by Valentina F.
"Cate, I can't survive another month without you. I need you."
His anguish breaks my heart, because the next time I see him will be to tell him I don't love him anymore, while all this time he's just waiting for me to come home.
I don't think I'll ever have the courage to do it.
We stay on the phone another five minutes and when I hang up I bury my face in my pillow to stifle the sound of crying.
It takes two layers of concealer to mask the blotches around my eyes and red nose, and a pint of eye drops to stop my eyes looking so bloodshot.
Jessica knocks on my door and I tell her to come in. She's changed her clothes and her long, blond hair is down. "Do you need another ten minutes?" she asks, when she sees I still haven't unpacked.
"No, don't worry. I'll change later, before dinner."
"Have you been crying?"
"I had a fight with Leonardo." I sit down on the bed, my arms folded over my chest, my head bowed. "He knows something's wrong and it scares him to death...I feel so guilty."
Jessica sits down next to me and puts her arm around my shoulders. "Can I be honest?"
"Please, be brutally honest." I lift my head and look at her. Her beautiful blue eyes fill with tears. She's one of those girls who cries over everything, not in a childish way, but because she doesn't hold back her emotions and expresses them in tears.
"Ryan doesn't love me anymore, we both know that, but he doesn't have the balls to leave me and I love him too much to decide for him. The situation's becoming ridiculous and both of us are hurting. I wish I was stronger, that I could leave him, but it wouldn't be fair. If he doesn't love me anymore, he should man up and face the situation, regardless of how I feel, of how much he's going to hurt me, or what problems I have. He's cold, distant. There’s no connection between us even when we're in bed, but he doesn't have the courage to end it. And you're making the same mistake with Leo. You take advantage of the fact that you're so far apart and keep telling him everything's okay, but he knows it's not. If you don't love him anymore, leave him, by text, it doesn't matter how, just do it. I know it sounds brutal but, however you do it, it's better than playing silly games." She hugs me tight and I hug her back. "Look at us, two idiots!" She smiles through her tears as she wipes her nose with the palm of her hand.
"We really are! A gorgeous day like this and we are here crying over our boyfriends. Fuck them! Let's go overdose on chocolate cookies." I stand up and offer her my hand.
We leave my room but at the top of the stairs, Jessica suddenly stops, turns and looks at me, and whispers, "Cat, as much I sympathize with Leonardo, I want you to know I don't judge you. As for Ben...well, he has an enormous heart. He likes to pretend he's an asshole, but it's all fake. God forbid King Carter would ever let on that he's suffering because of a woman. I think you've really turned him upside down, but don't give in too easily. If he puts up a barricade, you put up a higher one, if he tries to make you jealous, you do the same to him. He'll give up much earlier than you think and then you'll know how much he cares." She takes my hand and we skip down the marble stairs, two at a time.
The Carter boys are sitting side by side at the large, oval table in the kitchen, fighting over Betty's cookies.
"Here you are, girls!" She gives us a dazzling smile and pulls a plate full of perfectly round chocolate chip cookies from the cupboard. "I had to hide them..." She glares meaningfully at the guys, who aren’t paying the slightest attention.
A woman in her forties is watching me over the top of her teacup.
She's obviously Ben and Mark's mother, the resemblance is embarrassing. Her eyes are green with turquoise flecks like Ben's and the little turned-up nose is an exact copy of Mark's. She sits there, her straight blond hair falling neatly over her shoulders, smiling conspiratorially behind her cup, as if she's just discovered God knows which secret.
"Mom, meet Cat, my girlfriend," Mark splutters before swallowing yet another cookie.
I blush immediately and freeze right in front of her, completely forgetting my manners.
I turn to look at Mark but my eyes meet Ben's, who rolls his eyes skyward. Make him jealous, that's what Jessica said.
"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Carter." I give her a firm handshake and flash my best smile, the one all mothers love.
"My pleasure, honey. Call me Jackie," and she pulls me in close for a hug.
Doesn't anyone just shake hands around here?
I stand up straight and run a hand through my hair. I hear a chair move and I'd bet my life it's Mark.
He slips an arm around my waist and gives me a loud kiss on the cheek, which embarrasses me even more. "Have you seen how gorgeous she is?" he asks his mother.
"Stop it!" I elbow him playfully and move out of the way.
Jackie and Betty laugh but I can't help noticing the look Jackie gives her eldest son, who still hasn't said a word, and is sitting to one side, lost in his thoughts.
"Cat, have you ever eaten stuffed turkey?" Betty's smile is contagious and I make a mammoth effort to avoid retching at the idea. I don't know how I'm going to get through the whole Thanksgiving lunch tomorrow.
"Never," I confess with a smile, trying to sound enthusiastic.
"Well, you're going to love it. No one cooks a turkey like Betty." Mark hugs me again and I want to strangle him.
"Thanks! What's mine? Chopped liver?" Jackie exclaims, pretending to scold her son. "Ben, say something."
I hear him push his chair back and stand up. He walks over to his mother and puts a hand on her shoulder, then leans forward and gives her a tender peck on the cheek. My stupid heart skips a beat. "Mom, you can do many things, but roasting turkey isn't one of them."
Everyone bursts out laughing and Jackie pouts playfully. "Ungrateful brats."
"What's your favorite dish, Cat?" asks Betty. "What does your mom cook for you? She's Italian so she must be a wonderful cook."
The air gets stuck in my throat. I should be used to questions about my mother by now, it's not like I walk around with a sign saying, ‘Motherless child, please don’t ask about her.’ Mark squeezes my side and rests his head on my shoulder. "To tell the truth, my father is the cook in our house." I hope my answer will satisfy their curiosity, I really don't want to embarrass my host.
Ben interrupts, "Ladies, thanks for the tea and cookies, but we're heading on out now. Jess, Blond...Cat, you coming with us? We thought we’d hit the basketball courts, then check out the movies." He picks up his wallet, keys, and phone from the table and slips them into his pocket.
"Actually, Cat and I have things to do, girlie things...Mark, you're welcome to join us, obviously," Jessica says, sounding amused, and the subject of my mother is definitively closed.
"Mani-pedis? Well, now that you mention it..." Mark replies, not at all offended, but then again, when does he get offended?
Ben looks over at me for the first time and I can't help being drawn into those marvelous eyes that I've missed so much. As usual, my throat closes for a fraction of a second. He nods at me to follow him into the living room and leaves the kitchen.
"I'll go and get ready," I announce, following Ben into the next room.
I walk through the door and almost jump out of my skin when I see him behind the wall. He takes my hand and leads me along a short corridor. It's pretty dark and we only take a few steps, just enough to be away from prying eyes.
"I'm sorry about that question about your mother, I don't think Betty knows..." His eyes are mesmerizing, as if they shine with their own light.
"Don't worry, nothing's happened." I smile and am about to head back but he won't let go.
"How much longer are you going to punish me for Casey?"
And the Ben I know, who makes my heart tremble, is back in the room, straightforward and direct. Always, no matter what.
"Punish you?" I ask calmly, my hands on my hips.
"You know how I feel about these things. If you don't like something or need explanations, then
out with it, no sulking or silent treatment."
He's got nerve! I'm not sulking at all.
"I know what you're like and, obviously, if I didn't ask you, it's because I didn't need your explanations. And I'm not sulking!" My mouth says one thing but my heart's screaming the exact opposite.
"Okay, okay...so you don't want to know why I was with Casey?" He bites his bottom lip and his breathing becomes intense, a sign he's about to explode.
"You were with Casey so you're the one who has to come to me, not the other way around. You don't owe me any explanations, anyway. We're not together and you can do whatever you want." I step back and wish I could find the courage to walk away, leave him standing there like an idiot, but I don't and his eyes narrow to slits, which clearly means he's about to make a scene.
"I can do whatever I want? Please!" He shakes his head and smiles bitterly. "You can be such a snobby bitch when you want to, Cat. See you tomorrow."
He pushes past me, leaving me in the narrow corridor, feeling alone and empty. I didn't mean to treat him like that and I've no idea why I told him he can do whatever he wants. Because he can't.
Jessica and I borrow Betty's car and head to the mall. According to Jessica we’re in urgent need of manicures, pedicures, wax, and massages followed by retail therapy.
It's late November but the air is still humid and sticky, while the AC inside the mall is guaranteed pneumonia. I'm used to it now though. I untie my sweatshirt from around my waist and pull it on.
On the way to the beauty shop, we're stopped by two short girls, with incredibly blond hair and sun-kissed skin, "Jesssyyy!" they squeal, recognizing her from a distance, waving their bony little hands theatrically.
"Oh, shit," Jessica murmurs before greeting them, mimicking their voices as they run over. "Hiiiii!"
"We were just saying you must be somewhere around here...we saw Ben's car," one of them squeaks.
Just hearing his name on the lips of this stupid bottle-blonde annoys me.
"Yeah, we got here a couple of hours ago." Jessica continues to march toward the beauty shop, forcing them to trot along beside us.
"I heard from Rachel. Apparently she has a date with Ben tonight."
My blood freezes in my veins and I spin around to look at her. The hell?
"Yeah, sure. When will she realize he's just playing with her? Always has, always will..." Jessica replies angrily.
The girls don't back down and now they're making me angry, too. "Well, I heard he was still single." Blonde Number Two nudges her friend and Jessica finally comes to a halt.
"Girls, it's been seven years. Get over it. Ben has never been interested in you and he never will be." She’s so scathing I want to hug her.
"Come on, Jess. Give the jealous big sister act a rest, why don’t you?" Blonde Number One says bitchily.
Jessica smiles slyly. Oh, no. What's she going to say now?
"I can't wait to see you tonight. The humiliation when you throw yourself at Ben and he sends you off with yet another kick in the ass." She has her hands on her hips and she's at least a head taller than them. "If you want to know, Ben is seeing someone and she's in town right now. Believe me, you don't stand a chance."
I feel a hole forming in my stomach and hope she doesn't drag me into the conversation.
"Ben? Yeah, sure he is." Blonde Number One straightens her back and smirks sarcastically. "We'll see...I'm dying to see this 'girlfriend' of his. You're running out of excuses for keeping him close, sweetie."
They walk away before Jessica can reply, thank God! I don't think I've ever met such bitchy girls. It wasn't so much what they said but the way they looked at her, with their fake smiles and that fearless glimmer in their eyes.
"Damn! I can't stand them!" Jessica fumes. "It's the same old story, every time we come home. Tonight, when they see you with him, they're going to die."
"I'm not his girlfriend and, if you really want to know, we had a fight earlier. He told me I'm a snobby bitch..." I frown in irritation.
Jessica laughs loudly. "Wow, you really know how to piss him off!"
We walk into the beauty salon and are led over to two huge armchairs. Four girls walk over with nail polish color samples and Jessica chooses the kind of fluorescent yellow I'd never wear even for joke while I opt for an intense, bright fuchsia. We each have two girls working on us, one on our hands and the other on our feet. The chair is comfortable and relaxing and for once, the AC is at a reasonable level.
"So, what did you say to make him go ballistic?" Jessica asks curiously, lying back, her eyes closed.
"That we're not together and he can do whatever he wants..." I tell her everything, down to the last detail. I know our conversation by heart, it's been echoing furiously in my ears since Ben stormed out of her house.
She laughs again. "Poor Ben!"
"What if he goes with Rachel tonight?"
Her eyes fly open and she looks at me like I'm stupid. "He won't! He wouldn't risk losing you." She closes her eyes again and relaxes. Lucky for her. I'm about to throw up my cookies and tea.
How can she be so sure? All we do is fight and if I carry on treating him like this, I'll win the 'Bitch of the Year' award.
25
I get a text from Jessica asking if she and Blondie can join us tonight. I'm so angry with Cat, I want to say no. If she doesn't care what I do, why does she want to come?
I run downstairs to the kitchen. My mother is loading the dishwasher with the dinner plates and I grab the last piece of bread from the basket. I'm not hungry, just nervous.
"So, Cat’s your brother's girlfriend?" she asks as soon as I set foot in the kitchen, without even turning around.
"Yeah, sure," I snort and sit down at the table making myself comfortable, my arms folded over my chest. I can see why girls take so long to get ready, but Mark? He's slower than Cat, Jessica, and Erika put together. Hours and hours just to adjust his hair.
"She's very pretty and seems like a nice girl."
"Yup," I reply distractedly, absent-mindedly playing with my phone.
"She doesn't seem Mark's type, though...not that your brother has a type...that boy’s going to give me gray hair one day."
"Mom, you want to know something? Just ask me."
She turns around, a sly smile on her face. "You know what I want to know. Jessica talks to her mom and her mom talks to me, so..."
Of course, Jessica loves to gossip, especially about my shit, and Betty isn't the kind of woman to mind her own business.
"I like her, but it's complicated, okay? She's going back to Italy in June, so it doesn't make much sense to take it further." My mother is the only person in the world I can't lie to, it's as if she can read my mind. "Oh, and her mom died when she was a kid, so could you tell Betty? I'd like to avoid anymore questions like this afternoon."
"I know, Mark told us before. We'll be careful." She concentrates on the plate she's rinsing but I know we’re not done. "Your brother seems very attached to her."
Almost too attached.
She's so exasperating! I bang my head noisily on the kitchen table and she spins around. "Mom, you're killing me, just get to the point," I say, my mouth pressed against the table. Since when do we chat about girls?
"Actually, I was hoping that, for once, you'd confide in me. If I want to know anything about you, I have to prise it out of your brother, which isn’t hard, or from Betty. Talk to me. You really like this girl, don't you? I can tell."
I let out a long sigh and sit up. Looking her straight in the eye, I say, "Sit down." It sounds almost like an order, but she doesn't waste time scolding me, she sits, waiting. "I really like her. But she...she's wary. She takes one step forward, then two steps back. The more I want her, the more she turns in on herself. She's leaving in a few months, anyway. Earlier, when we were over at Betty's, she said, quote, 'you don't owe me any kind of explanation, we're not together and you can do whatever you want.'" I smile sarcastically and wipe my forehead.
&
nbsp; Gosh, she really pissed me off.
"And what did you say?" She gets up and opens a bottle of red wine. She pours a glass for herself and takes a can of Coke for me from the refrigerator.
"That she's a snobby bitch," I blurt. Just the sound of my words makes me feel like an ass.
"Classy!"
"Yup. She makes me lose control. It's like she knows exactly what to say, what buttons to push, to make me angry. I don't want to do whatever I want, I want to be with her." I immediately regret it. My mom looks over at me like I'm an alien. Heart-to-hearts aren't really our style. "And, please. don't say anything to Betty, or she'll tell Jess and Jess will tell Cat and I'll look like a complete idiot, all over again."
"I'm shocked." She takes a generous sip of wine and stares at me, trying not to laugh. "I mean, I figured you liked her, but not that much."
I roll my eyes and I'm about to get to my feet, when she holds her hand out to stop me.
"Wait, can I at least give you some advice?"
"Shoot." I sit back down, staring at her.
"First of all, avoid phrases that include the word bitch.” Yeah, well, I'd figured that out by myself! "Second, just tell her how you feel and keep a hold on your damn temper. Be romantic, be patient, let her know, that no matter how long it lasts, it's worth her while."
"Shit, Mom!" I burst. "Do you even know me? You think I haven't already done that?" She lifts an eyebrow, unconvinced. "I took her down to the beach in Tampa and played her what must be the world's sappiest song, right there, under the stars. Shit, how romantic do I have to get?"
She opens her mouth and lets out a loud guffaw. Her eyes fill with tears and she can't stop laughing.
"Thanks! As if I didn't feel stupid enough!"
She can't catch her breath. She's laughing so much that, in the end, her laughter is catching.