Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and and How All Men Can Help
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“I have been raped twice and have had several other sexual assaults. I was not even fully aware that I had been raped either time until much later. It was so ingrained in my mind, personality, behavior, or whatever that this was how things are in the world. I believed that men had a right to my body and I was supposed to let them.”
While the forced choice between “virgin” and “whore” has been around for a long time, in the modern period a new twist has been added: girls now have to be both virgin and whore. Along with the cultural imperative that “sexuality is everything” is the equally powerful message that “good girls don’t.” In popular culture over the past decade, this contradiction was best embodied in the figure of the pop star Britney Spears—highly sexualized in everything from appearance to vocals but nonetheless “saving herself ’til marriage.” Girls learn early in life that others—especially boys—expect them to be sexy. But not too sexy. In one study published in the journal Adolescence in 1995, male and female adolescents who viewed a vignette of unwanted sexual intercourse accompanied by a photograph of the victim dressed in provocative clothing were more likely to indicate that the victim was responsible for the assailant’s behavior, more likely to view the male’s behavior as justified, and less likely to judge the act as rape. Young women caught in this Catch-22—where social validation comes from sexuality, but the more sexual you act the more you may be despised and blamed if you are victimized—are constantly negotiating an impossible balance, constantly concerned that admiration may change to contempt. If many girls are confused about appropriate ways to behave sexually, it is in part because the culture itself tells a contradictory story about female sexuality. But this contradictory story is not just about female sexuality—it is also about the power of boys and men to shape how women see themselves.
It is crucial, then, to consider a second part of the pop-culture storyline: the way masculinity is constantly equated with power and entitlement, including power over women and entitlement to their bodies. Individuals need to be held accountable for their actions, but violent individuals must be understood as products of a much larger cultural system. By offering up a steady stream of images of sexually aggressive men, and connecting dominant notions of masculinity with the control of women, the mainstream media and entertainment culture—which includes the enormous pornography industry—play a critical role in constructing violent male sexuality as a cultural norm. And here is the paradox: this very “normality” makes it harder to see just how pervasive the problem is. If heterosexual men are routinely turned on by representations of women in which sexiness is indistinguishable from mistreatment, the equation becomes unremarkable—if not part of sexuality itself. Consider the way Marilyn Monroe’s vulnerability has been sexualized to this day, more than four decades after her sad life—which was marked by sexual abuse and emotional trauma—ended in self-destruction at age thirty-six. Sexualizing violence against women has the effect of blinding people to its seriousness, because the focus shifts from personal pain and trauma to the pleasures of erotic portrayals.
Over the past several decades, a developing body of research in the social sciences has demonstrated that repeated exposure to depictions of sexualized violence can have the effect of desensitizing viewers—especially males—to the humanity of female victims. This desensitization begins early in life, and today, due to the proliferation of pornographic images on the Internet, cable TV, and increasingly in mainstream film and television, millions of boys and men are exposed to an unprecedented level of sexualized brutality against women. Repeated images and references to women as “bitches” and “hoes” in rap and rock music and accompanying videos, as “cum-guzzling sluts” on countless web porn sites, as objects of sexual bullying on the Howard Stern Show, or as scantily clad objects of contempt on pro wrestling telecasts make men’s sexual domination of women seem normal, routine, expected, even humorous. In this light, the routine news accounts of gang rapes and countless other sexual abuses should be seen as part of a normative cultural pattern. Sexual violence, in short, is part of a broader cultural pattern in which masculinity comes to be linked with power and control over women.
In the rest of this chapter I am going to look at rape culture through the lens of four distinct phenomena in mainstream media and entertainment: the rape trial of Kobe Bryant; the career of the white rapper Eminem; the popularity of professional wrestling; and the daily familiarity and influence of certain talk radio hosts. While none of these media phenomena directly cause men to rape women, each in their own way contribute to a cultural climate that is conducive to the development of “rapist values” in boys and men.
LAKERS FANS SEND A MESSAGE
There is nothing like the rape trial of a famous athlete to remind us of how far we have yet to come in our understanding of sexual violence. The antirape movement has accomplished many things over the past three decades in the areas of legal reform, professional training for police, prosecutors, and judges, and public awareness. Arguably the movement’s greatest contribution has been to victim services. In most parts of this country, rape victims today can count on a level of compassionate, professional support that is historically unprecedented—and which still does not exist in many other countries. In spite of these positive changes, however, the explosion of victim-blaming unleashed in the aftermath of the sexual-assault charge against Kobe Bryant came as an unexpected wake-up call to many in the anti-rape movement who had been working for years to establish the seemingly straightforward idea that in rape cases the alleged perpetrator is the one on trial—not the victim. Almost from the moment that Bryant’s alleged victim—a nineteenyear-old college student—reported that he had raped her in his hotel room at a mountain resort in Eagle, Colorado, people on sports talk programs and around office water coolers began to impugn her morality and question her mental stability, character, and sexual practices. Instead of focusing attention on the behavior, character, and motive of the basketball superstar who was alleged to have raped her, people asked questions like: Why did she go up to his room? Didn’t she know what to expect?
Public opinion did not just question the victim; it also actively supported the alleged perpetrator. Consider this sequence of events. When Kobe Bryant appeared on a basketball court in Colorado on January 7, 2004, for a game against the Denver Nuggets, the media focus before and after the event was on the fans’ response. How loud would the boos be? Would they distract the Laker star to the point of disrupting his game? Was it possible for the authorities to ensure his safety? The Denver fans did not disappoint. Many at the Pepsi Center booed loudly, not only when he was introduced, but every time he touched the ball. It is not surprising that an athlete in the midst of a criminal trial would receive a chilly reception on the road. Especially when he was alleged to have raped a woman in the local area. But the more revealing aspect of the fan response to the Bryant case occurred at the Staples Center in Los Angeles a couple of weeks before and repeated itself several times in the subsequent months. On December 19, 2003, the Laker superstar arrived late for a home game, coincidentally also against Denver. He was late because earlier in the day he had to appear at a court hearing in Colorado; he flew back on a private jet in time to enter the game early in the second quarter. When Bryant emerged from the locker room and made his way over to the Lakers bench, thousands of cheering people sprang to their feet. A second standing ovation ensued when, a few moments later, Bryant first checked into the game. Yes, the Los Angeles Lakers fans gave an enthusiastic standing ovation to an alleged felony rapist. In a legal sense, Kobe Bryant was entitled to the presumption of innocence, and he was surely entitled to defend himself against the charges in a court of law. It is also quite possible that Lakers fans who cheered for Bryant had no conscious intention of making a profound statement about rape—one way or the other. It was not until months later that he issued a dramatic public apology to his alleged victim, in what amounted to a quasi-confession. The cheering merely communicated their l
oyalty to a flawed but essentially good man (and a great basketball player) as he faced the toughest test of his young life. But regardless of individual fans’ intent, there are many possible ways to interpret the meaning of these communal outpourings of affection toward Bryant. It is important to note that there was not simply polite applause when he was introduced, or a spontaneous eruption of joy when he hit a winning jumper at the buzzer; he got a standing ovation when he came into the arena.
Three decades after the birth of the anti-rape movement, what are we to make of this? Is it possible to discern any larger meaning from this highly public display of support for the most famous rape defendant of our time? Was it merely indicative of sports fans’ tendency to support home team players, no matter what they might have done? Was this unfortunate episode yet further evidence that entertainment values trump all others? It is tempting to chalk the whole thing up to the perversions of our celebrity-obsessed culture. But Lakers fans who stood and cheered inevitably conveyed something beyond support for the beleaguered Bryant. Let’s consider the specific messages they sent to (1) girls and women, including those who have been or will become victims of sexual violence, and (2) boys and men, including those who have been or will become sexual violence perpetrators.
The primary message to girls and women is simple enough: if you have been raped, do not tell anyone. Look at the price you will pay—especially if the perpetrator is popular. People will not believe you. They will actually blame you for damaging his reputation. Feminist legal reforms notwithstanding, the cultural deck is still stacked against you. Unless the profile of the alleged perpetrator conforms to the stereotype of the predatory monster—which is almost always a poor man of color or a mentally disturbed white guy—public opinion usually sides with the man. Your sexual history will be put on public display in an effort to smear your reputation. Your motives will be questioned. The bottom line: reporting a sexual assault is not worth it. Live with it. Be smarter next time.
The fans’ cheers for Bryant also broadcast the powerful message to millions of boys and men that large numbers of people in our society remain eager to excuse “bad boy” behavior. Obviously Kobe Bryant is a larger-thanlife figure who lives in a rarified world of privilege and fame. Nonetheless the statement about which party most people will support when there is a rape allegation registered loud and clear. Unless the alleged perpetrator looks like Freddy Kreuger and the victim is a nun, it is the man who can expect the strongest support. This is not by itself going to cause men to rape women. But men who followed the Kobe Bryant case—including men who have raped and men who have thought about it—could clearly see that once Bryant’s defense attorneys turned the spotlight onto the alleged victim, many people were eager to make excuses for the defendant. The not-so-subtle message: if it boils down to a he said/she said battle (which men who are charged with rape often claim it is), we are on your side.
Many fans who jumped up and clapped were undoubtedly convinced that Bryant was innocent of the rape charge against him. In other words, they cheered to show solidarity with their falsely accused hero. But if a significant percentage of Lakers fans in the stands believed Bryant had been unfairly accused, this means they believed the young woman from Eagle was either purposely lying or was so mentally unstable as to lack any credibility. It is important to explore the implications of this point of view. According to the FBI, fewer than one in five rapes are ever reported to law enforcement. One reason for this extremely low percentage is that victims typically fear they will not be believed. Why risk compounding the hurt of the original assault by exposing yourself to angry questions about your motives, embarrassing speculations about your sexual history, and the possible loss of friends who may or may not be supportive? In the extraordinary circumstances of the Bryant case, the woman also had to contend with the fact that her alleged rapist received standing ovations—as she received death threats.
When Bryant’s alleged victim—with her mother and father at her side—went down to a police station the morning after the alleged incident and filed a claim that the basketball superstar had forcibly raped her, it is hard to imagine that she could have anticipated the ferocity of the backlash that awaited her. Whether people believed her or not, any reasonable person has to acknowledge that reporting this rape was an incredibly bold act by this young woman. But once she reported the incident, matters were no longer solely in her hands. The decision to prosecute was made by the district attorney. Like any prosecutor, he had to know it is very difficult to win a conviction in a rape case, but he had access to all of the available evidence, and obviously he had confidence in her version of the story. It should also be noted that experienced rape crisis counselors and advocates in Colorado who worked closely with the then nineteen-year-old fully supported her. Did all this mean that Bryant was guilty? No. His guilt or innocence was for a jury to decide, after they had heard all the arguments on both sides and considered all the evidence. But in the meantime, thousands of Lakers fans took it upon themselves to vocally support Kobe and thus, by implication, impugn the integrity of his alleged victim. I wonder how many of the fans that cheered for Kobe Bryant have daughters or sisters. Would they have cheered for him if it was their loved one who said she had been raped by him? And if their loved ones are ever raped (by someone else), what is the chance they will feel safe telling a family member or friend who gave Kobe Bryant a standing “o” as he awaited trial? The even-handed approach would have been to withhold judgment—and applause—until all the facts were in.
At the same time, in order for Lakers fans to cheer for him with a clear conscience, they must have believed his claim that the sex was consensual. On what basis should they have believed him? Because he’s got a nice smile? Because they have watched him perform magic on a basketball court, and heard his articulate answers in post-game interviews? Because he had a female attorney? Because the alleged victim went up to his hotel room willingly? If a significant number of the cheerers believed that Bryant was probably guilty of rape and yet still found it within themselves to applaud him, then our culture is in even deeper trouble than many people think. A benign way to understand the Staples Center standing ovations is that a majority of fans were not consciously trying to send a message—but they were. They might not have been trying to silence rape victims by cheering for an alleged rapist—but that was almost assuredly the effect. They might not have intended to assert that they believed the pursuit of another title on the court takes precedence over the pursuit of justice—but that’s the message they sent.
EMINEM’S POPULARITY IS A MAJOR SETBACK FOR GIRLS AND WOMEN
A couple of years ago I gave a speech about men’s violence against women in a packed high school gymnasium in a town in the Midwest. The twelve hundred restless students in the stands were overwhelmingly white. Toward the end of my speech I decided to take a risk and criticize the superstar white rapper Eminem for the blatant woman-hating in his lyrics. I knew I would risk losing the support of some kids. After all, it was the height of his popularity, and it was safe to assume that many of them were fans of the white boy from the “wrong side of the tracks” in Detroit who had made it big in a hiphop world previously dominated by African American artists. But I reasoned that as a man giving a speech about men’s mistreatment of women, if I could not publicly challenge Eminem’s misogyny, who could? There were audible moans and groans and whispered comments in response to my statements, but I still received a nice ovation when I finished. As the students filed out I was approached by at least twenty kids, most of whom were positive and supportive. But one small girl stood out. She waited for several minutes off to the side, an indication that she wanted to talk with me in private. She was shaking when she finally approached me. She introduced herself and told me that she was a junior. Then she told me she had been in an abusive relationship. She thanked me for coming, and she assured me that she had gotten out of the relationship and was getting help. Then she started to cry, and asked for a hug. I
fought back a tear as she walked away. Twenty minutes later I was in the faculty lounge upstairs when a teacher walked in. She thanked me and then said that in anticipation of my visit, she had instructed her students to read a critical article I had written about Eminem. She was curious to hear how one particular student reacted to my speech. This student—a huge Eminem fan—had read my article and was furious with me, and had told the class that she was going to call me out for dissing her hero when I came to the school. I asked the teacher for the girl’s name. It was the girl who had thanked and hugged me.