Complicate Me

by M. Robinson

  Who would want that anyway?

  Nothing pissed me off more than being called a girl.

  I was constantly showing them up because I had to. I was always covered in bruises, skinned knees, and dirty clothes. My hair tied up high on my head, either in pigtails or a ponytail. When I was four years old I took a pair of scissors that I found in my mama’s nightstand and walloped off all my hair, cutting it short just like the boys. From then on out they hid the scissors from me and always tied my hair up, fearing that I would do it again if given the chance.

  Lucas was secretly my favorite out of all the boys. You could even go as far as saying that I loved him a little bit more than the rest of them. I didn’t know why, I just did. It had always been that way for me and I often felt like the feeling was mutual. Though we never spoke about it until we were older and understood the emotions that circulated through the years. He was always the most handsome out of all the boys and girls were pining over him since the day he was born. He had dark hair that complemented his baby blue eyes that resembled the ocean water on a warm summer day. He had prominent facial features that I never got tired of looking at, and even at that young of an age, he knew it.

  Lucas was just as tall as Jacob, maybe slightly taller. He was built broader than the other boys because he surfed like crazy. All the boys did, but Lucas was obsessed with it. You could always find him on the waves whether it was night or day. He wanted to grow up to be a professional surfer, often riding waves that no one else dropped into and making all of us nervous.

  The boy had no fear.

  He had a baby sister, Lily, she was a few years younger than me, but we didn’t become friends until much later in life. I swear the girl came out singing with a guitar in her hand, they put her in lessons by the time she was five. Their dad, Dr. Robert Ryder was one of the only doctors we had in town, often seeing patients that weren’t even part of his medical degree, while his mom Savannah was a housewife.

  I couldn’t tell you how many times Dr. Ryder stitched us up right in his very own living room, not bothering to take us to his office. Bringing home medical supplies became a thing of the norm since we were constantly getting hurt. I remembered the first time I needed stitches. I was six years old and tried to jump off the riverbank like Dylan and my knee caught the rock at the bottom of the river. It hurt like hell, but I didn’t cry, I never cried. I bit my lip as hard as I could to keep the damn tears from falling down the sides of my face. Lucas tried to sit me on his handlebars, but it hurt too much to bend my knee. So I sat facing him on his lap as he rode his bike home.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck and held on as tight as I could, while my good leg draped over his lower back and my hurt one sat stiff as a board in the air. I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, but I couldn’t hold back the tears. I cried the entire way to his house. His shirt was covered in nothing but my sissy tears by the time he parked his bike on his front lawn. He didn’t say a word about it when he kissed my forehead, telling me everything was going to be alright and that he would never let anything happen to me. He carried me inside while the rest of the boys patiently waited for the wrath of our mothers, knowing they would be yelled at for letting me do something so careless.

  Lucas held my hand the entire time his dad stitched me up and not once made me feel bad about crying. The rest of the month, while my knee healed, I rode on the handlebars of his bike. The boys continuously offered me to hitch a ride with them, but Lucas was adamant that I was only riding on his handlebars. If they thought he was being possessive over me, they never shared it.

  That’s just how we were with each other and they knew it.

  And then there was little ol’ me, Alexandra Collins. The truth was everyone thought I was supposed to be a boy, even the doctor. Much to my parents and families surprise I came out a girl, screaming like a bat outta hell to put me back in. My parents already had a name picked out for me. They were going to call me Alexander, Alex for short. Seeing as they didn’t have much time to decide on another name, they wrote down Alexandra on my birth certificate and still called me Alex for short. I grew up with these boys, at ten years old I was a Half-Pint compared to all of them. They had been calling me that since the day we watched an episode of Little House on the Prairie and the dad called Laura Ingalls, Half-Pint.

  I never crawled, I went right to walking and my first word was, “Shit.” My mom slapped my dad on the back of the head the moment it came out of my mouth, at least that’s what they told me. Like I said before, I was the only child, Dylan and I had that in common. I never wished for siblings, I didn’t need to I had my boys. I stuck to them like gum did on the bottom of your shoe. One way or another they were my big brothers. I loved each one of them in my own way. The feelings were very much mutual, I would do anything for them and vice-versa. We were best friends, day in and day out.

  I stomped my foot on the ground to emphasize my words. “You let me up there! Before I… before I…” I stumbled on my words.

  “Before you what, Half-Pint? Go running to mommy and daddy and tellin’,” Dylan shouted.

  My mouth dropped open. “I would do no such thing! I ain’t no tattle tale. Now you let me up there, ya hear?”

  “Come on, guys, just let her come up,” Lucas reasoned, looking from me to them.

  I nodded in agreement. “Yeah come on, guys, just let me up there,” I repeated.

  Sometimes they would get a stick up their ass and just want to pick on me for no good reason. I hated when they did this, I think they got a kick out of me not backing down. They wanted to see my feisty spirit, the same one they so proudly claimed was due to them.

  Austin rolled his eyes. “I knew you would be the first one to cave!” He pushed Jacob in the chest. “Told ya! You owe me five dollars.”

  Jacob glared at him and then back at me. “Fine! We were just teasing you, we were going to let you up here anyway. You’re so easy to tease, being a Half-Pint and all.”

  “Yeah, whatever.” I shrugged, brushing him off. “I could take you on any day, just tell me when and where, Jacob Foster.”

  “You and what army, Alexandra!”

  “Don’t call me that! My name’s Half-Pint.”

  Lucas laughed and threw down the ladder for me to climb. As soon as my foot touched the last step he held out his hand for me to take and I smiled as he pulled me up the rest of the way.

  “Wow! This is awesome!” I said, looking all around me. They had made it into our own little fort, but their heads barely cleared the roof. I opened the lid of one of the compartments near the front entrance.

  “No!” Lucas shouted, shutting it forcefully behind me, making the floor rattle.

  The rest of the boys broke out into laughter.

  I cocked my head to the side, confused. “What?”

  “Nothin’. You don’t need to go in there is all,” Lucas justified.

  I put my hands on my hips. “Why not?”

  I caught Austin blushing. Jacob and Dylan were grinning like two fools. I thought their faces might get stuck like that.

  “What?” I repeated, wanting to know what the big deal was about.

  “Just let her look, Lucas, she’s going to find out eventually what’s going to happen to her,” Jacob interjected, making Lucas scowl over at him.

  “What’s going to happen to me?” I asked, even more curious than I was before.

  Lucas sighed, knowing I wouldn’t back down until I got my answer. He stepped aside and let me open the lid again. I looked down below and all I saw were women’s faces looking back at me. They were barely dressed and posing like something you would see Jessica Rabbit do.

  I told them over and over again not to bring those magazines up here. They knew that our Half-Pint shadow would get her way and be up here hanging out with us. Everywhere we went she wasn’t that far behind us. I swear the boys did it on purpose, constantly wanting her to admit that she was a girl and not one of us. We all loved her in our own way, it
wasn’t coming from a bad place but she was just a girl, and we never let her live that down.

  I loved picking on her as much as the other boys did. I believed it was in my blood to do it. My dad picked on my mom relentlessly, and my grandfather did the same with my grandmother. It was a Ryder trait. If we didn’t pick on our girls, then we didn’t love them enough. My dad constantly reminded my mom that the day he stopped picking on her would be the day he stopped loving her.

  I watched her bright brown eyes widen as she picked up the July issue of one of the magazines. She opened the first few pages and gasped letting it go. It fell to the ground at our feet. The guys all busted out laughing and it took everything in me not to kick them each in the balls for what I knew she must have seen.

  “Why are they doing that?” she quickly questioned, the subtle red approaching her cheekbones while her stare remained on the magazine laying open on the floor again.

  “They’re posing,” I simply replied, knowing it wouldn’t be enough of an answer for her.

  “Yeah but why they posin’ like that? They’re naked.” She wouldn’t look up at me and I knew why. She didn’t want us to see her looking embarrassed and insecure. The pigtails on top of her head already made her appear like a child.

  I glared at the guys, they all cockily held my penetrating gaze, not paying any mind at how pissed off I was. I had a bit of a temper. I could go from zero to ten in nanoseconds. That was also a Ryder trait.

  Dylan patted my back. “It’s alright, Lucas, I’ll tell her. Those women are posing like that.” He nodded toward the ground. “Because men use those magazines to play with their—”

  I shoved him and his back hit the wall. He bounced off of it and laughed so hard that he nearly fell over. “Oh come on, Lucas, stop being such a pansy and just tell her. She has a right to know what happens when we all grow up,” he justified, infuriating me further.

  “What happens?” her soft voice trailed, making her pouty lips pucker out.

  Jacob smiled. “Nothin’ to worry your pint-sized head about. It’s just boy stuff, and one day when Lucas doesn’t get his panties all in a bunch about it we will tell you.”

  “But I want to know now,” she replied, looking over at him. I'm not going to lie, it stung like hell that she looked at Jacob but wouldn’t look at me.

  Why didn’t she look at me?

  “Of course you do. Can I tell her, Lucas? Or are you going to push me again if I do?” Dylan asked, watching me like a hawk.

  I shrugged, sweeping the hair back from my face and walking toward the back of the tree house away from all of them. “Whatever.” I leaned against the wooden wall and placed one foot in front of the other, getting comfortable and crossing my arms.

  I tried to ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted Alex to stay innocent. We were all changing — our bodies, our needs, our emotions. They were evolving into something I didn’t quite understand yet. It terrified me that she might think less of me if I wasn’t the boy she had grown up beside and loved.

  He stepped closer to her and reached for the magazine. “This, Half-Pint, is a nudie magazine. These girls get paid a shit ton of money to show men their bodies.”

  Her face frowned, taking in his words. “Why?”

  “Why not?”

  “I understand why men would want to look at them, I’m not stupid.”

  She didn’t get it. She was just trying to save face.

  “But why would the women want to be looked at like that?”

  “Some women want the attention. One day you’ll look like that and you will understand.”

  Her head jerked back, offended. “I will never look like that, Dylan, you’re dead wrong about that one.”

  Damn straight she wouldn’t. I’d never let her.

  He chuckled. “You will and Lucas over there is going to use you to play with his di—”

  “Shut your hole!” I yelled, my fists clenching at my sides.

  He cunningly grinned. “You’re too easy, Lucas.” He threw the magazine back in the cubby and put his arm around Alex, tugging her closer to him and kissing the top of her head. “One day you won’t be our Half-Pint. Let’s keep you just the way you are for as long as we can, huh?”

  She looked up at him with complete adoration and love. “I’ll always be your Half-Pint,” she whispered, nestling in close to his chest.

  I nodded.

  She took the words right out of my mouth.

  We spent the rest of the summer riding our bikes and getting into trouble. My thirteenth birthday was a few days ago and I hated making a big deal out of it. I wasn’t much for being the center of attention, unless I was on a wave, riding it on my surfboard. The adrenaline in my system beat out the anxiety of being watched in my mind. I was definitely an adrenaline junkie, but I hopelessly tried to keep it on lock down. Alex wanted to do everything I did and there was no telling her she couldn’t do it. She swore that was my personality, not hers.

  But the truth was, we were one and the same.

  She waited until we were alone to hand me my gift. Since our parents were the closest to each other, she was constantly staying late. Sometimes they even stayed overnight from drinking too much and shooting the shit. I had bunk beds in my room, I slept on the bottom and the top was hers. She always wanted to sleep on the bottom, but I wouldn’t let her. I knew the beds were sturdy and nothing would happen, but I still couldn’t get over the fear that if it broke it would crush her.

  And I’d never let anything happen to her.

  As I rode my bike, I remembered the look on her face when I opened my present. She sat on my bed with her legs crossed and the nervousness oozing off of her. It was a picture of her holding up my surfboard, dressed in my board shorts and gray Quicksilver t-shirt I’d given her. She posed in a funny yet adorable way. When I smiled and raised my eyes to her she said, “It’s so you don’t have to look at them magazines anymore.”

  “Come on, Half-Pint, pedal faster like we taught you,” Austin shouted from a distance, taking me away from my thoughts. It didn’t matter how fast she pedaled, she would never be able to catch up to us. Her legs were much shorter than ours.

  Again, she was just a girl.

  “I am!” she yelled back, out of breath.

  I peered behind me and saw her still far behind, so I decided to stop and wait for her on the side of the street. A bright orange flower by my foot caught my attention.

  I reached down and tore it from the ground.

  She halted right beside me, panting. “It doesn’t matter how fast I pedal, I can’t catch up with you boys,” she sadly whispered, bowing her head. I knew it took a lot for her to admit that and I hated seeing her look so defeated.

  It wasn’t in her nature.

  I placed the flower under her nose and her eyes brightened, quickly replacing the sadness. Gazing up at me with joy for something so minuscule. She grinned and grabbed the flower from my fingers, tucking it behind her ear.

  Right then and there, I learned that it was all about the little things when it came to her.

  “Come on.” I nodded toward her feet.

  She took another exaggerated breath and started to pedal down the road with me alongside her. We rode in comfortable silence for a few minutes, going a lot slower now and I started getting a bit bored. I let go of my handlebars and balanced on the bike with my arms out to my sides to maintain my stability. I leaned my body to the side to hold my bike in place, as we were taking a curve.

  “Show off,” she teased.

  I smiled, she was partially right. I always tried to impress her, when you’re that young you don’t understand the reasons behind it. You just do it. By the time we made it down to the river the guys were already in the water, horsing around. I helped her off her bike and securely placed it next to mine, locking them together around a tree. I grabbed her hand and she followed close behind me.

  The woods were murky and muggy. It rained that morning and left a humid atmosphere i
n its wake. They weren't too far from where we had parked the bikes, but you needed to be careful where you stepped. I knew Alex would tread where I had, without even having to tell her to do so, it was always that way between us. When we were older, I realized that we had this unspoken bond that neither of us understood or talked about and it was only then that I wished we had.

  The closer we drew to the river, the louder it became. The trees finally cleared off and all that was left was a field of water with trees surrounding it. It smelled awful and part of me doubted that Alex would actually go into the river. I knew better than to ask her, though.

  “I know what you’re thinking, Lucas Ryder, and I’m going to punch you.”

  I spun around, meeting her deep glare. “It’s not gonna hurt even if you do.”

  She punched me anyway.

  “Come on, you slowpokes, hurry it up already,” Austin called out from the tire swing, hanging off of it like a monkey.

  Dylan and Jacob were already in the river rough housing, seeing who could hold the other under water the longest and gasping once they came up for air. I took off my shirt and shorts, throwing them onto a tree branch by the water. I wore my black one-piece bathing suit while the boys were wearing swim trunks with no shirts on. I wanted to wear that too, but my mom was adamant that I needed to wear what little girls wore. I hated my bathing suit but they never paid me any mind that I wasn’t dressed like them.

  I heard Lucas take off from behind me, jumping head first into the river. I knew that there were alligators swimming among them, and I silently prayed they couldn’t smell my fear. Lucas came up from under the water and whipped his hair back away from his face with a sudden jolt of his neck. He swam closer to the bank waiting for me.

  “Did you know gators only come out into the open when they feel threatened? Otherwise they scurry away from the chaos and noise,” Lucas said out loud for all of us to hear, but truly it was just for me.