Complicate Me

by M. Robinson

  I chuckled. “No girls.”

  He laughed. “A guy can dream, right?”

  I grinned, nudging him with my shoulder. “How long have you known?”

  “Long enough.”

  I nodded with understanding as I turned to look back out over at the water.

  “The boys—”

  “I know. In all fairness though, they’re just looking out for you. It’s what we’ve always done. It’s not coming from a bad place.”

  “I know.”

  “I don’t think you do, I know you, Alex. I’ve known you as long as I’ve known them. You and Lucas have always had a special bond. When I was a kid, I used to be jealous of it, not because I wanted you in that way or anything, you’re like my little sister and that applies to all of us. Except you and Lucas complete each other. You balanced each other out in a way that we all do for one another, but you had your own dynamic going on.”

  I nodded in understanding. I felt like he wanted to say more to me and I didn’t want to ruin it by talking.

  “I’ve always felt like the odd man out with the rest of the boys, I’m the youngest. I guess that’s why I try to do everything to the extreme. I need to make up for it or something.”

  “Austin,” I murmured, completely surprised and taken aback. “I never knew you felt that way.”

  “I’m good at hiding things, we have that in common. The boys have never made me feel like that by any means. It’s still there though. You know Lucas always tells me that we’re a lot alike, and I never understood what he meant until they left,” he paused, reflecting on what he was about to say to me. “Both of us wanting to be one of the boys.”

  I gazed at the side of his face. “I’ve never thought that about you. Not ever.”

  “And I’ve never thought that about you, but it doesn’t change the fact that you felt that way, does it?”

  “No,” I half-whispered.

  He sadly smiled and bowed his head for a few seconds, only looking back up when he was ready. “I graduate in a few months.”

  “Three months,” I stated. I knew because I counted down the days until I would really be alone. It was a ticking time clock in my head.

  He glanced at me, smiling, and it eased the worry I felt in my heart.

  “You going to miss me, Half-Pint?”

  “Always,” I bellowed, my eyes blurring.

  He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his chest, kissing the top of my head and letting his lips linger. “I will always be here for you, it doesn’t matter where I am. I will always take care of you, and I will always love you. You’re my Half-Pint,” he vowed, his voice breaking.

  I sniffed. “Ditto.”

  “One day we won’t care what the boys think about us or what we do. On that day, we will both be extremely happy.”

  I wanted to say I was happy, but I would be lying. It broke my heart that for all these years he had felt this way and I had no idea.

  Did the boys?

  “So… it’s Saturday night and Charlie’s throwing one of his raging parties. Let’s go,” he demanded, standing up and reaching his hand out for me. “No.” He shook his head before I could answer.

  “I don’t want to hear your bullshit excuses about this or that. You will have fun with me. You will drink. You will dance. You will party. And that’s a fucking order.”

  I giggled and rolled my eyes. “Okay.”

  We spent the next several hours enjoying the night. It was the first time I could ever remember truly letting loose and experiencing being a teenager in high school.

  I laughed.

  I drank.

  I danced.

  I did everything Austin ordered me to do. I loved him even more than I did because of it. I never thought that could even be possible.

  “Stop walking so fast,” I rambled, holding onto Austin’s hand.

  “Stop walking so slow,” he replied, slightly slurring.

  “Hurry your asses up!” Someone yelled from in front of us.

  “Where are we going?” I asked, already forgetting what he told me.

  “The cops are coming, the party is being relocated.”

  “Oh yeah,” I laughed.

  He opened my car door for me and closed it when I was firmly seated inside. He jumped into the driver’s side, throwing the car into reverse, and my body jerked forward from the momentum.

  “Turn the music on,” I heard him say.

  I had a hard time finding the knobs, my vision blurry and unclear.

  “Half-Pint, you’re drunk,” he chuckled right along with me.

  “I love this song!” I shouted when I found the station I wanted. I started to dance around in my seat, while Austin banged on the steering wheel, dancing right along with me. We stopped at a red light or maybe it was a stop sign.

  I leaned back into my seat and lazily looked over at him. “I love you, Austin. I love you so so so much.”

  He looked over at me. “I love you more. I will always take care of you and don’t ever fucking forget that. Now put your fucking seatbelt on.”

  “Oh yeah,” I sloppily grabbed the strap behind my head as the car started to move again. “It won’t go in the buckle,” I giggled.

  “Here.” He took it out of my hands. “Grab the wheel.”

  “Mmm kay.” I tried to hold onto it, but the road looked really fuzzy. “Austin, I don’t think I should be doing this.”

  “I’m almost done.”

  I looked down for a second. At least it seemed that way. “You need to put your seatbelt on, too,” I hiccupped.

  “Done.”

  I smiled and faced forward, as he grabbed the steering wheel again. I went back to dancing around and so did he.

  “Austin, you pussy, can’t you drive faster than that,” the car next to us shouted. I squinted my eyes to see who it was.

  “If I beat you to the woods, you pay for all the beer.”

  “You’re on!” Austin yelled back.

  “I don’t think—”

  “Hey, what were the rules?” he reminded with a huge smile on his face, he appeared so happy. I still hurt from the conversation we had earlier that I didn’t want to dampen his spirits. If he felt anything like how I felt in the last few years, then he deserved this as much as I did.

  “To have fun,” I beamed.

  He turned the radio up louder, and the car accelerated faster. I danced around, trying to pretend that I didn’t feel the car starting to recoil from the dirt and grass, making my body jolt around all over. I had waited a few minutes before I pressed my hands against the dashboard, trying to hold my body steady from the impact around us.

  “Slow down!” I finally yelled.

  “We’re almost there!”

  My stomach felt queasy, I wasn’t having fun anymore. I felt scared, so I turned down the music. “You’re going too fast.”

  “Relax we’re fine.”

  It didn’t feel fine. I didn’t feel fine. Panic started to take control and a huge lump in my throat made it hard for me to breathe. I gasped in and out, my chest rising and descending at rapid speed as I took in our dark and dim surroundings. The cars headlights only illuminated a few feet out in front of us, making it hard to know where to go next. Austin swerved left and then right, and for a second I thought he may have lost control of the car, but when I saw the clear path ahead of us I finally exhaled out a sigh of relief.

  Except it was too soon.

  A tree lay out in front of us a few feet ahead, probably as a result from the last few hurricanes.

  “AUSTIN!” I screamed bloody murder. It vibrated throughout the entire car as he looked over at me with regret and sorrow spread all over his handsome face. He slammed on the brakes, but it was too late. We were in Gods' hands now. I instinctively placed my arms over my face to provide a false sense of protection that we would be okay. I swear on everything that was holy I felt Austin’s arm pressed up against my chest, trying to hold me in.

  Choices
…

  Everyone had them.

  The good.

  The bad.

  The right.

  The wrong.

  The moment I heard our car crash into a tree my life was forever changed...

  Like the accident, my life was on a collision course of choices and like that I had to make a choice.

  I put on my seatbelt.

  He didn’t.

  The moment I realized that.

  Everything. Went. Black.

  I lay leaning with my head against the seat, my legs spread out in front of me and my arms crossed over my chest.

  “Honey, you need to go home and get some rest,” Mom said.

  “I’m not leaving,” I replied with my eyes closed.

  “Lucas, they don’t know when she’s going to wake up,” she reminded.

  “I heard the doctor.”

  “Lu—”

  “Mom,” I argued, narrowing my eyes at her.

  She sighed and nodded. “I’m going to go get some coffee, do you want anything?”

  I shook my head no.

  She leaned over and kissed my forehead, whispering, “She’s going to be okay.”

  I wouldn’t believe that until she opened her eyes and looked at me. Dylan and Jacob had been going back and forth between Alex and Austin’s rooms. It had been three days and neither one of them woke up yet. Austin was in much worse shape than Alex. He flew out the windshield. The doctors had put him in a medically induced coma after they operated on his brain with the hope that it would help the swelling decrease. He suffered severe trauma to the head, he had several broken ribs, burns and deep cuts on his face and chest from the airbag and windshield.

  Alex’s brain was swollen from her head busting the window. No operation was needed since it was slowly decreasing on its own. Her trauma wasn’t as severe as Austin’s, but she was still in a coma. The doctor said she would wake up eventually. We just had to be patient. She had four stitches on her forehead and two on her lip. She suffered minor cuts on her face, her arms and around her body. She was bruised everywhere, along with a few broken ribs.

  Her alcohol level was .16 while Austin’s was .092, the doctor said they were lucky to be alive.

  It was just a waiting game now.

  My body was exhausted, but my mind wouldn’t stop reeling, I couldn’t sleep even if I wanted to. I would remember that phone call from my mom for the rest of my life, like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.

  “Alex is hurt. She’s in the ICU. The doctors say… Austin is in surgery. They were drinking… he hit a tree. They were rushed to the emergency room… you need to come home…”

  Dylan and Jacob heard the news by the time I got off the phone with my mom and we all took the next flight out. People talk about having an out of body experience. You see it everywhere, on the news, in the paper. It seems surreal until it happens to you. I moved in an autopilot state of mind, I just needed to get to her. I needed to see her, hold her, and talk to her. I felt like if I did, everything would be all right.

  As long as we were together.

  When I saw her, covered in bruises, eyes closed, tubes coming out of everywhere and sounds blaring loudly from the machines, that will forever haunt me, I wanted to breakdown. I wanted to switch places with her. I wanted to make her wake up. The only piece of mind I held onto was that she was strong. She would fight. No matter what, she would come out swinging.

  I taught her to.

  We all did.

  What blew my mind was that Alex was drunk in the first place. She never drank, it was so out of character for her. Something must have happened and I hated not knowing what that was. I was pissed at Austin for getting in the drivers seat when he had been drinking. He knew better, and I subconsciously held him accountable for Alex being in this situation in the first place. I tried like hell to not let that influence my anger toward him, but I couldn’t help it. He was supposed to take care of her.

  What the fuck was he thinking?

  “Hey,” Jacob whispered, walking into her room and coming toward me. “You been in to see Austin lately?”

  “Yesterday.”

  “Lucas…”

  “Don’t,” I snapped.

  “We’re all upset with him, but shit happens. He would never put Alex’s life in danger or his. He was stupid and irresponsible, he’s paying for it now.” He eyed Alex’s bed, machines surrounding her with sounds that told us she was alive. Which was ironic since the beeping noises made me realize the severity of the situation. At least that is how I felt.

  “And so is she,” I added, making him turn back around to face me.

  He begrudgingly nodded and followed it up with a long deep sigh. He knew I was right but couldn’t admit it.

  “You going home to sleep?” he asked.

  “Are you?” I countered.

  He nodded again in understanding, putting his hands in his jean pockets, leaning against the wall with one foot over the other.

  Waiting.

  That’s all we did.

  My mom walked in with Alex’s mom and Lily by their side. She was thirteen now and reminded me so much of Alex at that age. She dressed like her, put makeup on like her, was spunky like her. Half-Pint was her hero, and I couldn’t have been happier for her to follow anyone else’s footsteps.

  “Hey, Kid,” Jacob greeted. Lily wrapped her arms around his waist, as he tugged her into his side. He placed his ball cap on her head. She was always stealing it from him and I knew he put it on her to make her feel better.

  “Hi,” she softly spoke.

  I smiled at her when she looked at me.

  “Are you okay, Lucas?” she questioned. Concern and worry evident all over her face.

  “I’ve been better.”

  She bowed her head with sympathy, it didn’t matter what I told her. My baby sister was intuitive, just like Alex.

  “Lily is exhausted. Can you take her home?” Mom asked, pulling all of us away from our thoughts.

  “I can’t leave, Jana,” Mom whispered low not wanting to disturb her, even though she wasn’t paying any attention to us. She sat on Alex’s bed holding her hand.

  As much as I didn’t want to leave Alex’s side, I knew she would want to have my mom at her mom’s side right now, they were like sisters, she needed her.

  I was about to open my mouth to say something but Jacob beat me to it. “I’ll take her home,” he stated.

  “You sure? Robert is on call and he won't leave the hospital until something happens with Austin or Alex. Do you mind staying over? Lily can’t be—”

  “Mom,” Lily interrupted, looking embarrassed.

  I immediately contemplated what the embarrassment was from. Jacob watched her get her diapers changed.

  He pulled away from her before I could give it any more thought and peered down at her. “It’s okay, Kid, it’s more for my benefit. I don’t like to sleep in a house by myself.”

  She grinned, knowing he lied but appreciated it nonetheless.

  “Thank you,” Mom mouthed.

  He winked at her, as Lily came over to give me a hug. My mom kissed the top of her head and Lily wrapped her arms around Jacob as they walked out of the room together.

  I leaned back into the chair and closed my eyes. I had a blinding headache from my lack of sleep. I didn't know when I passed out. I think I was more in and out of consciousness than anything else, but when I slowly opened my eyes wiping off sleep I found Alex staring at me.

  I instinctively jumped out of the chair and was over to her in two strides, grabbing her hand and kissing all over it. “Half-Pint, oh my God! You’re awake.”

  Our eyes locked, both of us trying to focus and taking everything in.

  “Water,” she muffled, pulling me away from my need to ask her a million and one questions.

  I kissed her hand one last time and ran to the door, opening it. “I need a doctor! She’s up!” I yelled to my mom, Jana, and the doctor who were standing at the nurse’s stati
on.

  I told them she asked for water as they made their way into the room. I stood in the back to allow them more space, even though I wanted nothing more than to still be sitting by her side holding her hand. He proceeded to check all her vitals and ask her lots of questions. She seemed disorientated and confused, she didn’t remember the accident or getting into the car. He continued with questions she would know the answers to and she passed with flying colors. I didn’t get a chance to talk to her before she passed out again. The doctor said it was all completely normal for coma patients to seem out of it and her memory would most likely come back with time.

  It had been the longest four days of my life, but I finally breathed a sigh of relief that she would be all right. So I sat back down in the chair.

  And once again…

  Waited.

  Thank God I was being discharged, it had been a week since I woke up. The entire team cleared me, including neurology who had been watching me like a hawk. I didn’t remember anything. It was crazy how your brain could do that, just block out several hours of your life. Maybe it was a good thing that I didn’t remember. When Austin woke up three days ago, he seemed way more disoriented and confused than I was, but the doctor said that was normal, since he had been in a coma for a week and then again from the surgery. He would have some wicked scars. They were keeping him for several more weeks, and I could tell he was over it and wanted to go home as much as I did. He had months of recovery and rehabilitation to come.

  I was one of the first people to see him when he woke up, and even though he said he didn’t remember anything, the way he looked at me told me otherwise. I didn’t call him out on it, but when he asked everyone to give us a few minutes, much to Lucas’s dismay, he hugged me and just started bawling.

  It was then I knew I was right.

  I repeated over and over again that it wasn’t his fault, and that it didn’t matter. We were alive and I loved him no matter what. His breakdown spoke for itself, he didn’t listen to any of the comforts I tried to provide.

  It spoke volumes.