Complicate Me

by M. Robinson

  She nodded.

  “Is he good to you?”

  She nodded, again, her face frowning.

  I shook my head in disbelief. “Jesus Christ, Alex, you’re literally marrying the first guy that’s ever paid attention to you.”

  She grimaced, making me quickly regret my words. I was about to apologize when she said with her voice breaking, “If that were true, Lucas, then I would be marrying you.”

  I jerked back like she hit me. “Is that why you cut your hair? Because you don’t belong to me anymore?”

  “He asked me to marry him and I said yes. I went to the salon the next day and hacked off all my hair. I donated it to cancer patients. It could be their happiness.”

  I looked at the bright, blinding ring on her left hand. “Where was that rock last night?”

  “I had it on, I just turned it over, so the diamond was on the inside of my hand.”

  “Could he have gotten you a bigger rock? That’s not even you, Alex. You haven’t worn jewelry your entire life. You’re going to marry a man that doesn’t even know what kind of ring is you?”

  She peered down at the diamond. “It’s a beautiful ring, Lucas.”

  “It’s a trophy. You’re a prize to him. It’s also a cock blocker because only a very insecure man buys a woman that kind of a diamond.

  She looked at me through her lashes. “Girls like diamonds.”

  “Not you,” I simply stated not needing to add any more.

  “He loves me and I love—”

  “You love the idea of him. You love that it’s comfortable. You love that he’s always been there, like a sad fucking kitten that you fed one time and wouldn’t go away.” He stepped toward me and I immediately stepped back. Which made him stop and cock his head to the side. “Scared of me?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then why won’t you let me touch you? Is it because you know everything I said was true? And the second I put my hands on you, you’ll know who you really belong to?”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “I never said life was fair.”

  “I hate it every time you say that.”

  “It doesn’t make it any less true, because if it were, you’d be the mother of my son and that ring on your finger would have been placed there by me.”

  My chest rose and descended with each word that fell from his lips.

  “Let me touch you, Alex. Let me prove to you that everything I say is true.”

  He came at me but this time I expected it, so when my back hit the wall he instantly caged me in with his arms. His face mere inches away from mine, I felt him everywhere. All at once, his scent, his body, his eyes, his mouth, even though the only thing that touched me was his arms.

  “Tell me to leave, Alex. Tell me to go. Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me that you don’t wish it were me that you went to bed with every night and woke up to every morning. Tell me that every time you hold my son you don’t envision him as being yours. Ours. Tell me you don’t want this and I swear I’ll leave you alone. I’ll let you marry Cole and live happily ever after. I swear to you on my son that I will walk out of here knowing that you’re no longer my brown eyed girl.”

  “Lucas,” I warned in a voice I didn’t recognize.

  “Call me what you really want to.” He placed his forehead on mine, bringing his arms closer to frame my face. “Call me Bo,” he groaned in a tone that made my stomach flutter and my body warm. His mouth so close to mine that I could feel him breathe on me. As if testing me he licked his lips, slowly, provoking me.

  Proving to me that he was right.

  I shut my eyes. I had to. The realization was too hard to admit and I knew he could see it in my eyes.

  He knew me.

  “Bo,” I panted, my breathing mimicking his. “Please…”

  “Please what, baby?” he rasped as if he hung on by a thread. Waiting for me to say the magic words that would set both of us free.

  Except not the way he hoped.

  “I’m getting married. I’m engaged to another man. I came here today to close the door to us, not to open it again.”

  It was like a bucket of cold water being poured down his body, he instantly backed away from me. I felt the loss of his warmth, his love, instantly. The damage was done, and the look on his face made me question what I had just done.

  Was I making the right choice? I couldn’t hurt Cole. I loved him. Didn’t I?

  I stepped toward him but now it was his turn to back away.

  “Lucas…”

  He sadly smiled. “I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe the better man did win and at the end of the day, as long as you’re happy that’s all that truly matters.”

  I forced back the tears that wanted to escape. I would not cry. I was supposed to be happy. Cole makes me happy.

  Then why do I feel like I’m dying?

  “There’s nothing left to say. I wish you all the happiness in the world, Alexandra. You deserve it more than anyone I know. I will always, always, fucking love you. No one can take that away from me, not even you.”

  I blinked away the tears. I couldn’t hold them in any longer.

  “Congratulations.” He took one last look at me and left.

  I turned around and looked at the hole in the wall.

  It now mirrored my heart.

  I never expected her to not invite me to her engagement party. I just never thought it would happen so fast. Six months went flying by.

  I didn’t believe it until I saw it with my very own eyes.

  How fucking stupid am I?

  I saw my mother helping with the engagement party.

  I saw the engagement invitation when I held it in my hands.

  I saw the date.

  I saw their names.

  I saw them walking into her parent’s restaurant together, her in a white dress, firmly wrapped around him.

  I saw it all.

  It was only then I truly believed it. It was only then that it seemed real. After that everything took a turn for the worst. They say God doesn’t give you more than you could handle, they say when it rains it pours. They say everything happens in threes.

  The cancer.

  My son.

  Alex getting engaged.

  I thought that was the end, but it wasn’t. Every day after the engagement party my mom got worse, it had been four months. There was no mistaking it anymore. No wishful thinking or praying.

  She was dying.

  The doctors reaffirmed that she didn’t have more than a few more weeks to live, give or take. My dad called in a few favors and he had one of his alumni take over his patients. He closed his office for the time being. He said he wanted to spend every last second with his wife. My baby sister was beyond devastated. She had always been so positive and cheerful, making lemonade out of lemons and all that shit. To have her breakdown in my arms as we stood around hearing the doctors tell us that her fight was over, that they did everything they could do. All that was left was to make her as comfortable as possible from here on out. They informed us like they had done for a million other families before us, as if it had been rehearsed with no index cards, and they memorized every last word. Every last detail.

  I stayed strong because everyone around me, including my father who I had never seen shed one tear before, broke down. The sounds of despair spilling from his mouth made me want to crumble just thinking about it. My mom held him in her arms, like she had done so many times for me as a child, expressing soothing words of comfort that were just a bunch of bullshit. Nothing would be okay after this.

  Not. One. Damn. Thing.

  I had yet to cry. I hadn’t let what I felt brewing deep inside surface. I couldn’t allow it to take over. If I did it wouldn’t stop. It would take me under and God knows when I would come up again, so I kept going. Concentrated on work, Mason, and my mom. Ignoring everything that collapsed around me.

  My family.

  My faith.

  My love.<
br />
  I became God’s personal entertainment. At least that’s how it felt.

  “Mom,” I muttered, standing at her bedroom door. It became difficult to see her with her eyes closed and not imagine she was gone. She looked gone. No longer the woman who I recognized as my mother, all that was left was the sickness that was taking her away.

  “Baby,” she murmured like it hurt for her to speak. The machines precisely placed around her only adding to the truth.

  I sat on the edge of her bed and grabbed her hand. I don’t know what came over me, maybe it was the fact that I knew this would be one of the last times I would speak to her, maybe it was the fact that I knew I needed to say goodbye, or maybe it was just the fucking fact that I knew the end was near. I hunched over, laying my head on top of her still beating heart and bawled like a baby. I sobbed, over and over again. My chest ached and my throat burned. I hyperventilated, sucking in air that wasn’t available. She rubbed my back, never once trying to stop my crying or preventing my emotions from running wild.

  “I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to go on. Please… please… God… don’t take her away from me,” I bellowed in the misery that lay beneath me.

  “I will never leave you, Lucas. I will always be here for you. Just because you can’t see me, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here.”

  “It’s not fair. It’s not fair that this is happening.” I wept for what seemed like hours. Time didn’t stand still. Every second that passed was less time I would have with her and that’s what killed me more than anything.

  “Everything is going to be okay. I know it doesn’t seem like that now. I know it may not seem like that when I’m gone, but I promise you. I swear to you that everything will be okay.”

  I sniffled, sitting up and she wiped away my tears.

  “I love you. I loved you since the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. You lived inside me for nine months, Lucas, the bond that we share is unbreakable. I’ve heard your heartbeat from inside my body that can never be broken.”

  I nodded because I couldn’t find the words to express how much I loved her.

  She placed her hands on the sides of my face. “Listen to me because I will only be able to say it once. Your bond with Alex has so much strength.”

  “Mom.” I tried to pull my face away, but she held me as firm as her weak hands could.

  “Everything happens for a reason and I swear to you that me dying is for a greater purpose. Do you understand me?”

  I nodded even though I didn’t.

  “You have to be strong for your dad and for your sister. They’re not as strong as you. You have to be my big, Lucas.” She hadn’t called me that since I was a child and the sentiment almost had me breaking down yet again.

  “Promise me that you can do that for me.”

  “I promise.”

  “Promise me that you will try not to mourn me and that you will go on with your life. That you will be happy because you know that I’m always with you.”

  “I promise.”

  “Promise me that you will accept any other woman that comes into your father's life.”

  I shook my head no. “Don’t ask me that.”

  She took a deep breath and said, “Maybe your father was meant to have two soul mates. I don’t want him to be alone. Please, Lucas, tell me that you will.”

  “Okay. I will do it for you.”

  “I am so proud of you and the man that you have become. I love you so much, so, so, much.”

  “I love you, too.”

  She pulled me in for a tight embrace. I hugged her for as long as I could. For every memory, for every promise, and for every new memory she would miss. When I drew away, she stared behind me, and it had me turning to follow her gaze.

  Alex stood in the doorway with her arms over her chest, and a look of pure sorrow and grief on her face. Fresh tears pooled in her eyes. She looked so tiny, so delicate, and fragile. She reminded me of the little girl that she once was. Not the twenty-three-year-old woman she was today.

  “I came as fast as I could. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come sooner.”

  “Is Cole with you?” Mom asked, but something told me she already knew.

  She shook her head. “He just opened a new firm and he couldn’t take time off, he wanted—” she wavered and I recognized that face immediately, which is exactly why she stopped in the first place.

  She didn’t want me to realize…

  That she was about to lie.

  “It doesn’t matter, I’m here,” I firmly stated, desperately trying to maintain the best poker face I could. Neither one of us said a word as we passed each other by.

  “I’ll leave you two alone.” He closed the door behind him and I stayed rooted where I stood. I was afraid I would break her. I couldn’t fathom seeing the woman in front of me, I had just seen her four months ago at my engagement party.

  “Sit down, honey, you’re not going to hurt me.”

  I did, placing my hands on top of hers.

  “I’m so happy you’re here to say goodbye to me.”

  “Please don’t say that,” I wallowed.

  “It’s okay, Alex. I’m not scared of dying. I’m going to a better place with my loved ones that are waiting for me. It’s you and everyone else that I’m sad for. It’s the loved ones that get left behind that suffer.”

  “I can’t believe this is happening.” My eyes pooled with fresh tears.

  “So much has happened in these last few years, so many changes. When your mom told me she was pregnant with you, I cried. They had been trying to get pregnant since before I got pregnant with Lucas. Robert actually did the ultrasound to find out if you were a boy or a girl. Lucas sat patiently on my lap waiting, and you can imagine how hard that must have been for him, the boy never sits still.”

  I affectionately smiled, loving the story she shared with me.

  “When Robert read the ultrasound, he swore you were a boy, so we immediately started finding names for you. The moment we found out that you were a girl at the hospital, the very next day your mom and I started to plan yours and Lucas’s wedding. We planned out every detail. Even how many kids you were going to have. We spent hours upon hours planning your future together and we loved every second of it.”

  My eyebrows lowered, confused and torn. “I don’t understand. You both have been so adamant on us not being together. Why are you telling me this now?”

  “I made a mistake. We made a mistake. I regret very little in my life, I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to do everything I’ve ever wanted. Not letting you and Lucas decide what was right for you is definitely one of my biggest regrets. When you’re a mother, Alex, you will understand that you want what’s best for your children. You want them to see and experience everything they can. You think you know what’s best for them. It comes along with the title of being parents. But I don’t know everything, no one does. These last few years have been so hard for you, so hard for him, and I can’t help but feel responsible for that. We both do.”

  “My mom does?”

  “Yes. She’s wanted to have this talk with you and I thought it would be better coming from me. I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t get married, Alex. If you’re happy, if you truly love him then it doesn’t matter what I say. Your heart will speak for itself.”

  “Yeah...” I bowed my head.

  “But, I do need something from you.”

  I immediately looked up. “Anything.”

  “I need you to promise me that you will always be there for Lucas. I need you to promise me that you will always look after my boy. He’s not as strong as he pretends to be. Stubborn, yes.”

  We laughed.

  “Those boys, Alex, not just Lucas, they’re yours. Each one of them has gone their separate ways, and I also feel responsible for that. If we hadn’t come between you and Lucas—”

  “No,” I stated, knowing what she was about to
say.

  She sadly smiled. “Whether you know this or not, Half-Pint, you’re the glue that’s always kept those boys together, you’re the bond that holds them, and we’ve known that ever since you were kids.”

  Tears spilled down my face as I took in her words. They meant everything to me, every last one of them. “My good ol’ boys.”

  She looked at me with such love and adoration in her eyes and even though she was sick, even though she was dying. I wanted to remember her just this way. “I love you, and I promise you that I will always look after him. Regardless of where we stand, he’s my best friend. Always and forever.”

  “Thank you. I can die happy knowing that my boy is taken care of. That’s what every mother wants.”

  She wiped away my tears and kissed my forehead. I sat with her for a while after she had said she needed to rest. I thought about everything she shared with me as I listened to her soft breathing, loving that she looked much more peaceful than she had when I first walked in. It didn’t take away the pain I felt in my heart knowing that this would be the last time I would get to be with her. I tried like hell to keep that inside, but I couldn’t. I lay down beside her and softly cried.

  For her.

  For Lucas.

  For a past we couldn’t change, and for a future I didn’t know was meant…

  For me.

  My mom passed away five days later, but not before she had time with each of us. Jacob, Dylan, their parents and Lily. Austin was the only one she didn’t get to say goodbye to. I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t hate him more because of it. The days that followed were filled with people coming in and out of my home. It was the home I grew up in, which now seemed empty and cold. There were endless amounts of condolences and preparations for a day that I just wanted to be over already.

  The hours seemed to blend together. I had no idea what day it even was. I continued to be in a fog, a daze and stupefied beyond belief. I hadn’t allowed myself to stop moving, I was afraid to. If I stopped moving, I would crash. I couldn’t acknowledge anything, not the house that I grew up in, not the memories everywhere I turned. I moved around in autopilot, trying to avoid flashbacks of anything that I held dear to my heart. I just needed to get through today. My only concern was my baby sister Lily. The day our mother passed, I held her until she couldn’t cry anymore, until she physically passed out from the exhaustion of her tears.