The Supervillainy Saga (Book 4): The Science of Supervillainy

by Phipps, C. T.

  His organization, the House of Serpents, had done a lot of damage in its war against the Foundation for World Harmony’s troops, but the public had treated it as one gigantic sports match. In the end, after the House of Serpents crumbled, General Venom converted to Islam and ended up trying to bring peace to the Middle East and other war-torn countries. I’d never been entirely comfortable with the guy and always wondered why Gabrielle had tried to give him an out. Still, I supposed I hoped he’d found some sort of peace.

  “Well, if you’re going to take down Merciful, then I’m in,” Clarissa said. “So is my husband John.”

  “John?” I asked.

  “John Midnight,” Clarissa said. “A resurrected and ensouled Bloodscream the Retributive.”

  Oh yeah, I remembered him coming back from the dead right before I’d been imprisoned in Undertown. It seemed the revolving door of death only applied to supervillains and ex-supervillains. It never seemed to apply to the noble like Ultragod or the millions of people President Omega killed. I didn’t want to think about that, though, so I made a glib remark. “I was resurrecting loved ones as vampires and giving them their souls back before it was cool.”

  Mandy gave me a sideways glance.

  “Which means you were doing it first!” I said, backtracking. “He’s totes ripping you off!”

  Mandy sighed. “Whatever.”

  Ouch. Suppressing her violently murderous urges was probably a lot more difficult than it usually was if she wasn’t in a joking mood.

  “We also have Diabloman, Mister Inventor, Red Riding Hood, and . . . others,” Amanda said, perhaps only then realizing we didn’t have anyone else. “So, that’s something.”

  “Not unless you intend to make a legion of vampires under your control,” Clarissa said. “Which is possible, I suppose.”

  “No, it’s not,” Mandy said. “That’s the one line I won’t cross.”

  “Line-crossing is bad when you’re trying to control a horror hunger.” I wracked my brain trying figure out how I was going to convince hundreds of supervillains to work together against the First Citizen. Tom Terror had managed it only by unleashing them against his enemies while working another angle. “Despite the stirring beginnings of our force of six or seven people, we need more bodies on the ground. Taking out this power plant and recovering Gabrielle will do a lot to weaken Other Gary, though. It might also allow me to steal all the life energy he’s stolen and will him out of existence.”

  “Really?” Clarissa said.

  “Fuck if I know,” I admitted. “I’ve literally learned more magic by accident than trying to understand its principles. I’ve got the unlearn part down but have almost zero luck with the actual physics.”

  “Way to fill her up with confidence about our chances, Gary,” Amanda said.

  “Who is the leader here?” Mandy asked. “We need to speak with them.”

  Clarissa looked uncomfortable before answering. “Uh, it’s . . . Selena. Selena Darkchilde. The Black Witch.”

  Mandy stared.

  I closed my eyes. “Of course it is.”

  “What’s wrong? Aren’t you two friends?” Amanda asked, looking between us.

  “Since when?” Mandy said, looking between us.

  “Eh,” I shrugged my shoulder. “She’s kind of my magical tutor.”

  “My ex-girlfriend is your instructor,” Mandy said, sounding appalled.

  You two hated each other. What could possibly have brought you to . . . oh.”

  “Yeah,” I said, sighing. “We only had one thing in common, and trying to save her was enough to put aside any differences we had.”

  Selena Darkchilde, a.k.a the Black Witch, was a sorceress possessed by the spirit of Hecate. Selena and I technically had the same supervillain story. The insidious Doctor Thule— and I refuse not to use the descriptor for him—had taken dozens of highly intelligent but emotionally unstable Falconcrest City university students before manipulating them to their breaking points. I hadn’t gone all the way, though, and never got superpowers like she had via magic. We’d known each other before Mandy, though, and I considered her a fundamentally good person gone wrong. She was also petty, vindictive, and extremely jealous. I did not know how she was going to react to Mandy’s soul being restored.

  “You think she believed Mandy would someday return to her?” Cloak asked.

  “No one likes setting their exes free,” I mentally replied. “It’s why the Supremes sang about it.”

  “I actually got that reference,” Cloak said. “How do you think Mandy will react?”

  I honestly had no idea. “Let’s get going, Clarissa. Time is wasting, and every second is another second Gabrielle remains imprisoned.”

  “All right,” Clarissa said, walking forward. “Let’s go.”

  I looked over to Mandy, who looked conflicted. “Are you OK?”

  Mandy looked up at me, her eyes having turned red. “No, Gary, no I’m not.”

  I put my arms around her and led her down the halls. “It’ll be OK.”

  Amanda walked beside us. “How bad could it be?”

  “I’m not in control of my emotions, so I might murder everyone here,” Mandy said.

  “Yeah, let’s not do that,” I said. “At least until we need to make a really dramatic statement about how much of a badass you are.”

  Though in a fight between me, Mandy, Amanda, and an army of ten thousand versus Selena, I put my money on Selena. The trek through Club Inferno left me feeling that things were worse than I’d expected with the supervillain business. I passed stands where people were selling advanced weapons, magical items, and loot, but the pickings were far worse than I remembered.

  Also, the clubgoers weren’t just losers from other cities trying to make it in Falconcrest City’s power vacuum, but a lot of mid-listers plus a few of the less smart big boys. There was Ax-Crook, Brain-in-a-Jar, the Cyberpunk, Jigsaw Jones, B-Movie Slasher, Sexy Jester, Ant-Girl and Bee Queen, Gay Pierre, Murder Hobo, Domo Origato, and her husband Mister Roboto plus a few others I recognized.

  The club scene was also a good deal more depressing as well, since plenty of these supervillains were lined up at the expansive bar, getting plastered. They looked like they’d been doing it every night for months. Others weren’t bothering with mere alcohol and I saw a den of supervillains completely out on Red Dust. There were methods to clean up people in less than twenty-four hours, but this was a damned depressing sight. About the only part that wasn’t was the Gladiator Pits, where at least some were enjoying beating the hell out of each other with their powers. The Gladiator Pits were enspelled so the combatants couldn’t kill each other, mostly out of a need to make sure supervillains didn’t decrease the amount of evil in the world with their infighting. But the pits still were as violent as ever.

  “This isn’t just a haven for the villains of Falconcrest City anymore, is it?” I asked Clarissa.

  Clarissa shook her head. “No, Club Inferno has opened gateways across the United States and beyond. This is a haven for all supervillains on Earth now. It’s a profession that’s rapidly dying out.”

  “Oh, the shame,” Amanda said.

  Clarissa shrugged. “They now work for the First Citizen, beating up protestors and killing people in foreign countries for outrageous amounts of money. Going straight doesn’t mean they’ve gone good.”

  There wasn’t much to say to that. We arrived at a secluded alcove overlooking the Gladiator Pits, where Black Witch was lying on a black leather couch with a couple of guests. Selena looked like a million bucks in a set of fishnets, a female magician’s top, and a witch’s hat. If Angelina Jolie and Eva Green had a science baby, she would probably grow up to be half as hot as Selena Darkchilde. The Red Schoolgirl, who was now more the Red School Mistress, was wearing an adult version of a school uniform while leaning against her on one of the couches. Guarding the door was a living stone statue of a politician from before my imprisonment that I vaguely recognized as the professi
onal henchman Rockman Obama.

  He smiled at me. “Welcome to the Lady’s alcove. Don’t try anything. I might get mad.”

  Mandy locked eyes with Selena.

  Then Selena rushed out to embrace her.

  “OK,” I muttered. “This is nice.”

  Selena kissed Mandy on both cheeks, then the lips before shocking me by hugging me. “I’m glad you’re all right too, Gary.”

  I held my hands out completely straight to avoid groping her in even the slightest way. That the back of her outfit was just a corset made that difficult.

  Selena pulled back. “How can I help you?’

  Wow, that was easy.

  Chapter Sixteen

  WHERE I TRY TO SELL THE BLACK WITCH ON MY NOT-PLAN

  It turned out I was completely wrong. It proved to be extremely difficult to persuade Selena.

  “I’m here to recruit all the supervillains for my secret society . . . “ I trailed off, trying to think of a way to spruce up my presentation. “S.P.I.D.E.R.”

  “Spider?” Selena asked, walking over to sit down beside the Red Schoolgirl.

  “It’s an acronym,” I said, taking a seat on the couch as the others joined me. “The Special Political Intelligence Something-Something Revenge.”

  “Why not just call it Spider and not worry about the acronym?” Selena asked.

  “Because if I’m going to have a secret organization, it’s going to damn well have an acronym,” I said. “It’s like calling Blofeld’s organization Octopus because cephalopods are on all their rings and logos.”

  “Octopus would be a pretty decent name for a supervillain organization,” the Red Schoolgirl said. “Plus, they’re delicious.”

  “Fine, S.P.I.D.E.R is Spider. Except, it should be Spy-der with a Y and a hyphen. Because it sounds cooler.”

  “It sounds the same.” Mandy looked at me sideways. “Also, bad spelling is cool?”

  “Yes,” I hissed. “Yes, it is.”

  Selena felt her face. “Gary, you can’t form a secret society. That’s reserved for archvillains only.”

  “I’m an archvillain!” I said, offended. “I’m really, really dangerous!”

  Selena raised an eyebrow. “Gary, I’d leave you alone with small children.”

  “What, I’m not threatening because I believe in good childcare?”

  “If that’s the case, then Cindy should be the greatest archvillain of them all,” Mandy muttered.

  “I’m saying you’re a mid-tier villain at best, Gary.” Selena sighed. “You should be out robbing banks and jewelry stores, not trying to take over the world.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “I’ve killed superheroes! I mean, yes, mostly the Extreme repeatedly, but they still count!”

  “You’re here with a superhero,” Selena said.

  I looked at Amanda. “That’s actually the Imposter. I’ve cleverly locked up the real Nightwoman in an elaborate deathtrap back at my underground base, which is real, and replaced her. Say something villainous, Imposter.”

  “No,” Amanda said, sipping her martini. “This is stupid.”

  “See! Bad attitude!” I said. “She’s a supervillain through and through.”

  Selena continued giving me a skeptical look. “Do you even have any henchmen anymore?”

  I paused. “Yes, yes, I do. Thousands. You don’t know them. They live in Canada.”

  “I think we’re done,” Selena said.

  “We know how to cripple Merciful’s organization completely in one blow,” Mandy said, simply. “Gary has located the source of Merciful’s power and has learned how to kill him forever. He’s the Chosen of Death, remember, and is probably the only person on Earth who can kill the Chosen of Life. He also brought me back to life and if you have any remaining feelings—”

  Selena sighed and raised her hand. “You don’t have to play that card, Amy.”

  “Amy?” I asked.

  Mandy looked at me. “Mandy is short for Amanda.”

  “No, she’s Amanda,” I pointed at Amanda. “You have the same name!?”

  Mandy stared at me.

  “Not funny?” I said.

  “No,” Mandy said. “We’re trying to be taken seriously here, Gary.”

  “Well, that’s doomed to failure,” I said, sighing. “Listen, Selena, I rescued the city from Zul-Barbas and the Brotherhood of Infamy. I escaped from the moon prison and killed a Nephilim doing it. I smacked around Tom Terror—”

  “He’s here, you know,” Selena said.

  “Gah, where!?” I shouted, looking over my shoulder.

  Each woman at the table stared at me in contempt. I’d fallen for the third oldest trick in the book.

  “Goddammit.” I winced. “I am the only person on Earth who can take down Other Gary for good. Don’t you want things to return to the way they were?”

  “Supervillains rampaging across the world while heroes are powerless to do anything but lock them up until they escape?” Selena said. “Not really. I’m doing a lot better than I ever was as the Crime Boss of Crime Bosses than I was as just another criminal. You forget, I wasn’t a supervillain by choice and tried to keep the worst of our kind in check. I didn’t make it a lifestyle like you did.”

  I closed my eyes. “So, I can’t convince you to join with me by appealing to your worse nature.”

  “No,” Selena said, standing up. “I’ll protect you while you’re in my club, Gary, but taking down—”

  “He’s holding Gabrielle prisoner and this is all an elaborate ruse to rescue her,” I said. “I mean, yes, we’ll screw over Other Gary in the process, but it’s all about her. He’s using her as a kind of battery.”

  Selena paused in mid-step. “Goddesses.”

  Mandy smiled. “Funny, how we only seem to gain any traction when we do the right thing.”

  “I will help rescue Gabrielle,” the Red Schoolgirl said. “I owe her my life many times over.”

  “I do too,” Clarissa said. “Because of Other Gary, there’s no reformation for criminals anymore. We’re treated like vermin, fit for slave labor or to be killed. It was bad before, but it’s gotten worse. I tried to atone for my sins, but I’m back here thanks to her disappearance.”

  “Tell me where she is and I’ll rescue her,” Selena said.

  “Uh-uh,” I said, shaking my head. “This is not a one- or two-person job. This is an actual army-army job. We need the people here to help take down his forces so I can get at the heart of them.”

  “You need them as expendable cannon fodder to get at Gabrielle,” Selena corrected.

  I shrugged. “Potato, potahto, only Dan Quayle really cares about the difference. Which is, wow, a dated political reference.”

  “Supervillains don’t work for free, Gary,” Selena said. “They don’t do missions out of the goodness of their heart and especially not for a man who unironically has said ‘Anarchy in the UK’ is his jam.”

  “Hey, it is!” I said. “I’m an anarchist socialist out to take over the world and be richer than God.”

  “I don’t think that’s how it works,” Mandy said, staring at me.

  I gave a dismissive wave. “Merciless is not bound by the petty ideological distinctions that lesser men abide by. I have transcended them.”

  “Gary—” Selena said.

  “Stole one point five billion dollars from the Brotherhood of Infamy,” Mandy said, not missing a beat. “That money is yours if you can get the army to fight with us.”

  Selena stared.

  “Well, half of it,” Mandy smiled. “We’re not stupid.”

  I paused. “Yes, we’re not stupid at all. Yeah.”

  “Smooth, Gary,” Cloak muttered.

  Amanda nodded along with Mandy’s outrageous lie. “Is that enough?”

  “Jesus, with that kind of money, why are you a supervillain?” Clarissa said, shaking her head.

  I gave her a deep penetrating stare. “Because I’m a bad, bad man.”

  Mandy looked directly at Se
lena. “Help us. You know Gary has an insane ability to kill people ridiculously stronger than him.”

  “Mandy—” Selena started to say.

  “I think Death wants to fuck him too,” Amanda said.

  Mandy glared at her.

  “She’s willing to look and act like you! Take it as a compliment!” Amanda said.

  “If anyone can kill Other Gary, it’s probably the guy who killed Ultragod,” Clarissa said. “Whichever Gary it was.”

  “I don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered by that remark, so I’ll go with both,” I said, suppressing my angry retort. I was horrified and disgusted that they’d think I’d ever hurt Gabrielle’s family.

  Selena sighed. “Listen, I can talk to everyone, but the simple fact is you don’t have a lot of respect around here. Any of you.”

  “It’s because I devoured half of Falconcrest City’s supervillains, isn’t it?” Mandy said.

  “You did what?” Selena said, her eyes widening.

  “Wow, we are really not covering ourselves in glory during this conversation,” I said. “I think she means most of the supervillains here think Merciful and I are the same person, as the Human Tank just demonstrated. Also, Mandy, you were a superhero before you became a vampire. Imposter here is impersonating Nightwoman—”

  “Let it go, Gary,” Amanda said. “Be like Elsa.”

  I tried to think of something funny to say, then decided to focus on the matter at hand. “So, I need to prove I’m a big enough badass to lead this army. Is that what you’re saying?”

  “Yes, exactly.” Selena sighed. “You and Mandy both.”

  “Well, one of those won’t be a problem,” Mandy said.

  “You mean you, don’t you?” I asked.

  “Yes,” Mandy said. “Other Gary is an existential threat to this world and the superheroes are on his side. He’s a corruptor and a fountain of lies who has already ruined this earth twice before. He must be stopped, by whatever means necessary. You owe it to Gabrielle to help, and despite what people say . . . I believe you are all good people.”

  “I do too,” Amanda said. “Except Gary. I genuinely think he is insane.”