by Vivian Wood
“Stop the car,” Eli said. His voice had taken on a hauntingly quiet quality Henry had never heard before. The driver eased the SUV over with a grace he shouldn’t have been capable of. Clearly, he was far from deaf. Just knew how to mind his own business. You could learn something from him.
“Get out,” Eli said. His fists were balled up so tight the knuckles had gone white.
Henry thought to argue, but the resolve in Eli’s eyes told him he’d better follow orders. “I’m sorry,” he said one last time as he unbuckled the belt.
“Sorry doesn’t cut it, you motherfucking piece of shit,” Eli said. It was strange. He barely moved, his voice was even, but the rage that bubbled beneath the surface was palpable. “That’s Ellie we’re talking about. She’s in surgery because of you. She almost died, might still die, because of you.”
“I know. I know. I’m sorry.” It was all he could come up with, and he knew it wasn’t good enough.
“No, you’re not,” Eli said. “If you were sorry, it wouldn’t have happened. How many times did it happen, anyway?”
“It?”
“How many times,” Eli repeated slowly, “did you fuck my sister?”
Henry couldn’t bring himself to answer. He couldn’t even if he wanted to.
“So many times you can’t keep track?” Eli asked. “Is that it? You know, I wouldn’t accept an apology from you even if it was just one time. But I know you. I know you. It wasn’t just one time. You’re not sorry.”
“I am,” Henry whispered.
“Oh, I believe you’re sorry that she’s in surgery. I believe you’re sorry you got her pregnant. I don’t doubt that. Both of those are big inconveniences for you. But you’re not sorry about fucking her, are you?”
Eli did know him. Was he that transparent? He couldn’t answer anymore. No amount of apologies would amount to anything.
“Answer me,” Eli said. “You’re not sorry about fucking her, are you?”
Henry knew what he had to say, and what Eli needed to hear. “No,” he said.
“Get out of my fucking car,” Eli said.
Wordlessly, Henry stepped out of the SUV and shut the door.
Eli was furious with him, and rightfully so. He watched the nondescript vehicle as it pulled away. This is probably the last time you’ll see him.
Henry reached for his phone to call an Uber. Fuck, it’s at home. It took him twenty minutes to hail a cab on the busy three-lane street. No matter what Eli said, or what he thought, Henry was getting to that hospital. Let Eli do whatever he wanted then. But he had to get to Ellie.
“Not safe!” the cab driver called through his window. “Not safe to stop here!”
“It’s an emergency,” Henry said. He pulled at the car’s doors, but they were locked.
“Go to parking lot, there,” said the driver, and he pointed to a Walgreens lot one block away.
“What the hell? You won’t let me in here?”
The driver shook his head. “Cops everywhere. Ticket if I let you in here.”
Henry bolted toward the parking lot, his dress shoes pinching his feet with every step. Cars blared their horns when he ran across the lanes, far from any discernible crosswalk. “Watch where the fuck you’re going!” a driver yelled. Henry didn’t care. He wouldn’t have cared if a semitruck ran him down, except that he had to get to Ellie first. Please. Just let me get to her, and then anything can happen.
“You crazy, man.” The cab driver let out a giggle, exposing rows of crooked yellow teeth. “What you doing stranded on the road in them fancy clothes?”
“Bethesda,” Henry said, out of breath from the adrenaline.
“All okay?” the cab driver asked as he pulled the car onto the road.
“I don’t know,” Henry said.
“Aye, no worries,” the driver said. “Relax. Will be okay. Something wrong with you? Or someone there?”
“Somebody there.” Henry didn’t know why he was answering all of these questions, but it felt good. To talk to somebody who didn’t know him, had no reason to judge. He felt like a dam was about to burst in his chest.
“Is a girl, ya?”
“Yeah.”
“No worries,” he repeated. “Will all be okay. Ya?”
“I don’t know,” Henry said. He didn’t. How much had Eli really told him? Before he found out Henry was the one who destroyed his baby sister, he might have tried to protect him. Henry was aware of just how little he knew. He didn’t know Ellie was pregnant, didn’t know he loved her, didn’t know anything. All he knew was that he had to be there for Ellie. That was it.
But knowing that wasn’t going to be enough.
Chapter Thirty
Before she even heard the voice, Ellie felt the cold wash over her. She was freezing. Why is it so cold? And why did her arms ache? It made her want to go back to sleep.
“Breathe.” Henry? No. That wasn’t him.
“She’s not breathing,” she heard a woman’s voice say. They all annoyed her. She was exhausted. God, just let me sleep.
“I need you to breathe.” The man’s voice boomed into her skull.
“There she goes,” said the woman. Ellie didn’t understand why they yelled at her. I’m breathing just fine.
Someone lifted her arms. They felt like dead weight. Why can’t I lift my arms? A loving hand rubbed her forearms, encouraged blood flow back into them. “Move her out,” a third voice said.
She blinked open her eyes, but it was too bright. Blinding. All she could make out was row after row of fluorescence. “You did good.” The man’s sudden face looming over hers scared her. His blue face mask hid any hint of expression.
“You, too,” Ellie said. She sounded drunk. He laughed, but she didn’t know why.
Warmth slowly came back to her. It pulled her back to reality, and she started to take in the room. The mechanical contraption of a hospital bed she was in. The pinch of the pulse monitor on her finger. Where am I? She was still so tired, and her eyes fell shut again.
“Ellie. Thank God.” It was her mom’s voice, somewhere, but she couldn’t find her face. “What’s wrong with her?”
“Don’t worry,” said a strange voice. “She’s still feeling the drugs. It’ll wear off soon, but she’ll be woozy for a while.” Ellie felt her mom’s familiar hand on hers. She tried to squeeze it, but couldn’t.
“What? What happened?” It was almost impossible, but she forced it out.
“I’ll leave you two for a moment,” the strange woman said.
“How much… how much do you know?” her mom asked from somewhere on her right.
Ellie just shook her head. It was all she could manage.
“You, um, you had an ectopic pregnancy.” An erotic pregnancy. It made her chest quake with laughter, and the words swam like little fish to her brain. She felt high, no longer so tired. “Ellie? Oh! Ellie, Eli and Ryan are here.”
“I’m a fish bowl,” Ellie told the room. Her words finally poured out. “Did you know? Fish can live inside you.”
“Damn, Ellie, they must have gave you the good stuff,” Ryan said. She could sense him near her feet.
“Don’t tell,” she said.
“Ellie.” It was Eli on her left. His hand rested cautiously on her forearm. “Are you okay?”
“Is all gone swimmingly,” she said, and made herself fall into another fit of laughter. “Is she okay?” Eli asked their mom.
“The doctor said she is. She lost the baby. Of course.”
“Hela,” Ellie said. “Her name’s Hela.”
“She doesn’t know?” Eli asked.
“I don’t think so,” her mom said. “She’s too out of it right now for anyone to explain it to her.”
“Where’s Henry?” Ellie asked. “Eli…”
The room went silent. Why isn’t anybody answering me? Her mom stroked her arm. “Where’s Henry?” she asked again. She forced her eyes open.
Why did everyone look so worried? So scared? Her mom was on
the verge of tears, and Ryan was mostly quiet for the first time she could ever recall. And Eli? He looked absolutely crazed with anger. Was he mad at her?
“Where’s Henry?” she asked, quieter this time. Eli’s jaw muscles twitched.
“No.” It was all he said.
“Eli—”
“Ellie, I said no.”
Her mom gasped. “Eli! Was it Henry? When did—”
“But I love him.”
“Ellie, you don’t know—” Eli began.
“I love him,” Ellie yelled to the room. A nurse walked by and stuck her head in and gave them all the look to behave.
“You need to rest,” Eli said.
“I don’t care what you say,” Ellie said. She’d never talked back to Eli like that before. Her mom, Eli, and Ryan exchanged glances.
Her mom turned and started walking out of the room. “Where are you going?” Eli asked.
“Enough of this. I’m going to get Henry,” her mom said.
“I don’t think—” Eli started.
“Elijah. I don’t care if you’re president or if you’re the goddamned king of the world. You’re my son, this is my daughter, and you don’t get to tell either of us what to do.” Ellie couldn’t help but smile. Her mom, finally, had stuck up for her.
Eli’s face was bright red, but he shut up. Ryan’s eyes were huge discs. The two of them moved to the chairs on the far side of the room and slumped into them side by side. They didn’t say a word until her mom returned, and for Ellie it felt like years. She could feel the drugs wearing off and the high subsided. Ectopic pregnancy. That’s what her mom had said.
Pre-surgery memories crept back into her slowly, like shame. Not viable. They must have tied down her hands so she wouldn’t accidentally move them during the surgery. The strongest painkillers were almost gone, and Ellie began to feel a deep pang in her side. Through the stiff cotton of the hospital gown, she gently fingered her abdomen. It stung, and she felt wiry stitches.
She didn’t need to explore to know her baby was gone. The drugs had given her false comfort. But with clarity, she just knew. She felt the emptiness inside her—she was gone. It had been too early to know the sex even if she’d wanted to, but she’d known regardless. She’d been a girl, and her name was Hela.
“Ellie!” Henry burst through the door with her mom trailing behind. He was at her side instantly. As he stroked her hair, her tears fell in thick rivers.
“I’m sorry,” she choked out. “About it all. And… the baby. I’m sorry I lost our baby.” He pulled her head to his chest to comfort her.
“It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.” He repeated it over and over like a mantra. If he just kept on, maybe she’d believe it.
“Is Eli mad?” she whispered to Henry. She felt him lift his head and look toward the corner where Eli sat in silence.
“Don’t worry about that right now,” he said.
“Whoa! You’ve got a whole party in here!” The chipper nurse picked up on the mood after her cheery entry. “Are you… are you all family?” she asked.
“Yes,” her mom said with authority. The nurse didn’t question her.
“Eleanor,” the nurse said as she flipped through her chart. “I understand the episode happened very quickly. Is that right? Do you understand what happened? Why you’re here?”
“Kind of,” Ellie said.
“Okay. I’m going to get the doctor to talk to you,” she said. “Everyone? She needs to rest, and I need to check her vitals. You’re welcome to stay in the waiting room, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.”
“I’ll be right down the hall,” Henry said. Ellie kept hold of his shirtsleeve. She didn’t want him to go. What if he never came back? She breathed in the scent of him. “I’ll be right there,” he said. “I promise.”
“We’ll all be just a few steps away,” her mom said from the doorway. “Don’t you worry.”
“Mom,” she said, and her mom moved to her bedside as the nurse bolstered her up. “I’m sorry I disappointed you.”
“You didn’t disappoint me,” her mom said with a smile. “Surprised me, sure. But you could never disappoint me.”
“She really needs to rest,” the nurse repeated in a more serious tone. Ellie watched them all leave. Eli first, and Henry last. Whether or not they both planned to keep their distance, she wasn’t sure. But at least having Ryan and her mom as a buffer between them was a wise idea.
“Eleanor.” A young, striking man in a white coat appeared in her doorway an hour after the nurse left. “I’m Dr. Lee, your attending physician.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t remember you.”
“I don’t expect you to,” he said. “I’ve been told that you fainted suddenly at an event earlier this morning. And I see from the charts sent over by your OB-GYN that you knew you were pregnant. What we have here is an ectopic pregnancy—unfortunately, this usually happens to women with an IUD.”
“Okay.”
“It can be very dangerous to the mother. The fetus was never viable. The egg implanted in your Fallopian tubes instead of the uterus.” He's lying. Hela was there. She might not have ever been meant to come into this world, but she was there. “Fortunately,” he continued, “there was no permanent damage done. You shouldn’t have any problem conceiving in the future. You did require surgery to remove the fetus. And I’d recommend removing the IUD and choosing a different form of contraception. Once a woman has one ectopic pregnancy, they’re more likely than others to have another.”
“Okay.”
“Eleanor,” he said. A hint of kindness finally arrived in his eyes. “Is there anything you want to ask me? Want to know? Do you understand all this?”
“I understand,” she said.
“Good. I know it’s still a shock, especially considering the circumstances. The side effects came on strong, but that’s ultimately what probably saved your life.”
“She was viable.”
“Excuse me?”
“You said the pregnancy wasn’t viable. And… I know what you mean. But she was alive. She was here.” Ellie ensured he looked at her, commanded he do so with her tone.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” he said. It was a canned response, but it seemed that was all he could manage. “I—I honestly couldn’t tell you, medically speaking, if the fetus was ‘alive’ or not. You were only a few weeks along, and that would have required further testing.”
“I know,” she said.
“And I’m certain you do,” he said. “I’m just here to tell you the facts of your surgery and treatment here.”
“Thank you.”
He turned to walk away, but paused. As he sorted through his stack of papers, he came back into the room and stood by her bed. “I don’t know if you already have this, but your OB-GYN’s office sent us all of your information when we were admitting you. I have your sonogram if you want it.”
“Thank you,” she said as she took the paper. And this time she meant it. She held the image of Hela in her hands. She was the tiniest of things, a blip on Ellie’s radar.
Wasn’t it always the smallest of things that shook you to your center?
Chapter Thirty-One
“Eli! Wait up,” Henry called down the hall. Eli had his back to him and was surrounded by guards. Some were in plainclothes, but a couple were in full armor as if they had come straight from a battlefield.
“I don’t have anything to say to you,” Eli said. His anger seemed to have given way to exhaustion.
“Can we talk for a minute?” Henry asked.
Eli sighed and looked at his phone. “You have five minutes,” he said, and nodded to his crew to step away.
“Look,” Henry said as they sat down in cracked vinyl chairs. The occasional passerby had their eyes glued on Eli. They thought they were discreet as they snapped photos of the president. Eli’s crew had already cleared the floor of everyone except a handful of doctors and medical personnel. After one o
f the guards silently took the phone from a young boy in scrubs and deleted the photo, the rest put their own phones away. They made do with watching Eli out of the corners of their eyes and pretended to be busy. “I never intended this to happen.”
“But it did,” Eli said. “Out of all the… all the women, you had to go…”
“It’s not like I planned it,” Henry said. “I’m—Eli, I’m going to be in Ellie’s life as long as she’ll have me. So it would be better if we put this to bed now rather than sniping at each other forever.”
“Yeah. Maybe,” Eli said. “Let’s go to the roof. There are too many eyes around here.”
The two of them were taken up a flight of stairs while guards dispersed to post themselves at every possible entrance. Above it all, the wind whipped through Henry’s hair and tousled Eli’s normally perfectly pressed suit. When did we get like this? Twenty years ago, we couldn’t have imagined being where we are now. “I’m still the same person, Eli,” Henry told him, and hoped he knew what he meant.
Eli responded by punching Henry squarely in the face. “Fuck! My nose,” he said. He could already feel the blood start to pour out.
“You think I give a damn about your nose?” Eli asked. Rage shot through Henry, but he knew he couldn't do a thing. Even though he couldn’t see any guards, he knew they were around. They were always around. And there was no way they were going to let him get near Eli.
Henry rubbed his face. The shock faded and gave way to pain. “That’s not fair,” he said.
“I could tell you about what’s fair. And neither of us are the same person,” Eli said. “And this… with Ellie… it just makes it worse.”
“Of course it’s still us,” Henry said. He forced himself to lower his hand and take what he deserved as he should. Eli could have done a lot worse. He should have done a lot worse.
“Did you… did you always think of her like that?” Eli asked.
“Jesus! No! She was a kid. I didn’t even think of her much at all until we ended up at the cabin together.”