Inseparable

by Heldt,Dora

  “So, we’re on the same page then. I’m sure we’ll figure the rest out. And now let’s go for a weekend beer at the Alsterperle, my treat.”

  They joined the line in front of the self-service bar. Christine felt Sven’s closeness behind her. She felt unbelievably good around him, in the midst of all these people she didn’t need to pretend in front of.

  Dorothea and Georg left the restaurant, buttoning their coats up. Dorothea pulled her hat from her bag and tugged it down over her head.

  “It’s so damn cold. I hate November. Why can’t your sister’s birthday be in May?”

  “Because November would still be cold even if it were,” answered Georg.

  “That’s a dumb answer.”

  “It was a dumb question.” Georg looked at Dorothea’s hat. Gaudy and colorful with three bobbles. “What a lovely hat. And so practical, too; we’d be able to find you quickly if you were lost in a crowd.”

  Dorothea stroked her hand over her head. “You’re just jealous because hats don’t suit you. This hat is sensational.”

  Georg laughed. “Of course it is. Want to go for a walk? Or do you have to make a move?”

  Dorothea looked at her watch. “Fine by me; it’s still early, and I don’t have to work until this afternoon.”

  They had just been to Indochine, where the surprise party was due to take place in two days’ time. Ines had given them the list of guests, so Dorothea and Georg had ordered the food and discussed the last-minute details with the staff.

  Georg had observed Dorothea’s excitement with skepticism. He hated surprises of any sort, so an evening like this would be a complete horror for him. In his imagination he pictured a row of pimply youths who had become businessman, civil servants, or teachers, and he couldn’t help thinking of the nineties Sparkasse ad: “My House, My Car, My Yacht” where the two businessmen are desperate to outdo each other with the tales of their success. Just terrible.

  But fine, his sister was a little more laid back than he was in that respect. He thought back to the party Dorothea and Luise had organized after Christine’s divorce. He had tried to talk them out of it, imagining his sister in floods of tears and on the edge of a nervous breakdown after the court hearing. In the kind of mood where the last thing you want to do is celebrate. But when she came into the bar where the others were waiting for her, it had all been fine—although she had been surprised, of course. And he had to admit, it had turned out to be a delightful evening.

  Dorothea’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “I think it’s going to be a really amazing night. And the best thing is that Christine doesn’t have the faintest idea about it. I think it’s great.”

  Georg didn’t answer. Dorothea nudged him. “You’re a real party pooper. You know, I’d be over the moon if someone arranged a surprise party for me. It’s so great. Lovely bar, wonderful food, and lots of great, funny people.”

  “If the people are funny. You don’t even know everyone that’s coming.”

  “But I know Christine and Luise and Ruth and so on. The others are sure to be fine, too.”

  Georg looked at her. “Well, you don’t know that; Christine hasn’t seen some of them for twenty years. They could have mutated into boring, mutton-dressed-as-lamb old bags who don’t have a single interesting word to say.”

  But Dorothea’s confidence was indestructible. “That’s ridiculous. For starters, they must be nice; otherwise they wouldn’t have been friends with your sister; and secondly I can still vaguely remember Dani and Lena from Christine’s wedding. And they certainly weren’t old bags back then. And thirdly, I’ve read the questionnaires. So stop it with the doom and gloom. It’ll be a nice evening, basta.”

  “OK, fair point,” Georg conceded. “I can still remember Frauke and Gudrun, as a matter of fact. I always thought Frauke was great; she had really long hair and was always laughing. I was ten then and a little in love with her. Unrequited love, unfortunately. She completely ignored me.”

  Dorothea laughed. “Poor little guy. She never even spoke to you?”

  “Well, just once. She said: ‘Get lost, this is girls’ talk.’ I mean, she was thirteen, I didn’t have a chance.”

  “She’s got three children now, I think.”

  “And I don’t have any,” sighed Georg. “Sometimes life is unfair. Well, I’ll be interested to see if they all recognize each other. Maybe it’ll just turn out to be a completely normal birthday party, the kind where no one descends into an identity crisis, and everyone will just get sentimental about old times, say they love each other and that they never want to lose touch again.”

  Dorothea nodded. “That, honey, is the plan.”

  Hamburg

  Christine dropped the wet rags into the bucket, wiping her hands on her jeans as she walked over to the door. The doorbell had already rung three times, and this time for much longer. “I’m coming!”

  Christine opened the door and saw Luise, who was hopping impatiently from one leg to the next. “Hey, what brings you here?”

  Luise pushed past Christine. “I have to go, desperately. Let me in.”

  She disappeared into the bathroom at high speed and slammed the door shut behind her. Shaking her head, Christine went into the kitchen and turned the espresso machine on. A few minutes later, Luise came back, visibly relieved. She sat down at the kitchen table and smiled. “You know that feeling, when you suddenly have to go right away? It’s such a nightmare. I tried to call you; why is your cell off?”

  “I’ve got a landline, too.”

  “But I don’t have that saved on my cell. You usually have yours turned on. I was starting to worry you weren’t here. Then I would have had to hold it until the gas station. God, I had to go so bad.”

  “Coffee?” asked Christine.

  Luise took a cigarette from Christine’s pack. “Yes, thanks, and I don’t have any smokes either, so I’ll have to steal one. So what’s happening? We haven’t seen each for at least four weeks.” She looked around at the kitchen. “Wow, it’s really sparkling in here. Are you having a cleaning frenzy? Is your mother coming to visit?”

  Christine laughed. “No, I’m not cleaning for my mom. It’s just that I can think so clearly when I’m cleaning. And I really needed to. Clean, I mean.”

  She went over to the espresso machine and pressed the button. Once the cup was full she put it in front of Luise. Then she busied herself, a little elaborately, with making the second cup, leaving Luise talking to her back.

  “So, what’s new? You know what, that’s a dumb question. I’ll start over and come straight to the point. I went for a meal with Mathias yesterday, and he told me you’ve been meeting up with Sven Lehmann, and that he, Sven I mean, has fallen for you big time. According to Mathias. So? Is it true?”

  Christine put her cup on the table and sat down. She poured the milk, then spooned some sugar in, then stirred her coffee for a long time and reached slowly for the pack of cigarettes. But Luise held on tightly to the lighter. “Christine? And? Tell me.”

  Christine looked at her. “At least give me a light if you’re smoking my cigarettes.”

  “Only once you start talking.”

  “Please.” Christine took the lighter from her hand and lit the cigarette. “Mathias is a real gossipy old woman, you know.”

  “But he wouldn’t make something like that up. So?”

  “God, Luise, you’re just as bad as he is. I told you I had a really fun evening with Mathias and Sven when I was in Sylt. And after that I went to an HSV handball game with Sven and I told you that, too. And we’ve been out to dinner a few times, too.”

  Luise looked at Christine searchingly. “I’ve hardly heard from you, I can’t get hold of you, you’re cleaning so you can think…you’re keeping something from me. But then, it’s not like you have to tell me. Why would you? It’s only me, Luise.”

  “Don’t be so sensitive, honey. I don’t even know myself what’s going to come of it, or what it is. I’m just confused at the
moment.”

  Luise leaned toward her. “Then maybe it would help to talk about it. Come on, I’m a good agony aunt. Just like that, problem solved.”

  Christine kept on stirring her coffee. She looked at Luise, unsure.

  “Oh, it’s just all so complicated. Sven and I have been meeting up a lot recently, that’s true. I think he’s really great and feel really good when I’m him.”

  “What kind of good? Don’t make me drag it out of you.”

  Christine wondered how much she wanted to tell Luise. Although maybe it didn’t really matter; back when she used to talk to Dani she had just been thinking out loud. And it had often helped. Perhaps that was part of friendship, being able to think out loud without getting it all straight in your head first. So she just talked. “We’ve been seeing a lot of each other recently, and two weeks ago I stayed overnight. On one hand it was really great, but a little bit strange, too. I couldn’t help thinking about Richard; I can’t just shut off my feelings from him overnight. But in spite of that, Sven is unleashing something in me. But I don’t know whether it’s more the longing for a real relationship than Sven himself. I spoke with Richard on the phone, and then ending up feeling guilty, so I canceled a date with Sven. Only for Richard to tell me a little later that he can’t make it to see me on my birthday because his wife is having issues as usual and he’s needed back at home. It’s enough to drive you insane. Luise, I really don’t know what I should do.”

  She rubbed her eyes, trying to hide the tears that were rising. Luise thought for a while before answering.

  “To hell with Richard, you don’t deserve this. Do you remember my affair with Alex? These things happen, but they have to be worked out after a certain amount of time. Richard hasn’t made a decision so far, so why would he now? You’re feeling guilty, but he’s the one sleeping next to his wife in bed more often than next to you. Mathias told me a bit about Sven, and I thought to myself, I hope Christine does the right thing. But if you’re still hanging on to Richard after all the shit, for some harebrained reason, then you’re just kidding yourself. That would mean you’ve just gotten used to all the waiting and lack of commitment. Then you have a completely different problem.”

  Christine looked at Luise, her eyes dry. “What?”

  “Maybe you’re scared of a new relationship, of commitment. If you just keep doing this on-and-off nonsense with Richard then you’re not risking anything.”

  Christine shook her head. She thought about how carefree she felt in Sven’s company. And of the sneaking around and alibis with Richard. She was so fed up with it.

  “No, I’m not scared of a new relationship. And certainly not of commitment. Maybe I was just still hoping that something would change with Richard at some point.”

  Luise shook her head. “You can forget it; I’m willing to bet on it. And if that miracle did happen, it could never be really good, not after all the stress of what’s happened in the past. Take your time with Sven…does he know about Richard, by the way?”

  “I told him. He reacted quite well,” Christine replied. She finished her coffee and put the cup resolutely down on the table. Then she looked at Luise, decided. “I think you’re right. I’ve made an idiot of myself for long enough. I’ll talk to Richard. Then I’ll make a decision, although actually…perhaps I’ve already made it.”

  “Really?”

  Christine looked at the table, deep in thought. “Well, not already, but just this minute. It’s got nothing to do with Sven, but he makes it a lot easier.”

  Luise pressed Christine’s hand. “That’s good. And don’t rush into a new relationship too quickly. You have us, remember.”

  “Us who?” asked Christine, surprised.

  “Well, all your girl…well, you know, me and Dorothea and Ines and so on. After all, we helped you get through a breakup before.”

  Luise pressed her fingernails into her palms in annoyance at herself. But Christine hadn’t noticed the slip. She stood up to open the window.

  “Anyway, let’s change the subject. Are you here this weekend?”

  Luise tried to keep her facial expression neutral. “On Saturday? On your birthday, you mean? Yes, I’m here. What do you want to do?”

  “I’ve reserved a table at the Italian place for seven o’clock. Just a few people, you and me, Dorothea, Ines, Georg, maybe Mathias, too, and…Sven.”

  Oh God, we’re going to have to let them know, thought Luise, answering loudly: “Great, I’m looking forward to it.” She kissed Christine on the cheek. “Thanks for the coffee, and congratulations on your decision. See you on Saturday then; I can’t wait.”

  As Christine watched her go, she wondered at the fact she hadn’t commented on her inviting Sven and Mathias. She closed the door. Presumably her birthday wasn’t that big a deal; after all, it was just a normal dinner with a few close friends.

  The water had gotten cold in the bucket so Christine poured it into the toilet. That was enough cleaning anyway; she had made her decision.

  Dani clapped her book shut and laid it on the empty seat next to her. She looked out of the window. November weather, gray and more gray, fog, and drizzle. The train would be arriving at Hamburg main station at two twenty p.m., so she had just under half an hour left of her journey.

  She looked in her bag for the package Ines had sent her last week. She pulled a clear plastic sheet out containing a hotel brochure, the details of the restaurant, how to get there, and a list of names. Everything had been marked carefully with different colored pens, and Dani’s name was underlined in yellow. Christine’s sister really had organized everything to military precision. At five in the evening they were all to meet in the hotel bar for champagne, and after that they would go on to the restaurant together. Dani smiled at the thought that Christine still had no idea what was going on.

  She had scanned through the list of names, but some of them didn’t ring a bell with her at all. Luise, Gabi, Ruth, they were probably friends from Hamburg she’d only met after moving. But she could remember Lena. Lena, who could do anything and always had time to help. Without her, Christine and Dani would never have been able to renovate the old house in such a short time.

  Dani could still picture it now: Lena up on the ladder; Christine pasting the strips of wallpaper, which were falling down on her head as she went; Dani brushing over them afterwards; Lena almost falling from the ladder in laughter. Christine and Lena, on their knees washing away yellow cats’ paw prints with turpentine-soaked cloths, all because Dani had left the paint trays lying around and the cats had run through them. Then all three of them at the kitchen table, pizza boxes on their knees, beer bottles in hand, giggling with exhaustion. Looking back now, even the week-long renovation had been a lot of fun.

  Somehow, life had been easier back then. The thought reminded her of her grandma, who was always saying the old times were better. She shook her head at herself.

  She knew Dorothea and Ines, too, and had spoken to Marleen on the phone yesterday. Christine didn’t even know that Marleen was coming; she’d told her there was a party in the pub. By now, Marleen was utterly convinced of the plan. “You know,” she had said to Dani, “I don’t really think a few old friends will be able to change Christine’s cautious approach to female friendship, but in terms of the thrill of the search and a really great party, all this effort has really been worth it.”

  Dani looked at the clock; another twenty minutes. She was excited, and the journey felt unbearably long. She’d done such a good job of resisting calling Christine so far. Since July, when she’d received the invitation that had unexpectedly triggered all these thoughts.

  When she had moved in with Christine back then, the last thing she was looking for was a new relationship. In the three years she spent in the old house, she had a few harmless lovers now and then, nice guys with whom she had a good time but never fell in love with. Her day-to-day life was shared with Christine; in her memory it was perfect, she had really felt alive. And then
Bernd came into the picture, and suddenly Christine’s door was shut in the evenings. To start with Dani thought it would just be temporary. She thought Bernd was an OK guy but never expected Christine to really fall in love with him. But their relationship got more and more intense. Before long, Christine didn’t have time for Dani anymore; they stopped having girls’ nights, no Sunday breakfasts, no chatting in the evenings on their beds. Dani retreated into herself; she was hurt, jealous, and wished Bernd would just disappear out of their lives. Their house share lasted another six months, during which there was a wall between them, of guilt on Christine’s side and silence on Dani’s. Then Dani got a job in Bremen and moved out. Christine seemed relieved; it spared them from having to confront things. Three weeks later Bernd moved in, and Dani never went back to the house again.

  Ten minutes to go; the train was already rushing through the Hamburg suburbs. In the last few months, Dani had thought a lot about what had changed in her life since then. What she had concluded was devastating: nothing. At least, not in her private life. Due to her old fear of relationships, she had pushed on with her games. She’d had an almost continuous stream of lovers but would finish with them as soon as she started to develop any real feelings.

  Her last two lovers had been younger than she, Lars considerably so. It made her feel like she was thirty again, as if she could still change everything. Just like the old days. “How stupid,” murmured Dani, softly so that no one around her could hear. She hadn’t felt this lonely back then. And it wasn’t because she lived alone now.

  She had forgotten how to be enough for herself. Her job wasn’t enough for her anymore; she might look like a tough personnel manager on the outside, but in reality she was a complete sissy who needed everyone to tell her what a great girl she was. Dani’s self-confidence had gotten lost somewhere along the way.

  Since the invitation, her longing for her old life had been reawakened.