Josiah was a coyote shifter, and the coyote band was without an alpha. It wasn’t merely that, of course. Josiah’s father and his brother had both been alphas. They’d been horrible, but that didn’t change the fact that they’d been in charge and that usually, the next in line for the position was the other son.
Kaspar didn’t know a lot about Josiah’s life with his family. He did know that now that his father and brother were dead, he was alone in the world, at least when it came to blood-related people. He had a family with the other carriers, of course, but it wasn’t the same thing. It was better, considering how abusive Josiah’s blood family had been.
But being the alpha’s son and brother meant that technically, Josiah was the next in line. There had never been an alpha carrier in the forest until now, and Kaspar wasn’t sure people were ready for it. It would be a great thing, but between how bigoted some people were and what Josiah had gone through, Kaspar wasn’t sure it would be a good idea.
But it wasn’t his business. He wasn’t a council member, and his opinion didn’t count. He’d only been asked to find Josiah and bring him to the office if possible, so that was what he would do.
He headed to the kitchen. Josiah spent a lot of time there cooking. He had discovered a love for food when he’d arrived at the Bishop House, and no one had protested. Not only was he a good cook, but it also gave him peace. Kaspar didn’t understand why, although it was probably because he himself hated cooking. But whatever worked for Josiah, it was good, especially if it meant the rest of them didn’t have to take turns cooking anymore.
But the kitchen was empty, at least of Josiah. Redley and Hector were at the counter, though, their heads close as they talked quietly.
Kaspar cleared his throat. “Have you seen Josiah?” he asked.
Redley gestured at the door. “I saw him leave through the back door. He’s probably still outside.”
“Thanks.” Kaspar headed to the door and slipped outside. He looked around, his eyebrows rising when he saw the bundle of clothes at the bottom of the porch steps.
He knew Josiah shifted. They all shifted, usually together, because it was fun. But Josiah always kept to himself, especially when he shifted. Kaspar didn’t like it, but he hadn’t pushed until now. He wasn’t sure he should push at all.
He climbed down the porch steps and stood there, unsure what to do next. “Josiah?” he called out.
The bushes to his left rustled. A muzzle poked out of them, and Josiah appeared, looking terrified even in his coyote form. He lowered himself onto his stomach and dragged himself closer, and Kaspar took a step back, horrified. Was Josiah afraid of him? Or had something happened?
Josiah froze, and Kaspar realized that by taking that step back, he’d probably shown Josiah he was afraid of him. Nothing could be further from the truth, so he rushed toward Josiah’s small coyote form, kneeling next to him. He reached for him to stroke his fur but stopped before he could touch Josiah.
“Can I touch you?” he asked. He didn’t want to startle Josiah or to do something Josiah didn’t want.
Josiah twisted his head to look at Kaspar, and Kaspar waited, his hand already raised. When Josiah finally nodded, Kaspar lowered his hand to the top of his head and rubbed. It took a few seconds for Josiah to relax, but when he did, he closed his eyes and seemed to enjoy the rubbing thoroughly.
Kaspar couldn’t help but wonder how long it had been since someone had touched him, both in his human form and in his coyote form. He suspected that Estelle, the cete healer, was the last one who’d touched Josiah’s human body, which wasn’t great. And what about his coyote one? It had been a while since he’d last been with other coyotes, but even when he’d been with them, he’d been isolated and abused. He’d probably never been touched in a nice way when he was in this form, and Kaspar wished he could help with that. Maybe he was, but it didn’t feel like enough.
“I have to talk to you,” he said quietly.
Josiah’s eyes flew open, and he looked at Kaspar.
Kaspar wasn’t sure what to tell him, so he stuck with what he knew for sure. “I got a text from Julian. He’s coming back, along with Calder. They want to talk to you. And no, I don’t know about what. But they sent me to find you and bring you to the office if you’re feeling up to it.”
Josiah hesitated. Kaspar fully expected him to say no, or at least, to shake his head since he couldn’t speak right now, but instead, he rose to his feet. Kaspar snatched his hand away, hoping he hadn’t offended or scared Josiah. Josiah turned toward him, and Kaspar’s eyes widened when he felt a wet and cold nose against his cheek. He wasn’t sure what this was—a kiss, maybe—but he beamed. He knew it was a huge step for Josiah. He wanted to make sure Josiah knew how much he appreciated it.
Josiah trotted toward his clothes, and Kaspar looked away as he shifted back to his human form and dressed.
“They didn’t tell you what they want from me?” Josiah asked.
Kaspar peeked, then turned around when he saw that Josiah was dressed. “Julian didn’t say. It was a short text, and I have no idea what he was supposed to work on today, so I have no details for you.”
Josiah nodded grimly. “I expected this to happen.” He looked at Kaspar. “You weren’t disgusted.”
Kaspar frowned. “What should I have been disgusted by?”
“Me. My coyote form.”
“I don’t understand.” Kaspar rose to his feet and brushed the earth that clung to his jeans where he’d knelt on them.
“I’m a coyote shifter,” Josiah said. “We attacked the cete. We burned Thomas’s house down. We almost hurt Kari and Calder, and we hurt other people.”
Kaspar strode toward Josiah. He didn’t touch him, but he made sure Josiah was looking at him. “Were you there? Did you plot the attack with your brother?”
Josiah shook his head, his eyes wide. “Of course not.”
“Did you help them when they attacked? Did you set the house on fire?”
“I didn’t do anything.”
Kaspar grinned. “Exactly. Whatever happened, you had nothing to do with it. The fact that you’re a coyote shifter doesn’t change that. There are good and bad coyote shifters, just like there are good and bad bear shifters. I’m not disgusted by your coyote form, and I know no one here is.” Kaspar frowned. “Is that why you haven’t been shifting with us? Because you think we would be afraid of you or something like that?”
Josiah shrugged and looked away. “We hurt a lot of people.”
“You didn’t. Your father and your brother did. And they hurt you, too. You need to include yourself in that group.”
“I don’t want to remind people of what was done to them. It’s enough that I can’t live without the memories. I don’t want people to hate me.”
Kaspar’s heart broke a little. “No one hates you. Some people might not like you, but then, Calum doesn’t like anyone but himself. But we know you’re not your father or your brother, and that you had nothing to do with what they did.” Kaspar suspected Josiah was at his limit with the conversation, so he gently knocked their shoulders together and tilted his chin toward the house. “Now, if we’re done pouring our hearts out, we should get to the office. I don’t know how long it will take for Julian to arrive, but I’m curious to find out what this is about.”
Josiah finally smiled. “I didn’t hear you pour your heart out. I did most of the talking.”
“That’s because I don’t need to. I’m one of the lucky ones. And I have a boyfriend who listens to me whine.”
Josiah laughed, and it was the best sound Kaspar had heard all day.
* * * *
When Julian and the others arrived at the Bishop House, Kaspar and Josiah were already in the office. It was a relief, even though Julian wasn’t looking forward to the conversation. He wouldn’t want to be in Josiah’s place, and he would do everything he could to support him.
Kaspar rose to his feet. He smiled a
t Julian and moved toward the door, but Josiah touched his wrist, and Kaspar turned back toward him. “Will you stay?” Josiah asked.
Kaspar looked at Julian, who nodded. He didn’t have a problem with Kaspar staying. He would tell him what was about to happen anyway.
“He can stay,” Calder agreed. “If it makes you more comfortable, it’s not a problem.”
They settled around the office, Thomas behind the desk with Calder leaning against it, Julian in the free chair on the other side, Kaspar standing behind him and Josiah. He had a hand on both their shoulders, and Julian relaxed.
It was weird how he’d already gotten used to Kaspar’s presence in his life. Just having him there helped him feel better, and he could feel the stress drain out of his body. He still had something important to do, but he was home, and he knew he wouldn’t go back to the council building until tomorrow. Once this meeting was over, he would be able to relax and be with Kaspar for a bit.
“Do you have any idea why we asked to talk to you?” Thomas asked.
Josiah looked over his shoulder at Kaspar. “I have a pretty good idea, yes. And my answer is no. I don’t want to become the alpha.”
Thomas grimaced. “I understand. We suspected that would be your answer.”
“Yet, you still wanted to ask.”
Calder sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “We had to. If it weren’t for the human team, we would give you more time. Hell, if it weren’t for them, we wouldn’t have asked you at all. But their leader talked to us today, and he wants us to find an alpha for the coyotes. He’s not wrong.”
“Did you tell him that the council doesn’t have a say in who becomes the next alpha?”
“I did. But he pointed out that he and his team are here to keep the peace in the forest. He wants to be sure that the next coyote alpha is on the right side, and that won’t happen if we let the coyotes choose someone.”
Josiah shook his head. “You know this is impossible.”
“If you could just think about it—”
Josiah got to his feet. “No. I don’t need to think about it. I don’t want to think about it. I never want to go back. The band were my abusers, all of them. No one tried to help me when my father and my brother hurt me. They looked the other way, and I’m doing exactly the same thing. I don’t care if they never get another alpha, or if the band is disbanded, or whatever. Do what you want with them, but don’t involve me. I’m done with them. As far as I’m concerned, I’m not a coyote shifter anymore.”
Julian watched him stride to the door and leave. The door slammed behind him, making everyone in the room wince.
Kaspar sighed and sat in the chair Josiah had just left. “That could have gone better,” he said.
Calder glared at him, but there was no heat in it. “We all expected that reaction from him.”
“Yeah, well, do you blame him? After what the coyotes did to him, I don’t. Did you know that I found him in his coyote form earlier today... when Julian told me to find him? He was terrified I might be disgusted with him because of what the coyotes did to the cete. He thought I was going to hurt him because I’d seen him in that form.”
Julian’s eyes widened. He’d noticed that Josiah kept to himself, especially when the other carriers shifted and played together in the forest. He hadn’t thought much about it. He’d figured it was normal, considering everything Josiah had gone through, but he hadn’t expected that was the reason behind it. “Did you tell him no one here cares?” he asked.
Kaspar nodded. “Of course I did. I wanted him to know that no one hates him for what he is. I told him that just like bear shifters can be either good or bad, or somewhere in the middle, the same goes for the coyotes. It’s not his fault that his father and his brother were terrible alphas who only thought of themselves.”
“We can’t disband the band,” Calder said. “Where would the coyotes go? No, we have to find an alpha, and I don’t know who can take that role if Josiah doesn’t want it.”
Julian rubbed his forehead. He had a slight headache, and he knew it wouldn’t get better until he rested. He wasn’t used to being so mentally active, and he needed some time to get used to it, but instead, he’d gone ahead full steam, and he was right in the middle of things now. “I’ll talk to him,” he said. “I don’t know how much good that will do, but I’ll try. It won’t be easy.”
“As long as we try. Luther didn’t give us a deadline, but he’s going to want to know what’s going on eventually. You heard him.”
Julian had, and he knew they were lucky as it was. Other people would have demanded a name right away, or they would have tried to take things in hand even though they didn’t know anything about shifters or how the forest worked. Instead, Luther was giving them space to do their thing, but they had to give him results. That was going to be almost impossible with Josiah so angry with the band.
Thomas rose from the chair. “Calder and I are going to head out.”
Julian got to his feet, too. “I’ll walk you to the door.”
“Stay here,” Thomas said with a smile. “We know the way, and that you’re exhausted. How is it going with the council?”
Julian grimaced. He would rather not talk about it when he wasn’t there, but Thomas was technically his alpha. “It’s complicated. There are a lot of things to remember. And it feels like my brain is too small for all of it.”
Thomas laughed. “You’ll manage. If Calder did, so can you.”
“Hey,” Calder protested. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Thomas shook his head and headed to the door. “Nothing.”
“That didn’t sound like nothing,” Calder said.
Julian listened to them as they bickered on their way to the front door. Their voices became softer as they moved away, and he turned toward Kaspar, who was still sitting in his chair.
Kaspar opened his arms, and Julian slipped into them, settling on his lap. He kept one foot on the floor, just in case he was too heavy.
“How are you feeling?” Kaspar asked. He raked his fingers through the hair on the back of Julian’s neck, and Julian sighed in relief and happiness. He pressed his face against Kaspar’s neck and closed his eyes, enjoying the moment. “I’ve felt better. I’ve also felt worse, though, so I guess that’s a good thing.”
“You don’t have to go back to work today?”
“I should probably go over some files, but it can wait.” Julian doubted he would be able to keep his eyes open as it was anyway.
He was tired, but he wanted some time with Kaspar even more.
Kaspar chuckled. “Why don’t we go to your bedroom? We can get into bed and cuddle and talk about whatever you want.”
Julian sighed. “You’re too good to me.”
“That’s not true. Nothing is too good for you. You deserve all of this, and so much more.”
And for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, Julian actually believed it.
* * * *
Kaspar could tell this was weighing heavily on Julian’s mind, so he guided him to his bedroom. He knew they’d been spending a lot of time there recently and that they had isolated themselves from the rest of the carriers, but he felt that Julian needed some time alone.
Even though he’d been living with the carriers for a while, Julian still wasn’t used to the number of people he now had to deal with every day. He’d gone from only having his son in his life to having a wider group of people, to having pretty much the entire council building. That couldn’t be easy, and it showed in how tired Julian looked.
“I should probably say hello to everyone,” Julian mumbled to him as they made their way upstairs.
“They understand. We can come down for dinner and eat with everyone after you rest.”
“I don’t think Josiah will be up for cooking. Maybe I can put something together.”
“Or maybe someone else can do it. You’re not the cook, Julian. I know you like
to take care of people, but right now, you have to take care of yourself.” Or let Kaspar do it. He was more than happy to.
Julian’s shoulders slumped. “You’re right.”
“Am I?” Kaspar teased him.
“I am tired, and someone else can cook. I worry about them, though, and about you.”
“You don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine, and I’m staying with you.”
They walked into Julian’s bedroom, and Kaspar closed the door. By the time it was locked, Julian was already sitting on the bed, but he wasn’t doing anything, so Kaspar knelt next to him and took his shoes off.
“You don’t have to do that,” Julian murmured.
“I know. I’m doing it because I want to. I want to take care of you. You deserve it.”
“I don’t know. I didn’t do anything for Josiah, and I want to help him so much. I just don’t know how.”
“His situation is difficult. There’s no one else who can become the next alpha, but he doesn’t want to, and it’s understandable. I think you should give him some time to wrap his mind around it. Even though he already knew when you arrived, he needs some time. I don’t know if he’ll ever accept, but I’m pretty sure he will listen to you if you try talking to him in a few days. You can explain why you think it’s a good idea, and we’ll see what happens then.”
Julian rubbed his face. “When did you get so smart?”
There was a hint of teasing in his voice, and Kaspar relaxed. “When I got with you. I have to be smart to keep up with you.”
Julian shook his head. “You’ve always been smart.”
Kaspar surged forward and pressed their lips together. Some days, it still felt like a miracle. Kaspar had never expected Julian to want him as much as he wanted Julian, yet here they were.
Kaspar pushed gently until Julian flopped onto his back. Julian wrapped his arms around Kaspar’s neck, and they continued kissing, even though the position was slightly uncomfortable.
“We should probably get under the blankets,” Kaspar murmured.
In Spite of Everything Page 7