“I’m all for that.” Julian hesitated. “I know we’ve only kissed since we got together.”
“And it’s perfect.” Kaspar wouldn’t care even if that was the only thing they did for the rest of their lives. As long as he had Julian in his life, he could make do with kissing and touching over clothes. He never wanted to push Julian, especially after what had happened to him.
Kaspar had no experience dealing with people who’d been traumatized. He’d seen it in several of the carriers, but he wasn’t their boyfriend. He didn’t want to hurt Julian in any way. He was terrified he would if he asked for more than kissing, though.
Julian bit his lower lip, and the gesture made him look younger. “I know. And I like kissing you, too. But I want more.”
Kaspar froze. Those were the last words he’d expected to hear from Julian’s mouth. “More?”
“I know I have exactly zero experience making love. The only time I, well, you know, I was forced.”
Kaspar sat up. He hadn’t thought about it that way, but now, he was. “You’re a virgin.”
Julian sat up, too, and crossed his legs. “I’m not. I have a son.”
“But you’re a virgin. That time doesn’t count because, like you said, you were forced. You were raped. That means you’ve never made love.”
Julian hesitated, then nodded. “I guess that’s right. I’ve never made love. I’ve never had someone love me and want me that way.” He swallowed and looked away. “But I know you do.”
“You’re right.” Kaspar wouldn’t lie to him. “But me wanting you doesn’t mean you have to do anything. I’ll be more than happy to continue kissing you, even if we never do anything different.”
Julian’s fingers twined into the bottom of his t-shirt, and he rubbed the fabric with his fingertips. “What if I want more?”
“Then we can work up to it.”
“What if I don’t want to work up to it?” Julian looked at Kaspar. “I’ve had time to think about this. I never thought I would have a boyfriend and I would want to have sex with him, but I do. It’s been almost twenty-six years since I was raped. I think I can do this.”
Kaspar wanted to, but he was terrified he would hurt Julian. “Maybe you could, you know, fuck me?”
Julian wrinkled his nose, and it was adorable. “I want to do things the other way around. I can’t get pregnant. We wouldn’t have to ask anyone for condoms. I don’t think I can survive the embarrassment. I almost died when Kari gave me a bottle of lube the other day.”
Kaspar laughed. He was unsure whether or not Kari liked him, but he loved the guy right now. “So you have lube, but no condoms. We could do something else. There’s no need to have penetrative sex.”
Julian’s expression twisted into a fierce determination. “I want you to fuck me. Please. It’s been so long since I started thinking about it. In the past twenty-six years, I’ve often wondered what it would feel like to have someone I love and who loves me do that to me. I’ve had endless days to think about it, and I want it to be with you. It’s important to me. And like I said, I can’t get pregnant, so that won’t be a problem.”
“I want it as much as you do, but I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t hurt me. I promise. It’s been twenty-six years, Kaspar. It was a lifetime ago, and I swear I’ll tell you if you do anything that hurts or makes me uncomfortable.”
How was Kaspar supposed to say no to that? Julian was convinced and he was an adult. Kaspar wasn’t about to try to change his mind, not when it was obvious that he’d already made it up. “All right. Why don’t you get a shower? I’ll be here when you come out.”
Julian smiled. He jumped off the bed, and Kaspar laughed when he stumbled on one of his shoes.
They were doing this. Kaspar was nervous, but he was also looking forward to it.
He looked around the room. First, he had a few things to do.
* * * *
Julian was nervous. He’d always known he’d be nervous the first time he had sex, even though he hadn’t expected it to happen. He’d thought no one would want to have sex with him, not after what he’d been through. Yet here he was, with Kaspar waiting in the other room. They were about to have sex, and Julian had no idea what would happen.
He did know he would be cherished, though. More than most people, Kaspar could understand what had happened to Julian, and he would be careful. That was one of the reasons Julian wanted to do this with him.
The other reason was that he was in love with Kaspar.
The feeling had snuck up on him, and he hadn’t fought it. He didn’t want to. He might not have expected to feel like this about anyone, but he did, and he wasn’t about to deny himself this. He didn’t want to.
He looked at himself in the mirror and took a deep breath. He’d showered, and he’d taken extra care cleaning himself. He didn’t know what Kaspar had in mind, but he wanted to be prepared.
He’d never felt less like he was, though. Of course, he doubted he’d ever feel entirely ready for this. He just had to take a deep breath—another one, then another one—and go out there, see what happened. Kaspar wouldn’t force him into anything he didn’t want and knowing that helped. Wanting Kaspar to fuck him also did.
But Julian was still hesitant.
He hadn’t seen his naked body in more than two decades. He’d been avoiding his reflection since he’d arrived at Bishop House, but he couldn’t anymore.
He was thin, thinner than he’d been when he was seventeen. He had stretch marks. His stomach was a little paunchy, and he knew he would never look like he had when he was seventeen again. He didn’t want to, either. His body was proof that he’d survived. He’d gone through rape, a pregnancy, and a birth. He’d lived on his own, growing his food and not having electricity or running water, for more than twenty years. His body bore the marks, and it always would.
He hoped Kaspar wouldn’t hate them. If he did, well, Julian would know what to do. He prayed he wouldn’t have to, though. He hadn’t expected this relationship, but he didn’t want to lose it.
Wasting time in the bathroom wasn’t helping. Julian had to take the next step, so he closed his eyes, turned toward the door, and reached for it. His hand hit the wood, and he had to open his eyes to find the handle. He chuckled at himself. He was ridiculous, wasn’t he? Whatever happened out there, he was at peace with himself. He’d lived through hell. He could withstand Kaspar not liking him the way he did, even though it would hurt.
He grabbed the handle and opened the door.
He blinked as he stepped into the bedroom. When he’d left it, it had been brightly illuminated and normal. Now, it was anything but.
Kaspar had drawn the curtains, and the lights were off. It was dimly lit, even with the rays of sunshine peeking from around the curtains. Kaspar had also found candles, and he’d placed them on the dresser. The bedsheets were drawn down, and Kaspar had even found the bottle of lube Kari had given Julian a few days ago. It was on the nightstand now, and Julian’s cheeks heated at the thought of what he and Kaspar were about to do.
Kaspar was there, too. His hair was damp, and Julian suspected he’d showered in the bathroom he shared with his roommates. He was only wearing soft-looking pajama pants, and he was sitting on the edge of the mattress, his fingers linked, his knee bouncing as he waited. He jerked when he heard the bathroom door, and Julian smiled at him.
God, he loved Kaspar so much. He would have to tell him soon, but right now, he didn’t want to break the moment. He wasn’t sure how Kaspar would react to the words, and he needed to be sure first.
Kaspar’s gaze raked over Julian’s body. Julian hadn’t taken clean clothes with him in the bathroom, so he was only wearing a towel around his waist. He had to resist the urge to cover himself, and he swallowed, waiting for whatever happened next.
Kaspar rose to his feet. He reached for Julian but stopped before touching him. “You’re beautiful,” he breathed, and at that moment,
Julian believed him.
It didn’t matter that he was old and that he would never have another child, that he had stretch marks and that his brown hair was turning gray. Kaspar thought he was beautiful, and it made Julian feel like he really was.
He swallowed. “You are, too.”
Kaspar’s cheeks and upper chest flushed. He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away. “I don’t know about that.”
Julian knew they could go one like this for a while. They both thought the other was gorgeous, but they didn’t believe it of themselves, and that was okay. They’d get over it eventually, or maybe not. He had a hard time understanding how Kaspar didn’t see himself as gorgeous, though. Julian wanted to count every single one of the freckles on Kaspar’s face. He wanted to dig his fingers into Kaspar’s thick auburn hair. He wanted to run his hands over Kaspar’s wide shoulders.
Julian stepped closer to the bed—and to Kaspar. He reached for Kaspar, and Kaspar visibly relaxed, his shoulders going slack. He smiled, and it was easier for Julian to forget how self-conscious he was. Kaspar wasn’t lying when he said he thought Julian was beautiful, and Julian believed him.
They kissed.
They were used to this. It was familiar by now, and it helped Julian relax even more, to the point that he barely realized it when Kaspar reached between them and unhooked the towel.
“Still sure about this?” Kaspar asked.
“Yes.” Julian had never felt loved like this, and he didn’t want it to end. He wanted to see this through and finally feel complete, like he wasn’t missing a huge part of the life he should have had but had lost.
Kaspar gently guided Julian toward the bed. He didn’t stop kissing him, and it was distracting, which Julian suspected was the point. Kaspar didn’t want him to worry, but Julian wasn’t, not beyond what would be normal for a couple’s first time.
He’d had twenty-five years to deal with what his alpha had done to him. It hadn’t been easy, and he didn’t think he ever would be completely over it, but he was ready to leave it in the past, especially with Kaspar being his future.
Julian allowed Kaspar to lower him to the mattress. Kaspar didn’t come with him, though. Instead, he stood over him and hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his pants.
Julian held his breath. He already knew he would love however Kaspar looked under his clothes. He didn’t even care much, as long as Kaspar got on the bed with him. He loved Kaspar’s heart and his mind, although he couldn’t deny that Kaspar’s body was a nice plus.
The pants slid down Kaspar’s thighs. Julian licked his lips.
Kaspar’s cock was already hard, and Julian couldn’t help but stare. It curved slightly to the side, the tip a flushed pink. There was dark hair at its root, and hair also covered Kaspar’s thighs and part of his stomach and chest.
He was perfect, and Julian needed him to come closer.
He opened his arms, relieved when Kaspar came. He crawled onto the bed, hovering above Julian as if he were afraid to hurt him if he laid on top of him. Julian wanted none of that, though. He grabbed the lube from the nightstand before he got too distracted and offered it to Kaspar, who looked at it like it was the first time he’d seen lube.
Julian couldn’t help it—he laughed. “You can touch me. I won’t break.”
“I know. I’m just afraid to hurt you.”
“I promise I’ll tell you if you do.” Julian raised himself on his elbows and kissed Kaspar’s shoulder. “Please?”
That did it. Kaspar hesitated one more second, then he lowered himself next to Julian and grabbed the lube. He also kissed Julian, and Julian kissed him back, hooking an arm around his neck and pulling him close. He wanted Kaspar on top of him, but he knew that would come soon enough.
Kaspar was gentle and slow as he prepared Julian to take him. Julian had to school his breathing a few times because of the memories, but they were fairly easy to ignore once he focused on Kaspar. He was the one who was touching Julian, and he was doing it with a reverence and care that made Julian want to weep. He didn’t, but it was a close thing.
Kaspar didn’t ask Julian if what he was doing was okay, but Julian knew he kept an eye on him and that he would have stopped if Julian had given him any indication that he wasn’t okay.
But Julian was, up to the point that Kaspar surprised him by grabbing his hips and pulling him on top of him.
Julian pushed away from Kaspar. “What are you doing?”
“I thought this would be easier for you. You won’t feel boxed in, and you can set the pace and do what you feel up to.”
Julian swallowed. When he’d imagined this, he hadn’t thought he would be on top. “But you’re still—I’m still—”
“We can change that, but I prepped you, so yes. You can sit on me.”
“I’ve never done this.”
Kaspar’s smile was soft. “I know, and I’m looking forward to it. I want you to enjoy this, and I can see you’re nervous. Maybe this will help you.”
Julian doubted it, but he still sat on Kaspar’s thighs. He looked down at him, wondering what was next. His stomach churned, but he couldn’t deny he felt good knowing he was the one in charge. He wrapped his fingers around Kaspar’s cock, smiled when Kaspar’s hands landed on his hips, and he moaned and rose above Kaspar’s cock.
It was tight and painful. It would have been too easy to allow the moment to pull him into the past, so Julian kept his eyes open and focused on Kaspar. Kaspar never moved to force him up or down or into a different position. He patiently waited until his cock was entirely inside Julian, then he gently pushed his hips up.
It was so entirely different from the time Julian had gotten pregnant with Kari. There was love in this, something he wouldn’t have believed until recently. It still hurt a bit, but Julian’s body was getting used to it, and once he started moving, it welcomed Kaspar inside him.
They moved together. It took them a few attempts to find the right rhythm, and it left a smile on Julian’s lips.
He loved it. He loved Kaspar, and Kaspar loved him.
There was tenderness and care in every single one of Kaspar’s movements, and Julian let it push him to orgasm. It had been a lifetime since he’d felt this much pleasure, and it was the first time he’d felt it with someone else. He screwed his eyes shut when he came, and he was relieved to find that he stayed in the present. It was easier not to forget that it was Kaspar moving inside him now, and Julian smiled when Kaspar’s rhythm faltered. His cock pulsed inside Julian, telling Julian that he’d come, too.
Julian opened his eyes. Kaspar was staring at him, a frown on his face, and Julian smoothed his fingertips on Kaspar’s forehead. “I’m fine,” he said, his voice a croak.
Kaspar finally smiled. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Julian hadn’t felt this good in a long time, and he hoped it would never end.
Chapter Six
Julian still hadn’t spoken to Josiah, and it was time to do so. Whatever Josiah’s answer would be, they needed to know so they could prepare. If Josiah refused to be the next alpha, Julian and the council would need to find someone else to take his place. As it was, Jacqueline was already making noises that her son would be the perfect alpha for the coyote band. If Julian had anything to say about it, he would never let either of them anywhere close to the alpha position, but he didn’t have a say.
This was new territory for the council. They didn’t usually select alphas, which meant that Jacqueline, being a coyote shifter, had more weight than they did in the decision. If Josiah didn’t step up, it was entirely possible that they could find themselves in the hands of Jacqueline and her son, and Julian couldn’t think of anything worse than that.
He knocked on Josiah’s door and waited for him to answer. He knew Josiah was inside. He’d barely left his bedroom since the meeting with Thomas and Calder, and Julian hadn’t pushed. He’d given Josiah a few days to think about it, even though he doubted it would chang
e anything. They needed an answer, though. Luther hadn’t asked again, but he would eventually, and Julian knew it would happen sooner rather than later.
He knocked again. “I’m not going anywhere until you open up,” he said.
There was a moment of silence, then something moved inside the bedroom, and the door opened. Josiah glared at him. “What do you want?”
“To talk to you.”
“I already told you I don’t want to be the band’s alpha. I never want to go back there.”
It wasn’t anything Julian hadn’t expected, but he’d come prepared. “Can we at least talk about why we want you as the next alpha?”
Josiah frowned. “It’s because there’s no one else.”
“Actually, Jacqueline volunteered her son.”
Josiah reared back. “Her son? He’s as bad as she is. If you choose him, the band might as well die. That’s what’s going to happen. They’re both just like my father and my brother. That’s why my father chose her as the band’s council member.”
“We know. But no one else has stepped up, and since you, the rightful alpha, don’t want the job, there’s nothing we can do.”
Josiah sighed heavily and opened the door wider. “Fine. Come in.”
It was a step forward. A small one, but still.
Julian walked into the bedroom. There was a chair at the desk, and he chose to sit there while Josiah crawled onto the unmade bed. He wrapped the blanket around his body and stared at Julian from his nest of fabric. Julian didn’t care. If that was what made Josiah feel better and safe, it was fine with him.
He swallowed. He didn’t like this. He hated feeling like he was pushing Josiah to do something he didn’t want and that would make him unhappy, but there really was no other way out of it. “Are you ready to listen to me?” he asked to be sure.
Josiah shrugged. “I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to listen to anything that has to do with the band, but I don’t have a choice. Go ahead.”
Julian wanted to tell him he did have a choice, but they both knew it would be a lie. “We talked. I mean, the council members on our side, the ones who passed the carriers laws. Having you as the next coyote alpha would help on several fronts. For one, you are your father’s son and your brother’s brother. It means that the coyotes would probably be fairly easy to convince you’re the right choice since you share the same blood. The alpha position usually stays in a family, and that would be the case here.”
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