Broken Notes

by Ann Marie Frohoff

  Everything after that mixed together with my adrenaline-induced tunnel vision, and I couldn’t understand the words anyone was saying. The cops parked outside of my house kept the passerby at bay. As I looked up when I pulled my car door open, a bearded, burly cameraman and newswoman came quickly towards me. I slammed my door shut, letting them know I wasn’t interested. The brunette with big green eyes and slender figure waved at me through the passenger side window, and I saw a cop stroll up to her. I knew her from the TV.

  She was on FOX news, always reporting on strange stories. I supposed this was up her ally. She smiled gloomily at me, trying to show me she had some compassion in her, even though she wanted to drill me about things. I started my car and shifted it into reverse, finally looking at her and shaking my head no and mouthing sorry.

  I was relieved to turn the corner out of my block, away from the frenzy of grieving fans. A few short minutes later, I pulled into the Shade Hotel’s valet parking area. They too, knew who I was. My car door was opened by someone I recognized but I didn’t know by name. He was the younger brother of a girl I went to high school with; she’d been on my freshman volleyball team. “Ms. Montgomery, Mr. Masters is waiting for you at the bar.”

  “Thanks.” I returned his smile and opened the door to my back seat, taking out my bag. “I knew your sister. Tell her I said hello.”

  His eyes lit up. “I will.”

  Shade was a small, if not tiny, boutique hotel, and the lobby was also the bar. Jake sat staring at the front door, and his eyes penetrated me as soon as I walked in. Like a shock of electricity, my heart lurched and I couldn’t touch him fast enough. He got up and paced quickly to my side, taking me into his arms, breathing me in. I held him as tight as I could.

  “I’m so sorry,” I croaked out. All the feelings of sorrow and empathy that were nonexistent earlier reared their heads, and I gushed with grief. I held on to Jake snugly, feeling that if I let him go he might expire, just like Dump.

  “Hey hey.” He held my face and kissed my tears. “Shhh. Stop. Come on. Let’s go to the room.”

  “I’m sorry,” I blubbered. “I don’t know what’s come over me. I didn’t feel sad at all earlier.” I finally looked up at him, getting a closer inspection, and noticed the dark circles framing his dimmed blue eyes. “Oh Jake.” I touched his face, and couldn’t come up with anything else worth saying. After all, what else was there to say?

  We walked slowly to the room, anchored together, with me tucked safely underneath his arm. Finally being wrapped in his scent and feeling the warmth of him was a reprieve from my angst-filled days without him. I shoved away Eva and the what-if thoughts that wracked my brain, and looked forward to my next visit with him in Miami, just a few short weeks away. What hit me next when we walked through his hotel room door was something I wasn’t expecting.

  Sienna was in the king-sized bed, asleep, beneath the covers. Her lips were pale, and a pain-etched crease was prominent between her eyes; for a moment I thought she might open her eyes, but she didn’t. Clothes were strewn about as if thrown in anger. An urn lay next to her head, placed caringly on the other pillow. My emotions erupted, spilling from from my eyes, and I clasped my hand over my mouth stifling a sob. I turned and left as quickly as I entered.

  My shock and reaction sent Jake into a whispering stammer as he followed me out the door. “I…I…She didn’t want to be alone. She was awake when I left to meet you. I…I’ll get another room. Shit.” His eyes pooled with moisture and he pulled me into his chest. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Oh my God! Is that Dump in that thing?” I gasped for air. “I feel like such an asshole. All I cared about was seeing you and being with you, and I shouldn’t be here. I should leave you guys alone to process all of this. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

  “Please don’t leave me. I need you.”

  ***

  At 11:30 AM the next morning, I sat in my car, around the corner from my house, watching cars I didn’t recognize creep by. No doubt they were going to drive by Dump’s makeshift memorial. The tribute blossomed into a sea of flowers and burning candles. Why did it have to be in front of Jake’s house? In turn, mine. I sighed in frustration and adjusted the rearview mirror to look at myself. Pulling off my shades, I wiped what little mascara residue remained from under my eyes and retied my hair on top of my head, thinking about my night with Jake.

  We left Sienna in Jake’s original hotel room. I didn’t see her at all while I was there. Jake went to check on her a couple of hours later, and she was still sleeping. He said she’d taken an Ambien. As soon as we settled in, he asked if I minded if he took one too. He explained how he’d not been sleeping well since the ordeal. What was I gonna say? I just shook my head to go ahead. What I didn’t realize is how quickly it would work. I’m not sure if Jake realized that either. We ordered room service, comfortably cuddled, and began making out.

  To my dismay, Jake stopped kissing me and practically threw me off of him. He sat up, rubbing his face, and shook his head, taking a drink of water. “Damn, this stuff works fast,” he’d mumbled, then laid his head back down on the pillow and pulled me back to him. As I was kissing his neck he fell asleep.

  He was out cold by 9 PM. I ended up eating dinner alone, watching him sleep fitfully. He’d tossed and turned, mumbling like he was arguing with someone. Just like Sienna, he wore a pained expression, and he twitched for most of the night. While I worried about Jake, I felt mostly guilt for lacking one hundred percent compassion. I did feel terrible for everyone, but something in me cried out – What about me! I’d fought my feelings of selfishness. What was wrong with me? These people’s lives had been turned upside down and all I cared about was where I fit in.

  I sighed heavily, shoving my sunglasses back onto my face and wondered how Marshall felt about it all. I wished he still lived down the street from me so I could show up on his doorstep, like old times. I sent a text to Marshall, hoping he could meet me. Bobby didn’t stay at the Shade like the rest of band. He stayed with Marshall, who had moved to West Hollywood.

  I looked at the time on my dashboard. It was now 12:15 PM, and the memorial was at 5PM. The service was to be at sunset, at the Manhattan Beach Pier. It was near the end of October a week before Halloween and weather had been mild, mainly on the warm side for fall in Los Angeles. Our cloudless sky and gentle tides would make for a beautiful backdrop to celebrate Dump’s life. My face twisted with sudden wretchedness, tears mixed with grief and guilt. I was full of confusion; hungry and hollow, feeling like Jake was a million miles away.

  My heart stopped when a figure approached my passenger side door. Through the blur of tears, it took me a moment to realize it was Notting looking at me. I reached back and grabbed a sweatshirt from my backseat, then dried the tears from my eyes and face, unlocking the door.

  “Alyssa, darling. Are you okay?”

  A tiny smile cracked my lips, and I shrugged. “I’ve been better,” I remarked ironically. “Thanks for asking. I’m just on my way home to get ready for the service, and didn’t really want to face any crowds or nosey media people, so I pulled over.”

  He slid into my passenger seat and shut the door. “Do you mind?”

  I shook my head no, but I wanted to say yes – I was just crying over your son.

  He continued with an easy smile cinched on his face. “I just passed you and turned around once I made it by the house. There are no paparazzi around, just a few fans. They must be down at the beach already. I saw NBC4 news truck just parking at the pier a bit ago.”

  I sighed, relieved. “Good.” I could feel Notting staring at me as I looked out my windshield, feeling even more awkward. “How are you?”

  “I’m great. Katie’s great.”

  I glanced at him, meeting his gentle eyes and my heart sprung into my throat. Why did he have to make it a point to be here, now? “Why are you here?”

  I didn’t expect those words to roll out of my mouth, but now I waited for his h
onest reply.

  He bowed his head thoughtfully. “I slowed to wave hello and saw you were crying. I…”

  “Is loving someone really this tough?” With that question, the tears just rolled from my eyes.

  “Oh love.” Notting reached over, grabbing my neck, giving it a little fatherly pat. “You’re so young, younger than Kate was.” He shook his head. “I hope this isn’t about another love triangle. Lord knows we don’t need those in our lives.”

  I sniffled. “Not that I know of.”

  “No, I’m about certain Jake’s made up his mind about you,” Notting said it with reverence. I curled my hand in my lap, hiding the ring as I wondered if Jake ever said anything about his marriage proposal to me. “He’s a special one, different. He’s never been like most boys, about the females, but then you know that.” He looked at me, taking his hand away. “I suppose he’s a lot like his old pop.”

  “It’s weird hearing you say that.”

  “I need to keep saying it.” He nodded slowly, looking straight out the window. He brushed his air away from his forehead, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I still don’t quite believe it myself. But I won’t lie, I rejoice.”

  There was a long silence between us as we sat and listened to the radio advertisements. The awkwardness had eased, and I wanted to know more. “So you and Kate are officially together? I know that you’ve tried to keep what ever it was under wraps ever since I’ve known you.”

  “I suppose we are, but things are still a little precarious, you see.” He sighed regretfully. “Katie has a tough time dealing with matters, and I’m not sure she’ll ever really be able to let go of Michael. Sometimes guilt binds us to the past. He died thinking Jake was his son. I’m not sure Kate can ever come to terms with that.”

  “But he was having an affair.” I blurted it out without wanting to. Oh shit! I felt dizzy and I wanted to sink into the earth.

  “Where did you hear that?” Notting immediately asked, looking gravely at me.

  I rested my head on the steering wheel. “Notting, I don’t know what I’m saying.”

  “Well then, what would make you say such a thing?”

  “Kids talk. One of my friends saw Michael one time, with a lady. I guess they were kissing or something. It’s all rumors from years ago.”

  When I twisted my head to look at him and our eyes locked, there was something that told me he knew it too. A quiet understanding passed between us that no more would be said about it, or maybe just not right then.

  This was some serious baggage floating between Notting and I. I had my own relationship issues, but part of the issue stemmed in him, the man sitting next to me. I loosely knew their story, and it was sordid. Infidelity was flying around like crows at a corpse. I changed the subject back to Kate. “How do you feel about Kate not letting go? I mean, are you just gonna wait forever? Is that what love is? You just wait for the love of your life to come around, while you suffer? Or just settle for something next best?”

  I wanted to know the answer so badly for myself. Notting’s jaw clenched tight. Shit, I shouldn’t have been so daring in my questioning. My palms began to moisten.

  “I have guilt, but I also love Katie. I’ve loved her ever since I set eyes on her. She had a choice, and she chose Michael, unknowingly pregnant by me,” he stated plainly.

  I couldn’t argue with that, but how could he put himself through it all? All those years of watching them together, raising Jake, now that he knew Jake was his? And possibly knowing that Jake’s father was indeed having an affair. I wondered if Kate knew too. My brain hurt.

  26

  Alyssa

  An official announcement had been made. Friends and family would be gathering at the north side of the Manhattan Beach Pier to remember Victor “Dump” De Luis. Kate had arranged for the pier to be closed to the public from 5 PM - 6 PM – they would close the gates, and only the band, the families, and close friends would be allowed on. There was anticipation that there would be quite a local crowd surrounding the base of the pier. Jake had contacted KROQ after he realized the unexpected fan bumrush at his house. Five fans would be selected to attend and speak at the memorial service – “What would you say to the world about Rita’s Revolt drummer, Dump Del Luis?”

  It was 4 PM, and Jake finally rang me. I’d been anxiously waiting, pacing my bedroom, not wanting to disturb him on this dreadful day. He wanted to go down to the beach before the service. I’d tried to forget my conversation with Notting, but it stirred my insides, and a pang of fear prickled up my spine. I really hoped Notting would just forget what I’d divulged.

  Wading through my troubling thoughts, I didn’t realize we were driving away from downtown. I watched and wondered where Jake was driving; it couldn’t be far. We parked on Highland Avenue, several blocks away, and walked undetected down the 16th Street ally toward the beach. We stood on The Strand. A crack team news truck was set up at the pier entrance.

  “Can you fuckin’ believe it?” Jake rasped. I could tell by the sound of his voice he was still exhausted. As I glanced up at him, I noticed the bags under his eyes had grown more pronounced. Maybe I just didn’t notice how bad they were to begin with; he was very pale. His beautiful blue eyes wore a gray haze, and fine red lines pulsed around the whites of his eyes.

  “Nothing surprises me anymore,” I replied, and squeezed his hand, leaning into his shoulder. “You’re on a whole other level.”

  He didn’t respond, and tugged me down the 16th Street stairs. As we trekked across the sea of sand to the water, it sorta felt like old times. Jake kept glancing over at me. I wanted to ask him – What? But I didn’t. I admired him, too, and prayed for some solitude with him before he left.

  “Hey. I’m really sorry about last night,” he said, almost bashful. He held my hand and swung our arms to and fro. He ran his free hand anxiously through his hair, but I had no words of comfort. We arrived at the ocean, and I watched the tide run over my feet, sinking them into the sand. I waited for him to say more. I tugged at his pinky finger as if it would get him going, and it did. “I’m a little embarrassed that I passed out. That’s not what I had planned for you.” As he said those words, he twirled me into his chest, embracing me and kissed me deeply. My nipples went instantly hard, sending chills up and down my legs.

  “I miss you so much,” I whispered into his mouth, and desire surged through me.

  “I miss you more, Alycat.” His warm tongue gently caressed mine, and his firm, soft lips teased me, making me want more. “I promise, when this is over, you and I will disappear.”

  “Mmm,” I purred into his ear. “I can’t wait.”

  He smiled down at me, kissing my forehead. He kept his lips lightly pressed to my skin, brushing them back and forth. I breathed him in, not wanting the moment to end, knowing that the foreseeable hours would be a shit show.

  He exhaled restlessly. “The crowd is growing. We should get up there.”

  We walked tucked together until someone called out Jake’s name. It was a male voice. When I looked around to see who it was, Marty was strolling somberly over to us. Jake patted Marty’s shoulder. “What are you doin’, man? Is everyone here?”

  “Hello Alyssa.” Marty threw me a pleasant grin, then turned to Jake. “Um, yeah.” He pointed. “They’re all up at the end of the pier.”

  “What are you doing?” I asked this time, curious as to why he wasn’t with everyone else.

  “I’ve never been to California. I’ve never touched the Pacific Ocean. You on your way up?”

  “Yeah.” Jake nodded and tugged me along.

  The moment we got to the bike path at about 12th Street, the murmurs started. I heard Jake’s name more times than I could count, and he waved kindly at everyone we passed. I felt the eyes prod us with each step we took. I glanced up from moment to moment, noticing some people had no idea what was going on, and others were snapping pictures like their life depended on it. But for whatever it was worth, they kept their distanc
e, respecting the gravity of what was going down. I was just thankful that it wasn’t a clamoring mob, like it was that one time in New York at his SNL performance. My heart clamored in my chest, and as soon as we made it through the sea foam green gates, of the pier I began to relax.

  What I hadn’t noticed in my disoriented state was the number of people that were actually gathered to pay their last respects to Dump. There were hundreds of people all at the base of their pier. It was as if they appeared in an instant. I could hear the faint sound of Jake’s music streaming off in the distance. I was in awe. Jake’s cheek brushed mine as he said something to me, letting my hand go. I nodded at whatever it was that he said but didn’t hear him. I was fixated on all the people gathered below me. Some held hand made flags with Rita’s Revolt insignia, some held signs of band devotion, and more than I could count read RIP Dump ~ We Love You. That’s when I choked up and my eyes searched for Sienna.

  I didn’t realize that Jake had actually vanished. I was alone in the drifting crowd of people that I didn’t recognize, at the middle of the pier. A larger crowd was formed near the end, next to the red-roofed octagonal building that housed an aquarium. I kept searching for Sienna. Where was she? Who I didn’t want to see was the person I locked eyes with, Eva fucking James. Of course she had to be here. If I could swallow her whole, I would. I looked past her without even a nod, as if I didn’t see her at all, and to my reprieve, Nadine pushed past her with a bouquet of tropical flowers in her arms.

  “Oh my God, Aly!” Nadine bellowed. “This is fucking nuts.”

  I nodded in agreement and looked around, as if taking it all in one more time would snap me back to reality. I felt like none of it was real.

  “Can you believe these? Marty gave these to me!” Nadine enthused. She was beaming and smitten. I don’t think any boy had ever given her flowers, let alone anything else other than heartache.

  Her happiness coaxed a smile to my face. “They’re beautiful.”

  “He’s so cute, Aly.” She sighed happily, her green eyes sparkled, and she stepped closer to me. “I know he’s not my type at all, but maybe I didn’t know what type was the right type.”