How to Talk Dirty and Influence People

by Lenny Bruce

  I started to get chills and, fearing a recurrence of Staph, I telephoned my doctor. He was away for the weekend. But his consultant put me into Haverford Hospital. I stayed four days before going back to the hotel.

  At ten minutes after twelve noon on September 29th I heard a knock on my door at the hotel. Which was indeed disturbing, because I had left an adamant request that I not be disturbed.

  “It’s the manager.” Bam! Bam! Bam!

  “Can you manage to refrain from knocking at my door?”

  “You better open up—it’s for your own good.” Bam! Bam! Bam!

  “Hello, desk? There’s some kind of a nut outside my door who says he’s the manager. I’d like the police.”

  Crunch! Crack! Plaster fell, and the door walked in wearing size-12 shoes.

  “It’s the police.”

  “Christ, what service. I just called for you guys.”

  “Never mind the shit, where’s the shit?”

  Now is that weird—these guys say “Where’s the shit?” knowing that I’ll do a bit. If I copped out to it—that is, if there were any shit—“The shit, sir, if you’re referring to the products of Parke Davis, is scattered on my dresser. And if you will kindly remove that DO NOT DISTURB sign from my arm . . . I cannot do so with your handcuffs restraining me.”

  Incidentally, I use the word “shit” in context. It’s not obscene as far as narcotics is concerned—that’s the Supreme Court ruling on the picture The Connection. In other words, if you shit in your pants and smoke it, you’re cool.

  Officer Perry of the Philadelphia Narcotics Unit testified at a hearing the next day: “Armed with a search and seizure warrant signed by Magistrate Keiser, we went to the John Bartram Hotel, room 616. Upon gaining entrance to the room, we did conduct a search of the defendant’s room and found in a bureau drawer the following paraphernalia: One green box containing thirty-six ampules labeled Methedrine, and also one plastic vial containing eleven white tablets, not labeled, one glass bottle containing———”

  And the court interposed in the person of Der Keiser himself (the magistrate who had issued the warrant and was now passing on the validity of his procedures): “Identified then as what?”

  “We don’t know, sir. It hasn’t been analyzed yet.”

  THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY: “Does it contain liquids, or powder or pills?”

  OFFICER PERRY: “I stated eleven tablets in plastic vial, not labeled; one plastic bottle containing a clear liquid with George Evans Pharmacy label, narcotic No. 4102, No. 98-351; one plastic vial containing thirteen white tablets, labeled antihistamine; five glass syringes; twenty plastic syringes; four needles.

  “We interrogated the defendant pertaining to the paraphernalia, sir. The defendant stated to me, in company with the other officers, that he had gotten these legitimately.

  “I then told the defendant to dress himself, he would come down to Narcotics Headquarters.

  “The defendant stated he was too ill to be moved. The procedure was to call the police surgeon. . . . Lenny Bruce refused to let this doctor examine him.”

  I had said, “He’s your doctor, schmuck. I want my doctor.”

  The transcript, by the way, is incorrectly punctuated on this point. It comes out reading, “He’s your Doctor Schmuck . . .”

  My doctor’s consultant’s name was on my prescription, and the officer contacted him because, as he explained to the court, he had wanted to check with the doctor to see whether I could be moved. The consultant supposedly told him I could be.

  I was just out of the hospital and he gave this diagnosis over the phone!

  The officer continued his testimony: “At that time Lenny still refused to be moved. I called for a police wagon and a stretcher. The defendant was taken out of the John Bartram Hotel on a stretcher———”

  They got me on the stretcher, and everybody was sullen and quiet, including Dr. Schmuck, until we got to the elevator. Now, stretchers are made for hospital elevators. They are seven feet long, and most elevators fall several feet short of that. The dialog ran as follows:

  STRETCHER-BEARER NUMBER ONE: “How the hell are we gonna get this thing in the elevator? [To patient] Hey, Bruce, why don’t you cooperate and get out of this thing till we get to the street, then you can get back in it.”

  “I’d like to oblige you, Mr. Ayres, but as noble as your intentions are, some old cum laude district attorney will pervert your words on cross-examination: ‘So he said he was too ill to be moved, but he got out of the stretcher before getting into the elevator . . .’”

  How they resolved the problem was to put the stretcher in the way it fit: up and down. Feet up, head down.

  Because I didn’t cooperate, a slant-board position was my reward. People getting into the elevator—“Hello, Mr. Bruce.” I was looking up everybody’s bloomers.

  And where do you think they brought me, boys and girls? Where would you bring anyone who is on your stretcher? Why, to police headquarters, of course.

  Yes, I got the whole police treatment which, I go on record to state before any committee, is like being dealt with by the monitors that we used to have in school. Police brutality is a myth, no doubt propagated by felons ashamed of having finked out eagerly at their first sight of bars. Anticipating continual sly references by mother and brother, they grasp for a method of self-serving.

  Oh, how they beat me

  Rubber hosed and Sam Levened me

  And Brian Donlevy’d me

  In their back rooms.

  “Give us names, Bruce,

  Give us the names and you

  Can walk out a free man.

  Give us the names of a

  Few of your friends.”

  But I, Spartan-sired,

  Would do ten years in prison

  Before I would give

  The name of one friend—

  Or is that a little bullshit?

  I would give names upon names

  Of those yet unborn

  Rather than do a 50th birthday

  In some maximum security.

  The halls of justice.

  The only place

  You see the justice,

  Is in the halls.

  “The rotten D.A., how about that son of a bitch wantinta send those two poor babies to the gas chamber, two poor kids barely out of their teens, who just shot and killed their way across the country—48 gas-station attendants who just missed supper and their lives. And the kids only got 18 cents and a couple of packs of cigarettes and a blown-out tire. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the District Attorney wants to send those two poor kids to the gas chamber for a pack of smokes and 18 cents and a no-good tire.”

  The halls of justice.

  The only place

  You see the justice,

  Is in the halls

  Where the felon hears

  A judge at recess talking

  To that guy from the Capitol:

  “You sure it’s all right?”

  “Would I tell you it was

  All right if it wasn’t

  All right? You just tell her

  You’re a friend of the judge’s.”

  Call Crestview 4, Franklin 7,

  Michigan 8, Circle 5, Republic 3,

  They’re all her answering services,

  Those unseen pimps who

  Work for Madam Bell.

  “I’m sorry, but Miss Kim Pat doesn’t answer her telephone. And I did try one ring and hang up, then three rings.”

  “Well, operator, I’ll be truthful with you, I wanna get laid, and if she’s busy, how about you? I’m blind, you see, no one will ever know unless you should identify me at some line-up that you might be participating in.”

  Police brutality. Think about it. Think about the time it happened to you. If your frame of reference is the South, that’s not police brutality, it’s Southern revolution. That’s a separate country down there.

  “They beat the crap out of me, but I proved I was a man. They kep
t beating me, but I didn’t give them no names.”

  “What names, schmuck? You were arrested for exposing yourself.”

  As I look at the transcript of my Philadelphia hearing, I see a crystallization of the argument that the Judicial and the Executive are one, lessening the checks-and-balances effect that was intended by Ben Franklin and those other revolutionaries who got together in Philadelphia.

  Cross-examination by my attorney, Malcolm Berkowitz, elicited the following from the cop who made the arrest:

  Q. Do you have your search and seizure warrant?

  A. Yes, sir.

  Q. May we see it?

  A. Positively. (Search and seizure warrant is examined by Mr. Berkowitz.)

  THE COURT: I’ll attest to the fact it’s my signature thereon.

  Q. Now, in this search and seizure warrant the signature of the person requesting the warrant is Policeman Albert T. Perry, a member of the Narcotics Unit. Person to be searched, Lenny Bruce, white male, John Bartram Hotel, Broad and Locust, room 616. Property to be seized: opium, heroin, Demerol, morphine, codeine, Dilaudid, cocaine, marijuana, and any and all other tablets, powders or liquids. Now of those articles to be seized, Officer Perry, did you seize any opium?

  A. No, sir.

  Q. Did you seize any heroin?

  A. No, sir.

  Q. Did you seize any Demerol?

  A. No, sir.

  Q. Did you seize any morphine?

  A. No, sir.

  Q. Did you seize any cocaine?

  A. No, sir.

  THE COURT (Interposing): Wait; are you saying no to generalize?

  A. Your Honor, they are derivatives, sir, of opium. It contains the opium base. (Officer Perry should brush up on his pharmacology: cocaine is not a derivative of opium.)

  THE COURT: You can’t say no.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: I object to this conversation, for the record.

  THE COURT: I asked the question of the police officer to be more alert as to his answer in relationship to this situation when———.

  DISTRICT ATTORNEY HARRIS (Interposing): He was being truthful, sir. He said he did not confiscate heroin, or morphine, or opium. They haven’t been mentioned in the warrant.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: Of five of the things to be seized in this search and seizure warrant, he said he took none of them. (Addressing witness) Now . . . do you know if you confiscated any Dilaudid?

  A. I do not know.

  Q. Codeine?

  A. I do not know.

  Q. Marijuana?

  A. I know there’s no marijuana there.

  Q. In other words, you found nothing in this man’s apartment that’s listed on this search and seizure warrant, did you?

  MR. HARRIS: Objection, sir. That’s not true. The warrant calls for any other tablets, powders or liquids.

  THE COURT: Sustain your objection.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: Your Honor, the question I’ve asked—if you have sustained the objection, he can’t answer—but the question I’ve asked is a question relating to a material matter of fact in this case. I asked the officer who made an affidavit that he was going there to seize those listed articles and others of like kind whether he had found any marijuana, as was on that list, or anything like it, and his answer to that question should be made. There’s nothing improper about that question. It is material.

  THE COURT: You’re asking this man, this police officer, to make a statement on certain things that were found in that room that have not been analyzed as of yet.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: Your Honor, he made an affidavit that he was going there to pick things of that nature up.

  THE COURT: He eventually will be able to prove or disprove that.

  MR. HARRIS: I think Mr. Berkowitz is overlooking the entire section—the line “Any other tablets, powders or liquids”—and they were confiscated.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: Your Honor, if he had aspirin in his apartment or any other powders or liquids of that type, there would be no violation of the law involved. It’s only if he possesses something which he has no right to possess under any of our laws that this man could be guilty of crime, and Detective Perry, who made the affidavit and who signed an oath that he was going to this man’s apartment to find those things named in that warrant, that search and seizure warrant———

  THE COURT (Interposing): That’s what he expected to find.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: But I have to ask him, because he’s the one placing the charge and we have a hearing this morning.

  THE COURT: He did answer those questions.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: He said “No.”

  THE COURT: Where he was specifically certain—for instance, in marijuana, sir, he found no marijuana. There are certain prescriptions here, certain bottles and vials that have not been analyzed as yet.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: Your Honor, he went further than that. He said: “No, I found no opium.” “No, I found no heroin . . .”

  THE COURT (Interposing): Right.

  MR. BERKOWITZ (Continuing): “No, I found no Demerol.” “No, I found no codeine.” “No, I found no Dilaudid.” “No, I found no cocaine.” “No, I found no marijuana.”

  DISTRICT ATTORNEY HARRIS: As far as he knows.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: Well, who else knows if he doesn’t?

  MR. HARRIS: The police chemist.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: Where is the police chemist?

  MR. HARRIS: He’s home sleeping. You know that, Mr. Berkowitz.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: Didn’t he know he had a hearing this morning?

  THE COURT: The hearing would not make any difference. He has not had the opportunity of analyzing it. If you’re raising a request for analysis, I’ll have to give a further hearing for that analysis, if you’re pressing for the analysis.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: I’m pressing for an analysis. I want an analysis now, this morning of our hearing. What are the police doing making arrests without being interested in finding out if they have a case; and take a man never arrested before and stand him up before the bar of the court and hold him in custody. If they have evidence, let them produce it. Give us a hearing this afternoon. Let them tell us if there is anything———

  THE COURT (Interposing): This court, nor the District Attorney’s office, nor the police department, are they in control of the city chemist to force him to give an immediate analysis at the convenience of the defendant.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: I’m not asking for convenience.

  THE COURT: That’s what you’re asking for. You’re asking for an analysis. I’ll be glad to order an analysis and hold this defendant in proper or appropriate bail pending that analysis.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: On what charge, your Honor?

  THE COURT: On the charge of violation of the narcotics laws and the illegal use of drugs as so stipulated as of this warrant.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: Where is there any evidence to entitle you to hold him on a further hearing on any charge?

  THE COURT: We will produce it . . .

  MR. BERKOWITZ (Continuing cross-examination): Now, let me ask you this: Was the city chemist off duty between the time you confiscated it in that apartment at ten minutes after noon yesterday and the end of the normal business day yesterday?

  A. No, sir.

  THE COURT: I don’t think the witness has to answer this, because he described earlier that this defendant was the one who probably deprived the police department of getting this to a chemist at an appropriate time by his own actions and refusal to be apprehended, to be checked, to be examined, and to have this sent to the city chemist in sufficient time to have an analysis for this day.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: How many officers went with you to the hotel room where Lenny Bruce was staying?

  A. Three; Officers Miller and Zawackis.

  Q. How many of you had to carry him on the stretcher . . . ?

  A. We called a wagon.

  Q. You didn’t carry him?

  A. I helped carry him, yes, sir.

  Q. Did the other two officers with you help carry him?

  A. I think
Officer Zawackis assisted the other policemen at that time.

  Q. How many officers carried him down on the stretcher?

  A. Four.

  Q. How many officers were present?

  A. Five.

  Q. Now, who had control of the various things that are displayed before his Honor?

  A. I had that in my custody.

  Q. What prevented you from taking it to the city chemist that afternoon for analysis?

  THE COURT (Interposing): Let me answer for the police officer. The police officer could not get anything there to the chemist until he had been apprehended properly and an arrest report made, and these reports that must accompany this to the city chemist.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: Is that your answer, Officer Perry, under oath?

  A. That’s my answer. That’s the correct answer . . .

  Q. Because you were the one who didn’t go to the chemist?

  A. My answer is by the time we got done with the defendant—he wanted to be looked at by a medical doctor, and we made a call to the surgeon, and by the time I contacted the doctor to see if he could be moved, it was late. I got into my office and prepared the paperwork and it was too late to deliver to the chemist. The chemist is closed at five o’clock . . .

  Q. What made you go look up Lenny Bruce, other than the fact he was a big-name headliner?

  MR. HARRIS: Objection, sir. They don’t have to reveal the source of their information.

  THE COURT: I sustain the objection.

  MR. BERKOWITZ: You ever see him use any drugs yourself?

  A. No, sir.

  Q. Did you ever see him buying anything that he shouldn’t have bought?

  A. I didn’t even know the defendant, sir.

  Q. You never heard of him, either?

  A. Never heard of him.

  Q. Never knew he was a headliner?

  A. Never heard of him. And he’s supposed to be topnotch? I never heard of him.

  Q. How about Mort Sahl, do you know who he is?

  A. Yes, he reads a book or something.

  Since I was scheduled to open in San Francisco the next week—where, you may recall, I was to be arrested for obscenity—I was let go on $1500 bail. In the end, the Philadelphia grand jury refused to accept the bill, and they stamped across it: BILL IGNORED.

  Chapter Twenty-Two