Insufferable Weight of Silence

by Huggins, Carrie

  "Me too, Hun." Delia runs up to Martha and beams over at her.

  "Papaw says you're our Old Lady Binx." She bellows loud enough for everyone to hear.

  "Old Lady Binx, huh? I'm gonna get that booger." She chuckles. Everyone starts laughing especially Mac.

  Dex comes up behind me and pulls a chair up. He places his arms around my chest, and leans down next to my ear. He whispers, "thank you." Then he kisses me chastely on the cheek.

  "For what?" I brush my fingers across his forearms and lean my head back into his shoulder. "For them and all this."

  The sounds of the girls’ laughter from being chased around the yard by Hadley, Giana, and Mac make everything worth it. Soon Mac tires and sits down but the girls are still full of energy and turn on Hadley and Giana.

  "You ready for Wednesday?" Mac asks, Dex's muscles tense and go rigid around me.

  "Yea, dad, I'm all set, there's nothing to worry about." He replies subtly.

  "I'm not either, you got it in the bag. He's a big guy but don't have nothing on you. He lacks stand up skill and speed." Mac replies. "I've seen him a few times, his ground work is lazy." He adds. I turn to Declan confused because they can't seriously be talking about what I think they're talking about. Martha said he stopped the illegal fighting and was back on track. He kisses me on the neck and shakes his head.

  "Is there something you forgot to mention?" I ask afraid, knowing where this is going.

  "Sort of, I didn't want to tell you about it until the time was right." He answers somewhat annoyed with his dad for bringing it up.

  "Well I think the time would be right about now, don't you? Wednesday is just a couple days away." I ask just as annoyed. He rubs his hand down his face.

  "Hadley, I need you to take the girls in the house please." I call out to her. From across the yard her and Giana both pick the girls up and do as I ask without question. I'm sure if they heard what we've been talking about they know what's coming and it's best the girls don't hear.

  "Shit!" Dex mutters almost a whisper, he can sense it as well.

  "Please. Do carry on." I gesture my hand at him to proceed.

  "I'm the title holder fighting Mathewson."

  So basically he waited for me to fall in love with him all over again before dropping this huge bomb on my lap. I have to worry about my girls' father getting the holy hell beat out of him all for the sake of some macho title in a fight to the finish match. I huff out a breath. “I can't believe this!” I catch Mac looking over at Dex like what-did-I-say. Martha leans over and pats me on the leg.

  "He's certainly something to see. He hasn't lost a fight yet." Jesus Christ! They're all ok with this! She just blatantly lied to my face and failed to mention this when we were having our little heart to heart.

  I rub my hand across my forehead and slowly close my eyes. This has got to be one of the sickest jokes I've ever heard and he fights in a couple days. I have zero time to prepare the kids.

  "This is insane." I mutter. “How do I tell them that you fighting is different then if they were to fight with one another or me and Brody? This goes against everything I've ever taught them! I can't believe this. After everything I fought so hard to get away from...."

  "They don't have to see it." He replies as if that would help the situation.

  "You're right about that. They most certainly won't." I snap back. "What are you thinking dealing with that mess for the last 9 years? If it isn't bad enough that you're a firefighter putting your life on the line every time you go to work, this is something you do for fun. That's insane Declan! You can get killed. How do you expect me to explain to those little girls when you come home bloody and beaten, with bruises and swollen eyes every time you leave for a fight? Jesus Christ, you fight! You actually, willingly enter a cage and physically fight another grown man. I don't know how I didn't see this before; I mean look at you. Bulk up for work, my ass." I gesture to his physical size. He's a medic, he knows the physical repercussions. Who in their right mind would do something so barbaric? My mind is running a million miles a minutes, my body begins to tremble, and I feel a panic attack coming on.

  "It's not what you think, honey. It's not the same as when he first started, it's sanctioned now, there are rules and guidelines he has to follow, we've known all these guys for years." Mac points out trying to help the situation.

  "I know what MMA is. I've seen it all, I enjoy the sport, when it's not someone I care about. That doesn't mean his kids won't have questions. I'm not going to lie to them, I've never done it before and I'm not going to start now." I tell Mac. "Oh god, someone is going to beat you up! Declan, you've lost your mind! I don't know if I can handle seeing that again." I say becoming worried, I stand and pace the patio disbelieving.

  "I don't lose and no one beats me up." He can't seriously still be doing this to himself. Someone is going to be using their brute force to try and beat the crap out of my children's father. I shouldn't have come back to Texas. Running off to some other state where no one knows me would have been the better option.

  Mac walks over to me and places his hands on my shoulders. "I know how you feel kiddo but the sanctioned stuff is better then the underground fights. I've seen him through training and Martha and I make sure he's properly evaluated by a licensed medical practitioner every six months as well as all the required pre-fight physicals and scans. He's healthy and he doesn't lose. If we saw anything we didn't like on his brain scans, we would stop him."

  "I'll quit, if you want." Dex says behind me a bit sullenly.

  "No you won't, I'm not asking you to do that and you don't even want to, I can tell by the way you just said it." I shake my head feeling the tears well in my eyes. That's the last thing I want him to do because it won't be his idea. It's why I left so long ago in the first place. I don't want him quitting because of me when he and his family depend on the income. It's what he thinks I want and I know he isn't ready to stop.

  "I think I've come back and screwed up your life enough as is I'm not going to tell you how to live it." I mutter. I sure as heck won't keep him from doing something he apparently enjoys.

  "WHAT? Why do you keep saying that?" He yells and grabs my arm spinning me around. "You didn't screw up my life!" He barks. "What the hell are you talking about, Amity? Why do you think that?" I shake my head not wanting to answer. "Are you referring to my daughters? You can't honestly think that me getting you back and finding out I have kids screws up my life!" He replies angrily.

  "What else do you expect me to think? You stopped talking to me and went out and got wasted with your friends when you found out they were yours. That doesn't tell me you’re ok with us." I inform him calmly. "I cheated you all out of more than six years with them and then all the sudden I show back up and throw them in your face because I was stupid enough to get myself in that mess. Now this! I can't ask you to stop doing what you've always done."

  "You didn't throw anything in my face and you're not stupid. As a matter of fact, I'm the one that's doing all the pushing. Jesus, Amity! You think the only way I would ever take care of y'all is out of obligation? I went out and got drunk because it was better for you than me sitting in the house angry. You've dealt with enough abuse and anger lately. You didn't need to see me like that. Every time I get upset you huddle in a corner and look at me like I'm going to beat you. I can't take the look in your eyes when you think I might do something like that. It fucking kills me, knowing you could even think I would lay a hand on you or them. I'm sorry I got upset but you kept them from me! I had every right to be. I missed out on seeing you pregnant, helping you, and holding them when they were born. All the things I wish I could have been there for. The way they are, how smart, kind, and respectful, it has nothing to do with me and that hurts. I don't know what their first words were or when they started walking. I don't know my own kids."

  I can't even look at him I feel so ashamed because that's exactly what I thought. All this had to do with me being a failure, getting t
he crap beat out of me, and then being ashamed of myself for getting pregnant and he's right. He didn't get to see the precious moments I did.

  "Cut it out, dammit! I'm coming to terms with it now that I have them. I'm happy they're mine. These fights are not that bad either and you know it! Just admit it." He says reading my thoughts. "Come to my fight and I'll prove it to you. I'll prove that I'm going to be Ok." He says.

  "It's not about me, remember? It's about those little girls in there and they are not going to your fight." I point towards the house praying they don't hear this. "Once I had them it was never about me anymore. What do I tell them?" I say aghast.

  "All this," I gesture between me and him. "Has always been about them that's why I'm here…... I mean,” his face falls “.... Oh, no, no that's not what I…” That doesn't sound like I thought it would.

  "Oh honey." Martha gasps. I look at her and burst into tears.

  “...mom, I didn’t mean it like that..."

  "Maybe for you Amity, but not for me." Declan says wounded. "I never stopped loving you. I didn't walk away from you! You left me and you took them without telling me and never said why. I don't believe your bullshit school experience excuse as why you left. What did I do to you to run you off?” He was becoming far angrier and consumed with hurt than I'd ever seen him before. He was finally really telling me how he felt and it was because we were fighting. He finally told me he loves me.

  "I didn't take them knowingly, that's not fair of you to throw that in my face." I interjected.

  "No but you kept them from me knowingly and you still won't answer the damn question." He says stepping towards me. "You stopped talking to me, changed your number, your email, and never came home. You didn't even show up to your own parents’ funeral for crying out loud. I had no way of knowing you were still alive. You fucking left me and hid them from me like I wasn't deserving. What did I ever do to you?” He bellows. "You broke your promise to me first, Amity. You did all that, not me. Those are my kids and you stole years from me that I won't get back." He leans down in front of me and places both hands on my waist.

  "I love you and those girls. I would die for y'all. If this isn't something you want me to do I won't do it. It's a sport and I enjoy it. Mostly for the stress relief it gives me but I don't have to fight, not anymore. I don't think you understand. If you asked me to pack my stuff and move across the country for the three of you I would do it in a heart beat, I would have done it years ago. I'm not getting that from you. If anything I'm the one that's scared you're going to leave again. I don't know if you're holding back on me or if you don't care about me as much as I do you but I'm fucking drowning here. I'm trying to prove to you I want y'all and that includes you. I'm doing my best at showing y'all I'm nothing like that asshole that did that to you or the kid you ran away from. I want my family Amity and I don't care what it takes. Just tell me what you want, please." He pleads. "What do you want from me? What else do I have to do to show you I love y'all? That I'm in love with you.” He asks again. I know what I want but I can't find the words. I've never been able to tell him outright that I love him. After everything I've put him through and done to him I don't feel deserving of someone like him.

  "Tell me something! Anything?"

  "I'm scared to tell you the truth." I whimper.

  "THEN TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!" He shouts.

  "I want all of you." I utter finally looking up at him. He sits down and pulls me in front of him and hugs my waist.

  "Fine, you got it, you've always had me since we were kids. I've always been yours." He replies. "I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember, so much so it's fucking ripping me apart and it killed me when you left. I've bent over backwards for you and all you've done is parade around with my heart. You fucking took it with you and left me with nothing. I don't think you feel the same way and I'm going out of my mind here. You've never said it before. Do you love me? Have you ever?"

  "I don't think you understand, Declan. I want you everyday, all day. I want real commitment, to me and our daughters before I can…." I mumble.

  "I don't understand; I don't know what else ......" He freezes and looks me square in the face. "You want to get married!" He says finally understanding. He goes pale. I actually almost laugh at him. He huffs out a breath and I'm certain he may just pass out. He stands up and walks into his parents’ house without saying a word. I think that was it, that was his no go zone. I went there. I stand disbelieving and look from Martha to Mac.

  "This is a lot for him to process, sweetheart." Martha tries to console me.

  "The hell it is. He knows what he's doing. I hope he gets his shit together because this time, if he walks out that door he's not allowed back even for a visit. I've always told him if he loved her that much he should have gone after her and done what was right. As for you, I love you like a daughter but if you don't love him you need to say so. He just got his life back together after what you did to him." Mac says surprising us both and leaves us out on the porch. I look at Martha unable to say anything and she does the same.

  "Mom I swear I do and he deserves the truth but I can't give him both." I whisper.

  “I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think.” She says calmly.

  "He's not leaving me because I want to get married down the road, right?" I ask her, she purses her lips and shakes her head not knowing what he could be thinking either.

  I walk away from her into the house to find the girls, Hadley and Giana at the kitchen table. I take a seat between the girls and don't even touch my plate which has already been made for me.

  Declan enters the room fifteen minutes later. If I thought he looked pale before, he doesn't now. He makes his way towards me and pulls me around in my chair to face him. He kneels down between me and Delaney holding up a ring. I shake my head vigorously knowing what he's trying to do. Everyone turns to look at us as surprised as I am.

  "No Dex, I didn't mean right now! It's only been a few days!" I exclaim.

  "Shut up," he replies exacerbated. "You're stubborn, insufferable, and you drive me crazy. I'm sorry it took so long, but I don't plan on leaving you ever and I'm not letting you go again. Who cares how long it did or didn't take. A few days and a childhood together is enough to know that this is what I want and I'm taking it because I need to hear you say it back."

  I open my mouth to speak but he put his free hand across my lips. "Before you say a word I have to ask." He turns to the girls. "Delaney and Delia, can I marry your mother, live with y'all forever, and protect you three always?" They both go wide eyed and plaster huge smiles on their precious little faces.

  "Yes, daddy." They both squeal with delight and clap excitedly.

  I look at everyone else. Martha and Giana are teary eyed and Hadley has a huge grin on her face. When I turn back to Dex he's impatiently waiting my answer now.

  "You're my best friend Amity, I promise I will always be your knight in a turnout suit and do everything I can to make sure you don't get hurt again. Will you be my wife?" He still has his hand over my mouth so I just nod.

  "I love you, Amity." He grins from ear to ear.

  "I love you too, Declan." I reply when he moves his hand.

  "Now that's a hell of a proposal," Mac chuckles. He jerks me out of my chair and lifts me up in his massive arms.

  "You won't fu.... Sorry girls." He says looking down at the twins, correcting his bad language. "You won't regret it, baby girl." He kisses me long and hard which kind of embarrasses me in front of his family. "It's cause I'm a fireman isn't it?" He asks before he kisses me again and sits me back down.

  ".... Chief, I'm all about the rank." I add kissing him again, not caring anymore. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. He is the one for me and it shouldn't have taken this long for me to figure it out.

  "Is this Andrea's wedding ring?" I ask staring at it. I don't think I've ever seen a square cut diamond this large before. It's set in white gold and has one smaller square ruby on each s
ide. It was so Andrea and very fitting considering Declan's and the girls’ birthstones are rubies.

  "Yup, it was my mom's. She gave it to Dex when she passed away a couple years ago." Mac smiles.

  "Aw, Mac. I'm sorry to hear about Mim. I always loved that woman." I say. He nods his acceptance. Dex takes his seat with one arm draped across the back of Delia's chair. She beams up at him and he kisses her on the cheek.

  "How is it after a week she gets a proposal but I've been waiting 4 years and nada?" Giana glares over at Hadley. She shrugs in response.

  "We aren't as dysfunctional as those two. Plus, they actually have twenty-four years and you don't have my one-night stand love twins." She replies.

  Martha rolls her eyes, "Declan should have married her when I told him to."

  "Mom, I was ten when you told me to marry her." He interjects. I can't help but laugh.

  After dinner we're all sitting around in the living room in our food comas. Mac puts on the DVR and plays one of Mathewson's latest fights. I glare up at Dex and he squeezes my hand knowingly. The girls are sitting on the floor coloring and stop to watch the fight. Delia even seems a little intrigued as she moves closer to the TV.

  "Delia, does that bother you?" Dex asks. She turns to him and shakes her head.

  "No, silly. It's not real." She replies.

  "What makes you say that?" I ask curiously. I was becoming nervous. She thinks that everything on tv is fake and her father does that for fun. It's as real as it could get.

  "Because they don't hate each other." Delia chimes in.

  "Only real fights are when someone doesn't like someone else." Delaney adds.

  "But they are really hurting each other when they hit each other." I point out.

  "Yea." Delia shrugs. "But they hug when it's over and are fwiends again."

  "Do y'all know that your dad does that?" Hadley asks. I snap my head in her direction and give her a dirty look.

  "Really you do?" Delaney asks him amazed.