Broken Notes

by Ann Marie Frohoff

  “Girlfriend you tell me.” I felt as if insinuation laced his voice.

  “Oh my God, I’m not gonna be blamed for Jake’s relapse. He’s a big boy. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, Marshall. You know me better than that.”

  A beat passed, almost as if he didn’t believe me. “I know, but you know how he gets.”

  Yeah – The pot calling the kettle black.

  I worried, though, and a sick feeling crawled up my throat. “I think I’m gonna throw up.” I lay back down on my bed, closing my eyes. “Marshall, Nathan is just a friend to me. He was here with his family; nothing more happened.”

  “It just looks bad, Aly. We ran into him the day after Christmas, and he was definitely high. He was all erratic and super sketchy.”

  I nodded, grabbing my forehead. “How did you find out he was with Sienna?”

  “Jake’s mom was looking for him, and we called Sienna, you know, because she’s here too for the holidays, just to see if she’d heard from him. Then to our surprise, she said he’d been staying with her.”

  “Hmm. Okay. Well maybe she’ll slap him around. She’s always been against drug use.” My feelings swirled. “Marshall, will you pick me up from the airport?”

  32

  Alyssa

  Standing in the long customs line at the airport was grueling. I itched to get out of there. Like a crack head, I was paranoid everyone was staring at me – it seemed as if, every time I looked up and around, I made eye contact with someone checking me out. I fidgeted with my bags, my hair, my cuticles, my phone – which had no reception. That was the worst part. I had no idea what had transpired while I was flying. I was beyond anxious to get to Marshall to see if anything had developed with Jake. To top it off, I just had to pick the line with a family with three little kids and the parents who’d never traveled in their entire lives, until now. They spoke with a heavy accent I couldn’t place, and searched for one passport they should’ve had ready to present to the Custom’s Agent.

  Kill me.

  Finally, I was rolling my luggage up the winding ramp into the main arrivals terminal, and immediately began searching for Marshall. Hearing his voice call out my name sent a rush of relief through me. I searched the faces in the crowd spotting his, and not surprisingly his hair was different. It was a light violet, and had grown a bit longer in the front. He looked as happy to see me as I was him.

  “Sweetie, you look worse for the ware.” He hugged me tightly and patted my back, stepping away from me just as fast, his sideways stare roamed over me.

  Gee, thanks.

  “Oh my God! Stop it!” I ordered, half laughing at his motherly-ness.

  As we walked to his car parked in the garage across the road from the International Terminal, I shivered as the cold wind whipped my hair around my face. I wasn’t used to the cold, let alone drizzle and dreariness. The thin sweater I was wearing wasn’t cutting the fifty-five-degree temperature, cold for Southern California. As my teeth chattered together, I explained exactly what had gone on since I’d left for Brazil. I still wasn’t sure how Jake found out that Nathan was with me.

  “I have no idea, Aly.” He shook his head, perplexed as I. “Jake doesn’t seem the type to lurk around.” Marshall shot me an ironic glance. “I did see the picture of you and Nathan posted on Instagram, but Jake doesn’t follow Nathan, does he?”

  I shook my head. “No. I don’t think so.” I laughed it off. Maybe he did. “But I still wasn’t doing anything wrong.”

  Marshall shrugged off my comment and opened the trunk of his little black Volt,

  a newish electric car. “You know the band is playing at the Roxy tomorrow night.”

  Tomorrow was New Year’s Eve I thought as we drove out of the airport parking garage. We took the beach route home. My insides tightened. “Jake never mentioned them playing anywhere in LA.”

  “It was a last-minute thing, I guess.”

  I’d heard what Marshall said, but was still stuck on Jake. “Bobby didn’t mention anything about Jake at all?” My tone was desperate, but I didn’t care. I leaned my head against the window and watched the stormy Pacific Ocean speed by me. There wasn’t a soul on the beach. Even though the weather sucked, I was relieved to be home.

  “No. We’ve just been spending quality time together.”

  A sentimental seventies love song played on the radio, making me feel more sorry for myself. I reached up and tapped the radio tuner to another station. Most of them were running commercials. “You should really get satellite radio.”

  “I know. Just add that to the list of things to do.” It was his turn to poke at the radio buttons. “Bobby’s been kind of depressed since Dump died. It’s really been strange for me too, watching everything change so permanently.”

  Permanently. “Death and taxes, right?”

  “Sadly.”

  As we turned down my neighborhood street, my hands began to get damp. What if Jake was at his mom’s? I mean he’d have to go there to visit at some point, right? What if it was today? Would I go over there? But as we got closer, my strange worry extinguished when I saw there were no cars in their driveway. Of course I would have gone over there, I thought.

  I groaned as I opened the car door. “Thank you for coming out of your way to pick me up.”

  “Anytime. I love you, Aly. Anything for you.” He looked at me fondly.

  “I’m so proud of you, Marshall. You’ve kept your shit together with relatively no drama and I couldn’t be more envious, in a good way.” I smiled sincerely at him.

  Marshall put the car in park and got out, helping me with my bags. “Why don’t you come up to WeHo before the show tomorrow, like around seven? You know you’ve never been to my place.” He tsk’d and wagged his finger at me. “We can walk to The Roxy from there.”

  My stomach grew nervous, and a sinking feeling gripped me. “Jake knew I was coming home today and I haven’t heard from him.” Marshall didn’t know what to say. He looked as woeful and I felt. He too knew it wasn’t like Jake. I wheeled my luggage up my driveway, thanking Marshall again. “I’ll let you know about tomorrow after I talk to Nadine. If I don’t hear from him, I’m not going. He knew I was going to be home. After everything we’ve been through and all the bullshit he’s put me through, you’d think he’d see the bigger picture here.”

  Marshall’s face turned downward. His mouth hung open like he was gonna say something, Instead, he smiled at me and waved, ducking into his car.

  I drew in a huge breath as I stepped through my front door and called out, “Is anyone home?”

  Silence. I was totally alone.

  ***

  Nadine twirled a piece of her blonde hair around her finger as she smacked her gum, scrutinizing a fashion magazine. She kept scoffing as she turned the pages. “You can’t possibly compete with these images. No wonder girls have eating disorders, seriously.”

  I just shook my head. It was the same comment that she’d made a million other times. I wasn’t gonna bite. I would usually follow up by saying, “Don’t hate on the skinny girls.” And she’d say, “These girls are photo-shopped. It’s a proven fact. Nobody looks like this.” And I’d say, “Nadine. Not everyone get’s inches taken off.” And she’d tell me not to brag and I’d pump her up. And say,“being tall and gangly isn’t always a selling feature.” Because Nadine harshed on herself way too much, and I never understood why. Guys flocked to her and her voluptuous figure. She had a flat stomach, shapely legs, and boobs I’d probably pay for someday.

  “Shut up over there. You’re not fat. Those girls are like six feet tall. Stop comparing yourself and eat some popcorn.” I walked back into my living room and placed a bowl of lightly salted organic air-popped popcorn in front of her.

  “Is this how you’ve managed to stay super skinny?” She threw a piece at me. “I hate you.” She tossed a couple pieces in her mouth. “I say that with love.”

  I leaned forward and yanked the magazine away from her and flung it over my s
houlder behind the sofa. Her green eyes cast a wounded look at me. “There, and no. You try working out three hours every day. I could eat a cow’s ass, speaking of, let’s go to In N Out. I need my burger fix.”

  Nadine was staring into her bowl of popcorn and sighed. “Marty’s here and he hasn’t asked me out yet. It’s fucking New Year’s Eve for Christ’s sake.”

  A zing of shock stabbed through me. Marty’s name went right along with Jake. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, Jake still hasn’t reached out.”

  “Have you?”

  “No. Why should I? We had plans to spend New Year’s Eve together, tonight. He’s being a baby and a double-standard wielding jackass.” I spat intensely, my curiosity provoking me along. “When’s the last time you heard from Marty?”

  “Before he left.” She pulled her knees to her chest and balanced the bowl on her knees. “He did say he thought it was sad how Sienna was leaning on Jake so hard for support. You know she’s moved in to that apartment you guys shared, and now she’s here and they’re together. Maybe…” She looked at bug-eyed.

  A weird feeling engulfed me. She was insinuating something that I didn’t even want to think about. I shook my head violently. “No. Don’t even go there. That’s just gross and…and there’s just no way.”

  Her forehead creased. “I don’t now. Crazy shit goes down when life changes so dramatically.” She moved and put her empty bowl on the table. “Aly, I’m just sayin’.”

  “Well don’t just be sayin’, it’s just wrong. Sienna and Jake are like brother and sister.” I looked warmly at Nadine. “Sometimes friends are closer and more important than your family.”

  Nadine’s face got a little pink and her lips curled up all goofy. “Awe shucks.” She bounced out of her seat. “We’re going to the show. Get ready.”

  “You think we should?” I moaned and sank back into the sofa, unenthusiastic. “I’m so not in the mood to see Eva prancing all over the stage.” I shot straight up. “Now that’s the person I’m worry about.” My eyes narrowed at the thought.

  “Screw her.” Nadine grabbed her purse and pointed at the clock. “It’s seven PM; we’ll leave by eight and go grab some din.”

  I thought of Marshall. We shoulda been to his house already.

  Sunset Boulevard was packed with club-goers and party people shuffling up and down the famed street, all gussied up to ring in the New Year. Some people in skimpy, nearly nothing outfits with their buttcheeks and boobs hanging out, despite the cold weather; some wearing jeans and t-shirts and the standard leather biker jacket. It was ten PM. Red taillights from the bumper-to-bumper traffic glittered brightly, making it seem more Christmasy. (If that thought wasn’t looking at the positive side of my current situation, nothing was). I still hadn’t heard from Jake, and Marshall said that Bobby was concerned about the situation. Apparently they’d not practiced at all for the show. Jake had only sent a text informing them of the opportunity – ‘Eva asked us to play at The Roxy NYE. Be there. Load in at 5:30.’ Jake never returned their calls or texts inquiring about more info.

  We’d swung by Marshall’s to pick him up – late. He was miffed we didn’t take the time to come in and see his place, but he shook it off with a flip of his lavender hair in his typical understanding way, saying, “Well, seeing you’re both empty handed.” He’d looked cock-eyed at me and shot a glance at Nadine. “Etiquette, girls! You never show up to someone’s new place without a little house-warming gift. We’ll just have to plan something next week.” He tsked, and folded femininely into the back seat, smiling in good humor.

  We pulled into a parking garage just a block east of The Roxy; $25 dollars to park. Total parking rape, but it was New Year’s Eve. We all split the fee. I wore a standard little black dress with black thigh-high boots. I attempted to look the part, even though I felt as if doom and gloom oozed from my pours for all to see. My mind swirled with concern over showing up without having talked to Jake.

  What if he didn’t want me there?

  I shivered from the cold as I trailed behind Nadine and Marshall, fiddling with the black velvet hat I wore. I tucked my hair inside of it in an attempt to go unrecognized and stared at the venue sign in the distance, a red neon ‘R’ flashed back and forth, dancing for all to see. Only Eva James’ name appeared on the Marquee underneath it. Earlier in the day, Nadine said she’d heard on the radio that KROQ was giving away tickets for a Rita’s Revolt Secret Show. This was it. My heart thundered in my chest. We crossed the driveway where band load-ins took place, and where they and roadies congregated, smoking and whatnot. I was too afraid to look in that direction, worried I’d lock eyes with Jake.

  Why was I even there? Of course he didn’t want me there. He would have called me.

  “This is a bad idea,” I said out loud to no one. Marshall heard me.

  “Stop it. I’ll be fine. You two just need to work things out. He loves you, and you love him. That’s all that matters.” Marshall pulled me to him. His arm felt strong around my shoulders as I clung to it for comfort. “He needs you, Aly. He’s a mess without you.”

  My attempt at being incognito was working. I walked past the throngs of fans and people milling about out in front, taking the curb like a balance beam all the way to The Rainbow Room driveway, a bar just adjacent to us. My heart raced as Nadine and I waited for Marshall to return with our passes.

  Nadine waved her hand wildly. “Marty wants to meet me. Come on, they’re just about to go on!” She waved her glowing cell phone at me, smiling happily, and my windpipe narrowed.

  Marshall took my hand in his. “Come on. It’ll be fine.”

  I sucked in a deep breath. “You guys go. I’m coming. I just need a minute.” I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled heavily, watching my warm breath filter out into the cold night air. My body was numb with apprehension.

  Nadine didn’t hesitate to take off. “Hurry!” she’d shouted as she vanished into the building, all eyes on her perfectly round rump. Each time the door opened, I heard Jake’s voice. My heart felt like it was chipping apart. He really didn’t care if I was there or not. It was as if he’d forgot about me, about us, about everything. I ran my thumb against the ring he’d given me. What happened? All because I wanted to pursue my dreams? And wanted to remain friends with Nathan?

  This couldn’t be the end.

  33

  Alyssa

  The dank smell of beer, booze and old dirty floors filled my nose as my eyes adjusted to the darkness of The Roxy’s interior. Dim lights barely penetrated the darkest corners of the venue’s black painted entry. Screaming and shouting from fans blended with the strumming of a guitar. Then Jake’s voice filled my head, and my knees buckled.

  I entered the main room. It was packed, and there he stood, lit up like a rock god, with his hair messy and falling in his face. He held a microphone and took a long swig from a beer bottle. He held it out over the crowd, and their piercing screams rattled my eardrums. They went wild.

  “Cheers, Los Angeles!” he shouted out, and the screaming sent my ears ringing. “It’s good to be back.” Jake hung his head and placed the beer bottle down on the stage, pinching the bridge of his nose for a long moment. The crowd grew quieter. The white lights from the stage lit up the entire room. He combed his hand through his hair, tossing his head back, giving me a clear view of his face. The hair on my arms stood up, and a surge of longing penetrated me to the bone.

  His head suddenly balanced straight and he looked out over the crowd as if searching, almost like he’d felt what I’d felt. I feared he’d see me at the back of the room. His eyes scanned the crowd, waving and nodding at people he knew. He looked at every face and in my direction. My heart raced faster as his eyes passed right over me. Phew. I could tell by the look in them, he was lit up on something, and my heart sunk even deeper into my gut. I walked closer to the stairs that led down to the stage, but it was entirely too packed to go any further.

  I glanced over at the VIP area, and I co
uld see many familiar faces, including Nadine and Marty. Marshall stared out at the stage with his hands pressed flat together under his chin, praying. His eyes were sparkling as he stared at Bobby, totally in love. Bobby strummed a light tune. Then I spotted Sienna, and a shock jolted me. My eyes shot to the stage. Devon sat behind the drum kit. I hadn’t notice. I gulped, and my eyes sought out Sienna again. She had a soft smile on her face as she waited patiently for Jake to continue.

  A smile? Even though the band was like family, I wouldn’t want to be there to witness what had been and what would never be again.

  “This is weird.” Jake’s voice drew my attention back to the stage. He licked his lips, pointing behind him, and his mouth pressed tightly together. I could tell he was holding back tearful emotions. “This is our first show without Dump. RIP, man!” He looked up toward the heavens, and the crowd went crazy and quieted just as quickly. “Who can hear Dump sayin’ – ‘Get to fuckin’ playin’, man?’” Another volcanic eruption came from the crowd. Bobby began playing a familiar, soft tune I couldn’t place.

  “I’ve got something new. Well it’s not really new, it’s actually really old and different. Dump was actually the only one to really dig it back when I played the idea for him several years ago.” Jake nodded and he looked over his right shoulder to the side stage. I spotted Eva. “It’s a duet,” he announced, and the crowd went hysterical.

  As soon as I heard those three words, something in my head popped. The rhythmic, simple guitar melody vibed through my body, and my stomach churned with unease. I wanted to run from the room but I was paralyzed, watching Jake as he smiled at Eva. She joined him on stage.

  I wanted to be wrong. I told myself that it had to be a spin off, but I wasn’t wrong. Jake reached down, taking something from a fan. It was a shot glass. “Thanks, man! Cheers!” He knocked back the dark liquid. His face grimaced as he swallowed. “Don’t drink and drive.” He nodded, half smiling, and the crowd cheered and laughed.