Chapter Six
I'm staring into eyes so dark and compelling that I feel as if I could easily lose myself within them. He moves me slightly away from his body but doesn't let go. Energy, just like in the forest a few nights ago, ebbs and flows between us.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I've registered this information but I feel totally helpless to do anything other than stare up at him in shock. I feel as if my brain has suddenly gone on hiatus. My eyes lick over every inch of his partially covered face. Memorizing it so that I'll never forget again.
"May I have this dance?"
His voice is deep and low. It scrapes against something within me triggering memories... no, that's not right.
At this point words are still beyond my mental grasp, so I simply nod in response. I would really love to kick myself at the moment but I doubt I could even manage that at the moment. I have a hundred questions for him and yet not a single word slips from my tongue. As he sweeps me into a full embrace, something leaps within me and my breath catches. We stand at the edge of the make shift dance floor near the doors where he caught me, skirting all the other couples. Rather gracefully he begins to move. His hands continue to singe my flesh. I feel as if I might spontaneously combust at any moment.
Who is he?
He has to be the boy from the woods.
The one who wrote me that note.
For me, there is only you.
As I think about the words, they slide through my body. Pulsing within me like the blood that flows through my veins.
He turns, leading me through a series of intricate steps so that we are truly dancing. And no, this isn’t the ridiculous sideways swaying that so many teenagers my age are only capable of doing. This is actual, real dancing and the only reason I know that is because I've seen it on those TV dance competition shows. He's holding my left hand while his other arm rests on my waist. What's even more amazing is that I am in no way, shape, or form a dancer. In fact, my feeble attempts at dancing to this point have been embarrassingly clumsy and awkward.
But in his arms, I'm everything I don't ever remember being. Graceful. Elegant. Flowing. We float through the steps as he leads me and somehow, it's as if I already know this dance. Or perhaps he’s just that good and I am able to follow his lead.
A delighted grin tugs my lips upwards as we continue moving. His answering smile matches mine and my heart actually skips a beat. A thousand butterflies are suddenly unleashed within the confines of my belly.
"Your smile- I've... it's breathtaking."
His words bring a hot stain of color to my cheeks and I'm helpless to drag my eyes away from his. They hold mine captive and I suddenly realize that I don't ever want to look away. I'm afraid that if I do, he'll disappear just as completely as the image in the bathroom mirror.
"Who are you?" I whisper the words wondering if he can hear them over the music, over the throng of people surrounding us.
His lips slant upwards as he tilts his head to the side. Everything within me tightens and melts at the same time. I just want to know his name! I need to know who he is. I feel so sure that he's the one from the woods. And from the library. The one who wrote me the note.
"Don't you know?"
His reply is soft and my heart skips another beat because... because as I stare deeper into his eyes, I feel like...maybe... somehow... I do know him. But that's impossible. And yet everything inside me is screaming that I do.
I examine his eyes carefully before searching his face. Well, what I can see of it because he's wearing a black mask that covers the upper portion of his features. He twirls me around slowly before pulling me just a bit closer. No longer do I find pleasure in the steps. I just want to know who he is and why I feel as if we know one another.
"Tell me your name," I plead desperately. I feel as if he’s going to disappear again and I don't think I could bear that. My hands tighten around him. "Please."
The smile falters from his face and I realize that he's not going to answer.
"Do you go to school here?"
Even as I say the words, I know he doesn't.
"No."
Finally I whisper, "I-I don't understand any of this. Tell me how I know you." There's so much I want to ask him, but I can't. I can't do anything more than stare into his eyes.
My words seem to break his heart and I feel the sharp pain of it radiate throughout my entire being. I feel the heartache my words bring him. It slides torturously through me, twisting and squeezing my heart until I can barely breathe.
He sighs softly. "You would never believe me."
"Then tell me who you are," my words are softly pleading now. Nothing else matters.
Nothing.
Wordlessly he dips me, bending me backwards. His lips hover dangerously close to mine. His warm breath slides over me making me feel lightheaded. I want to feel his lips skimming across mine. I think I might remember if only he would close the distance separating us.
I think I might remember if...
"Please," I whisper, not quite sure what I'm pleading for.
Is it for a kiss?
Or to know his name?
Or that he never leave me again?
I'm just not sure. None of this makes sense but in a strange way, it makes perfect sense. He makes perfect sense. I only have to figure out how.
He stares into my eyes searching them for something I'm incapable of giving. Or remembering. Or knowing. I'm confused because I don't understand why this feels so important. There's a strange urgency to what's happening between us. His hands burn into my flesh, marking me as his own.
His eyes hold mine and I feel as if the entire world is shrinking.
Shrinking so that it only encompasses the pair of us.
And then it shatters. Every drop of magic between us, invisibly tying us, binding us together disappears.
Someone is tapping him on the shoulder. Carefully he pulls me up so that I am once again standing. Our lips were so close, so achingly close that I could almost taste them but he’s drawing away from me now. There’s only coldness where warmth once flourished. My heart shatters at his sudden withdrawal. Even though he still stands close to me, I know he’s already gone. Whatever strange magic was swirling around us, binding us together, has disappeared as well. And the loss is so painful, so agonizing, that I can focus on nothing but the harsh disappointment throbbing within me.
Come back I want to shout. Please come back to me!
"You don't mind if I cut in, do you?"
I rip my eyes from his face to the other boy who now stands beside us with his fisted hands hanging tensely at his sides. Callen's eyes are narrowed but he isn't glaring at me. He's eyeing the boy who still holds me in his arms. I feel the mystery boy's hands finally drop away and the loss is swift and so oddly devastating that the air whooshes unexpectedly from my lungs.
He takes a step away and I realize that I'm losing him. Panic unfurls within me. The curious vibrations that were humming between us have vanished, and it leaves me feeling bereft and strangely hollow. I don't understand the effect he has on me.
Over me.
"Of course."
His eyes fasten on mine one last time before he takes yet another step from me. Everything within me protests the growing distance. "Goodbye," he whispers just before turning.
My eyes trail after him. All I want is to chase after his retreating figure. He never told me his name. I don't know where I can find him or even if I can find him again. Panic rises up, nearly choking me. I stare until he disappears through the double doors into the corridor.
"Lili."
My shocked eyes slide helplessly back to Callen's. Something jolts uncomfortably within me. All of a suddenly I realize just how angry he is.
With me.
He's angry with me.
Knowing this, I still can't stop my eyes from straying one final time to the gym doors. I just want him to return. To return for me. I feel as if my very heart is breaking. Cracking i
n half and it is surprisingly more painful than my breakup with Callen. Which makes absolutely no sense at all.
"Lili!"
My eyes snap back to his. For the first time since he interrupted us, I take a good look at Callen. He doesn't yell. Callen never yells. He's so even tempered. To hear him raise his voice is so out of place that all I can do is stare at him in silent shock.
"We need to talk."
Without waiting for a reply, his fingers wrap around my upper arm before quickly propelling me through the gym doors and then outside the school. The cool air slaps at my flushed cheeks. There are pockets of laughing students milling around so he keeps walking until we find a more secluded spot with a bench and some trees. Finally he drops my arm. I rub the now tender spot. This behavior is so unlike the Callen I've always known that I'm not quite sure what to make of it.
Looking agitated he runs a hand through his short blond hair before muttering, "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. You know I would never hurt you."
My hand falls slowly to my side. "I know."
For a long moment we simply stare at one another, both of us looking a little lost. Both unsure what to say or do. Everything feels strangely uncomfortable between us now. We've always been such great friends. I'm not exactly sure what I want, but it's not this terrible awkwardness that has descended upon us, suffocating the friendship we used to share.
Finally he breaks the strained silence. "What's going on, Lili?" His voice is softly pleading and it pulls at my heartstrings. It's not the words, but the confused tone he uses to express them.
"What do you mean?"
Just as the words leave my lips I realize they're a mistake. It's all too obvious that something is going on. The problem is that I don't understand it enough myself to explain it to him.
He gives me a harsh look as if I'm playing some sort of game with him. "Come on, Lili. Who was that guy?"
"I don't know."
His voice takes on a hard edge. "Is he the reason you broke up with me?"
"No!" I say the word quickly but there must be something lurking within my eyes that claims otherwise. I want to give him some kind of reasonable explanation because he deserves that much. He deserves so much more than that actually.
"I didn't break up with you for anyone else." I shake my head slightly because I can't remember why we broke up. We just kind of fell apart. It was as if one small comment sent our relationship spiraling out of control. "Honestly, I'm not sure what happened between us, Callen. One minute we were sitting on the couch talking and the next we're no longer together."
His blue eyes skewer mine. "I pulled the plug because it didn't feel like you wanted to be in this anymore. It didn't feel like you wanted to be with me anymore."
My eyes widen before I whisper, "Why would you say that?"
He gives me another sharp look before sighing unhappily. "Because you weren't acting like yourself and it felt like you were keeping things from me. All of a sudden everything felt different between us. You seemed different." He shakes his head. "Distant."
His words leave me reeling. I hadn't realized that he'd noticed my withdrawal so keenly but he had. It was never my intention to hurt Callen. I love him. I've always loved him. As I think the words, I know they're true. But I also realize that I love him as a friend. It's not a love that consumes me.
"I'm sorry." Feeling confused, I shake my head sadly. "I never meant to hurt you."
He jams his hands into the pockets of his black dress pants before looking up at me. "I love you more than anything, Lili."
Before I can clarify the difference, I say, "I love you too, Callen. You have to know that."
He steps closer. As his arms encircle me, I close my eyes, resting my head against his chest. There's something so achingly familiar about his arms wrapped around me. In a sea of uncertainty, they make me feel secure and protected and safe. I've missed the feel of them.
"I don't want to be broken up." His words are low and pleading, scraped raw with need. Heartbreakingly honest.
Once again the breath whooshes from my lungs. I open my eyes only to find myself staring into the surrounding darkness. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. But I can't lead him on either. Everything feels like a jumbled mess right now but what I know is this: when I danced with the boy from the woods, I felt amazingly alive. When I looked into his eyes there was a strange connection, one I’d never experienced before. Not even with Callen. I don't know who he is but I have to find him. I have to figure out what links us to one another.
"Callen, I..."
As much as I want to push out the rest of the words, they stick uncomfortably in my throat. But like before, he seems attuned to what I'm reluctant to voice. What I'm unable to say. I know he understands because his whole body stiffens with what he interprets as yet another rejection. He pulls away staring wide eyed at me.
"Seriously?"
"I'm sorry, Callen," I whisper, my voice quivering, "I never meant to hurt you."
His face contorts, growing red with embarrassment. I see the anger, the humiliation of my rejection building, mounting within him.
"I think you seriously enjoy making a fool out of me!" He bites off the words harshly and now it's my turn to feel as if I've been stung by the sharp slap of his hand.
I gasp because that couldn't be further from the truth and he has to know that. He's always been my best friend. "No, I would never do that to you!"
He turns away and I watch as he plows a hand roughly through his hair. He mutters, "God, I'm so stupid." Then he wheels towards me again and the look he gives me is so blatantly hostile that I stumble backwards in uncertainty. Callen has never frightened me but he does now. I've never seen this side to him. Not in all the years I've known him which only proves just how much I've hurt him.
"I'm sorry," I say in a whispery voice. "I want us to be friends... like we used to be." Against his towering anger, these words feel paper thin and meaningless.
"Really?" He laughs but it’s nothing more than an ugly grating sound. "Just like that, huh?"
Flinching, I say nothing. Somehow it feels safer that way because I don't think there’s anything I could say that would extinguish the brightly burning anger blazing through him right now. Everything I say seems to fan the flames of his fury.
I never wanted it to be like this between us.
Wrapping my arms protectively around myself, I carefully edge away from him. "I don't want us to not be friends, Callen. I don't think I could stand it if our friendship was ruined because of this." I say even more quietly, "Remember? We said we’d never let that happen."
"Maybe we said that, but that was before... this." He shakes his head sadly this time and I see that at least the bitterest part of his anger has started to drain away. "I thought maybe you just needed a few days to sort things out. To see what it would be like if we were really broken up. I figured you would come around, that you would realize how much you missed me. But that isn't going to happen, is it?"
I'm unsure if I should tell him the truth but I know I can't lie to him. Not anymore. I can't keep hurting him. "No." I want to say more, to explain but I don't. Any explanation I give will only inflict more pain and I just can't bear to do that to him.
For a long stretch of minutes neither one of us utters a sound.
Finally he says, "Look, Lili, I can't be your friend right now. I wish I could, but I just can't."
My heart breaks, crumbling at his words. I don't want to lose my best friend. Callen is so solid. Kind. Dependable. Perhaps I don't deserve his friendship after hurting him like this but I need it. I need him in my life.
"Maybe someday?"
My voice is the barest of whispers because I can't imagine a life without him in it. I can't imagine not calling him, texting him. Just hanging out. Being together. His absence this week has left a huge gaping hole in my life. Again it runs through my mind that I don't have to do this. That it doesn't have to be this way between us. I can te
ll him right now how much I love him, because I do love him. Those words wouldn't be a lie. But I don't love Callen the way he wants me to. I love him as a friend. And he deserves to be with someone who returns the depth of his emotion. Even if that thought still hurts and it would be hard to watch, he deserves to be loved like that.
The corners of his mouth lift just a bit. "I hope so, Lili. I hope we can be friends one day because I'm going to miss the hell out of you." He folds me into his arms once more and this time I know he understands what our embrace means. There's no misinterpreting it.
It means goodbye.
Before I can really sink into the comfort of his hug, he pulls away. "I'll see you around, Lili." He holds my eyes for a long moment before disappearing into the darkness leaving me to stand alone outside our school at the homecoming dance.
Needing a few moments to myself, I sink tiredly down onto the bench. This has been the strangest night of my life. And considering all the weird things that have been happening lately, that's really saying something. I'm just about to leave when I hear the sharp clicking of heels slapping the cement. I would know the jangle of those bracelets and bangles anywhere.
Shay.
When she finally stalks to a halt in front of me, her cool gray eyes meet mine. Her hands are at her hips. Her words crack like a whip at me. "I just saw Callen.
"Yeah." I drop my eyes to my hands which are twisting in my lap before finally forcing them up to meet her steely-eyed glare.
With an exasperated jerk of her outstretched hands, she throws them up in the air. "What the hell is wrong with you, Lili?"
Her words are infused with so much anger that I'm staggered she's actually directing them at me. She continues without waiting for a reply. "I can't believe you hurt him like that! Again! How could you seriously do that to him?"
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