Forgotten

by Jennifer Sucevic

  "Lili?"

  All I want is to bolt from the kitchen. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep pretending that everything is normal when nothing in my life feels normal anymore. I don't know what's happening to me. And that's the most frightening part of all. I just want all this craziness to go away. I want to feel normal again... to be normal again.

  "Yeah?"

  "Honey, you know how much your father and I love you." Her voice is thick and whispery as if she's truly afraid of how much I've unraveled. As if that's the only thing she can say that will somehow reach me from across the gaping chasm now separating us. The two of us have always been close. And now... and now there's a distance between us.

  I hate it.

  Hearing her say those words, especially when I'm being so terrible to her, has my chin wobbling as I try swallowing back the thick waves of emotion now clogging my throat. Much to my mortification, I feel the hot sting of tears prick the back of my eyes. Widening them, I blink a few times, desperately trying to make the little buggers go back to where ever they came from. But it's too late. She sees them and melts. Tears quickly fill her eyes as well.

  Swiftly she closes the distance before enveloping me in a tight embrace that hurts my still tender ribs. For just a moment my body stiffens wanting to resist the intimate contact. Right now everything inside me feels scraped raw and painful to the touch. The last thing I want or need is to fall apart in my mother's arms. I chant it over and over in my head demanding that it not happen.

  I will not fall apart.

  I will not fall apart.

  I will not fall apart.

  But there's only so much I can take and her rubbing my back is unfortunately the last straw. The damn breaks and I start bawling in my mother's arms like an inconsolable baby. I stand there crying brokenly in the middle of our sunny yellow kitchen with her holding me, crooning softly, rocking me back and forth in her arms. Trying desperately to comfort me.

  "Everything will be fine, Lili. I promise. You'll see. You just need a little more time to heal."

  But it won't be fine. Somehow I know that even if she doesn't.

  How can anything ever be fine again when I'm teetering so dangerously on the cusp of falling apart?

  At this point, I'm not even sure what's real and what's imaginary.

  How can anyone not wavering on the verge of insanity even begin to understand how truly frightening that is?

  I have a fear of splintering apart into a million jagged pieces. And just like Humpty Dumpty, no one will ever be able to put me back together again. Every day I fight so that today will not be the day it happens.

  But how long can I continue like this?

  Mentally, emotionally... it's exhausting. It's all so exhausting.

  "Oh, sweetheart, let it all out. You've been so brave about all this."

  And so I start babbling. I can't seem to stop myself. Once the floodgates open, it's almost impossible to rein it back in again. I don't even try.

  "I love him, mom. I love him so much! I feel like my heart is being ripped right out of my body. I've never felt anything like this before. I can't eat. I can't sleep. All I do is think about him. I just want this awful feeling to go away, I just want to feel like me again. It hurts too much to feel like this."

  "Oh, honey, I know, I know." She keeps rubbing my back. When she starts stroking her fingers softly through my hair, it triggers a memory making everything within me ache even more.

  He used to stroke my hair like that.

  "I want him back, mom. I just want him to come back to me!"

  "Oh, sweetheart... If you really feel that way, then talk to him, fix this. It's never too late to fix a mistake. It's never too late to tell someone that you love them."

  "How can I do that?" I wail the words as she continues stroking my hair.

  "You just have to talk to him, honey."

  "But I don't know where he is! How can I talk to him if I don't know where to find him?"

  At this point, I don't even know if he's a real person or just a figment of my imagination. But I swear I can remember him stroking my hair. He must be real if I can remember him touching me, right? I can't be completely crazy, can I?

  She pulls away before searching my eyes. "If you want Callen back, then just call him, talk to him. Work things out. He loves you, Lili. He's always loved you. He's called so many times wanting to speak to you. He keeps trying to apologize, but you won't talk to him."

  Callen?

  For just a moment I stare at her, wondering why she would bring Callen into this. I open my mouth, ready to protest, ready to tell her that I've never felt remotely like this about Callen. And then it dawns on me that she thinks I'm crying about Callen.

  Of course she thinks I'm crying about Callen. Who else would I be crying about? I hiccup. My head pounds violently because of the sudden crying jag. I'm sure my face is completely ruined by now. And it wasn't looking so hot before I came down this morning either. Nine nights of nightmares and sleeplessness have taken their toll.

  All over my face.

  When I remain silent, she continues, "I shouldn't tell you this, but Sarah says that Callen is still pretty upset about your break up. He wants to talk to you, apologize. He's been so miserable. I think he would be," she pauses before saying carefully, "receptive to the idea of getting back together if that's what you wanted."

  Even though it feels like I’m slogging through mud in my brain, I wrack my mind trying to remember why Callen would want to apologize. And then it slams into me. The pain and betrayal of what he and Shay did stabs at me but it's nothing compared to what I feel for this boy.

  The one in my sketch pad.

  The one from my dreams.

  The one I can't seem to figure out how I know.

  He's the one that matters.

  He's the only one that matters.

  And then it all comes flooding back to me now.

  Every last detail.

  Callen and Shay having sex after homecoming. I almost laugh at my own stupidity. And here I couldn't sleep at all that night because we'd argued. I'd run straight over to her house in the morning to apologize. Wanting, needing, to work everything out between us. Instead, I’d found Callen at Shay's house in nothing more than his boxers and a guilty expression.

  Well, he should feel bad.

  They both should as far as I'm concerned.

  I haven't spoken to either one of them since that morning. That's just another mess I don't particularly want to think about right now. My mother has absolutely no idea what happened between them and I'm not about to fill her in either. It's none of her business and it would only cause problems between our families.

  And I don't want to do that.

  I try gathering my thoughts but they're so scattered that it's hard to keep it all straight. Slowly I disentangle myself from my mother's comforting embrace finally saying, "Um... I just need to think about everything before I make any decisions."

  She nods her head as if I'm finally starting to make sense again. "That's always best. You should take as much time as you need." She gives me just a bit of a lopsided smile before adding, "And for the record, that's exactly what I tell my clients."

  My lips lift sheepishly but I can tell by her softly made comment that she forgives me for hurting her when all she was trying to do was help. I give her a quick peck on the cheek and she looks pleased which makes me feel just a little bit better.

  "I think I'll go back upstairs and fix," I point to the general vicinity of my face, "this mess. Then I'll head to school."

  "Sounds good, sweetie."

  Tiredly I trudge back up the stairs. That kind of emotional outburst is totally unlike me. Honestly I don't know what's happening to me anymore. It's like I am totally unraveling and there's nothing I can do to stop it from happening. That thought alone is enough to bring a fresh wave of tears to my eyes for the second time this morning.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Grabbing my books and
jacket, I slam my locker door shut relieved to finally be heading home. I've always liked school before but now... now I'm merely thankful to have made it through yet one more day. Every single one of them feels grueling. Like I'm scaling a mountain or running a marathon.

  It's exhausting.

  Keeping it all together is exhausting.

  And concentrating on pre-calculus, AP history, advanced chemistry, and creative writing? Yep, it's pretty much mission impossible. I can't even focus on lunch anymore. I've suddenly developed the attention span of a gnat. Missing assignments are piling up so fast that I'm quickly getting buried beneath them.

  Every so often, I feel one of my teachers studying me, trying to figure out just what could have turned one of their A students into a barely passing one who doesn't seem to give a damn anymore. Two brave ones have even tried broaching the subject with me but I shut them both down pretty quickly, telling them to give me a few days and I'd get the work in.

  In my head, I know I need to pull it together before all this starts affecting my grade point average. Next fall I'll be applying to colleges. I really can't afford to crash and burn now. But nothing seems able to wake me from my stupor or make me care anymore than I already do. Which, I'll be honest, is hardly at all. I've developed the attitude that I'll worry about everything tomorrow.

  But like I said- the day is finally done and all I want is to get out of here. I feel like I'm being suffocated.

  As I turn from my locker, ready to bolt from the building, I see her standing about ten feet away from me. She's leaning against a row of lockers watching me silently. For just a moment neither one of us moves a single muscle. As soon as our eyes lock, my heart starts hammering uncomfortably. I have to force my feet to shuffle forward. It's like slogging through mud. She continues to hold my eyes and the look she gives me is so beseeching, so agonizing, that it tugs at my heart even though I try to steel myself against it. I'm not ready to forgive her.

  And I don't know when I will be either.

  "Can we talk?" When I don't immediately answer, she pleads quietly, "Please, it's been almost two weeks. I need to talk to you, Lili."

  Talking to Shay about what went down between her and Callen the night of homecoming is the last thing I want to do. I'm barely holding it all together as it is. I can't allow what happened in the kitchen a few days ago to happen again. It's way too exhausting to lose control like that. Too exhausting to give in to the tears and heartache. Too exhausting to wrack my brain for nonexistent answers to questions that continue to plague me.

  "Please?"

  I want to say no but I just... can't.

  Shay and I have been friends for such a long time and I find that, even though she hurt me, it's all but impossible to purposefully do the same to her. Even though I'm still pissed and hurt, I can't keep ignoring her. We were closer than sisters. I trusted her. In some ways, her betrayal cuts more deeply.

  She looks surprised. Hopeful even. I guess she has every right to be. This is the first time I've bothered to acknowledge her in weeks.

  "Do you want to grab some coffee and we can," she gulps before adding, "talk?"

  Actually, I don't want to talk about what happened between us. Or more accurately, between her and Callen. In fact, I've done my absolute best not to dwell upon it. Because of everything else churning in my mind, it hasn't been all that difficult. But still...

  Apparently we've reached a point where we either repair our relationship or let it go. That thought seems sad because we've been best friends for eleven years. We've never gone this long without talking, without working things out. Even though I'm not really ready to discuss what happened, I nod. I suppose a public place would be best. After all, I'll have to hold it together if we're in public, right?

  "Should we take my car?"

  "Sure."

  We head to her little silver Audi which is parked in the now empty school lot. Silently we both slide into the car. With fidgety fingers, Shay turns on the radio. Under normal circumstances, the music would be blasting and we would be shouting over it, wanting to fill each other in on any news or gossip we'd heard throughout the day. And even if there was silence between us, it wouldn't have felt stilted and awkward like it does now. I just want to get this over with. Already it feels like a mistake. Shay must feel the heaviness that has settled between us as well because her face is tightly drawn. She looks pale and nervous which isn't like her at all.

  Finally, just when I don't think I can take the uncomfortable silence a moment longer, she pulls into the parking lot of our favorite coffee house, The Coffee Grinder. Without a word spoken between us, we abandon the car like it’s on fire before heading inside. At the counter we order our usual drinks. Cappuccino for me. Mocha latte extra whip for her. Out of habit, we head to a small round cafe table tucked into the back corner.

  I have to admit as I glance around, because I'm trying very hard to look everywhere but at Shay, that there's a small part of me that is settled by the ritual of ordering my favorite drink and sitting at our usual table. It feels, for just a moment anyway, like it used to feel before... well, before...

  When we're both settled, Shay stares down at her latte. Her fingers are tightly woven together as she plays with the oversized flower ring on her finger. Twisting and turning it over and over again.

  "Lili," she begins, "I want you to know that I'm sorry for, ah, for-"

  "-Sleeping with my ex-boyfriend when I hadn't?"

  For just a moment I'm appalled that those words actually flew out of my mouth. I would've never said anything like that to someone before. And certainly not to Shay. Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.

  A scarlet heat crawls slowly over her pale cheeks as she bites down on her lower lip. Chewing it repentantly before nodding. "Yeah," she whispers staring down at her steaming cup of coffee again. It doesn't take long for the damn to break and everything come flooding out. "I never should have done that. I... I can't believe it even happened! I never, never, meant to hurt you. If I could take it back, I would. In a heartbeat! It was stupid and selfish." Sucking in her lower lip, she bites it again. "I miss you, Lili. I miss my best friend. I don't want to lose our friendship. I made a terrible mistake." She shakes her head before spearing my eyes with her own. "I made a really stupid mistake and I'm so sorry that I hurt you."

  I don't have the heart to tell her that she may have already lost my friendship. That seems too cruel. Especially when she looks so vulnerable. So I sit back, sipping my cappuccino more because I'm stalling for time than anything else. As terrible as it sounds, I haven't given the situation with Shay a whole lot of thought because I've been too preoccupied with whatever this craziness is that has taken hold of me. I'm too obsessed with the pictures I've drawn to deal with any of the real issues happening in my life. But I can't exactly tell her that because it sounds totally pathetic.

  And probably a little weird.

  Maybe more than a little.

  So I focus on the pale, unhappy girl sitting across from me. She's been my best friend for so long. I can barely remember a time when we weren't friends. Can we really just go back to being friends like nothing ever happened? How could I ever trust her again when she betrayed me with someone who was supposed to be mine?

  That thought echoes throughout my head and I get a strange feeling in the pit of my belly. But I don't understand what it means.

  How could I ever trust her again when she betrayed me with someone who was supposed to be mine?

  I frown as that thought rings repeatedly throughout my head.

  There's something tickling the back of my memory but I can't... quite... summon it forth. I don't understand why that feels like it should mean something. Like I'm forgetting something important. It's frustrating just how often that happens to me now.

  Shay continues twisting her ring nervously. Her large gray eyes shine with unshed tears as she whispers, "Please, Lili, say something."

  I sigh not knowing what to say. None
of this is easy. "How can I trust you, Shay? What you did really hurt me."

  That unfortunately makes the tears that were merely swimming in her eyes trek slowly down her pale cheeks before plopping onto the wooden table between us.

  She nods sharply. "I know."

  "How can we be friends if I can't trust you?" There's that weird sensation again but I can't quite put my finger on why I keep getting it. Like deja vu. Which is weird because I'm pretty sure it's not.

  Her eyes drop to her coffee cup. She hasn't touched her latte at all. "I don't know," she murmurs softly.

  "Why did you do it?"

  Her eyes snap up, stabbing me with their intensity. Then her face reddens before her eyes drop back down to her coffee. This is totally un-Shay like behavior. Shay is brash and bold and outspoken. She doesn't care what people think of her. She does what she wants, when she wants to do it. This Shay, the one before me now, looks remorseful. Regretful. Embarrassed. I don't think I've ever seen her like this before.

  "I really like him. A lot."

  I bolt upwards in my seat as shock ripples through my entire being. Of all the flimsy excuses I was expecting to hear (we were drunk, we got carried away, we were mad at you), that isn't one of them. Speechlessly I try wrapping my mind around her words.

  Likes him?

  Shay likes Callen?

  Since when?

  When exactly did this happen?

  I lean forward. "You like him?" I say the words as if they cannot possibly be true. As if I heard her incorrectly. But apparently I did hear her correctly because her face colors even more... if that's possible. So I repeat myself just to clarify for both our sakes. "You. Like. Callen?"