Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1

by Kurt Knox

  You gonna play?

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  You knows it!

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  A woman cannot ethically be considered the property of a man. This so-called ‘game’ is an affront to our collective dignity and I will have no part of it.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  Another Stoli and Red goes down. It’s all good. The barman’s looking at you kinda squinty though.

  ‘HEy, dUde!’ you slur…

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  yOu tHink yOu’re betTEr thAn me, is THat iT??

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  WhY doN’t You coME ovEr hERe And *burp* saY thAt tO my faCe?

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  i fU-ffu-CkinG lOVe yoU, maN!1!!

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You flip a coin. What do you get?

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  Tails.

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  Heads.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  Mad props, homes. Any fool can pick up a shorty at a club, but you don’t play the game on easy setting. The laundrette — that’s where you’ll sink your slinky. In fact… hello, who’s this piece of ass sat by a dryer giving you sex eyes? This girl is showroom quality. No time to waste, hustler; pounce on that gazelle like a sexy panther before some other playa tears her in half. What’s your move?

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  Show her the merch (strip to the raw like the dude in that old Levis ad).

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  Hit the honey with a pick-up line.

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  Neg the honey (offer her a compliment wrapped in an insult, like a painfully insecure chauvinist might).

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You just happened to have a ten-sided dice on you? Aha ha ha ha! What a nimrod! You’ve been found out, pal. You’re no sex animal, you’re a fucking forest nymph. How about some choices more suited to your kind of adventure, eh? Go on, this ought to be fun.

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  Fight a kobold.

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  Open a treasure chest.

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  Cast a spell of Obscuring Mist.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  Mos def. The circus honey takes you by the hand and leads you outside through a carny trailer park. A bunch of mullet heads turn your way, all missing teeth and jailhouse tattoos. Nasty. You ignore the stares and follow the honey, who shows you to a caravan. She points to a door.

  ‘Dinner time,’ she says.

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  Something-something-eating-out-pun-something (enter the caravan).

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  Thanks, but all of a sudden I’m not hungry.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  The lab honey directs you to a metal pod and turns the time dial to ‘past.’

  ‘Good luck,’ she says. ‘If you make it back alive I’d love to have you throw a bone in me.’

  She flips the pod’s switch and you get a feeling like your brain got pulled through your dick hole. When you open your eyes you find yourself in a dense jungle: vines and humidity and all that shit. This ain’t Venice, Italy — this ain’t any kind of Venice!

  A thicket parts and a big ole lizard head pokes out. It’s a motherfucking velociraptor! You’re about to make tracks, but you notice the raptor’s giving you sex eyes. What’s your play, bro? You never dreamed of banging no dinosaur, but this here’s the only shorty on the block. How about it? You gonna dip your docus?

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  This is a romance 65 million years in the making.

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  I must resist the jungle fever.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  ‘Interesting,’ says the lab honey. ‘I for one would be fascinated to know whether your hypothesis pans out and you do indeed freak me wild.’

  She directs you to a metal pod and turns the time dial to ‘future.’ There’s a blinding flash that even your genuine Oakley sunglasses cannot shield, and when you open your eyes you are in a different place — a city of the future — all glass skyscrapers and flying cars and shit. Humans are long gone — it’s just robots and jetpacks left now. What the quark?!

  A luscious ladybot rolls up and gives you sex eyes. Metal honey has a face like a Lamborghini and an ass that could recite pi to a thousand places. Whatchoo gonna do, G?

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  Romance that robot (hit the honey with a pick-up line).

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  What this droid needs is a good, deep disking (ask outright for sex).

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  ‘Make love on me,’ the lab honey coos, and drops her drawers.

  Congratulations, you have scored the honey and won the game. Please masturbate accordingly. PEACE OUT.

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  Play Again.

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  Play the Next Installment.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  Some call you dumb and ignorant, but today you’ve proven yourself the total opposite. You’re ignorant and dumb.

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  Burn.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  She wrinkles her nose.

  ‘Sorry, but I’m more of a Steve Buscemi woman.’

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  Weak.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  Sho’ ‘nuff. You rock up to the cemetery, push open a creaky iron gate and
go looking for some sweet widow ass. Time to get your monster mashed! One problem though: this place is haunted as shit. A ghost glides over, all glowing and covered in ectoplasm. It’s a lady ghost.

  ‘Oooooooooooooh,’ she says.

  What now?

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  A g-g-g-ghost? (book it the college).

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  Cheese it to the circus.

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  Perform the rites of exorcism.

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  Ectoplasm ain’t nuttin’ but ghost lube (hit that sexy specter with a pick-up line).

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  We’ll see who’s the chicken! You burn up to the next set of lights, pull a one eighty and take your position, revving your finely tuned engine. The light turns green and you pop the stick in first, tearing away so fast the back of your skull leaves a dent in the headrest. The Subaru does likewise, coming at you like a damn bullet train. You’re on a collision course. You gonna see this thing through, dudester?

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  I am a Scalextric car and the white line is my groove!

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  Dodge like a big puss.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You got this, bro. You pop the door on the dryer and start gathering up the honey’s smalls. But wait a second — granny panties and fat-ass Spanx? This ain’t Victoria’s Secret, more like Victoria’s Shame! Too late you whirl around to see the honey has snuck up from behind, then one quick shove and you’re inside the dryer with the door locked. The drum begins to spin and the temperature turns hotter than the climax of a Michael Bay movie. Your flesh bubbles and bakes as your skull is pounded into splinters by the brutal walls of your metal kill prison. The last thing you see before death takes you is a sign through the door of the dryer. ‘Feminist Laundrette,’ it says. Dear God. Your fate was sealed the moment you walked in. GAME OVER.

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  Return to Checkpoint.

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  Start Over.

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  Thug 4 Life, baby! You square up to the bouncer and flex.

  ‘Dawg, ima punch you in the nuts so hard you’ll smell shapes!’

  You throw down, but the bouncer deflects your attempt to strike him and lands you with a fist like a lump hammer. Your skull splits in half like two halves of an Easter egg and he reaches inside and mushes your brain into porridge. Your body staggers about for it bit then flops to the ground like a kid throwing a tantrum. Your sex quest is at an end. GAME OVER.

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  Return to Checkpoint.

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  Start Over.

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  Please turn back a page

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  You throw down, but the bouncer deflects your attempt to strike him and lands you with a fist like a lump hammer. Your skull splits in half like two halves of an Easter egg and he reaches inside and mushes your brain into porridge. Your body staggers about for it bit then flops to the ground like a kid throwing a tantrum. Your sex quest is at an end. GAME OVER.

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  Return to Checkpoint.

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  Start Over.

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  Please turn back a page

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  Sextrap Dungeon: Book 1, by Kurt Knox

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  That awkward moment when you accidentally hurl a bucket of water into an electrical outlet and electrocute yourself, causing your eyeballs to pop out onto your cheeks, your flesh to burst into flames and the room to fill with the sickly sweet stench of burned bacon mixed with human defecation. GAME OVER.

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  Return to Checkpoint.

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  Start Over.

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  Please turn back a page

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