I close my eyes not wanting to see or hear her outrage. She has no right to involve herself in this. She has no place in my relationship with Callen. "Look Shay, I don't want to talk about this with you right now. It's been a long night."
But apparently it doesn't matter what I want.
"And then you go and flaunt that other guy right in front of him! Who is he anyway?"
"I don't know. We were just dancing, Shay." I pause, before whispering, "It was just a dance."
But even as the words leave my lips I know they're a lie.
He's not just some random guy I happened to dance with. My stomach jumps even thinking about him but I can't admit that to Shay. She's so angry with me right now for hurting Callen which doesn't exactly make sense considering we broke up a few days ago.
"Well, you sure seemed to be enjoying yourself with him."
My eyes cut to her. "What difference does it make?"
She glares at me for a long moment and I half wonder if she'll answer before she says in an irritated tone, "Because he loves you and you made me look like an idiot!"
"What?" Honestly, I can't understand how any of this makes her look like anything.
She gnashes her teeth before blurting, "I told Callen that you wanted to get back together with him."
What!
I jump to my feet. "Why would you do that?"
"Because you've been so upset since you broke up." I hear the defensiveness bleeding through her words. "I thought I was doing you a favor."
"Well, you didn't! In fact, you made everything so much worse than it had to be. It's like we had to break up all over again tonight. It was terrible!"
"But you love him! You told me you missed him."
"I do love him but... not like that. I love him as a friend. And I do miss him. I want my friend back. I want it to be the way it used to be before everything became so complicated between us."
Frustrated she shakes her head. A look of pure disgust settles across her normally pretty face. "You have absolutely no idea what you're throwing away, do you?" She gives a short bitter laugh before continuing, "Just once I wish someone would look at me the way Callen looks at you. Just once. "
"Shay, there are plenty of guys-"
She whirls on me, her temper flaring. "You're right, there are... but none of them are Callen!"
Shocked, my mouth drops open. I stare at her silently unsure what to say.
"And you just threw him away because you think you can find someone better!" She tosses her arms up in aggravation before spinning around and storming away. "Good luck with that, Lili," she calls over her shoulder, "I don't think you'll find anyone better than him and when you finally realize that, it'll be too late. He'll have moved on and no one will blame him for that! Certainly not me!"
She stomps away in much the same fashion she arrived.
When I no longer hear the slap of her heels against the concrete, silence once again settles over the darkness blanketing me with fresh doubts. Her words churn silently in my head.
You'll never find anyone better than him.
You just threw him away.
No one will blame him for moving on.
And then it will be too late.
The words whip around within me like a tempest.
Is she right?
Will I regret this?
Am I totally crazy for believing that there's someone out there who can make my heart skip a beat? Who can make my pulse race? Am I crazy for thinking that this mystery boy is anything more than some crazy stalker?
Maybe I am.
But I also realize that I can't go back to Callen. I can't settle, continuing to go through the motions of a relationship. I can't pretend that what we had together was anything more than friendship. Not only do I need to do what's right for me but I need to do what's right for Callen.
Chapter Seven
1:15 am.
I stare up at the ceiling but can't fall asleep. I keep tossing and turning trying to get comfortable. Even though I'm exhausted, my mind continues to race furiously. I keep going over everything that happened, trying to make sense of it all.
2:53 am.
The boy in the woods.
The note.
The strange (delusional?) image in the mirror.
The dance at homecoming.
Breaking up with Callen.
And then hurting him all over again.
Shay. A very, very angry Shay.
It’s all churning, churning, churning within me. And still, there are no answers.
3:31 am.
Honestly, I don't know what to make of Shay's outburst tonight. I don't really understand why she's so angry with me about breaking up with Callen. And it makes me wonder- have I lost her too? Have I lost the two people that matter most to me? Because at the moment, that’s exactly how it feels. My stomach contracts with dread and I roll to my side still unable to sleep. My mind keeps spinning and I can't make it stop.
4:27 am.
Everything is falling apart. It feels as if my life is falling apart. And yet I can't stop thinking about a boy I don't even know. I'm consumed with the need to find him.
5:58 am.
Exhausted and blurry-eyed, I drag myself from bed. It doesn't feel like I've slept at all. I need to talk with Shay. I just can't let this linger between us any longer. So even though it's early, I text her. Waiting for her response is excruciating. Ten minutes later and there’s still no answer. So I text again. Still nothing. Biting my nails, I finally call. Her phone goes straight to voicemail.
Is she ignoring me?
Or is it as innocent as her not having her phone with her? Although Shay always has her phone. Sometimes I think it's surgically attached to her palm.
6:31 am.
Well, I'm not going to let her ignore me. We've been friends far too long for that. Of course, it's entirely possible I'm overreacting. But with everything that has happened so far, I don't want to take any chances. I can't lose both my best friends.
I just can't.
7:01 am.
The sun is just starting to stretch its way across the horizon.
I can't sit around here any longer or I'll go crazy. Running seems like a better alternative to stark raving mad. I'll use the trail that cuts through the woods. I can be at her house in twenty minutes tops and we can hash this out. Whether she wants to or not.
Five minutes out and already it feels good to lose myself in the run. As my feet slap against the concrete of the street and then the gravel of the trail that winds its way through the woods, the feeling of being suffocated finally starts to loosen its chokehold on me. There's something so peaceful about the autumn leaves decorating the trees and the smell of wood smoke that is so prevalent in the air this time of year. The crisp snap of the morning breeze feels invigorating against my flesh.
Everything within me slowly begins to shift and the anxious feeling that has been pinching the pit of my belly finally starts to ease. I can do this. Shay and I can work through whatever is happening between us. And Callen... maybe with enough time, he'll come around as well. We've been friends for far too long to throw away our friendship over a breakup.
By the time I turn onto Shay's street, I'm feeling almost optimistic about what will happen once I get there. All we need to do is sit down and talk. Maybe now that she's had some time to cool off, whatever snit she was in last night will have blown over. Shay has always been quick to lose her temper but given enough time, she usually comes around. Hopefully this time won't be any different.
Her house, which is situated on a pretty maple and oak tree lined street, finally comes into view and I sprint the last five houses to the brick walkway leading to her front door. Breathing hard, I jog up the wooden steps before ringing the doorbell.
And then I wait.
One minute.
Two minutes slowly tick by.
Doubt starts to rear its ugly head within me. The positive feelings that had been filling me less than fi
ve minutes ago start to crumble.
I ring the bell again, shifting anxiously from one foot to another as I wait. I'm just about to push the bell for a third time when the door slowly swings open. Shay, standing in a faded red t-shirt and little else, greets me from across the threshold. Apparently she still had her party because she looks terrible. Hung over. Tired. Her normally perfectly styled hair is a perfectly tousled mess.
Under normal circumstances I would find her unkempt state hilarious. But nothing strikes me as funny this morning. The nerves are still churning dangerously in my belly because all I want is my best friend back. Maybe then I can enjoy the Shay standing before me who looks so very un-Shay like.
For just a few silent moments, she squints, blinking against the harsh morning sunlight that slants across her pale face.
"Lili?" She finally croaks out my name. Her voice sounds as if it's been roughed up with sandpaper.
"Hi," I pause awkwardly, suddenly uncertain just how to proceed. I've run all the way over here and now I'm not quite sure what to say to her. And so we stare at one another for a moment before I finally blurt, "We need to talk."
She stares down at her bare toes before jerking her gaze up to mine. "Yeah, um, about that-"
The anxiety gripping me instantly loosens because I know Shay. I know her moods and this isn't angry. Is it possible that we both overacted? Her last night. Me this morning. The breath whooshes from my lungs as relief sweeps through me. The feeling is so sweet that everything within me instantly relaxes. I spent all last night twisting and turning unable to sleep because I was so afraid of what was happening to our friendship. Apparently I didn't have anything to be worried about after all. Maybe I really am losing my mind.
"I'm sorry if I woke you, I just wanted to make sure we were alright. You were really upset with me last night."
Saying nothing, her eyes drop to her painted toenails again.
"Shay?"
"I shouldn't have said what I did to you, Lili. I..."
Even though her words trail off uncomfortably, I understand what she's trying to say. I also know how hard it is for her to force out an apology. After all, we've been friends forever. In fact, I can't remember a time when Shay and I haven't been friends. And sure, throughout the years, we've had our squabbles, but we've always found a way back to one another. I'd like to think that we always will. No matter what we happen to disagree about, we'll always find a way back. Because that's what friends do.
They forgive each other.
Impulsively I close the distance separating us before wrapping my arms around her. After a moment, I feel her arms slide around me in response.
"You're my best friend, Shay," I whisper softly against her neck.
She squeezes me to her and I feel the trembling that wracks her willowy frame. "Lili, I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. You were upset last night. Let's just forget about it." All I want is to put this behind us. As long as Shay and I are alright, I can deal with anything.
"Yes... I was. I was upset. And I did something... something-"
"Shay?"
The moment I hear his voice everything within me freezes. Shay doesn't stop me as I quickly untangle myself from her embrace. In fact, her arms fall limply to her sides as I push against her. If it's possible, her face loses even more of its color. I can't help but stare wide eyed past her.
"Shay?" I whisper her name just as Callen steps into the foyer. The moment he sees me, his entire body jerks to a halt. His eyes become as wide as mine must be. I can't stop staring. I want to. More than anything, I want to look away. To run actually, but my feet are firmly rooted to the wooden porch beneath them. The most damning sign is that he's wearing nothing more than a pair of boxers. I blink away the hot sting of tears before my gaze slowly shifts back to Shay. Her hand slides to her trembling mouth. Glassy tears fill her eyes. They make her large gray eyes look stunningly luminous. Sightlessly I stumble backwards. My hand shakes so badly that I can barely hold onto the railing as I trip my way down the stairs.
"Lili, please, wait-"
For just a moment I hold her eyes waiting for some sort of rational explanation that will make this moment okay. Because right now, I don't understand how either one of them could have done this to me. As I stand there, my heart pounding under my pink tank top, I wish that everything could just go back to the way it was a few weeks ago but I know it won't.
Nothing will ever be the same between the three of us again.
I shake my head as if the simple motion will dislodge the sight of them together along with the terrible implication of what they've done behind my back. As if it will somehow banish the hurt and betrayal that’s burning its way through my body. "How could you do this to me?" The words whip out of my mouth.
It doesn't matter if Callen and I were broken up.
She was my best friend.
How could she hurt me like this?
"I... never meant for it to happen. It-it just... I don't know. It just happened." Her gaze shifts helplessly to Callen who still stands silently in his blue boxers.
"Lili-" he whispers my name.
It breaks my heart to hear my name slide softly across his lips like that. There's absolutely nothing either one of them can say that will make the gaping hole within me throb any less painfully. I turn away, running down the brick path to the tree lined street.
And I don't stop.
I don't ever want to stop.
Not even when I hear them yelling my name do I stop or turn back. I push my legs until I'm full out sprinting, until it feels as if there’s just a slim chance that I might outrun what I just saw. What I now know. Because I can never unknow it again. What happened between them will always sit between us.
It will always be the splinter that forced us apart.
Turning off the road, I cut back through the woods. I just want to make it home before the tears start falling because once they do, there will be no stopping them. Everything is churning so violently within me but I push through the discomfort, because honestly, feeling the physical pain rip through my body is far more preferable to the mental anguish that awaits me. Once the physical punishment stops, it'll be all I can think about.
I never want to stop running.
I don't want to think about my two best friends betraying me. Hooking up behind my back.
Halfway through the woods I lose the battle. The salty wetness starts sliding down my cheeks. The painful wound within now bleeds through my eyes. Swiping uselessly at them, they blur the woods around me until I can't see anything. My legs, exhausted from the full out sprint, feel weak and rubbery. Now that I've finally stopped running, the wetness falls faster, harder and I can't stop myself from crumbling to the gravel jogging path at my feet. I collapse in a heap just as the first sobs break loose from my chest.
It's futile to try containing them.
I don't even bother.
Like a broken ragdoll, I lay there waiting for the crying jag to subside. When it finally does, I roll slowly onto my back. My entire being feels bruised and battered as I stare up at the leafy canopy of vibrant colors overhead. But I don't see them. Not really. What I see is Shay and Callen.
Standing at the door of her house.
Her in a skimpy red t-shirt.
Him in light blue boxers.
It's all too obvious what happened between them last night.
I can’t help but wonder- do I mean anything to either one of them?
I lay there quietly as these painful thoughts roll miserably through my head. It’s only then that I notice the forest coming to life around me now that my sobs have finally run dry. The birds start to chirp and sing once again. The squirrels chatter. The woods are suddenly teeming with life. And I need to get moving. I need to go home.
Standing, I dust the gravel off both my backside and my legs before shaking out my hair. Small pieces of rock, dust, and sticks fall from there as well. I'm starting to wish I'd had the foresight to have my little break
down on someone's lawn rather than a gravel path when I hear it. It's so soft that it sounds more like the wind moving through the trees than anything else.
It has to be my imagination.
But then I hear it again. Stronger this time. I turn in the direction from which it comes but I don't move towards it. Instead I cock my head to the side, listening intently. If I don't hear it in a minute then I'll-
There it is again.
"Lili..."
A strange little shiver skitters its way across my spine.
My hands tighten into angry fists. Rage bubbles up within me. I am so freaking tired of this! I'm tired of feeling like a crazy person! Before I can think about the consequences, I take off through the woods. There's nothing more than a thin deer trail for me to follow but in my running shoes, it's more than enough. Every once in a while I stop, cocking my head to the side, listening, waiting to hear it again.
"Lili..."
And then I'm off.
Chasing what exactly?
I have no idea.
I start running again only this time, I'm yelling at the top of my lungs. I can't seem to stop myself. All my anger comes pouring out in a searing tirade that echoes off the surrounding trees.
"Who are you? What the hell do you want from me?"
I wait a heartbeat, then two before continuing.
"Do you hear me? Come out and show yourself!"
I scream the last words feeling hot salty tears pool in my eyes again as I pick up speed, determined to find him. This is all starting to feel like some kind of cruel game.
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