Voyage

by C. Paul Lockman

  Velis gestured towards the nearest ship with a stick of calamari, which I noticed she was chewing in very small pieces. Wise move. "They are traders or visitors approaching Takanli station. You were received in the same place, although you'll have no recollection as you had yet to awake from the Cosmic Sleep. By the time you woke, you were already in the hotel. We found this more convenient and it avoided a lot of very urgent questions which would have been harder to answer when the visitor is agitated. Do you agree?"

  I did, and couldn't help finding the whole thing rather funny. One minute I'm on a mountain top in Snowdonia, the next I'm being whisked across hundreds of light years on a flying bed. And the void! What a good craic that was! Hovering of a billion light years of nothingness. It was enough to make me chuckle, then laugh out loud, then simply convulse in my seat, and on the floor, and in a foetal, shuddering heap of giggles.

  I had just about got my breath back when Falik motioned out of the window at a large and imposing vessel. This, I knew at once, was a military ship. "They protect the space around our system, and this vessel has just completed a three-year tour among the more remote planets."

  It bristled with threat. So black it was almost invisible, the ship thrummed along towards the Takanli station, her crew about to see home after so long in space. "How many planets belong to the system? We have nine, don't we?"

  Carpash handled that one. "Actually, your star, which we call Sol 88932, has eight major planets, but millions of smaller bodies which would offer meaningful levels of gravity. Most of them remained undiscovered during your century. There are also billions of smaller asteroids, of which your astronomers have quite a complete catalogue, but we are surprised your species has not done more to protect your planet in such a potentially hostile environment." I stared at him. Asteroid strikes were incredibly infrequent, right?

  Carpash checked his lectern. "Not so. Your world, which we merely name Sol 88932 Planet C, is being constantly bombarded by rocks and fragments of various sizes. Only as recently as the beginning of your last century, an event large enough to kill millions took place, but thankfully it only destroyed a massive swathe of forest in the Arctic Circle. That these strikes are not daily occurrences should not lead your species into arrogance, particularly when your knowledge of deep space is so minimal. Having walked merely on your own moon is, forgive me, hardly the most impressive of achievements when compared to those of a fully-fledged space-faring civilisation, of which there are many thousands."

  Feeling rather humbled, I watched the battleship dock and chewed with a lot more circumspection on the spicy calamari stick. It was rather pleasant in smaller quantities. Perhaps Earthlings are still in their spaceflight infancy, but at least we don't need a stiff, alien drink to be able to laugh. Still, they had achieved so much that I felt like a minnow among whales, struggling to grow and develop.

  Thoughts emerged from up front once more. 'Descent will begin shortly. We hope you enjoyed lunch. Please strap in and prepare for re-entry'. The cabin lights darkened and a black, oily film spread quickly over the observations windows. ‘The cabin will be kept dark for the re-entry so that you can perceive the orange glow outside the spacecraft’, the pilot thought back to us. The ride quickly became bumpier.

  Carpash became excited once more. "I have prepared for this", he began. "There is an appropriate piece of musical entertainment from your planet, and I simply couldn't resist." He pushed a button his wristpad and a familiar opening motif filled the cabin.

  'You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain.

  Too much love drives a man insane.

  You broke my will,

  But what a thrill.

  Goodness gracious, Great Balls of Fire'

  As the spacecraft was plunging headlong through the thick atmosphere and the temperatures were building to an intensity that would melt any metal, I was laughing myself daft.

  Chapter XIII: The Boffin

  Having docked smoothly at the Institute, we walked back across the huge landing platform on slightly wobbly legs. "What a ride!" I remembered the expression from an Apollo mission, and it summed up the experience beautifully. Back inside, Samuel L Jackson was catching forty winks, laid out in his leather chair with his feet on the reception desk, snoring like a trooper.

  "We have rather a busy schedule today, and there will be no such rest for us", Falik explained as she escorted me past the surgery rooms and the Optics Centre to the last, blue-screened room under the dome. "I think you will find this extremely interesting".

  The door swished open to reveal a rather austere office, not unlike a professor's study at home. Rather than books, thousands of small metal containers ringed the room, which was almost exactly circular. In the centre was a black, leather chair straight out of BBC’s quiz show Mastermind, next to which was waiting a four-foot tall humanoid with a huge black beard. "Ah!" he exclaimed in an almost comically squeaky voice. "I have been expecting you", he continued, with educated, clipped pronunciation, like a cross between a kindly cleric and a backroom Boffin. "Have a seat. You're going to love this."

  The door swished closed, sealing Falik, the Boffin and I in the circular room. She took a position near the door and observed as the Boffin sat me down and took quick measurements of the size and shape of my head with a metal rod which proved rather flexible.

  "Hmmmm. Right. Yes, I think I have the right one for you. This won't take a moment." He disappeared off to my left, rummaged around among the metal boxes with a few clanks and mutters, and returned carrying a single, metal container about the size of a lever-arch file. "Yes, I believe this will do nicely. Now, has anyone explained the slightest thing about this procedure?"

  I shook my head. "I thought not. Rather a leap for you, this one is. You see, we've found the traditional methods of education... well, they just take too damned long. We are no longer prepared for our scientists or educators to spend years in training before they're even up to snuff on the basics. So, we developed this little beauty". He opened the box and held aloft a circular headband, not unlike a metallic tiara, made from gleaming metal about an inch wide. Placing it on my head, he slid it down until it fit snugly onto my forehead and clipped it into place above my ears.

  "Now. This is called a Cerebral Implant. It is a terrifically fast learning method. Anything you want to know, I've got it. We'll start with a bit of science, and see how we go. Its devilishly clever, you see, and will seek out the information you currently hold, replace and update it, and then add anything we need to add. You'll see what I mean in a moment. A few questions, first."

  Falik looked on, not without a glint of amusement in her eye. The Boffin returned with a white card and began to read. "Please answer these questions as quickly as you can. Ready?" I nodded, bemused. "Right. Tell me the most prodigiously available element in the universe."

  "Hydrogen", I answered quickly.

  "Fine. Tell me the constituent gases of your planet's atmosphere."

  I thought for a second. "Nitrogen, Oxygen, Carbon Dioxide and all the trace gasses - argon, neon, xenon, krypton and radon." My high school chemistry was finally paying off.

  "Lovely. Now, explain how the carbon cycle works."

  I did my best. Then the Haber process. Then the Nitrogen cycle. I was getting a bit stumped. "It's been quite a while since I worked with this stuff."

  The Boffin waved a hand. "Don't worry about that. I'm actually more interested in proving what you don't know. Your knowledge at the moment is pretty minimal". I glanced up at him with a frown.

  "I got A's at GCSE, I did!"

  The Boffin snorted. "And I can find my arse with both hands, but that doesn't make me a proctologist! Now, explain the theory of evolution by natural selection". I gave it my best shot. "Good, or good enough for now. Tell me what you know about orbital mechanics."

  I knew bugger all. I knew that ships had to achieve a certain velocity to achieve orbit, because my backside was still smarting with the elephant kick of acceleration fr
om the Cruiser. But beyond that, I had little to offer. "Oh dear. What about Kepler's laws?" Not a lot there either. "General relativity?" I had a stab.

  "Yeah, that's when you're observing an object, which is moving, and then the object which as actually moving in a straight line, right, that appears to the observer to move in a curve, and then it... because its moving in... shit."

  The Boffin snorted once more. "Pathetic, but don't worry. Try this."

  He pressed a button on his console and I felt immediately very spaced out, like the morning after a massive session down the pub. "Jesus..."

  The Boffin clicked the button once more. "Now, tell me the properties of the metal Frejudium."

  My eyeballs clicked. "Frejudium is a rare trace metal found on seven planets of the thirteen in this system. It is extracted by the Baffic process, which has as its bi-products water, hydrogen and alcohol, and is therefore a rather profitable exercise in the outer regions. Frejudium is used as a catalyst in the production of Telluric ions, which in turn are used for the lightspeed drives on vessels such as the Cruiser. Its chemical properties are well understood and it is distinguished by gaining photon particles in reaction with water, which produced the Trans-Frejudic table of elements, which are seventy-seven in number, although only two are stable at RTP..." I continued for four minutes. And then stopped with a bump.

  "How in the name of holy fuck did I know all of that?" I stared at the Boffin, then Falik, then back to the dwarven man who was smiling patiently. "I'd never even heard of the stuff! And now I know I reckon I could write a small book on its properties."

  The Boffin continued to smile, like a tutor waiting for his student to catch up with the totally bloody obvious. "Yes, yes. Well done. Big pat on the back. Fancy a spot more?" I nodded vigorously.

  He gave me a degree course on celestial mechanics. It took two minutes of space-out mind-bending, and then I was ready. Falik wheeled over a lectern and presented what looked at first glance like a bastard of a problem. "Vessel A is travelling at 11% of lightspeed in this direction", she indicated. "Vessel B has engine trouble and is only going at 6% of lightspeed, but left Takanli seven years before Vessel A. Allowing for gravitational slingshots around these three planets, with this one twice", she gestured, "calculate how long it will take for Vessel A to overtake Vessel B, and calculate also the difference in their speeds assuming no collisions if they continue in this way for three more years."

  It took nine seconds. "Vessel A will overtake Vessel B in seven months, five days. Or, two months and thirteen hours, if we use the Jakalzzi calendar. The different in speed will remain at 5% lightspeed until the second gravitational slingshot around this planet", I motioned to the lectern, "because the path taken by Vessel A affords an extra 280m/s of Delta-V."

  I sat back and tapped the lectern to clear the screen. "That was fun. And how did I know to tap the lectern?"

  The Boffin was fumbling about in the back and called over, "because basic Lectern Management is included in virtually every BA course." He returned with another box. "Well done. Now, try this." More mind-bending followed as a BA course in social history was poured into my gleeful brain.

  Falik motioned me to the lectern. My head felt heavy. "Try to answer this question: What is the origin of the controversial Jakalzzi matrimonial custom of Hephage, and how can it be defended?"

  I entered into a twelve-minute, non-stop monologue on marriage customs among this remote tribe on the twelfth planet. There were important inter-regional ramifications to the practice of Jakalzzian tribal Elders being permitted to intermarry with the colossal-breasted Erosine Raptors of the Gaspiri, the eleventh planet. The political vacuum following the Elders’ departure had kicked off centuries of large-scale conflict, poverty and instability. This had culminated, several years ago, in the outright destruction of the largest moon of the tenth planet, Bephra, then host to a polygamous refuge of thrice-exiled Elders. I accepted that many of the Elders had married Raptors while beguiled by their ability to produce a state of continuous orgasm using their Third Eye, a biological device located between their breasts. Just thinking about the state of permanent ecstasy it was said to induce made my cock twitch with excitement.

  I then defended these marriages practice on the grounds that the Erosine Raptors, being possessed of astute, genetically-inherited political skills and negotiating prowess, had been found to be gifted mediators in times of dispute, and their ability to avoid conflicts in the Outer Rim had led to increased economic stability in this otherwise difficult region. Few Raptors are willing to leave their home planet, and for centuries they cultivated an isolationist worldview. Without marriage to the Elders, they would lack the platform from which to take part in such mediations; without their sage guidance, millions would have perished as yet more moons were blasted from orbit by the Frejudium Cannon.

  "Sometimes I amaze even myself. What's next?"

  Next, at my request, was a full diploma course on the brewing of local alcoholic drinks and a copy of Where to Go Out in Takanli.

  “Great”, I giggled. “More?”

  “Well, we need to be careful”, the Boffin tutted. “Too much of a good thing, you know.” Falik was nodding.

  “OK, but are we going to have further sessions? These methods… well, I remember what a ball-ache school was, and this is just amazing”, I offered, gesturing around the room at the little metal objects.

  “For sure, for sure”, agreed the Boffin. “But instead of paying you a salary, we’re going to give you the skills”. Falik smiled at my obvious confusion. “In the long run, it is far better for you to gain the skills which will provide the learning, rather than just be given the learning. Sessions like this are a good shortcut, but in some ways too much of one. Besides, I have no data as to what effects protracted sessions would have on your simple cerebral cortex”.

  I bristled slightly, but this was all part of his manner. The bloke was a genius. It made sense to do what he said. “Try this instead. We all find it the best solution”. He slipped another metal tiara on my head, which clicked into place. The same, slightly drunken feeling returned, and remained for a few minutes. I could feel something going on in my head, but had no idea what.

  Abruptly, the feeling ceased and the tiara was removed. “You are now a powerful learning machine. Your abilities in the processing and recalling of information would cause you to possess an Intelligence Quotient, I believe it is called on your planet, of over 2000, although that whole system is ridiculous if you ask me…” he continued, muttering to himself, while stacking away the metal objects we had used. Falik nodded for me to make my way out. I made some show of thanks, but the Boffin was deep into his next task and merely waved.

  Chapter XIV: Eliria

  Falik led me from the room, having to almost drag me away from the Boffin, who accepted my profuse thanks with well-practised ease. Outside, I revelled in the amazing new knowledge I possessed.

  "Tetra-Carbon filament sheet", I offered, gesturing at the ceiling. "Allows in sufficient of certain types of radiation but filters out harmful rays." Falik nodded with a smile and suspected this would be the pattern for today. "A dense network of nano-molecular filters saturated with Delta-radiation coating..." I trailed off as Falik gave me a look.

  "I know!" she grinned, and hugged me. "It will take some time to adjust to all the wonderful things you now know, and can do. To soften the blow, let me take you out to dinner."

  We existed the facility on the opposite side to our landing platform and were on a similar platform which overlooked much of the city. "There's a fantastic Betanurian place a half block away. The best in the city. Fancy it?"

  She led me through a small park at the edge of the research buildings and into a warren of smaller streets and alleyways. All were clean and modern of appearance, with some garish light displays above restaurants and other commercial buildings. The tallest building was only 20m high, so this was the less built-up part of the city.

  "How did the city
get so big?" I wanted to know. Falik explained about new, fast construction methods and telekinetic building, which allowed engineers to move objects without recourse to cranes or ropes. Elements of the structure were put in place exactly in sequence, allowing construction droids and human supervisors to follow a well-defined, strict schedule. No building project in Takanli, I was told, has ever gone over-budget or failed to meet deadlines.

  And the variety! No shape was left unrepresented. Falik led me through a broad, metallic arch into a small restaurant. Exotic smells filled the room, which was half-full with mixed-species diners. Some of the eight-foot tall visitors from last night's performance were chatting in the corner, drinking some green liquid from metal goblets. Several clouds of the brown gas crowded around one table, streaks of blue thought flashing constantly between them. Perhaps they were arguing, I wondered?

  We took a seat around a table which resembled one of those Chinese hotpot places with a large hole in the centre of the table. From this, on a cylindrical, rotating platter, emerged a dozen dishes which formed a colourful, if rather confusing display of foods. Falik reached out and passed me a plate of green vegetables with red lines through them. "This is a very nutritious plant from our own system, planet four. This represents their main cash crop and can grow in virtually any climate. Try it." I spooned a piece into my mouth. It had the texture of celery and the taste of beetroot, with an aniseed aftertaste. "And now this." Falik added a cube of some slightly meaty substance, maybe tofu or something similar, to my bowl. It was a strong, bitter flavour, like eating a whole mouthful of a potent herb, but it didn't last long.