Complicate Me

by M. Robinson

  “Hello, it’s you!” I replied with mine. “How are you? How’s Nashville?”

  “Best decision I ever made.”

  Lily had dropped out of college after her mom died. She stayed in Oak Island for a few weeks after her funeral and literally packed up her bags and moved to Tennessee. The years of singing and playing the guitar paid off, she got a job at a bar as a bartender and one day they heard her randomly singing. She was now the entertainment two nights a week.

  “Have you talked to—”

  “No. I changed my phone number remember? He’s not going to ask Lucas for it and I already made you pinky swear that you wouldn’t tell him. Not that he’s—”

  “He’s asked.”

  “Oh…” She was quiet for several seconds. “Oh well. That boat has sailed to the Caribbean and isn’t planning on coming back. Jacob who?”

  “Lily…”

  “What? He’s the dickwad that brings his girlfriend to our Christmas party and flaunts her in my face. Then he has the audacity to try to be my best friend at my mom’s funeral.”

  “Then why did you have sex with him?”

  She gasped. “I told you that in secret and it was never supposed to be repeated. Now go wash your mouth out with soap. It was a moment of weakness. I don’t like him anymore.”

  I rolled my eyes, shaking my head.

  “I don’t want to talk about him anymore. As a matter of fact… I don’t want to talk about him ever. Let’s send him to that island where girls send their mistakes to. Bye Felicia.”

  I chuckled, hearing her say it with attitude and picturing her jolting her head around.

  “Let’s talk about your wedding! When the hell are you going to start planning it? It’s been six months since my mom passed. I think it may be time for you to jump back into the swing of things. She would want you to be happy.”

  “I know.”

  “How’s Cole?”

  “He works a lot. He’s got four cases that are going on now, so I haven’t really been spending much time with him.”

  “So, not much has changed since I talked to you a few weeks ago.”

  “Not really.”

  “Why don’t you show up at his office naked?”

  “Oh my God.”

  “What? Not like naked, naked, that would be weird. I meant like wear a coat and be naked underneath. Guys like that. Just sayin’.”

  “It would be easier if I had a job, then I wouldn’t be bored all day and waiting for him to come home.”

  After Cole proposed he told me I should quit my job and concentrate on trying to find something I really wanted to do. I helped getting his office and business off the ground but there wasn’t much for me to do there anymore. I mentioned to him that I started looking for another job and by the look on his face he didn’t like it. He said he loved me being home, waiting on him, and once we had a baby… I stopped him after that.

  “Have you talked to my brother?”

  “You know I haven’t.”

  “Right. I guess it’s for the best, dad said he’s been dedicated to Mason, his company and the house he bought, seems like he's always repairing something.”

  “A house?” My heart sped up. He wouldn’t… Would he?

  “Yeah.”

  “What house?”

  “I don’t fucking know. Some house on the water in Oak Island, I guess it’s been vacant for years and it went up for auction. He bought it and is fixing it up.”

  I had to sit down. My legs couldn’t hold me any longer. “Oh my god.”

  “Oh shit! I gotta go. I’m going to be late for work. Talk soon. Love you.”

  “Lily! Wait, Lily!” I yelled into the phone but the call had already ended.

  I looked around the room every which way as I called my mom.

  “Hey, honey.”

  “Mom!” I shouted not being able to control my emotions.

  “What? Oh my God, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. Lucas bought a house?”

  “Umm, yeah what? Is that why you’re calling?”

  “Yes. No. I mean… I don’t know. Where is this house? Have you seen it? When did he get it? Is he living there? Is it his or is he planning to flip it?” I asked all in one breath.

  “Whoa, honey, calm down.”

  “Mom, please tell me.”

  “Okay, umm the house is on the water. It’s been vacant for years. They put it up on auction. It was all over town, I mean they had at least seventy people bidding for it that morning. Your dad says he paid way too much for the property, but you know him he’s going to do what he wants.”

  “Holy shit,” I breathed out with my hand on my chest.

  “Alexandra Marie Collins,” she scolded.

  “Is he living there?” I asked, not paying her any mind. “Mom, is it his?”

  “Honey, of course it’s his. Why would he buy a house that’s not his? He’s living there. He’s been living there for the last few weeks. What is going on? I don’t understand. It’s just a house, Alex.”

  “No, Mom. It’s not just a house. It’s way more than that. I gotta go.”

  “Alex—”

  I hung up at the exact same moment that Cole walked through the front door.

  “Hey, Darlin’.”

  With wide eyes I stared at the wall in front of me. I couldn’t move. I could barely breathe. I concentrated on just that.

  “Is everything alright?” I think he sat down beside me. “Alexandra.”

  “Cole…” I whispered in a voice I didn’t recognize. “Why do you want to marry me?” I finally asked, needing to know. I still hadn’t looked at him. It was easier to stare at the wall in front of me.

  “What kind of question is that? I love you.”

  “I know that.”

  “Then why are you asking?”

  “It’s a simple question don’t you think?”

  “I gave you my answer. I love you, that’s it, Darlin’.”

  “Okay, then why do you love me?”

  “Is everything alright? You’re starting to scare me.”

  “Cole, please answer the question. Why do you love me?”

  “I… I… don’t… Jesus… Alexandra. I love you, that’s why.”

  I peered down at my ring. “Do you know that I don’t wear jewelry?”

  “Of course you do. That necklace. You never take it off.”

  I shut my eyes. I had to. “I haven’t worn that in years.”

  “What?” He reached for my neck not finding it. “Well, fuck. What does it matter?” he muttered.

  “I’m going to ask this one last time and please, please, be honest with me. Why do you want to marry me, Cole?”

  “I’ve waited so long for you. I mean you know that. You’re mine.”

  “I’m your prize,” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You didn’t have to.”

  He immediately stood, hovering above me. “What the fuck? Are you testing me? What is this?”

  “What if I don’t want to stop working? What if I don’t want to be a stay at home mom?”

  “Alexandra, why are you making problems? I want you to live like a queen. I provide for you and you take care of the home. Those are our roles. I grew up in a house where all my parents did was work. I don’t want that for my kids.”

  I looked up at him. “My?”

  “You know what I meant.”

  I cocked my head to the side with a questioning gaze.

  “What? Jesus Christ, I have let you mope around here for months. Not given you any grief for the fact you’re mourning a mother that’s not even yours. We haven’t picked a date for our wedding, and we barely even talk about it. And now I come home to this shit? You have got to be kidding me!”

  “Wow, Cole.”

  “She wasn’t your mom. I get being sad, but your mom is still alive. Come on.”

  I buried my head in my hands. “She was like a moth
er to me. I can’t believe you just said that.”

  “Darlin’…”

  “Don’t call me that. Not now.”

  “I love you. We’re together now. I want to move on with our lives. I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want—”

  “What about what I want?”

  “I thought that’s what you wanted, too.”

  “That night, Cole. The night we had sex for the first time. Did you know?”

  “Know what?”

  “Did you know I was a virgin?”

  “Of course I did.”

  “No, not right before it happened. I’m talking about the day before or the month before. Did you know before taking me into your room that I was a virgin?”

  He sighed and I knew my answer.

  “It doesn’t matter. I have you. We’re getting married. It doesn’t change anything. I won. You’re mine.” He sat down beside me, rubbing my back. “Right?”

  I faced him, knowing what I had to do. “I can’t marry you, Cole.”

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. But I can’t marry you. I should have never said yes. I should have never gone back to your house with you. I should of… I can’t change the past, the only thing I can change is the future, and I can’t marry you.”

  He shook his head. “You don’t mean that.”

  “I do. I’ve never meant anything more in my life.”

  “I love you.”

  “I know, but is it because you’re in love with me?”

  “I don’t understand the difference.”

  I sadly smiled. “You will one day when you meet that person. I’m not her, Cole. You think I am, but trust me, you would know what the difference is.”

  “It’s him, isn’t it?” he questioned with a hard edge in his tone.

  I bowed my head. “I’m so sorry.”

  “I can’t believe you’re doing this. I’ve spent years waiting for you. Pining over you like a lost puppy. Standing on the sidelines. Shit,” he sighed. “I want to hate you. I want to hate you so fucking bad right now, but I can’t. All these years, since we were kids I’ve known. You don’t look at me the way you do him. You don’t smile the same way. You don’t laugh the same way. I thought… I thought that it didn’t matter. You would grow to love me, and every time you would say it to me, I swear I tried to believe it. Except that look in your eyes, the one that was for him, I never even got a glimpse of it. Not one time.”

  Tears fell down my face. “I’m so sorry,” I repeated the only thing to be true.

  “I never understood your bond, the connection that you hold between each other. It makes no sense to me. Not one bit. I thought I was the better man for you, knowing in my heart I never was. How fucked up is that? I fought for you, knowing I would never win. Knowing I was wasting my time, but I didn’t care. I wanted to have you in anyway I could. I don’t know if that’s love or fucking stupidity.” He stood, walking over to the window and I stayed where I was.

  There was nothing I could do to comfort him. To make it all right. I hated that I hurt him. I hated that I led him on. It wasn’t fair to him, none of this was.

  “I never wanted to hurt you, Cole. I swear to you on my life that I never wanted to cause you pain. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you’re hurting right now. You don’t deserve it. You’ve been nothing but an amazing man to me, a friend that I needed. I love you. I do. I mean that. But at the end of the day… I have to do what feels right in my heart and it’s not us. I’m so sorry. I will treasure every moment we’ve spent together. I promise you that.”

  We were silent for I don’t know how long. He turned to face me with a look I had never seen before. “We’re both to blame. I guess it’s one of the reasons I’m drowning myself in work. You haven’t looked at me the same since the funeral, and I guess it’s why I kept my distance. A part of me knew this was coming. I just thought if I ignored it, it would go away. I could make it go away.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “There’s nothing left to say. I’ll move my things into the guest bedroom until you figure things out.” He walked toward me and sat in front of me on his heels, wiping the tears away from my face. Both of us knowing…

  This was truly.

  The end.

  ***

  I called my parents the next day to let them know what happened with Cole and I. They weren't surprised. I told them I would be coming home once I straightened everything out. The conversation led back to a change that could affect them and me. They wanted to travel, see different places and mainly just enjoy each other. I asked to buy the restaurant but they insisted on handing it over to me. It was my home. The restaurant, the beach, the boys and our abandoned home that Lucas now had made his.

  He didn't know I was back.

  Until now.

  Four months went by since I bought our abandoned house. It was finally done. I upgraded a lot but there were parts that I kept the same. It still looked like ours, except newer and more modern. I did it all by myself and in a way it was therapeutic for me.

  To let go.

  I combined my life with her and now my life without her. The past and present, my future was unknown. I sat on the patio from the adjoining bedroom looking out at the water. I started surfing again, mostly at dawn. I needed the quiet that surrounded me and that only morning could bring. It was nice being alone with my thoughts, even though I was alone all the time, especially now that my baby sister was gone. I always felt her near me, even being thousands of miles apart. Her presence surrounded me, especially when I was out in the water. The house added to that, it maybe one of the reasons I bought it. I wanted her close.

  Jacob went back to California, Austin went back to New York, and Dylan was consumed with work. All I had was Mason. Stacey was engaged to the soccer coach and I couldn’t have been happier for her. Mason loved him and that’s all that mattered to me.

  Everything seemed to go back to normal or as best as normal became.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” a familiar voice said from behind me.

  I immediately stood, spinning to face her. She looked as beautiful as ever, her hair growing again, midway down her back. She wore a soft yellow dress that fit loose on her body, her feet bare. She leaned against the doorframe, her arms crossed over her chest.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I think maybe I should be asking you the same question. I moved back a few weeks ago.”

  “I go to your parent’s restaurant—”

  “I told them not to tell you. The boys don’t even know I moved back.”

  “Is Cole—”

  She interrupted me by shaking her head no. “We broke up months ago.”

  “Why?”

  “It was wrong to get engaged to him. I should have never said yes, but it’s all good now. We’re fine, in the sense that we ended on good terms. I don’t talk to him, we both prefer it that way.”

  “Are you okay?” I immediately asked.

  She smiled. “Always worrying about me. I’m better than I have been in a long time. Did you know my parents were selling the restaurant?”

  “No.” I hadn’t.

  “Yeah… after your mom… they decided it was time to retire. They want to travel, enjoy the rest of their lives.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “I thought so, that’s why I bought it. Well not really, they essentially gave it to me.”

  “Why would you—”

  “It’s home. This is my home, Lucas. It always has been. I never wanted to leave like you boys did, but I’m grateful I did. It gave me a chance to realize that this is where I belong.”

  I nodded, understanding.

  “Why did you buy this house?”

  “The same reason you bought the restaurant. It’s home to me. It always has been. I couldn’t let anyone else have it. It’s mine.”

  “It’s ours,” she corrected. “You bought it for me.”
/>   “Alex—”

  “Why do you love me, Bo?”

  I chuckled. “What?”

  “You heard me.”

  My feet moved of their own accord, only stopping when I was close enough to touch her. I didn’t. The smell of her cherry lip-gloss was enough comfort for me to say, “Since I was a kid you’ve been the first and last thing I have thought about every day of my life. I know everything about you, your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your sassy spitfire personality, taking no shit from anyone, including me. I lie awake every night missing you, there’s this huge hole in my heart where you used to be, and I don’t care because it reminds me of you. It doesn’t matter where I go, where I’m at, or whom I’m with, you’re with me. I love every single thing about you. I love you because I need you. I love you because there is no me without you. I love you because I can’t stop loving you, and I would be lying if I said I had tried.” I grabbed the sides of her face and she leaned into my embrace.

  “You’re my brown eyed girl.”

  Her mouth parted and I glided my thumb across her bottom lip. "I'm not going to tell you it's always been easy because it hasn't, but you’ve always been worth it. I know I’ve said this before, but I can’t state it enough. I’m so sorry, Half-Pint. I’m so sorry for everything I put you through… Stacey, those girls in high school, the shit with Cole, Mason… I think that covers everything?” I joked and she laughed.

  “I’m sorry that I ever made you cry, I’m sorry for all the pain I inflicted on your perfect heart. I’m sorry for ever making you feel like I didn’t belong to you. I’ve been yours for every second, of everyday for the last twenty-six years. I’m sorry for every shitty thing I have ever done or said to you. I hate myself for it. You never deserved it. I can’t apologize to you enough. I’m so fucking sorry for everything,” I whispered, leaning my forehead on hers. “I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now.” I put my arms around her neck and she let me.

  I looked deep into her eyes and saw the same intense gaze, staring back at me. My chest rose and descended with each deep breath I took, her heart felt like it beat for me and only me. I knew it.

  I brought her lips to meet mine and kissed her.

  She matched every beat, every moment, every feeling and emotion times ten. The earth stopped moving and time stood still. With my hands framing her face, I kissed her again, slower, more delicate and defined, less frantic and desperate, but with the same intensity and passion.