace and quiet. The sofa had been a lonesome island she’d found herself contentedly stranded on. But she wasn’t alone anymore.

  Kate drank some more. She was going to have a killer hangover. But that would be a small price to pay – there was not enough alcohol in the world to prepare her for this. For whatever this was. For whatever Lauren was about to do or say. Kate just hoped it wasn’t, ‘How are?’

  She looked good too. Kate peered at her through the side of her eye. She was going to avoid properly looking at Lauren for as long as she could. For as long as bloody possible. Maybe she’d just go away?

  Kate could hope. She was allowed that much, right? There was always a chance, no matter how utterly minuscule that chance was. This is what someone who plays the slots must feel like, thought Kate. Or someone who plays the lotto. There was always a chance…even if the odds were stacked against.

  But she would allow herself this small glimpse – a peek – just to prepare. Her stomach turned and she felt a sharp stabbing pain in her heart, and if her chest felt tight and her mouth dry when she sat in close proximity to the last woman who had broken her heart, well then, she thought it was only natural. She was over Lauren. Had been for the longest time. Kate had always known Lauren wasn’t good for her, but neither was chocolate and yet it tasted so dammed good. Kate had learned the hard way that knowing and feeling were two very different things. And she had never been particularly good with feelings as a whole. Her emotional IQ had always been lacking. If her emotional intelligence was better she might’ve been able to identify the odd feeling in her stomach and the tightness in her chest.

  ‘Kate.’ It was Lauren who broke the silence between them, and finally Kate did turn to face her. She wasn’t going to be rude, then Lauren would’ve won. Lauren wasn’t going to know how much she had hurt her. How much the thought of them, and what they had been and what they could’ve been, still hurt her. It wasn’t even that she missed Lauren as a lover. She missed feeling understood, and seen, and important. But time changes and people change with it. Lauren had changed. That was a fact. It made Kate’s breath catch in her throat.

  The changes weren’t massive. They were small things but they struck Kate harder than they would’ve if they had been grand all-encompassing changes that’d left her near unrecognizable. The struck her like a wrecking ball. She’d had a nose job, that Kate could tell. The little dent in her nose from where she’d broken it when they had gone rollerblading that first time was gone. She’d grown her hair out too. It was longer now than Kate had ever seen it. And she looked – older. Less like the person Kate imagined when she was melancholic and overwhelmed with the why of it all. That helped a bit.

  ‘Lauren.’ Kate ran her tongue over her lips. Saying Lauren’s name didn’t taste the same. It used to taste like anticipation and joy and berries. But now it was bland and somewhat vaguely bitter. Or maybe that was the beer, Kate wasn’t exactly sure, but for peace of mind she was going to stick with the idea that the bad taste in her mouth was entirely a result of just how over Lauren she was.

  ‘It’s good to see you.’ Lauren looked at her meaningfully. Her words felt like an anchor and Kate was a ship that didn’t want to be moored. ‘It’s been too long.’

  Kate viscerally disagreed. She could feel her body rebel against that idea. It was the same feeling she got when politics came up at dinner with her extended family.

  ‘You look good,’ said Kate instead, all the deflection and polite pleasantry she could muster.

  ‘You too.’ Lauren waved a hand with neon orange painted nails at Kate’s general appearance. ‘It suits you. The hair, that is. It’s shorter than I remember it. How long have you had it like that?’

  ‘And yours is longer,’ said Kate. She wondered then, what it was Lauren saw when she looked at her. Kate had changed too. She could never quite wrap her head around that. It felt, more oft than not, like she was still sixteen and that nothing had changed. ‘About two years.’

  Kate’s words hung in the air. And because Kate was on the edge, and really couldn’t handle any more awkward, her quota for that day had been filled, she said the first thing that came to mind, ‘Your boyfriend looks nice. You look happy. What’s his name?’

  ‘James,’ said Lauren taken aback. She played with the rings on her fingers. They were mood stones.

  Kate didn’t know why she asked. She knew his name. Knew exactly who he was. Knew she’d been right to worry all along. There was some vindication in that at least. For what was worth. And as she sat there thinking of Lauren wand what could’ve been it wasn’t worth a whole damn lot.

  ‘James,’ parroted Kate. She took a larger sip of her drink; it was more of a mouthful than a sip at that point. The beer was bitter in the best way possible as it made its way down her throat. She savored it. ‘Congrats.’ She lifted her drink and tipped it at Lauren.

  ‘What about you?’ asked Lauren. ‘Are you seeing someone?’

  ‘Here and there, I’ve seen a couple of people. Casual, mostly. But for now I’m single as can be,’ said Kate with a laugh. ‘I don’t have the time.’

  She wasn’t lying – not properly anyway. It was more of a half-lie situation. Or vaguely fib adjacent. She was single, that bit was true. But she did have the time to date – she just hadn’t found someone who made her feel… seen. Too many awkward coffee dates, movies dates and lunch dates to last her a life time. If she was never asked her major again it would be too soon.

 
‘We should catch up,’ said Lauren suddenly. She leaned in closer, and Kate fought the urge to flinch away. She felt trapped. ‘It’s been too long.’

  What the actual…?

  And then Kate saw it. Then she understood. The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. Lauren did nothing without a purpose. This whole forced and stilted exchange that Kate had to suffer through was all for show. It had to have been. Why would she feel the need to do this? What could she possibly gain from doing this? What could she possibly want? Kate was aware enough to know that it couldn’t be pleasant for her either, to sit here talking to her ex, no matter that she’d been the one that had ended it.

  Kate could see James in the corner of the living room standing with three other guys and talking but not looking at any one them. He only had eyes for Lauren. For what she was doing. Kate could see how tense he was. She could see how tightly he gripped his drink. How studiously he was trying to maintain a facade of nonchalance. She could see it because she had been there before. Knew the steps to this particular dance off by heart. She was James – the original James. She had played this very same game with Lauren more times than she cared to admit. Had fallen for it hook line and sinker every time.

  But not again. Never again. That was a lifetime ago. She wanted no part in making James feel as small as she had when it had been her stood in the corner insecure and jealous and the worst version of herself watching Lauren flirt with someone else. Maybe they’d fought, earlier. Maybe Lauren wanted to prove a point. It didn’t matter.

  Rose colored glasses couldn’t hide the fact that she and Lauren hadn’t been good for each other. They still weren’t. Kate was kind of glad that she could see this – could remember all of the sudden what problems they had had in their relationship. It hadn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. It was good to remember that. To see it so clearly.

  Kate scoffed. She stood abruptly, downed her drink, and left the can on the coffee table in front of her. She’d throw it away later. Hopefully they had a recycling bin hidden around here somewhere. She just needed to get out of there. To get away.

  Lauren startled at the sudden movement. She fell back onto the sofa and looked up at Kate with big eyes. Her lips pouting.

  ‘Good to know you haven’t changed Lauren,’ said Kate in lieu of goodbye as she made a quick exit and wandered back up the stairs. She’d seen a bathroom up there. That seemed as good a place as any to hide – just for a minute or two.

  #

  When Kate walked into the bathroom she was not at all prepared for what she found there. She should’ve been. But she wasn’t. She just wanted minute to herself. A minute to breath. And if she were able to collect her thoughts during that time then all the better.

  Apparently bathrooms were rather popular with the party crowd.

  Kate didn’t knock. That was her first mistake but she realized it too late. She had just barged in, having figured, rather reasonably in her opinion, if someone was using it they would’ve just locked the door. She had been wrong. The bathroom was occupied. Or, more accurately, the bathtub was occupied.

  ‘Shit, sorry,’ mumbled Kate, shocked out of her Lauren induced daze of melancholy and bitterness. She had to do a double take. To make sure she wasn’t seeing things. There were people in the bath. Three people. And they were just sort of sat there in their bathers. One of them was Emily. Kate had seen enough photos of her to know what she looked like. Had avoided her enough to know exactly what she looked like.

  But it was the end of the road for that particular strategy.

  ‘You’re all good, dude,’ said one of the non-Emily’s. And they were high. Great. ‘You want a drag?’

  ‘Don’t smoke,’ said Kate. Which was true. The idea of breathing smoke in, cigarette or joint it didn’t matter, just didn’t appeal to her. Edibles had always been more her thing, when she ever indulged – which hadn’t been in a long fucking time. Not since Lauren. She had given up more than one unhealthy coping mechanism she just hadn’t been able to kick alcohol.

  ‘Thanks, though,’ added Kate as an afterthought. She ran a hand through her hair and sighed. She checked them over to make sure she wasn’t interrupting something more intimate, and when it was clear they were just smoking, she walked over to the sink. Kate cupped her hands and splashed her face. The cold water felt amazing. It was the cleanse she needed.

  ‘You alright?’ asked Emily.

  Kate looked at her and thought about it. Was she okay? Not really. She had been living on the wrong side of alright for the longest time. She’d gotten used to it. Was she about to tell that to someone she’d never met? No fucking way.

  ‘Yeah, I’m good,’ said Kate. ‘Just needed to clear my head.’

  ‘You can join us if you want,’ said Emily. She waved a hand at the bathtub and moved over. ‘It’s quieter in here than it is out there.’

  ‘Wouldn’t want to kill your buzz’, said Kate.

  ‘I have no buzz,’ said Emily. She lifted her drink in explanation and said, ‘I don’t even drink. Bit of a health nut I’m afraid.’

  ‘Fuck it.’ It wasn’t like Kate had anything to lose. ‘Why the hell not?’

  She felt lost. Adrift. Her stomach turned over. And she would do anything to just stop her mind replaying Lauren like broken record. To stop the mental replay of their relationship, the good and the bad, and the utter, utter, inevitable crash and burn that had been the end of it.

  Kate made her way to the bath, and slid in. It was a tight fit. She wasn’t entirely sure two people could’ve fit in the bath comfortably. It was the spare bathroom but was still bigger than most. That didn’t, however, mean it was made for four people. They were like sardines in a can, so tightly packed was the bath. But it was still better than the alternative, going back downstairs and facing Lauren.

  ‘You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,’ said Emily. Her blonde hair was cut short just above her shoulders. Her neck was long, and thin, and her eyes were big and blue.

  ‘Of sorts,’ said Kate with a sigh. She rubbed a hand at her face and at her suddenly tired eyes. She could’ve been in bed. She could’ve been playing video games. She could’ve been asleep.

  ‘That sounds interesting.’ Emily’s smile was impish. ‘I’ve had my fair share of ghosts. But I’ve not seen any of mine tonight. You can’t leave a girl hanging like that. It’s poor form.’

  Kate looked at the other two bodies – the other two people – whom they were sharing the bath and raised her eyebrows pointedly.

  ‘They’re on a whole different planet, we’re the least interesting thing in their night. Probably not even a blip on their radar.’

  ‘Suppose you’re right,’ said Kate. She ran her hands through her hair still not entirely comfortable with this whole sharing business. But, when she thought about it, a stranger was the perfect person to talk to – she’d never have to see them again. She’d never have to worry about what it was they were thinking. It wouldn’t matter. ‘It’s not much of a story.’

  ‘I’m easily entertained,’ said Emily. Her head lolled to the side and rested on her shoulder. She looked at Kate as if she were something interesting. ‘And I don’t think I believe you.’

  ‘It’s a girl,’ said Kate.

  ‘When isn’t it?’ asked Emily.

  Kate froze. That was news. Bryan hadn’t hinted that Emily was interested in girls. Did he know? It didn’t matter much, anyhow. But still, surely, he would have mentioned it to Kate.

  ‘Yeah, well, this girl is better off in the past.’ Kate sighed. ‘Forgotten.’

  ‘I think we might be talking about the same girl.’ Emily’s smile was a wide crooked sort of thing, full of teeth, that made her cheeks bunch up and her eyes crinkle. It was charming. And it was disarming. It put Kate at ease despite her reservations.

  Kate let out a huff of laughter. Maybe Emily wasn’t all bad? She hadn’t had anything against her personally. Never had. She just couldn’t listen to Bryan go on about her again. It was dr
iving her up the wall. ‘Is your ghost here with her new boyfriend?’

  ‘No. She’s not,’ said Emily. ‘I think she’s at some sort of youth group. Maybe she’s at church Maybe she’s making out with her beard of a boyfriend. I couldn’t tell you.’

  ‘Erm…’ Kate winced. What do you say to that? ‘That is rough.’

  ‘You get used to it.’ Her tone was off. And her gaze was far away as if she were someplace else entirely. Kate couldn’t help but watch as she took a gulp of her drink. Was it kombucha? She did say she was a health freak. That would track.

  ‘Some things are just…’ She trailed off and looked at Kate, suddenly present, as if asking her if she understood.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Kate, ‘they are.’ Her voice caught in her throat. She did get it. More than Emily could understand.

  ‘Don’t look at me like that.’ Emily nudged her with her shoulder. ‘My ghost isn’t here. I’m the lucky one.’

  ‘So you are,’ agreed Kate. She smiled at the other girl then. She didn’t know she needed this but she did. It was nice to talk about it with someone who could understand. ‘What’s your story then, lucky one?’

  ‘You’re going to laugh at me,’ said Emily. ‘I can tell.’

  ‘I make no promises.’ Kate looked at her slyly and shrugged. She felt lighter.

  ‘I’m going to regret this.’ Emily looked at her through narrowed eyes. ‘But here goes nothing.’ She sunk down further into the tub and stared up at the ceiling as if she could see the stars. And, in solidarity, Kate did the same.

  ‘God, I’m a cliche and I don’t even know if I’m gay—’

  ‘A promising start.’

  Emily threw her a look and Kate bit her tongue.

  ‘And it’s a total cliche, isn’t it, to fall in love with your best friend? Your very religious best friend.’

  ‘Did she know?’

  ‘We were more than friends,’ said Emily. She said it as if she had said it before. She said it she was waiting for Kate to challenge her. To doubt her. To tell her it was all in her head. If that was what she was waiting for she was going to wait a minute. Kate wouldn’t do that. It wasn’t her place. She hadn’t been there. Hadn’t a clue as to what had happened.