I nodded for him to continue.
“Do you remember The Purple Onion?”
“I think so. They went out of business a couple years ago, right?”
“Yeah. Well, I bought the place.” A giant smile of pride beamed across his face for an instant before he reined it in.
I processed the information he told me, but I couldn’t decide on the appropriate response. My actual feelings and how Howard had probably wanted me to react did a quick little battle.
“Wow,” I said to stall for time. “Uh … that’s huge news.” I should have sensed this day was coming soon. I could feel him growing anxious to move forward with opening his own pub.
“I know it’s pretty unexpected and there’s a lot to tell you about, but this opportunity just came up and it was too good to pass up.”
“Yeah, I want to hear all the details.” Like how Kelly fit into all of it. After that message I read, I was expecting the next big news to come. It was like when you start your period and everyone’s all smiley and trying to convince you what a great thing it is, but all you know is that your whole life just changed in an instant.
“I hope you’re okay with this,” he said rubbing my hand. “I mean, you’re not upset, are you?”
Of course I was upset. Why would I want Howard to finally pursue his dream and be happy? That’s the kind of selfish person I was.
“No, of course not.” I stretched a smile out, but inside I scorned myself for my reaction. If I’d only had a heads up, maybe I would have responded more positively. I would have had time to realize that only thinking of myself and holding Howard back wouldn’t make either of us happy. “It’s going to be great,” I said through a toothy grin.
His phone rang, and we both snapped our heads to the table. “I’ve gotta get that,” he said.
He popped up to take the call, leaving me with a swirl of thoughts going round and round in my head. Get a grip, Emma, I told myself. Change did not always mean the end of the world.
Howard had his back to me. He leaned over the table, writing something with the phone crammed between his shoulder and ear. I knew it was wrong to leave things hanging, but my feet had a mind of their own. A second later they were taking me out the front door.
***
I smelled garlic when I let myself into the house. “Pop, where are ya?” I headed to the kitchen expecting to see him and Lou boiling up some spaghetti. The table was set with a table cloth I didn’t quite remember, and two of everything in place.
“There’s my girl,” Pop said, standing at the stove stirring a pot.
His greeting lit a spark in me. Based on a smile that showed half guilt and half excitement, something was up.
“Hi!” I kissed him on the cheek and peeked in the pan. Red sauce. “For me?” I teased, knowing it wasn’t and hoping my suspicions would be confirmed.
“You’re welcome to join in. I’ve got garlic bread in the oven, too.”
“So I smell. What’s the occasion?”
“Nothing special, really. I was just craving some apple cobbler.”
That made perfect sense—if Pop was already in an old folks’ home talking to himself and calling me Lou. “What are you talking about?”
“She said if I made her spaghetti, then she’d bring homemade apple cobbler. You know that’s my favorite.”
“She?”
He shook his head and then stirred the noodles in a pan beside the sauce. “Don’t make me say it, Emma Jean. You know who.”
“Oh, Mrs. Elwood.” I smiled on the inside. I didn’t want to piss him off and ruin the mood. “So, just a casual dinner between friends, huh?”
“That’s right.”
Two quick whistles and a door slam came from the other room. “Here’s the wine you requested, Sire,” Lou said seconds later as he walked into the kitchen.
Pop’s brows furrowed, telling me I’d better not comment. I guess I didn’t need to wonder where I got my self-consciousness from.
“Thanks, Lou. Sorry you can’t stay,” he said.
“Welcome home, sweet thing,” Lou said to me. He gave me a one-armed hug and handed Pop the bottle. “You’re not even going to invite me to stay?”
“No. Now scram.”
“I can take a hint,” Lou said. “Have fun.” He began to walk away, and I was surprised Pop got off that easy. And then, “Better calm that boy down, Emma Jean. He’s more nervous than Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.”
Pop ignored Lou and stared down at the bottle. “Is this a good wine? She said she liked white Zinfandel.”
According to Howard, white Zin was crap and about the worst thing you could drink next to wine in a box.
“I think it’s a great choice.” No sense adding to the pressure.
“So how was the trip?” He turned the flames on the stove lower and leaned up against the counter. I went along with his obvious desire to change the subject.
“Long, interesting, confusing.”
“I bet. That technology stuff confuses the hell out of me.”
“I wasn’t exactly talking about that part.” I regretted the statement as soon as it left my mouth. It wasn’t the best time to get into a Guy discussion.
“Oh, could you be talking about a certain guy by the name of—”
“Stop! Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. There’s more important things to talk about now, Pop.”
“What’s wrong?”
“For starters, Howard went and bought a bar while I was gone.”
“No shit?”
“That’s what I was thinking. It really caught me off guard.”
“What did you say?”
“Not much. I told him I thought it would be great. Then he got a call, and I took off.”
Pop’s head fell to his chest and his shoulders vibrated up and down.
“So you think this is funny?”
He looked up and attempted to stifle his laughter. “Your life has more drama than Days of Our Lives.”
Sad but true. I sulked to the table and sat down. “I know. And I don’t want that anymore.”
“Then do something about it. You do have options.”
“But, I’m afraid of losing him, Pop.”
He pulled the door open to check on the bread. “No matter what happens now or in the future, you’ll never lose Howard. You two have been like two peas on a fork since the day you met.”
“Don’t you mean two peas in a pod?”
“No, I’m not senile yet. Two peas on a fork! You two peas have been holding onto each other so tight, just so you won’t fall off the edge of the fork and land in, well, life, Emma. That first step is a hell of a leap, but you can do it.”
“I don’t know. It’s different now, though. I’m different.”
“You’re afraid of the reaction?”
“I have a lot to lose, Pop.”
“Do you remember that clubhouse we built in the backyard?”
“Of course.” To me it was a cluboffice, but I never said it out loud.
“When I tore the old shed down, you looked at the pile of wood and wanted us to start building that day.”
“Yeah, I remember sweet talking Lou to help you.”
“I tried to tell you we needed to start from scratch. That we had to get new wood and begin with a fresh new foundation. But you wouldn’t stop until we gave in.”
“Are we getting to the life lesson yet?” I wasn’t used to having nowhere to be, but my patience didn’t know that.
“Don’t be a smartass, Missy. Anyway, do you remember what happened every time those Santa Anas blew through here?”
“How could I forget? Boards fell off. It would lean so far over we thought it would collapse.” I smiled at the memory of Pop and Lou fixing that piece of junk every single time.
“Then one day after a big storm, you marched out there and started kicking the crap out of that leaning house. Damn near knocked the whole thing over. When I came out, you said, ‘Pop, you were right. We need
to start over. Build this thing right from the start.’”
“So you’re saying complete demolition is in order? Start fresh?”
He nodded. “Won’t be easy.”
“That’s putting it mildly. But you’re right.” I thought about all the people that would be affected by my life-changing decision to come clean and start anew. And for some reason, the person I worried most about was Jayne. I needed to have a long talk with her and explain a few things about the person she thinks is her friend.
“I’m always right.”
I got up and planted a kiss on his weathered cheek. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. Now I better get this dinner back on track. Sure you won’t stay?”
“Thanks, but I have a feeling you’ll have much more fun without me.”
Chapter 19
It was Tuesday morning, and my stomach felt like I’d swallowed a potato whole and then drank acid. Proof positive that Jayne had come to mean a great deal to me. Her friendship was part of the reason I sat there dreading what I was about to do. I’d already put it off by calling in sick on Monday, telling Bill it must have been jetlag. Yeah, from a forty-five minute flight. That’s like getting seasick while watering the grass.
If I were honest, it wasn’t only Jayne I was hiding from. But I worked from home, finalizing details on both the first official issue of our newly designed magazine and the launch party celebrating it. I also organized all the notes I took at the tradeshow and promised Bill that Guy and I would give an official presentation at the next office meeting.
As I sat at my desk, staring at the hallway that Jayne would take to her office, I wondered if I would recognize the truth if it came up and bitch-slapped me. When you lived a lie as long as I had, you eventually believe it.
For a second I thought of Guy. No, what happened in Vegas had nothing to do with my decision to cleanse my soul. Guy was a non-issue. And there was no need to tell Howard about it, either. Just forget it ever happened, like I’d told Guy. Thinking about that kiss didn’t serve any purpose. Or was it an almost-kiss? Did that even count? Horseshoes and hand grenades. Whatever it was, it was best left alone.
Thankfully, I didn’t have the chance to tell Howard. He was gone when I returned from Pop’s house that night, and I didn’t wait up for him. He’d been like a ghost ever since. Unable to quit his job yet, he told me he’d work night and day until he could turn that rundown bar into the pub of his dreams. The space from Howard was probably good for both of us, anyway.
I checked my watch. Jayne would be here any moment. I caught a glimpse of Guy across the way and turned my head to my computer to avoid eye contact. But who was I kidding? I couldn’t avoid him forever. I could tell Bill that I wouldn’t be able to make the game tonight, but there was still the launch party on Friday night.
My email displayed on the screen and a string of names glared at me. They would all have to wait, because my mind couldn’t focus on anything until I talked to Jayne. The screen blurred before me as I ran over the various reactions Jayne could have. Then, in my trance-like state, I noticed a haze of pink and black whir by my office. It was go time, but I didn’t get up. My feet were glued to the floor, hands firmly grasping the sides of my chair. Was this the part where your life flashes before your eyes? I thought of my first weeks at New You magazine. How I’d kept to myself, worked hard, and tried to find opportunities to stand out while blending in. I know it sounds crazy, but eventually it worked. Bill retired my “Newlywed News” column and I became a copy editor. But it wasn’t until I became managing editor, until Jayne and I became friends, that I started to notice a change in me. That I started to feel and care about the people I work with. Caring is complicated as hell.
I sucked in a giant breath, held it, then blew it out.
“Hey, Jaynie,” I said in her doorway.
I hadn’t seen her since before I left for the trip. She looked up with a dazed kind of smile that I couldn’t quite read. “Emma, hey.”
“Got a minute?”
“Are you kidding? Get your ass in here. I want to hear about the trip. Then I’ve got my own little update for you.”
I took a seat, only half-listening, formulating my words before I spoke them. “Jaynie, I really want to talk to you about something.”
Her face grew concerned. “Did something happen on the trip?”
“It’s not about the trip. It’s just … I need to tell you something. But I want to explain a few things first.”
“Sounds serious.”
“I’ve really appreciated your friendship and how close we’ve grown.”
Her hands grabbed the desk in front of her and she shot forward. “Oh, my God, are you sick, Emma?”
“No, it’s nothing like that.” At that point I almost wished I was about to ask for a kidney.
She let out a sigh of relief and settled back into her chair.
“You’ve really taught me a lot.”
“Really?” She seemed genuinely surprised. “I could say the same about you, Emma. I’ve learned so much here.”
“Thanks. But, I was talking about friendship and values. You’re a wonderful person, and I’m proud to have you as my friend.”
“Aww, you’re so sweet.” Her hand jutted forward across the desk to take hold of mine. I met her half-way, felt a warm squeeze.
And then I saw it. “Jaynie! Is that—?”
“Yes, can you believe it? Hank proposed.”
Suddenly I felt a whole different kind of sick. Then the sickness turned to panic. What the hell was I supposed to say? I scrambled for a response. Shit! Wait! This was obviously supposed to be a happy occasion. Of course she wanted me to be happy.
“Wow,” I said, like déjà vu. Hadn’t I just had this conversation with Howard? I plastered on a smile, all the while wondering how this could have happened so quickly. Last I heard, Hank had split after his late-night booty call and Jayne had taken up with Hugh Humphries. But Jayne did say he sent her flowers. Was that all it took? “Congratulations, Jayne. I’m really happy for you.” That hadn’t sounded genuine even to me, but I didn’t think she noticed.
“Well,” she said, pulling her hand back. “I actually haven’t said yes yet.”
“Oh?” I hoped my raised eyebrows were enough of a question to elicit more details.
“Yeah, he just asked me yesterday, and I was kind of hoping to talk to you.”
Argh! No pressure there. “Well, let’s start with the story. How did it happen?”
My mind spun as I listened to her recount the details of Hank’s proposal. I may have missed a few key points in there, but heard something about Hank showing up with flowers and an iPod. He proceeded to stick the ear buds in her ears to serenade her. The problem was that he started his little proposal speech, but she couldn’t hear a word he said until he reached into his pocket for the box, and she plucked the stupid things from her ears.
“And after Hank Jr. didn’t come home,” she said, snapping me back to attention, “he realized that he couldn’t live without me, either.”
“So you’re saying that a dog is the reason he proposed?”
“When you say it like that, it doesn’t sound very romantic.”
A squeal behind my chair startled me. I turned to find Nannette standing in the doorway.
“Oh. My. God! Jayne, did Hank propose?”
“Yes!” Jayne stood abruptly and stuck out her hand for proper viewing.
Nannette floated in followed closely by Adam.
“It’s beautiful!” Nannette said, gripping Jayne’s finger.
“Let me take a look at that rock,” Adam said as he scooted into Jayne’s office.
A small crowd gathered at the doorway, including Marty and two of our other freelancers. I stood and waited for them to pass. Then I sneaked out like a coward, listening to the oohs, ahs, and congrats, as I paced down the hall.
I quickened my step, hoping to make it to the lounge before anyone stopped me. But as I got closer,
my pace slowed. It was ridiculous. I couldn’t hide forever. I stood there staring at the door. Then with new determination, I made an abrupt turn on my heel to head back to Jayne’s office and ran right into Guy.
“Whoa. What’s the hurry?” Guy said, catching me in his arms. His hands cupped my elbows, and my gaze fell deep into his. That was the last thing I needed. I flung my arms down and pushed back from him.
“Sorry,” I tried to walk past him, but he grabbed my hand.
“Wait. What’s going on?” he said in a soft voice.
A pulse of electricity traveled up my arm. I told myself it meant nothing. I was upset, confused. My head shook in frustration.
“Nothing.” I tried to pull away, but he held firm. He looked around and then yanked me into an empty office.
“Guy, I’m fine.” My attempt to convince us both had not worked. He continued to hold my hand, staring at me until I caved. And for a moment, I didn’t want to let go. That small gesture, of his hand around mine, had brought comfort if only for a moment. And in the moment, I almost felt that things could end up all right. But this wasn’t a fairytale that delivered a happy ending wrapped in a bow, so I slipped my hand from his and turned my gaze away.
“Emma, I know things are awkward between us. But I have a feeling this isn’t just about Vegas. I can see it in your eyes.”
How could he read me so easily? I’d never been an open book, but Guy seemed to be able to wander through my pages and read the lines before they were written down.
“Maybe I’ve got some things going on right now, but I can handle it.”
“I have no doubt you can handle just about anything.” He leaned up against a desk and folded his arms. “But you shouldn’t have to do it alone.”
“I’m not.”
“Then why do you look so … lonely?”
If I was feeling lonely, it was quickly turning into pissed. I didn’t need someone telling me how I felt. Not now.
“You don’t know how I’m feeling.”
“You’re right, Emma. I don’t think anyone does.” He stood and took a step toward me. I didn’t respond, just shook my head. What could I say when he kept being so right?
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