Goodbye Lucifer

by John Harold McCoy

  * * *

  “Anyway,” said Melanie, speaking to the four other women, “David was convinced that Jillian and Patty had caught him, and it seemed best just to leave it at that. Jilly and Patty figured it out later.”

  Amanda Clark, Patty’s mother, and Melanie’s closest friend said, “Patty scared me to death. She came running in the house blubbering that David had fallen off the bridge. It took me a while to get the whole story out of her and by then—”

  Aunt Claudia interrupted, “Speak of the devil.”

  Out in the water of the springs, and onto the same big flat rock Jilly and Patty had sat on earlier that afternoon, the devil popped out of Hell. He stood there for a few moments fanning the air in front of his face with both hands, hacking and choking in a yellow cloud of sulfurous smoke.

  “Damn,” he gasped. “I hate the smell of that stuff.” He looked down at the rock, frowning. “Where’s my pentagram?” he asked, still wheezing.

  Aunt Claudia yelled across the water, “Hey, Harry. How’s tricks?”

  A long time ago, in an effort to head off the women before they got too stuck on “Lucy,” the devil had begged, “Please, just call me Harry,” the first name he’d thought of at the time, “Anything but Lucy.”

  Still looking down at the rock, the devil repeated, “Where’s the pentagram?” He smiled, wryly. “I’ll get out if there’s no pentagram. You guys never draw the pentagram, anymore.”

  Aunt Claudia chuckled, “Come on, Harry, you’re not going anywhere.”

  Harry knew the women were powerful enough to keep him, as the devil, from wandering off, but always felt a little slighted by this modern group’s lack of decorum. Still, he’d rather sit at the picnic table with the women than stand on a rock cramped inside a chalked pentagram till dawn every full moon.

  Harry hopped off the rock and waded to shore. He walked the few more yards to the table and sat down with the women.

  Melanie asked, “Harry, why are you naked?”

  “Hey! Last month you said, and I quote, ‘Harry, stop wearing that silly red suit; you look ridiculous.’ So I didn’t wear it.” He snickered devilishly. “Hurt my feelings.” He snickered again.

  Melanie said, “You’re a smart-ass, Harry.” She frowned. “…and if you don’t take your hand off my leg you’re gonna pull back a stump.”

  Harry jerked his hand back from where he had almost, but not quite, touched Melanie’s thigh. He knew better than to actually touch her. He had visions of being turned into a frog or something.

  Melanie smiled, reached out and ruffled his hair playfully. “You’re so bad, Harry.”

  The devil tried to look innocent. “Hey, ya can’t blame a guy for trying, can ya?”

  In truth, Melanie would have felt a little slighted if Harry hadn’t made his usual somewhat naughty pass at her. Not that she had romantic fantasies involving the devil, but it was nice to be noticed. Even if it was only Harry, and even if he was only joking.

  Harry made a pouting face. “Ya know, a hundred years ago the coven women danced naked around a fire. Not that I liked having to sit out there in the pentagram all night, but I really liked watching the naked dancing. You guys are boring.”

  Amanda grinned. “Oh, shut up Harry. You’re disgusting.”

  The devil feigned shock. “Moi? I’m disgusting? You wanna hear disgusting? I could tell you stories about some of the past coven ladies that—”

  Amanda groaned, “Never mind, Harry. Times change, and anyway we’re not a coven. Covens are for witches and you know damn well we’re not witches. Have you ever seen us with pointy hats and broom sticks?”

  “Whatever,” said Harry.

  His face brightened. “I’ve got news. Are you ready?” Without waiting for anyone to say anything, he declared dramatically, “I quit.”

  Aunt Claudia laughed. “What’d you quit, Harry, smoking?”

  The devil said, “No, really. I quit. I quit my job. No more devil.”

  Amanda gave him a sarcastic look.

  “Well, Harry, that’s really cool—a lot of crap, but really cool.”

  “Come on guys,” Harry implored. “Seriously, I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. Frankly, Hell is…well, it’s Hell, and I’m tired of it. Jeez…coupla thousand years oughta be enough, don’t ya think?”

  “Harry,” said Claudia with a smirk, “I don’t think it works like that.”

  Harry protested, “Oh yeah? If you think about it, there aren’t any rules, right? I mean where are the rules? Just because I’ve always been the devil doesn’t mean I can’t quit. Where does it say I can’t quit? So that’s it. I’m through with it.”

  Claudia was still smirking. “I’ll bite, Harry. What happens now?”

  “What do you mean, what happens now? It’s party time—that’s what happens now! Spring Break. I’m going to Ft. Lauderdale.”

  “Jesus, Harry, you’re so full of it,” Claudia scoffed. “Of all the crap you’ve come up with this takes the cake.”

  “No, I’m serious. Here’s the deal,” said Harry. “Tomorrow night at 9:26 when the bartender at the Crystal Sands Resort Inn in Lauderdale has a heart attack, which I just happen to know about—one of the perks of the job—ole Harry here will conveniently just happen to be there filling out an application for a bartending job. Hello sandy beaches, goodbye Hell.”

  Claudia laughed again. “Very funny, Harry, and on the off chance that you’re trying to be serious, you can forget it. You can’t quit and that’s that. You’re the devil in case you haven’t noticed.”

  Harry slapped both hands down on the table and leaned back stubbornly. “Oh yeah? Well, it’s a done deal,” he announced. “I’m outta here.”

  “No way,” said Melanie. “You’re tricky, Harry, but not that tricky. I thought after all this time you’d know your shenanigans don’t work on us. You’re not going to Ft. Lauderdale, or anywhere else, so get off of it.”

  “You don’t believe me?” Harry grumbled.

  Melanie reached out and patted him on top of the head. “Harry, you’re the Prince of Lies. Of course we don’t believe you, silly.”

  Harry sat quietly for a moment, sulking. Finally, he stood up and said, “Okay, if I were still the devil, how could I do this?” He turned and began walking towards the path that led down to Meljac Lane.

  “Hold it right there,” said Aunt Claudia.

  Harry kept walking.

  “Harry!” shouted Melanie, “Get back here!”

  Harry snickered, began humming “Born Free” and kept walking.

  “Uh oh! Something’s not right about this.” Amanda muttered.

  Aubrey and Sarah Crumb, the two women—twins—who had not said anything all evening, and who hardly ever said anything anyway, stood up and fixed Harry with identical, intense glares. In unison, they warned, “Halt, evil one.” The Crumb sisters were very traditional and no fun at all.

  Harry hummed louder and kept walking. All five women jumped up and ran after him.

  “You better get back here, Harry,” yelled Amanda.

  “Harry, I’m warning you,” shouted Melanie.

  “Harry! Stop now!” growled Aunt Claudia.

  “Halt, evil one!” intoned the boring Crumb sisters in unison.

  Harry kept humming and walking. He’d already reached the Lane by the time the women caught up with him.

  Melanie grabbed his arm. “Harry you’d better—”

  Harry stopped abruptly and turned to face the women, agitated. “See? If I were still the devil, how’d I get this far? See, can’t stop me, can ya? I’m not the devil anymore. I’m just plain Harry now, and I’m going to Ft. Lauderdale.” He managed to look smug and pout at the same time.

  Amanda giggled. “Are you going naked, Harry?”

  Harry seemed puzzled for a second then looked down at himself. “Oh, crap,” he said, with a sigh of frustration.

  “You don’t plan very well, do you, Har
ry?” snickered Amanda.

  “I don’t care. I’m going anyway. Guys, ya gotta understand.” Harry sulked. “I haven’t done a damn thing in a thousand years—just hang around Hell doing nothing. That’s it. No friends, no life—nothing! A figurehead for evil, that’s all I am, and I’m not the one who’s evil—never have been. Nobody can name one thing I’ve personally done that’s evil. You people are evil, not me. I don’t mean you guys, I mean—oh, you know what I mean.” Harry looked deflated then, very quietly, “I just gotta go, all right? Just let me go.”

  No one said anything for a moment then Melanie sighed. “Okay, Harry. Obviously, you’ve pulled off something. I don’t know what, or how you did it, but you’re right, there’s no way you—well, the devil—could have gotten past us at the springs. And you did. I don’t know what you are now, Harry. What are you? Tell me that.”

  “Just a guy,” Harry pleaded, “—just a guy.”

  After another moment’s silence, Melanie looked at the other women. “What do you think?”

  Claudia shook her head, “Got me, I don’t know.”

  Neither did Amanda.

  Aubrey Crumb warned, “More tricks and lies!”

  “Let’s burn him,” said her sister.

  “Oh stop it, you two,” Claudia admonished.

  Melanie threw her hands up and shrugged. “This is ridiculous. I mean it’s just totally crazy.” She shook her head, “…but, I guess, short of tying you to a tree, there’s nothing we can do if you’re really set on going. Are you, Harry? Are you set on going?”

  Harry looked away and muttered, “Just let me go.”

  “Christ!” Melanie conceded. She looked at him a moment, thinking about it, then took him by the arm, tugging. “Come on. Let’s get you some clothes. I’ve still got some of Karol’s old stuff in the attic. Jeez, Harry, do you even have a last name?”

  “Sure,” he said. “Devil.”

  “Huh-uh, not good.”

  Harry looked sheepish. “How about Meljac?”

  “No way!” Melanie sputtered.

  Harry looked at Amanda who snorted, “Don’t even think about it.”

  He glanced towards the Crumb twins.

  Aubrey Crumb shrieked, “Never!” She looked about to faint. “Never will our name be carried on the foul breath of the beast.”

  “Losers!” sneered Harry.

  Aunt Claudia patted his arm. “Calm down, Harry. We’ll keep it simple. How about Deville? That’s a nice name, and easy for you to remember.”

  Harry thought a moment. “Cool,” he said, “Deville it is. All right, clothes and name. I’m all set, right?”