Harder Than Words

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “You were pushing me away because you were afraid. Now you’re working through that fear. That seems pretty damn strong to me.”

  She snorted then rested her hands on his waist. “What are we doing?” she repeated, this time softly.

  He hugged her close, letting her floral scent wrap around him. “Anything we want, sugar. Anything we want.”

  He held her and let this memory sink in, knowing it had to be the start of something. She’d come to him to leave him, but he’d convinced her to stay. He knew she would only relax for a moment before trying to push again. That was his Meghan—stubborn to the end. She’d run and protect herself as soon as things got to be too much. It would be his job to make sure she knew he was there.

  Hopefully, for a long damn time.

  Chapter Seven

  There had to be a way out of this. Maybe she’d lost her damned mind. Yes. That had to be it. Meghan ran a hand over her face and tried to ignore her shaking limbs. She knew she was thinking overdramatically, but she couldn’t help it. For some reason, she’d let herself be taken in, seduced, and needed.

  Needed.

  Odd word choice. She’d never felt truly needed except when it concerned the children, and that encompassed a completely different kind of need altogether. Richard never needed her—that much was true now that she looked at their relationship. He’d only needed her for his arm when he felt something required him to show her off. That, of course, had only been before the children. After that, her hips had gotten just a tad too wide and her breasts just a tad too low for him to want to take her out to functions. After that, he only needed her to care for the house and do her best to promote a healthy, happy family.

  How much of a lie that had been.

  Cursing, she pressed her forehead against the wall and tried to take a deep breath. Luc was not Richard. Richard was sure as hell not Luc. She needed to stop comparing the two. Only she didn’t know how. Richard had been her first love, her first of so many things. She’d been too young to know any better and had fallen into his hands.

  It hadn’t mattered that her family didn’t approve of him. At the time, she’d thought they would feel that way about anyone who tried to enter the family fold. She had no basis for comparison back then. She’d been the first to get married, with Alex finding his wife soon after. She held back a snort. Oh, yes, the two of them had done such a great job on that front.

  Now, as a divorced mother of two trying to make it on her own, she had a date with the man who had once been her best friend.

  It didn’t make any sense. What was so special about her now? If she was what he’d wanted, then why hadn’t he asked when they were younger? What had changed in all that time?

  “Jesus, Meghan,” she whispered to herself. Why did she keep doing this? Berating herself did nothing but strip her of the strength and independence she’d worked so hard for over the past year. She saw herself doing it over and over again, yet she couldn’t seem to stop it. When she noticed it, she hated herself for it, and the cycle started all over again.

  She rolled her shoulders and stared into her closet. Luc said he’d pick her up in an hour. She still hadn’t chosen what to wear, but at least she’d showered.

  The sound of a tail thumping behind her made her smile, and she turned to see Boomer staring up at her with adoration in his eyes.

  “Sorry, buddy, you just ate and took a w-a-l-k. I’m not giving you a t-r-e-a-t.” She grinned when he cocked his head. Boomer had long ago learned the words that were his happy spot. She had a feeling she’d need to rename them since he could probably spell at this point.

  He got up and sniffed around her legs before collapsing on top of her feet, that put-upon sigh too much for her. She laughed as she bent down and rubbed his belly.

  “I won’t be out too late, darling,” she said softly. He sniffed at her, his tail wagging like crazy when she continued her petting. Well, at least she hadn’t changed yet, since dog hair covered her from hip to ankle. She’d just spritz some perfume on since eau de canine wasn’t the most pleasant thing she could smell like for Luc.

  She held back a shiver at the same time her stomach did a tumble at the thought of this…date with Luc. Seriously, what the hell was she thinking?

  “Mom! Cliff won’t play with me!” Sasha came running in and threw her arms around Meghan’s neck.

  Thankfully for Meghan, the force of the impact wasn’t anything new, and the fact that Boomer still held her feet down kept her from falling on her butt like she had before.

  She ran her hand down Sasha’s back, even as she kept the other on Boomer. “Did he say he would play with you and back out? Or do you just want him to play?”

  Sasha sniffed, and her eyes filled with tears. “He said if I played forts with him, he’d play the princess and knight with me.”

  Meghan sighed. She knew the fact that the kids had played so well together earlier would mean hell to pay for the babysitter tonight, but she’d held out hope. “Let me talk with him, honey.”

  “Thank you, Mommy.” Sasha grinned and held out the tiara she had behind her back. “This is for Cliff.”

  Meghan looked down at the pink and gemstone tiara and burst out laughing. “So you’re the knight and he’s the princess?”

  Sasha rolled her eyes. Seriously, this kid felt so much older than her years sometimes. “Of course. I want a sword. And I’ll save Cliff from the dragon.”

  Meghan patted Boomer one last time and stood up, taking Sasha with her. Her back ached at the movement. She knew that one day soon her baby girl would be too big for this, but not tonight.

  “Why can’t you let him be a prince?”

  “Because I don’t have a crown. Only the pink tiara.”

  “Makes sense. Well, let’s go see what we can do about that. Maybe you two can take turns being the princess and the knight.”

  Sasha sighed and rested her head on Meghan’s shoulder. “Okay.”

  By the time she got Cliff to agree to the switch, let the babysitter in, and handled a Boomer bathroom break, Meghan had only fifteen minutes to pick out something to wear, put on makeup and do her hair.

  Doable.

  In a different reality maybe.

  Cursing once again, she pulled out a black top long enough to go over her ass, a lacy tank, and sparkly leggings. Maya picked them all out for her during a shopping trip. Meghan hadn’t wanted to buy any of it, but sometimes she didn’t have the energy to say no to Maya. Luc had texted before, saying they weren’t going somewhere fancy so she didn’t need to stress.

  On one hand, she warmed at the thought that he still knew her well enough to tell her it wasn’t fancy. On the other, the man didn’t know her at all if he thought she wouldn’t stress.

  She pulled on the leggings, wincing at the sight of her calves. Had they always been that big, or were the stretchy pants just accentuating them? Hell, she didn’t have time to pick out another outfit, and the sparkles and studs on the black actually looked really cute. She pulled on the lacy tank that would show beneath the V-neck of the asymmetric top she picked out and hurried to her bathroom. The kids laughed downstairs, and Boomer barked, but she tried to tune most of it out so she could put on her face. At one point in her life, she’d been good at this. Now she was only good at making sure she didn’t have mascara running down her face because she’d left it on the night before, too tired to wipe it off.

  Just as she ran a brush through her hair, the doorbell rang, and she cursed again. Dear God. She’d forgotten to tell the children about the plan for tonight.

  Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck.

  She’d been so worried about how to go about it that she’d just not done it at all. This was her first date—such a scary situation to begin with—since the divorce. What were her babies going to say?

  She picked up her strappy sandals, buckling them on while trying not to fall flat on her face. She heard the deep vibrations of Luc’s voice, and her body
quivered.

  No. No time for that. She needed to tell her babies that she had a date with a man who was not their father. Or maybe just tell them she had plans with a friend. They knew Luc. It was too early in their relationship to worry the children.

  Relationship.

  Oh, dear God. She could be in a relationship.

  She took a deep breath, spritzed on that perfume she’d almost forgotten, and grabbed her smaller purse. She could do this. Weakness would not claim her as its own.

  And maybe if she kept telling herself that, she’d be okay.

  Why did she let Luc pick her up? She should have said she’d meet him at the restaurant. Wasn’t that what smart, responsible single mothers did while dating?

  Hell. One date in and she was already screwing up her children’s lives.

  She flew down the stairs, careful not to break her neck in her sandals and stopped short at the sight before her. Luc sat on the floor, dressed in dark jeans and a sweater over a button-down shirt. He looked damn good, but that wasn’t what made her jaw go slack.

  No, her surprise come from the fact that he sat cross-legged with that sparkly tiara on his head as Sasha danced around him, giggling like a loon. Cliff, despite the fact that he’d been so angry earlier in the day, chased Sasha but laughed as he sang a song that probably made sense in the past.

  Their babysitter, a younger woman who lived in the neighborhood, stared at Luc with dreams in her eyes as she kept Boomer from the fun.

  “Well, what do we have here?” Meghan walked into the living room. “Did the knights save the princess?”

  Sasha stopped and rolled her eyes. Meghan added teaching her daughter not to do that to her internal mommy list. “No, Mommy. Not yet. I’m trying, but Cliff is the dragon now, so I have to run away from him.”

  “I almost had her too, Mom, but then you came downstairs.” He didn’t frown, nor did he smile, but Meghan saw a light in his eyes that had been lacking for so long. She swallowed the lump in her throat. She’d take that little bit of light and cherish it for as long as she could.

  Instead of holding her precious baby close, she grinned at Luc, who still had the tiara on his head. “Great look for you.”

  He smiled at her, that flash of teeth so disarming that her heart practically skipped a beat.

  “I’m thinking of adding it to my collection,” he said simply. “I have a few hats, but I think this is what I’ve been missing.”

  Sasha wrapped her arms around Luc’s neck and kissed his cheek. Meghan’s eyes burned at the sight of Luc hugging her back and kissing her on the temple. Richard had never done that. Not once.

  Dear God. Why did that run through her mind? One date. Only one date. Luc was not her babies’ father. He hadn’t signed up for the job, and she’d have to work harder at creating those boundaries. Without clear lines, people would get hurt.

  “You can have the tiara if you want,” Sasha said solemnly. “It’s my favorite, but if you like it, it’s yours. But when you come to visit, you have to bring it with you.”

  Luc smiled and shook his head before taking off the glittering toy and placing it on Sasha’s head. “This is for you, baby girl. But when I come over, if you want to share, I’ll take you up on it.”

  Sasha nodded then kissed Luc’s cheek again. “Thank you, Uncle Luc.”

  Meghan refused to think about what had just happened. If she did, she’d break. Instead, she held out her arms and put on a bright smile. “Give me hugs and kisses, kiddos. Mommy and Luc are going out to dinner to hang out, but I’ll be back before you know it.” The kids came closer, hugging her tightly before pulling back.

  Sasha pouted, sticking her lower lip out. “But why can’t Luc play here?”

  “Because your mom and I are going to play a bit, but I’ll be back to play with you. Promise.” He hugged her daughter before holding out his hand for Cliff. “I’ll be back for you, too. Every princess needs a dragon.”

  Cliff studied Luc’s hand, and Meghan opened her mouth to tell her son not to be rude, but she needn’t have bothered. Cliff shook Luc’s hand then let out a breath. Her kids weren’t old enough to truly understand the events of tonight, but Cliff stood on the edge. She would need to sit down and have a discussion with them soon. Only she wasn’t sure if tonight would be a one-night thing or not. Either way, she’d talk to them, but first, she needed to get through this date.

  Luc smiled at her, and she had to remind herself to breathe. Dear Lord, had he always been so sexy? When they were younger, he had been attractive, though he’d grown into his wide shoulders over time, she supposed. His jaw had always been a bit square, but with age, it looked strong…fierce. She’d always loved his eyes, long, thick lashes over a honeyed brown. She remembered telling him that much back in the day, and he’d blushed under coffee-colored skin before he shrugged and said he liked her eyes, too.

  That was so long ago, and once again, she reminded herself that they weren’t those people anymore. This was the new Meghan and Luc—the old ones long since gone and covered in scars.

  She said her goodbyes to her children and gave instructions to the babysitter once again before following Luc outside. Was it too late to cancel?

  That would be weak, Meghan.

  Weak.

  Luc put his hand at the small of her back and frowned. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

  She swallowed hard then shook her head. “Nothing important.” Just doubts that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with her. “Where are we going tonight?”

  He studied her face for a moment before leading her to his truck. He’d washed it apparently, and it gleamed. “We’re going to Luciano’s.”

  She relaxed. “I love that place,” she said as she got into the truck.

  “I remember.” He closed her door then went around to his side.

  The problem stared her in the face. They’d gone to Luciano’s before. Shouldn’t they be starting over?

  “Stop thinking so hard. We’re going to Luciano’s because it’s casual and a place we both like. I figured we’d go there instead of somewhere new so we’d be relaxed. We’re not going down the same path we did when we were kids, Meghan. We’re finding a new one. Just breathe. Okay?”

  She breathed.

  “Good.” He gripped her hand, and she tensed before forcing herself to relax. He pulled out of the driveway and started driving. “That’s better. Now, since we’re not in front of the kids, I wanted to say you look great. I like the little gold doodads on your legs.”

  She grinned. “Doodads?”

  “Sparkles? I don’t know what they’re called, but they make me want to rub up on them.”

  She swallowed hard. “Oh, really?”

  “Really,” he said with a grin. “I want to rub up on other places too, but I figured I’d refrain from doing that on the first date.”

  She’d be okay with the rubbing.

  Not that she said that out loud.

  They spoke of work and her kids, making things easier than she’d expected. They didn’t discuss anything serious, just normal things that some people might talk about on a first date. Only they knew most of the things one would ask about when they first met, meaning she felt out of her depth more often than not.

  When they pulled up to the restaurant, she didn’t open the door but, instead, held on to his wrist.

  “What is it?” he asked.

  “What are we doing?”

  He let out a sigh then turned so they were facing each other. The center console sat between them, but she could still feel his heat.

  “This again?”

  She snarled. “Yes. This again. I haven’t been on a first date in over a decade, Luc. I’ve never been on a first date with you.”

  Luc reached out and cupped her face. “This is my first date with you, too, sugar.”

  “You know, when you call me sugar, it doesn’t sound like you’re patronizing me. That’s the only reason I let you do it.”


  He grinned then, his eyes sparkling. “I know. And as for what we’re doing? I’m about to get out of the truck and lead you into the restaurant. Then we’re going to eat dinner, enjoy each other’s company, and see if we work as a couple.”

  She licked her lips. “A couple?”

  He nodded. “A couple. I’m not going to lose you as my friend, Meghan. I lost you before, and I won’t do that again. But I want to see what happens if we try for something more.”

  “You’re the one who left before, Luc,” she said, that pain of his disappearance hitting home once again.

  He clenched his jaw and gave a tight nod. “Yes, I left, but you left me before that, and we both knew it.”

  “Luc,” she whispered. She didn’t want to look at the past but knew they both had to do it.

  “You were so in love with him, Meghan, and he hated me. He hated what he had together, and I get it. I was a man who knew his wife better than he did, and he wanted me out. You didn’t fight for what we were, but I get that, too. You didn’t know there needed to be a fight at all. You only saw the man you loved and the future you had. I don’t blame you for that.”

  She shook her head. “It sure sounds like you do. I would have made a space for you in my life, Luc. I wouldn’t have shut you out.” Even as she said it, she wasn’t sure that was true. Richard had cut her off from so much, and she was only just now seeing that.

  “I couldn’t stay, Meghan,” he whispered. “I couldn’t stay and watch you love another man.”

  Something clicked, and she pulled back, her eyes wide. “Even then?” she asked. What did it all mean? He liked her then? Could it have been more?

  “Always,” he whispered. “Always then and always now, but now is different.” He cleared his throat. “Now we’re both here, and this is our time. Come with me, Meghan. Take a chance.”

  Her mind reeled. All those years. Why hadn’t she seen that? “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “Because I was a coward,” he said simply, only it wasn’t simple at all. “I’m sorry for not saying anything. I’m sorry for missing out.”