Complicate Me

by M. Robinson

  “Hey, Nate,” I greeted. We were on a first name basis with all of our parents since we were kids.

  “How’s school, Son?” he asked, handing me water.

  “Great. Finally finding the swing of things.”

  “Good. Have a seat, Lucas, I’d like to talk to you for a minute.”

  “Sure,” I breathed out, sitting beside him, turning to give him my full attention.

  “I’ve known you a long time, your whole life to be exact. I can’t believe how fast time goes by.”

  I nodded, taking in his words, mentally gearing myself up.

  “Alex hasn’t picked a college yet, do you know that?”

  I nodded again, except this time I braced myself for what was to come. It wasn’t going to be what I expected, it would be much worse. Changing the course of the entire night and everything that proceeded after.

  They say everything happens for a reason, that we’re destined to meet certain expectations throughout the timeline of our lives. They’re inevitable. It’s already planned out. If that were true, then this would be the beginning of the end for us.

  What happened next…

  Forever changed the directions of our lives.

  “We keep telling her that if she doesn’t decide on something soon she’s going to end up at Wilmington. We don’t want that for her. She needs to experience new things and grow up, Lucas. It’s been a very hard year for her, first the accident, and then Austin leaving, her being by herself. If it hadn’t been for your sister, she probably would have never hung out with anyone. I don’t have to tell you why she feels close to Lily, now do I?”

  I set my elbows on my knees and bowed my head. I knew. I knew it all. I knew everything.

  “You know Alex as well as we do. She’s stubborn and hard headed. It doesn’t matter how many times we’ve tried to talk to her. She wouldn’t listen to us. We’ve spent the entire school year trying to get through to her, but nothing. It doesn’t matter what we say she’s going to do what she wants. Did you know she applied and has been accepted to Ohio State?”

  I shook my head. I didn’t.

  “I didn’t think so. It’s been hard for her mother and me to watch her this year. It would hurt any parent to watch their child suffer from something you have no control over.”

  I angrily shut my eyes, bile rising up my throat, but I swallowed it back down. I wasn’t mad at him. I wasn’t mad at Alex. I was mad at myself. Nothing would change what he expected me to do. It didn’t matter. I knew what I needed to do, even though it was the furthest thing from what I wanted. He was right, though. I couldn’t ignore the fact.

  That. He. Was. Right.

  “Except you, Lucas, you have control of it. You’re our last resort.” His words made a mockery of me and I knew it. My throat burned with the devastation looming.

  “I know you love Alex, I know you’re in love with her. You wouldn’t be sitting here if you weren’t. That’s why, I know you’ll do the right thing and let her find her own way. Not follow yours. Do you understand, Son?”

  I slightly nodded, tears pooling in my eyes. I kept my eyes closed, keeping my emotions in check.

  “Maybe one day, who knows where life will take you, but now is not the right time. You both have so much growing up to do. She needs to find herself and stop being your Half-Pint. I want my daughter to be independent and make her own choices, decide what’s right for her, and she can’t do that with you around, Lucas. You know that, right?”

  I vaguely nodded again, not being able to form words or even coherent thoughts for that matter. My hurricane finally turned on me, gripping me with the chaos of its forceful truths. Except this time, I wouldn’t take Alex with me.

  I would set her free.

  “You’re like a son to me. To both Jana and I. We love you, but we need to do what’s in the best interest of our daughter, too. I hope you understand that.” His hand seared when he placed it on my shoulder, leaving a scar for the future that didn’t include her. “Maybe tonight can be the closing of one door, but the opening of another for her, Lucas. For her,” he repeated, driving the nail into the coffin.

  I heard the clicking of heels on the hardwood floor and immediately stood, turning faintly to wipe my face. I had never seen her look more gorgeous. The dress fit her exactly how I imagined, loose, but still managing to make her look stunning. Her hair flowed loosely down her face and back. It looked like she just took a brush to it. Her makeup was subtle, accenting her perfect, precise features, though I could smell the cherry lip-gloss from across the room.

  She was breathtaking.

  “Alex,” I stammered as she smiled shyly.

  Her mom took picture after picture of the last moment we'd be happy together. I made a mental note to ask for one for myself. It would be a night of new beginnings for her and endings for me.

  “Come on.” He placed his hand on the hollow of my back, spreading a warm heat throughout my entire body. He guided me toward the door and to his truck.

  I tried to step up on the ladder, but my heel wouldn’t allow it. His hand reached out to help me, but I ignored it. Instead, I stepped down and loudly sighed, annoyed. I opened my purse and dropped my sandals on the sidewalk, throwing the heels in the bed of his truck.

  I heard him laughing and met his gaze. “What? My mom made me wear those things. I hate them. They’re stupid.”

  He laughed again, nodding in agreement. I jumped in the truck, closing the door behind me. We drove in silence to the dance. Before I knew it, we were walking through the doors of the banquet hall that hosted my prom. Decorations were everywhere and they seemed to go on for miles, as did the crowd. There wasn’t a place in the room that wasn’t covered in some sort of streamer, confetti, or balloon. We took a traditional prom picture with the photographer, but I didn’t get a chance to look at it since Lucas immediately placed it inside his tuxedo jacket. He grabbed my hand and I didn’t give it any more thought as I followed him into the ballroom.

  We hung out like we always had, laughing and loving each other’s company. Austin was right when he said that we balanced one another out, we had our own dynamic.

  Always had and always will.

  When Lucas said he had to use the restroom, I leaned against the wall admiring how everyone appeared so happy and in love. I wondered if we looked like that, from an outside perspective. I contemplated if this could be a new beginning for us…

  My question was answered when I heard Van Morrison through the speakers. I looked around until I found Lucas. There he was with a smug grin on his face, waiting for me to meet him on the dance floor. I didn’t have to ask to know he requested for the DJ to play this. They would never play Brown Eyed Girl at my senior prom.

  He sang it to me the entire time, spinning me in circles and holding me too close for the rhythm of the music, but the mood changed drastically between us when the soft beats of Stand By Me by Ben E. King played next. He didn’t falter. He pulled me tighter into his strong, muscular body, fitting me perfectly in the nook of his frame. He guided my arms around his neck like he wanted no space between us, and then his arms wrapped around me, proving my point.

  I laid my head on his chest and he placed his chin on top of my head, softly singing the lyrics to me again. It was around the chorus of the song when something felt different. He felt different.

  And then it hit me. I softly shut my eyes with a single tear falling down the side of my face.

  This wasn’t a new beginning for us.

  It was the end.

  He was saying goodbye.

  When we got back into the truck, I just knew where we were going. He parked his truck in the driveway, the soft rumbling of the diesel engine hummed beneath our bodies. I stared at the house that stored so many memories of my adolescence. I wasn’t a child anymore. I was an adult.

  A woman.

  “You don’t have to bring me here to break up with me, Bo. We’re not even together,” I stated, never taking my stare away from t
he house that held my childhood.

  “Where are you going to college, Alex?” he asked with a voice so calm it scared me.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Bullshit.”

  I leaned my head against the headrest. “I thought I would go to Ohio State—”

  “Why?” he interrupted, holding onto the steering wheel hard enough to make his knuckles turn white.

  “What do you mean why? You know I want to be with you boys. I thought we could be—”

  “No,” he firmly stated, immediately making me turn to look at him.

  “No?” I repeated, confused.

  “You’re not going there because of the boys. You’re going there because of me.”

  “What does it matter?”

  “It matters a lot. It matters more than it should. You’re following me, Alex.”

  “So, what if I am.”

  He let go of the steering wheel and bowed his head in defeat. I wanted to crawl into his lap and make it all go away, exactly how I did when we were kids and he was sad.

  “You can’t follow me,” he let out. I didn’t want to hug him anymore, now I just wanted to scream at him.

  “You can’t tell me what to do!”

  He scoffed. “That’s all I’ve been doing, Alex, for our entire lives I have told you what to wear, who to talk to, what to do, it goes on and on. I can’t do that anymore. It’s not fair to you.”

  I fervently shook my head. “You don’t mean that.”

  “But I do. You need to experience your own life outside of me, outside of the boys. Damn even outside of this island, Alex.”

  “I don’t want to, that’s not what I want. I want to be with you, with all of you. Why are you doing this to me?” I asked, my voice breaking as I wiped away the tears that slowly began to trickle down my face.

  He shut his eyes like he was trying to make me disappear. I wouldn’t grant him that leniency.

  “You’re a coward! At least look at me while you break my heart, Lucas! At least give me that!”

  He shut his eyes tighter. “I can’t,” he softly spoke.

  “Why now? After all this time! Why now? You owe me that!” Tears flowed freely down my face, I didn’t care anymore. I would wear them proudly.

  “I’m not good for you.”

  I bawled, my vision so blurry I couldn’t see in front of me. My chest heaving so profoundly that I thought I’d never be able to breathe again. “I thought you loved me. You said you loved me.”

  “I do. That’s why I’m doing this,” he swallowed.

  “So you string me along. All these years all you do is string me along? For what?” I cried. “For what!” I shouted and it echoed around the cab of the truck.

  “I’m selfish,” he simply stated and I jerked back, wounded.

  I sobbed uncontrollably, I wept so damn hard I felt like my tears would never end. That my pain would never end. I didn’t recognize the boy sitting in front of me with a bowed head and distant demeanor.

  He wasn’t my Bo.

  Bo wouldn’t allow me to cry. Bo wouldn’t allow me to feel anything other than loved. Bo wouldn’t break my heart and not have the decency to look me in the eyes as he did it. Making me bleed out through tears of despair and longing for a past that would never be a future, for a promise that would never come true.

  Lies.

  And more lies.

  I hyperventilated, taking one last look at him before blankly staring out the window with a hollow feeling building inside me. The emptiness surged from my heart to my entire body, causing me to feel broken and truly alone. I had nothing left to say, nothing left for me to do. I don’t know how long we sat there, both of us lost in our thoughts and disillusions when he put the truck in reverse and drove me home.

  He whispered, “I love you. I love you more than I love myself and that’s why I’m doing this. It’s for you, Alex. It’s for you.”

  He shattered my heart… again. When I opened the truck door, I slammed it in his face.

  I shattered…

  His.

  The boys went home for summer. I stayed behind and attended a summer session at school. There was no home left for me, I knocked down that house like the big bad wolf I felt I was. I pushed her away and I hated myself for it. She didn’t deserve that. Lily told me that she decided to attend UCLA, California. I told her she needed to find her own way, not a place thirty-three hours and 2,260.7 miles between us.

  Giving me a fucking equator of distance.

  I guess Aubrey and her were going to share an apartment. Dylan didn’t bat an eye when he told me. As much as he tried to pretend that he didn’t miss her, I knew he was full of shit. He became an asshole to women, a complete and total dick. You would think that would turn women off but it did the exact opposite, they became like a bitch in heat. Constantly wanting more and more of his attention that he wasn’t willing to give.

  Austin would be coming back with the boys at the end of summer, except he wasn’t living with us. He decided to live in the dorms. I subconsciously knew that I was the reason for that. Things remained strained with us, and to be completely honest I didn’t give a shit about it. Too many other things plagued my mind.

  I sat in front of the TV as I had done so many weekends before, barely watching Sports Center that played in the background of my constantly spinning mind.

  My hurricane never lets me go.

  It was the price I had to pay…

  For letting her go.

  My phone rang with my dad’s face lighting up the screen, I hit ignore and let it go to voicemail, but it immediately started ringing again.

  “Dad, I’m not in the mood—”

  “Lucas,” he said his tone dark and daunting.

  I sat straight up on the couch. “What’s wrong?”

  “You need to come home.”

  “Is everything alright?”

  “I don’t want to discuss it over the phone, but you need to come home, Son,” he repeated with the same desperate tone.

  “I’m on my way.”

  I grabbed my overnight bag and floored it to the airport, taking the next flight out, which luckily was only a few hours later. I took a cab straight to my house and ran up to the front door, my heart in my throat as I contemplated the urgency of my need to come home.

  “Mom! Dad! I’m here, where are you?” I darted toward the living room and found my mom lying on my dad’s chest. Completely engulfed in emotions with his arms around her. My head pounding with the same momentum of my heart, and I started to sweat all over.

  “What’s wrong?” I strained, terrified by the response I would hear.

  My mom wiped the tears from her face and stood up to hug me. “I’m sorry you had to come home like this, baby.”

  I felt her arms wrap around me, and I hugged her back with the same force, her skin clammy and hot.

  “It’s okay. What’s going on?”

  She kissed my cheek and grabbed my hand, guiding me to sit next to her on the couch. My dad scooted over to allow me more room to sit down.

  “Alright, you guys have officially scared the shit out of me. What is going on?”

  “Lucas, your mother… your mom…” he sighed, trying to even out his breathing. “She found a lump on the side of her breast.” He rubbed his mouth back and forth with his fingers like the words felt dirty coming out of his mouth. “She went to her doctor and they did a biopsy—”

  I stood up.

  “Lucas,” I heard Mom say. It echoed throughout my entire body and vibrated in my core. “Honey, I’m going to be okay. Are you listening to me, Lucas?”

  “What stage?” I found myself saying.

  They looked at each other before looking back at me.

  “Lucas,” Mom repeated.

  “What. Stage. Mom?”

  She bowed her head. “Three.”

  “Like grandma? How long did she fight for?” I argued, my fists clenching at my sides.

  “Four years,” she answered,
looking everywhere around the room, except at me.

  I nodded, remembering how awful it was to watch her die. Slowly taking every part of her, little by little, inch by inch, till she was unrecognizable. It shredded everything within her, her spirit, her will, and her life. I shook my head, not wanting to picture the same thing happening to my mom.

  I trembled everywhere. It was uncontrollable.

  “Honey, I’m not my mother, and I will fight until I can’t anymore. I promise you that.”

  I eyed her. “Does Lily know?”

  “No.”

  “Does anyone?”

  “No. I want to give it time to settle for us. We have some time before I need to tell everyone.”

  I nodded.

  “Lucas—”

  “I can’t, Mom,” I bellowed. “I can’t.” I backed away and ran toward the door.

  I sprinted as fast as I could.

  “Cancer...”

  It was an endless phrase that repeated itself over and over in my head, a cycle that I couldn’t stop over and over again.

  “Cancer…”

  I flew through the air, my hurricane blowing by me, with the sounds of wind bursting around my body.

  “Cancer…”

  My legs felt numb.

  “Cancer…”

  My heart beat out of my chest.

  “Cancer…”

  I could feel my body recoiling.

  “Cancer...”

  I ran faster.

  “Cancer…”

  Was I throwing up?

  I wiped my mouth and stepped away from the bushes, weeping, sobbing uncontrollably, and sucking in air that wasn’t available to me.

  How the fuck could this be happening?

  I needed to talk to Alex. I wanted Alex.

  Oh God! Why?

  I’m not sure how long I stood there and wailed. I think it was quite a while when I had finally shed the last of the tears that were left in me and stared off into nothing, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t feel, I was numb. I stood there in the dark looking at the place that was ours. I saw shadows from the bay window, then nothing. Darkness. I stepped one foot in front of the other, walking up the porch stairs.