The Supervillainy Saga (Book 4): The Science of Supervillainy

by Phipps, C. T.

  “Since Hanukah is a celebration of a military victory, that’s an entirely appropriate choice,” Cloak said, helping me with my mental reboot.

  “Don’t lecture me on my religion, Cloak,” I said, taking a deep breath before shaking the cobwebs from my brain. “How long has it been?”

  “In this hellish place, time has no meaning,” Cloak said. “But three hours have passed in the physical world.”

  “Great,” I said aloud, blinking. “Anything I should know?”

  That was when Mandy walked in. “We found Other Gary’s mole in Club Inferno’s regulars.”

  “Let me guess, the Stupidifier.”

  “No, the Polka Dot Zapper.”

  “And he seemed like such a trustworthy guy,” I deadpanned before deciding I wasn’t going to try to make any jokes for the next year.

  “I’ll believe it when I see it,” Cloak muttered.

  “What happened to him?” I asked.

  “Snitches get stitches,” Mandy said. “Traitors get tortured. What they’re doing to him is much worse.”

  “I bet Amanda loves that,” I muttered.

  “I think she’s become too hard to care,” Mandy said. “I’m sorry to see that. This lifestyle has stripped every bit of idealism from her. The woman who helped rescue this city from Zul-Barbas and his zombies is a very different woman from the woman plotting to assassinate Other Gary’s ruling council after we take him out.”

  “She was kidnapped by the Typewriter, her father sacrificed her mother to a Great Beast, she’s stuck with said father, her city was overrun by the undead before becoming a fascist state, and her boyfriend was murdered by Other Gary. Oh, and I keep calling her by the wrong codename,” I said. “Combine that with all the guilt she must be feeling for Undertown and I’m surprised she’s holding out as well as she is.”

  “The same could said for you,” Mandy said. “Or me or just about everyone else. Hell, it explains a lot about the Society of Superheroes. How many of them have seen the equivalent of decades of combat?”

  “The never-ending battle for truth, justice, and all of that stuff seems a lot less horrifying when it involves fancy costumes and codenames,” I muttered. “Probably why I never gave much thought to the fact that Optimus Prime was fighting a war for millions of years. Poor bastard could have used a memory wipe a few times.”

  “Your brain is still not quite right,” Mandy said, taking a seat beside me. “Though I suppose that can’t be blamed on the current situation.”

  I smiled. “I’m already wondering if I should search around for a memory-eraser pen so I can remove from my head all the terrible things I’ve seen and done. Being a supervillain was supposed to be about robbing banks and jewelry stores and making quips. It wasn’t supposed to be saving the world so there’s something left to rule. Plus, there’s what I did to you, Mandy, the person I love most in the world. I—”

  “Don’t,” Mandy said, reaching over and putting her hand on mine. “I don’t blame you for any of this.”

  “You should. I blame myself for all of this stuff.”

  If I’d never taken the Reaper’s Cloak and let Mandy take it, she would have been the new Nightwalker. She was the woman most qualified to be a superhero in the city and probably wouldn’t have died at the hands of the dragon. We could have stopped the Brotherhood of Infamy, stopped President Omega, and killed Other Gary before everything completely went to hell.

  “You can’t think like that,” Cloak said.

  “Watch me,” I mentally replied.

  Mandy, however, was making a joke about it. “I don’t even blame you for those paintings you made of everyone in front of a police lineup where I ended up looking like Kate Beckinsale instead of a Eurasian woman. I mean, don’t get me wrong; she’s gorgeous, but I look nothing like her.”

  “I admit that’s got all sorts of unfortunate implications.” I grimaced, remembering my attempts to create cover art for my autobiography volumes. “Gabrielle wasn’t happy about losing most of the brown from her face on that. That was just because I ran out of the right paint, though.”

  “Then buy some more,” Mandy said. “But I wanted to become a superhero every bit as much as you wanted to become a supervillain. I had that dream since I was a little girl, and my father did his best to drive it out of me. He wanted me to be a Foundation for World Harmony agent like him, which I desperately wanted to avoid because I considered it morally compromised and dirty.”

  I looked over at her with a sad expression. “Ouch.”

  Mandy gave a sad smile. “Did I ever tell you my story?”

  “Given that we’ve been married for almost a decade, yes,” I said. “I wouldn’t sacrifice any of those years, even the ones where we were prisoners.”

  “I would,” Mandy said, frowning. “If they were still spent with you. Well, my past relates to now.”

  “Why don’t you tell me the story again,” I said, holding her hand. “For old times’ sake.”

  “Like most military brats, I grew up abroad,” Mandy said. “But the difference between my family and more conventional ones was I lived right next to the embassy in a postage stamp nation called Londonium. My father was the Foundation for World Harmony representative there until he was promoted when I was eighteen.”

  “Yeah, that steampunk city-state on one of the islands no one gives a shit about around Britain. It was founded by the World Emperor in the 19th century. You know, the guy who inspired all those Captain Nemo and Robur the Conqueror sequels.”

  Mandy frowned. “I don’t think Londonium qualifies as a steampunk nation because it had a bunch of retro-future tech a hundred years ago.”

  “All I’m saying is goggles and overalls on women are awesome,” I said, putting my hand over my chest. “Also, those weird long coats and dueling swords. Tell me you had some growing up.”

  “One or two,” Mandy said. “My mother was a Duchess there.”

  “Your . . . Korean mother,” I said.

  Mandy shrugged. “It’s a bit more progressive there than in other countries. Besides, everyone had a title where I grew up. You couldn’t even open a shopping mall with a Lordship around there. Either way, it was a fun life and I loved it. Except when I was fifteen, I did something stupid.”

  “What, got knocked up?” I said.

  Mandy frowned.

  “Oh shit, really?” I said. “Why am I just hearing about this?”

  “Not exactly something I’m happy to talk about,” Mandy said. “We explored a lot of options, but in the end I felt pressured to carry the child to term. I felt violated not because of that, but because my parents took her and found her another home without my consent. It made me determined to get away from my family and forge my own way.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I mean that. I wish you’d confided in me earlier.”

  “It wasn’t exactly something I was eager to bring up,” Mandy said.

  Especially once we were married and I found out you were eager to be a father. I never wanted to go through an experience like that again.”

  “Well, as a vampire you’ll never have to!” I said, making a fist.

  Mandy stared.

  “God, I am awful,” I said. “Why haven’t you killed me and drunk my blood?”

  “It’s tempting,” Mandy said. “But it seems wrong for some reason. What with you being best friends with God and all.”

  “Death, not God,” I said. “Though I think they’re related.”

  Mandy cocked her head to one side. “Why does she look like me again?”

  “Because you’re the most beautiful woman in the world,” I said. “To me, at least.”

  Mandy narrowed her eyes.

  “Oh, and to everyone else too!” I said, quickly backpedaling. “Barring Guinevere and the Black Witch, but they cheat!”

  “Keep digging,” Mandy said, sighing. “The fact is, though, I tried to become an expert in Unusual Criminology at Falconcrest City University. My parents had talk
ed me into being a Foundation for World Harmony agent despite how much I’d resisted it. They argued that I didn’t have superpowers and it was a less heroic life than being one of the people who cleaned up after the Society of Superheroes. You know I ended up sabotaging that by dating the Black Witch. The thing is, though, it’s always been inside me.”

  “And now you’re a hero,” I said.

  “Am I?” Mandy asked. “I’ve killed more people than you, and that’s not a small number.”

  “Well, you’ve got a bit on me in time,” I said, trying to broach this delicately. “It’s OK, I like older women.”

  “I’m having your daughter remove those excess memories,” Mandy said. “I think it’s for the best I don’t remember a time that never existed. There’s only a few left anyway. I think they’re naturally fading away.”

  I was glad about that, though I didn’t want to admit it. “I always felt that was going to happen in Back to the Future. I mean, if his memories didn’t adjust, poor Marty was going to be stuck with a family of complete strangers who are identical to the losers he grew up with.”

  “I think we should make a rule that you’re not allowed to use sci-fi references when I’m sharing deeply personal stuff.”

  “No promises,” I said. “But I’ll try.”

  “How would you feel if I talked about Rambo when your brother died?”

  I paused. “I . . . wouldn’t like it?”

  “Exactly,” Mandy said. “But the simple fact is I want to be a hero, and I feel like I’ve failed. I feel like I’ve failed you, Gary. If I’d not let myself get killed or become a monster or stopped Other Gary from capturing us both, then we might have prevented all of this.”

  “You’re not God, Mandy,” I said. “With whom I often have serious issues due to his hands-off approach. You also are the reason I do anything to protect anyone. I wouldn’t care to stop First Citizen Jerkbag if not for the fact that I know you want to. You’ve saved the world a couple of times and whether you have fangs or not, you’ll always be the person I love most in this world.”

  Mandy reached over and embraced me.

  I embraced her back.

  Mandy whispered in my ear. “Because of Cindy, I get a free pass to sleep with Ryan Reynolds.”

  “That’s fair. I was thinking he could play me in the Merciless movie.”

  Mandy stifled laughter with both hands.

  “I should be insulted by that,” I said. “But it’s just accurate. I’m still a nine point five, though.”

  “Nine point five versus twenty,” Mandy said. “Which is still pretty damn good.”

  I smirked. “I’ll see about killing a unicorn and eating its horn to become fairy tale beautiful.”

  “And now it’s weird again,” Mandy said. “Why can’t you just reference Agent G spy movies like a normal person?”

  “Oh, my love,” I said, taking in her face. “It was always weird.”

  The door opened to reveal Mister Inventor—I was going to have to get used to calling him Galahad—with his new cybernetic arm. “Am I interrupting anything?”

  “Yes, we were just about to throw down and have passionate bloody sex,” I said.

  “Uh-huh,” Galahad said, missing that I was serious. “I wanted to let you know we’re about ready for Operation: Kingslayer.”

  “You a Game of Thrones fan?” I asked.

  “Who isn’t?” Galahad said. “The way that series ended? Amazing. I can’t wait for George Martin to finish the series.”

  “I’ll lend you my copies from the twenty-second century,” I said. “Other Gary knows about this attack. You realize this, right?”

  Galahad took a deep breath. “I’ve created a distraction for him by leaking the idea that we’re going after all of his crystal towers simultaneously—”

  “What is with all of those, anyway? Is crystal the new steel? What’s next, togas making a comeback?”

  Galahad ignored me. “But I expect the factory to be heavily guarded. A lot of people are going to die.”

  “It’s war,” Mandy said, standing up. “They’re also supervillains.”

  “That doesn’t make it right. And paid mercenaries or not, they’re going to risk their lives in the service of freeing this city from the First Citizen,” Galahad said. “I lost a lot of associates trying to evacuate my inventions from the Crystal Palace so your husband’s doppelgänger couldn’t get them. I won’t forget that, but I won’t let that blind me with vengeance either.”

  I stared at him. “You’re the real deal, aren’t you?”

  “Someone has to be,” Galahad said. “But honestly, I’m about as real a superhero as you are a supervillain—which you can take to mean whatever you want it to.”

  “How’s Cindy?” I asked, intending to visit before we began the attack.

  “She’s going to retire after this,” Galahad said. “I told her not to announce that or she was certain to die.”

  Mandy and I both smiled.

  “I’ll talk to her before we go,” I said. “You’re a good man, Mister Inventor.”

  “That and a dollar seventy-five will buy me a bag of chips,” Galahad said, leaving and shutting the door behind him.

  I paused, wondering if I was ready to go to war with Other Gary. I was really scared of him killing not just me but also those I cared about.

  “So, what do you want to do after we save the world and everything is awesome?” I said, trying to put on a brave face.

  “Be a hero,” Mandy said. “Help you take over the world. Drink lots and lots of blood while having lots of sex. The usual.”

  “So, no retirement for you, huh?” I asked.

  “Why would I ever want to retire?” Mandy said.

  I gave a half-smile. “Why would anyone?”

  Giving Mandy a short kiss, I walked out to join the rest of the supervillains. Outside, I could hear energy cannons firing against the side of the building, but because it was an extra-dimensional space, it was nothing more than a distant echo. All of Club Inferno’s supervillains were present and kitted out for battle, with a surprising number looking happier than they’d probably been in years.

  Gizmo and Kerri were gone, moved to someplace safe. Cindy was wearing an armored version of her Red Riding Hood outfit. It didn’t feel right to be here without Diabloman. I didn’t know if he was alive or dead, but that wasn’t going to stop me. Putting on my mask, I proceeded to address the troops.

  It was time to kick the First Citizen’s ass.

  Chapter Twenty

  WHERE EVERYTHING GOES TO HELL (AGAIN)

  Of course, the attack quickly turned into a complete disaster. Supervillains are completely uncontrollable, prone to self-interest, incapable of working as a group, and not particularly interested in avoiding friendly fire. When the Black Witch opened a portal over Merciful’s factory, we all ended up right in the middle of a horde of robot soldiers.

  Those, at least, didn’t do any good, because Mandy uploaded a massive computer virus that knocked out virtually all of them before we arrived. That was when the Darklight troopers, Extreme, and Exterminator robots all arrived. Oh, and a bunch of superheroes who were probably going to get themselves killed fighting an army I’d assembled. It was just a stroke of luck the Society of Superheroes was doing battle with a gigantic Chinese volcano monster at that time, or we would have been completely screwed.

  As is, we were just partially screwed.

  Still, I displayed the characteristic heroism necessary to lead my troops into battle. I had the Black Witch cast an illusion of myself around the Human Tank and had her blasting away enemies in the sky while I, Cindy, Mister Inventor, and Mandy moved through the crowd of supervillains. We were both intangible as well as invisible, making use of a light-bending device my daughter had made. I thought back to her giving it to me, doing my best to concentrate on the positive memories instead of the battle going on around me.

  “This is what I call The Thing I use to Steal Cookies,” Gizm
o said, handing me the plastic pink lantern covered in pony stickers.

  “Can we remove the stickers and get it in a color scheme other than hot pink?” I asked.

  “No,” Gizmo said. “No, we may not.”

  I smirked. “I wish I could take you with me.”

  “No, you don’t,” Gizmo said. “I’ll be fine. You need to survive, though.”

  I took a deep breath. “I’d like to be a father to you. I just have no idea how to be one.”

  “Do what your dad did,” Gizmo said. “You think he did a decent enough job.”

  “Disapprove of everything you do?” I asked. “Admittedly, I deserved it.”

  Gizmo smiled. “I think it’s enough to know you love me. Also, that you’re going to overthrow the world’s worst dictator.”

  “I’ll do my best.” I gave her a hug and prayed for the first time in a while, begging God to let me come back to her. I was then brought back to the present by Cindy’s voice.

  “This isn’t very heroic, Gary,” Cindy said, walking beside me as we passed the Ballerina kicking the crap out of Hardtop Harry.

  I raised my hand. “Supervillain. Us not being heroes is kind of the point.”

  “We’re using them as human shields,” Cindy said, looking over to the crushed skull of Butcher Pete. “Not cool. Not cool at all.”

  “You’ve been spending too much time around superheroes,” I said, shrugging. “Besides, not all of them are human.”

  “No honor among thieves, huh?” Cindy said, sounding disappointed.

  “Thieves? Yes,” I said. “Terrorists, murderers, and rapists? No.”

  Back when I was still a wannabe supervillain, I’d had a lot of misconceptions about what being one would be like. I’d gotten that from my brother’s gang, who weren’t exactly typical supervillains. The Nefarious Nine was a family who had my brother’s back, and they would never, ever betray one another.

  Or so I’d thought.

  During Mandy’s unfortunate period of being a soulless monster, I’d found out they’d routinely turned on each other for bigger scores or leniency from the police. One of them, Hothouse, had even given up my brother Keith’s secret identity to the police. Not to mention how they’d treated the Human Tank after she’d made her transition. Thugs with super-technology, it turned out, were still thugs.