by Valentina F.
Before I know it, it's the last song. It's the moment of truth, this is our song, the one I wrote, the one it took me a whole week to persuade the guys to play.
It was fucking risky, but risk is what life's all about. You need to take risks, push yourself to the limit, stay in the water and swim further and further. I don't care what the rest of the world thinks. In life you either have to be someone or you get lost in the crowd, there's no middle ground. That's how it is.
I glance down at Blondie for just one second then I have to look away. Has she worked out that I wrote this song for her soon after we met? Does she know she's the one who leaves me breathless whenever our eyes meet? It took me three months to make my first move, and I know I should have followed my instinct, as usual, but Mark's words stopped me every time. "I'm trying nothing and neither are you, bro. Remember what happened last time you had a relationship with one of the neighbors?"
Yeah, with Maddy everything went to shit, and that was before things got so weird it tore us all apart. But it's different with Cat. It will be different because she's different.
I park at the entrance to the beach, my heart in my mouth. We came second and my legs won't stop shaking. Second fucking place!
I never expected it. The girls made so much noise, they drowned out the three thousand people in the audience.
I get out of the car and walk chivalrously around to Blondie's door, but she gets out before I can open it for her. I take her by the hand and lead her down to the beach. It couldn't have gone better tonight: the sky is clear and a cool breeze will give me an excuse to put my arms around her. The moon is a thin line and a million stars shine down on us.
"Where are you taking me?" Cat's tense voice makes me smile.
"I want you to hear something." I lead her down onto the sand but then she stops. "What's wrong?" For a moment I think she might be scared of me, of being in a dark, isolated place together. My heart starts pounding again. She has to know that I'd never hurt her and I'd never make her do anything against her will.
"I'll get sand in my shoes." She frowns and looks down at her feet in her high-heeled sandals. Very expensive high-heeled sandals, by the look of it. She doesn't say so, she doesn't need to, everything she wears is expensive and the latest fashion.
"Okay, princess. Take ‘em off." I hold my hand out to her but she doesn't take it.
"But then I'll get sand on my feet." She bites her bottom lip, perplexed.
"It's just sand, Blondie. It’ll wash off."
She's not sure. She can be such a snob when she wants to be and the fact that it makes me love her even more speaks volumes about my mental health.
She looks at me, then at the beach, then at her shoes. There's only one thing to do, so I hook one arm under her knees and the other under her shoulders and she’s so light, I lift her up with no effort whatsoever.
"What are you doing?" She lets out a yelp, then shrieks with laughter as she clasps her hands firmly around my neck. Her scent stuns me, just like every other time she's close, and a strand of her hair falls on my face. I close my eyes for a few seconds. I want her so much it burns my skin.
"What do you think?" I tease sarcastically, walking briskly down toward the shore.
I sit down on the cold sand, bringing her down with me, sitting her on my legs. Inevitably, her feet sink into the sand and she lets out another yelp. Slowly, one at a time, I take her sandals off, trying not to touch her too much.
I didn't bring her here to get into her underwear. I want to, but our first time will be in a comfortable, clean bed, not some fucking public beach in Tampa.
"It's cold." She shivers and, as I'd expected, she huddles into my chest and I hold her close. Inside I'm laughing. I touch her cheek with mine and forget why I brought her here.
"You were awesome. Wow, second place! You must be so happy!"
I am, for a million different reasons. "It was incredible," I whisper softly into her hair, inhaling deeply, breathing her in.
"Would you like to sing full-time, as a job?" Her words are muffled against my chest, I can't see her eyes but I feel her heart beating powerfully against mine.
"Nah, not really, it's just a cool illusion. In ten years, I see myself working for NASA, studying what's happening beyond our planet."
"And what do you think's happening out there?" She looks up and her grin makes me smile.
"Everything. Nothing. I'll let you know in ten years." I kiss her lightly on the forehead and close my eyes. Who am I kidding? I want her, period. Fuck the bed. She's so hot and sexy I want to tear her clothes off right now.
"It's always like that for you, isn't it?" It's not really a question and she doesn't give me the time to ask what she means before she continues. "Everything or nothing, in or out, good or bad, black or white," she sighs and hides her face against my chest again.
"Yup, that's how it is." I look out toward the sea and hold her a little bit tighter.
"Your way of thinking scares me." She sits up until her eyes are level with mine. I love her innate self-confidence. If she has something to say there's no holding back. "I mean, in life there are many things that can undermine you, that lead to a turning point, and choosing the right direction to take isn't always easy. Sometimes, you can't decide between left and right and it's better to sit at the side of the road and wait."
She's talking about us, our situation. I feel a fire rising up from my belly, spreading through my veins.
She's wrong, it's all too simple.
"You're too intelligent to believe such crap. You're talking about your boyfriend and lying to yourself at the same time, trying to ease your guilt." Mark's right. I should learn to count to ten before opening my big mouth and use the filter that, theoretically, exists between my brain and my mouth.
"It's not just guilt that I feel." She stares at me, refusing to back down, which I really appreciate because I hate useless, embarrassing silences.
"Tell me, then," I insist.
"What I feel for Leonardo is real. What I feel for you is real. But...how do you know that the road you're choosing is the right one?" she asks, gesticulating furiously. "Both roads could be right or both could be wrong, and that's why it's only right to take some time to reflect."
"We're not talking about feelings. If you told me that you forgot all about Leonardo from one day to the next, I wouldn't believe you. The right road doesn't exist. What exists are choices, decisions, and consequences. Right now, you want to stay here with me and it scares you, it makes you feel guilty and makes you ask yourself a hundred times over if you're making the right decision, but you're still here. You've made your decision. You were at the crossroads and you walked toward me, and you did it on your own, no one forced you." My calm voice hides all my nervousness.
"I wish..." She closes her mouth and purses her lips. "I wish it were different. I wish I didn't feel so bad about Leo, and I wish I didn't want to be here, with you, right now." She leans forward and glues her lips to mine.
Her sweet words fill my soul. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world." The most worrying thing is that I mean it. The guys are out there celebrating somewhere and all I can think of is there's no way they’re as happy as I am right now.
I nip her lip with my teeth and nibble it softly, startling her. "I want you to hear this." I pull my phone and two sets of earbuds from my pockets, and with my arm still around her shoulders, plug in the tiny adapter that allows me to connect two pairs of earphones at the same time and hand her a pair. I put my earbuds in and, for a second, I regret what I'm doing.
For the past three months, I've acted the tough guy, behaving like a bully, deliberately ignoring her when we're with friends. Now, in the space of twenty-four hours, I've shown her a side of me I didn't even know I had, that's so sickly sweet she's risking diabetes.
I heard this song a couple of weeks ago and immediately thought of her. What the fuck am I saying? For a while now, everything makes me think of her. Jessica told me
she overheard a conversation between Cat and Erika last month; Erika telling Cat to be careful, not to trust the bad-boy, wannabe James Dean, that I'm just an asshole who wins the girls over with his cockiness and then drops them when he's got what he was after. I love Erika, but shit, sometimes she needs to back off. Now I have to prove to Blondie that her roommate is wrong. Not totally, but she's wrong if she thinks I'm going to treat her like that.
And I'm not shy, anyway. I just can't stand useless conversations. Shit, I know how to be romantic, when necessary, but this time I think I've gone too far; the beach, the stars, the sappy love song. When she tells her friends, they’ll think I’m a total loser.
Cat stares at me in anxious trepidation, smiling so sweetly it makes my heart tremble. For a second I think of playing a different song, one at random. I run my fingers down the list and quickly read the titles of the others but there's nothing for it, to hell with looking stupid, I want her to hear this, hoping she understands the words.
I let out a huge sigh and press play. The piano in the background marks the beginning of Ross Copperman's “Hunger” and I turn the volume up to the max. I turn Cat around so she's sitting on my lap, facing me, and she wraps her legs around my waist. I can't ever get close enough to her.
One look and I can’t catch my breath
Two souls into one flesh
When you’re not next to me
I’m incomplete…
She leans her forehead against mine, taking one slow breath after another. Her hands are wrapped around my neck and she pulls me toward her, rubbing her nose against mine. I run a hand up her back as far as her hair and I can't take it any longer. The urge to kiss her is too strong. I hold my lips against her mouth and her eyes fly open, scrutinizing me so hard it makes me sway.
She kisses me first and it's not the first time. My little Blondie is much more impatient than me. We hold each other tight, and that kiss is perfection.
How can she think, even for a second, that all this isn't real? I've never kissed anyone, wanted anyone, with the same intensity before. Never before has the desire to get to know a woman made me lose my senses like this. Why doesn't she feel the same way? Here she is, in my arms, with sand everywhere, finally distancing herself from her stupidly, perfect little world of respectability, yet why doesn't she feel butterflies in her stomach? Why doesn't she understand, right now, when we’re in each other's arms under the stars, that we're all we need?
She takes my breath away.
"Again," she whispers against my lips without pulling away.
"What?"
"The song...play it again."
She makes me laugh. Her bossy attitude makes me say no, just out of spite.
"Please," she whispers, her accent turning me on.
"Nope, sorry. Once is more than enough." I'm doing it on purpose. I want to see if she'll insist or back off.
"Just once..." She runs her tongue over my lower lip and grinds her hips against mine. Ah, big mistake. She must have noticed how I've avoided our bodies touching there and there’s a pretty good reason why.
"Nope, no way. We'll listen to another one." I press the shuffle button and 3 Doors Down start playing.
She rubs herself lightly on top of me and licks my ear. The pressure of her body excites me immediately and turns my brain to mush. I can be a real asshole when I want, but she's no pussycat either.
She pulls an earbud from my ear. "Please, Ben, just one more time."
She nibbles at my ear lobe and bursts out laughing when I push her away. I’m laughing, too, because the only alternative would be to fuck her in public.
"You're bad! Are you trying to corrupt me by caressing yourself over me like a cat in heat?"
She shrugs innocently. "Is it working?"
I laugh again. "Of course it is!" I grab her neck and kiss her so hard that she can hardly breathe. "But if you carry on like this I'm going to have to play that song again and you're going to have to spread your legs for me in gratitude."
A flash of desire lights up her eyes, almost as if she wants to say yes.
This time she kisses me as if it were the last time on earth. "I won't spread my legs but you can apologize for being such an ass by letting me hear that song again." She covers my face and neck in thousands of tiny kisses. She's won. There's no need to say it out loud.
I run my finger over the screen without her noticing. The music changes and “Hunger” starts again.
Cat stops for a second and looks at me with satisfaction. Before she pops my earbud back in she whispers, so softly that I can hardly hear it, "Thanks, I love it."
And I love her, which means I'm totally fucked.
22
I hate Tuesdays. The Marketing and Communication Skills seminar is a nightmare. The professor has such a strong British accent that I only catch a third of what he's saying, which makes life impossible. My classmates have trouble understanding him, too, which makes me feel authorized to complain for the whole two hours. My only consolation is that, once this torture's over, the Thanksgiving holidays start: six whole days of rest and relaxation.
Jessica's practically forced me to spend the holiday at her parents house, together with her family and the Carters, at Daytona Beach. I know it was Benjamin who asked her, also because Jessica may be a good friend, but with everything she has on her mind right now, I doubt she wants me underfoot when she could be enjoying some family-time.
So, we're taking off for Daytona Beach tomorrow after lunch and the plans for this mini-vacation is to stuff ourselves silly on turkey until Saturday. How am I going to tell them I think turkey, unless it comes pre-sliced from a deli, sucks?
I get distracted for the hundredth time and now I have no idea what they're talking about. Graphs and charts are beginning to pile up in my head and ciao! Perhaps I should ask Mark to give me a hand. If the idea behind these seminars was to help us prepare for the exam, well, it’s not working.
I glance at my iPhone, disappointed to see that Ben hasn't been in touch today either. After spending two hours kissing on the beach last Saturday, and listening to that song on repeat about sixty times, he took a step back, left me the space I asked for and poof...disappeared.
Okay, I'll admit it. The idea of giving each other space was my idea. Bad idea! Terrible idea! But I never thought he'd go along with it. Damn! He always does the exact opposite of whatever is expected of him and this time he decides to listen? And the most ridiculous thing is, not seeing him or hearing from him makes me feel worse than I thought possible. Every time I look down at my iPhone, I could kick myself.
I don't want him to give me space. I want him to pressure me, push me beyond my limits. I want him to be pushy and, most of all, I want him to give me the courage to leave Leonardo.
It's not going to be easy to look him in the eyes and say goodbye but Ben's right: I could have said no and pushed him away, but I made my choice and the road I took has a sign as big as a movie screen with his name written across it.
"What are you thinking about?" Mark's voice startles me.
I don't have the nerve to say 'Your brother. Why doesn't the asshole get in touch?' I shrug. "That I don't understand a thing."
"If it's any consolation, neither do I." He scribbles something in his notebook and frowns. Great. If he has no clue about class, then I'm screwed.
"Will you give me a hand to go over these charts tomorrow morning before we leave?"
He squeezes my knee and leans in close. "Sure, Cat-Babe. Whatever you want." His grin makes me want to hug him and tell him he's one of the sweetest people I know. "Have you heard from Ben?"
I sit up straight and shrug, trying to look indifferent. "No."
He glares at me from the corner of his eye to see if I'm telling the truth. "He left home early this morning, but I don't think he ever reached Campus."
The idea of Ben skipping class is inconceivable, that nerd is worse than me.
The professor clears the board and begins to explain some
thing else. I try to focus, but if I could understand half of what he's saying, it would be a start.
When I can't take it anymore, I leave the classroom, ignoring Mark and the group of people that gather around him at the end of class and head for my car. While I wait for him, I take out my iPhone, run through my playlist, and select “Losing my Mind” by Daughtry, which seems entirely appropriate right now. I lean back against the door of my Jeep, absent-mindedly watching the comings and goings in the semi-deserted college parking lot. I immediately spot Ben's car parked near the side entrance. I look closer and freeze when I realize that he's inside and he's not alone. I try to look the other way but it's useless. What the hell is he up to?
I climb into the driver's seat and crouch under the wheel, making sure he can't see me. My heart literally stops when his passenger door opens and Casey, with her wonderful, silky-smooth hair, gets out. My first thought is: he's leaving her, he's telling her about me. But then I notice her broad smile, the sensual way she plays with her hair, and how she leans forward to give him a perfect view of her huge tits...and if I can see them this far away, there's no way he missed the show.
My stomach tightens and I’m invaded by a mixture of jealousy and hatred.
If he thinks, even for one second, that I'm going to sit here as good as gold, then he can think again! Well, that doesn't mean I'm going to storm over there and demand an explanation either. But I’m definitely going to turn my back on him and drive off. Yes, That’s my plan: I'm going to ignore the hell out of him.
But ignoring the situation and pretending it didn't happen doesn't stop my insides from knotting. I can barely move, I'm short of breath, and I can't stop shaking.
Why was he in the car with Casey?
The passenger door opens wide and I didn’t think it was possible, but my heart leaps even further into my throat.