by Valentina F.
It's past ten when the guys finally walk on stage and, as usual, the crowd goes wild when they see them.
Mark gets them going and I hear a series of whoops and shouts, as the room fills with their applause. I immediately get goose bumps and, as always, my eyes are glued to Ben.
Sarah's squeaky voice is the only thing that can distract me from his beautiful face for more than a second. "Girls, it's a dream come true!" she squeals. "I don't know how I'll be able to sing with him and not fall head over heels...shit, I already have!" She thinks she's being funny and laughs, but the only one who's paying any attention is her friend.
I glare at her and realize my three friends are doing the same.
"Bad idea, Sarah.” Jessica smirks, bitchier than ever. "First, if Ben hears you, he'll kick you out of the band before you're even in it and, second, take it from me, he only has eyes for Cat."
My heart stops and my mouth gapes open. "Jess!"
She shrugs and I see Abby and Erika giggling.
"It's true, no?" She turns to Sarah. "Get over it, sweetie, he's already taken and if I see you sniffing around, the only band you'll be in is a rubber one!"
I should feel shocked and embarrassed but I have to laugh, too. Sarah turns bright red and, for once, I don't care if she feels bad. I don't know if Jessica was right, if I'm the only girl he's interested in, but I'll pull Sarah’s hair out, one by one, if she even tries to get near him.
The guys start with “Here Without You”, by 3 Doors Down. I recognize it instantly, from the first bars of the intro, which is surprising; before I set foot in the States, I couldn't stand that kind of music. I've never heard them play this song before however, they usually start with something more rock.
Ben looks at me as he sings, a slight smile on his lips. He's so good looking he doesn't seem real. His hair falls sexily over his eyes and I stare back, hypnotized. He brushes his fringe away with the back of his hand and he's perfection itself. Last night he was mine... in the dark, all mine.
His voice is perfect, his hands glide expertly over his electric guitar, and he exudes a confidence that explodes inside me like a bomb.
What am I supposed to do now? Confess how I feel and hope he feels the same? I'll never find the courage, but what happened last night has certainly changed everything. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to be with me, I can't lie to myself any longer. I'm in love with him and I have to put the past behind me.
Mark introduces the second song: “Monster You Made Me”, by Pop Evil. I smile, thinking of all the times I've listened to that song in my room over the last three weeks. We continue to look into each other's eyes, almost hypnotizing each other, and it hurts so much.
I almost choke on my Coke when Mark announces the next song. It's “Breath”, my favorite song by Breaking Benjamin, and Ben knows it. I was listening to it that day at Daytona Beach, when we almost ended up in bed together, and all the way back home afterward. I even wrote words from it inside his Christmas card. He's never sung it before, he always said it was too difficult, that he didn't think he could reach the high notes, but it sounds wonderful. His voice is clear and perfect, so sensual that it gives me goose bumps. He closes his eyes for a moment, opens them again just before he starts the chorus, then looks straight at me: 'You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be…' The same words I wrote in his Christmas card...
Kris was right. I do like this concert. And I love the fact that Ben's never taken his eyes off me. We spent all these months hurting each other, and now we're thirty feet apart and I feel closer than ever.
I glance down at my watch. It's ten thirty and I have to go.
Jessica grabs my arm. "Another couple of minutes, please."
"Jess, I have to get to the supermarket for my father’s things before it closes at eleven, I really can't stay."
Jess squeezes my arm and looks over at the stage. "You're going to want to hear this."
45
It's the moment of truth. It's now or never. I glance over at Ryan and he nods, then steps from behind the keyboard and joins me up front. I hand him my guitar and, my legs weak, slowly take his place at the keyboard. I stand here, unable to look up. From the corner of my eye, I see Ryan and Mark take their acoustic guitars from their cases and sit on two stools on either side of the stage. I move the keyboard, placing it center stage, facing Blondie.
I made the guys rehearse this piece so much they're probably sick of it. We should have played it as Cat's birthday present, but that was before she made me so angry, almost driving me crazy with jealousy. Before her boyfriend flew in and screwed things up. We haven't played it since then.
Silence descends over the bar and all I can hear is the odd, astonished murmur and it's easy to see why. They're wondering what we're doing, why I'm at the keyboard. Why Ryan's holding a guitar. Kris clears his throat and I finally look up. My eyes meet Cat’s beautiful, intense, yellow ones and all I can see in them is confusion. She knows I never play the piano in public, not since I gave it up and dedicated myself to other things. Jessica's next to her, grinning from ear to ear. For once she doesn't look like she wants to gouge my eyes out.
I set the keyboard to piano mode and lean in close to the mic. As much as I hate doing it, it's my turn now. I've come this far, I have to see it through. "We're going to try a new piece tonight. It's a little experiment which I'd like to dedicate to a very special person. Blondie..." I raise my head and, it sounds absurd, but her shocked expression helps calm me down. "Happy Birthday...sorry it's a little late!"
I glide my fingers over the keys, focused like never before because this time it has to be perfect. For her, I will be perfect. Because Cat, my little Blondie, deserves everything I have to offer.
One look and I can’t catch my breath
Two souls into one flesh
When you’re not next to me
I’m incomplete
I sing our song, the one I played for her on the beach, the one she listened to on repeat in her bedroom after yet another of my temper tantrums. Ross Copperman's “Hunger” will help me get her back.
The audience is still silent, but after a couple of verses, some of them, girls mostly, join in. Ryan, who has a beautiful voice, much better than mine, sings along on the chorus, giving a whole new nuance to the song.
I look at her again. I just can't take my eyes off her and I catch her wiping her index fingers along her eyes. We're only halfway through when she gets up and starts saying goodbye to her friends. She can't leave until I've finished singing, she can't. She hugs Abby, then Erika and finally, Jessica, turns to Mark and blows him a kiss then, without even giving me a second glance, heads over to the exit. I'm stunned. Where the hell is she going? Can't she wait a couple minutes, let me finish the song? I have one more thing to tell her and she needs to listen. I watch her back as she weaves through the crowd toward the door and want to jump off stage. She says goodbye to Ron then, when she gets to the door, she stops. She stands still for a second then turns around, her eyes fluorescent in the spotlights. She smiles and that’s when my brain short circuits. She leans back against a wall and folds her arms across her chest, tilts her head to one side, and bites down on her bottom lip. I've never seen her look so beautiful.
I don't know what makes me do it, but at the last moment I change the words. I sing, 'look into my eyes and say you love me, too, like I love you', substituting 'want' with 'love' and the moment I do it, my heart stops. I've never told a girl I love her before, not even Maddy, because something inside me always held me back.
But with Blondie...yes, I love her. I love her so much I want to shout it out to the whole world, all day, every day. I'm crazy about that spoiled brat with the wildcat eyes, the slender body, and the wonderful blond hair that always smells of fruit.
Her eyes open wide for a second, then she frowns to hide her smile of satisfaction. She shakes her head a couple of times, mouths 'bye' and she's gone, thirty seconds before I'm done si
nging, leaving me on stage, with no chance of running after her.
My voice cracks on the last verse but it's over, thank God. I wait politely for Mark to introduce the rest of the band, but I'm too agitated. I stand up, giving him a tight smile, telling him to wind it up. Mark has other ideas, however. He thanks the audience for their support, then Ron for letting us play. When he wishes everyone Happy Holidays, I'm ready to explode. I walk over to the steps, trying to make a nonchalant getaway, but my brother's a prick and he wants to thank the whole damn world. I'm tempted to throw one of my shoes at him. What part of "Cat's just left, for God's sake, hurry up!" doesn't he get?
As soon as he shuts up and I see Kris stand up from behind the drums, I race out of the bar, ignoring the cheers of the crowd, pushing the door so hard it crashes against the wall with a thud. Note to self: apologize to Ron for damaging his property.
I look around but can't see her anywhere and her car is gone. I run over to mine and turn on the engine, then call Mark on my cell. "Take care of my guitar, will you?"
"Where are you going?"
I hang up without answering. Where does he think I'm going? I call Blondie but there's no reply. I slow down, I'm going way too fast and risk losing control and ending up against some tree. Damn! Why’s she not picking up? I call again, letting it ring until voice mail kicks in. I'm almost at her house now, and my heart's beating so fast I think I'm going into cardiac arrest.
Her Wrangler's not in its usual place and my anxiety level soars. Where the hell is she? I park outside her house and hit the ground running.
Without even knocking, I use my set of spares to open the front door.
"Cat?" No answer. I run down to her room and at the sight of her suitcase by the door, I let out an enormous sigh of relief. For a moment I thought she'd gone straight to the airport. I go through to the kitchen but she's not there either.
I don't know where she is, but she'll have to come back and, when she does, she'll find me waiting.
I turn the house lights off and sit down on the front step, leaning back against the door, trying to breathe. If we carry on like this, Cat will be the fucking death of me. I put my head in my hands and tell myself to calm down, repeating it like a mantra.
It must be about thirty minutes later when I'm blinded by her car headlights. I slowly raise my head and see her motionless in the driver's seat, the engine still running. I get to my feet and she finally climbs down from the car, carrying a couple of shopping bags.
"What are you doing here?" she asks, her voice sensual, her accent driving me crazy each time she speaks.
"Where have you been?" I can't hide my concern.
Blondie holds up her shopping bags. "My dad asked me to get a few things, and I left it till the last minute, obviously. The market closes at eleven so I had to hurry."
I feel my heart thudding in my chest. "You didn't run away, then?" I have to clear my throat, there's a lump stuck in there that's suffocating me.
"While you were singing our song? I don't think so." Her cheeky smile has a relaxing effect on me.
"We have a song?" I tease, closing the distance between us and taking the heavy bags from her hands.
"That's what I heard." She bites down hard on her bottom lip. "You changed the words. You said 'love' instead of 'want'. You said I love you!" Her eyes open wide and she stands there, motionless, looking me in the eye, making my stomach twist.
"Did I? You sure about that?" Why am I mocking her? I guess that's what we do, we push each other's buttons, and it feels so intimate and personal, I find it much more satisfying than I should.
"Positive," she retorts, but her voice falters on the last consonant. She's so damn beautiful. "Well, I think you did. You did, didn't you?" Her cheeks turn pink and she looks like a child.
"If I did, then it must be true. Of course, I love you." Then the whole world crumbles around me, but in a good way, as if the exact same moment I spoke those words, the universe exploded around us. I love her, I know that now, and it's the most powerful feeling in the world.
I didn't think it was possible to want someone so intensely, so much that you want to make them the center of your life. It always seemed improbable, ridiculous even, yet here she is, with her open, honest face and that sexy red lipstick, rolling her eyes. My little Blondie, the center of my universe, the only woman who makes me want to be a better person and give the best of myself. I'll always protect her.
I don't care if she replies or not, I just want to kiss her. I take a step forward and she throws her arms around me so hard she almost knocks me over. She kisses me, thrusting her tongue into my mouth and instinctively, I take her in my arms. She wraps her legs around me and I walk toward the door with her clinging to me, thankful I left it unlocked.
We enter the house in the dark and I sit her down on the dining room table. Maddy would have a fit if she knew what I was about to do to Blondie on her precious table.
Her tongue flicks against mine and I drop the shopping bags on the floor, hoping there's nothing breakable inside. I touch her all over, my hands rough, and I want to lick her from head to toe. I slip my hands under her skirt and she's wearing a tiny thong, which I pull off. I always figured they must be pretty uncomfortable, anyway. She runs her hands over my ass and pulls out the wallet I always keep in my back, right-hand pocket, dropping it down on the table. Her hot breath fills my mouth and I don't want to take my lips off hers ever again, but I'm dying to stick my head between her legs and it doesn't matter how much she resists me, I want her now and I'm going to get what's mine. Cat. All of her.
I unwrap her hands from around my neck and slide my fingers between her legs. I have to bite my tongue to keep from shouting out the filthy comments that fill my head. I don't know if she's ready to hear such things spoken out loud, if she'll be happy to know that she's so wet, just the touch of my fingers on her exited skin, makes me want to come. I lay her down on the table and damn, she lets me do it.
I've never been with a girl who's so smooth down there before and I have to take a deep breath to calm down. I spread her legs then dive on her, licking her, eating her, as if I've been fasting for a lifetime. She's so sweet, so...perfect.
Blondie writhes beneath me and I grip her hips tightly to keep her still. With every moan of pleasure, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and every time she moans my name I bear down on her even more.
Just kissing her is divine and I'll never tire of exploring her silky, smooth skin, so hot and beautiful...
I slowly run my tongue over her most sensitive parts and she arches her hips toward me. I don't have to ask if she likes it, her body tells me everything I need to know, but it takes all my strength and powers of concentration to avoid pulling away from her and asking if she's enjoying it, if she likes the way I slip my tongue inside her, sucking her mercilessly. I don’t want to shock my little princess, I need her to relax and let herself go, so that she comes for me, with no sense of shame.
"Ben..." She's gasping hard now, almost breathless, and I feel her contract against my mouth. God! I'm so turned on, I want to yell and scream, too. I'm ready to now. I gently pull away from her thighs and wait for her to breathe regularly, then help her sit upright again, her eyes shining like two fireflies in the night.
She peels my shirt off and passionately kisses my chest, working her way up to my neck, then slowly lapping at me with her tongue as she makes her way back down, sending shivers down my spine. She unbuttons my jeans then, after a few seconds, pulls them down, till they’re crumpled on the floor on top of my sneakers.
Her hands slip inside my boxers, never taking her eyes off my mouth. Making out her expression in the semi-darkness, with only the dim light of the streetlamps for illumination, is as exciting as hell.
She massages me with slow, firm movements, until I'm almost at my limit. "Blondie, we need a bed."
She glues her lips to mine and tightens her grip on my cock. "Mmhh-hh," she murmurs between my lips, and pulls down my
boxers, leaving me naked in front of her, while she's still decidedly overdressed for my tastes. As if she's read my mind, she pulls down the side zip of her bodice, freeing her breasts as the skimpy piece of fabric falls to the floor.
"Cat! Bedroom, now!" I can't move, however. Her hand is between my legs, moving fast, up and down, and it takes all my self-control not to explode. What is it you're supposed to do? Think sad thoughts? Well, they don't work.
I hear her searching through my wallet until she finds a condom. She's no longer touching me and I have time to catch my breath. She raises the foil wrapper to her lips and tears the top corner off with her teeth. I bite down on my lip, almost drawing blood, to stop myself from crying out.
"Mmhh-hh. I don't think we're going to make it in time.” Her voice is urgent, sensual.
She gazes at me, her expression strange, different. The look in her eyes is so determined, so intense, that I fall silent. She no longer looks like a stubborn, spoiled brat. She looks like a confident woman who has a pretty good idea what she’s doing. With the clear intention of putting it on herself, she pulls the condom out and my brain goes haywire.
I know she wasn't a virgin when we got together, but at the same time, the idea that she's done all this before and with someone else, that she knows how to put a condom on a guy, awakens the demon in me. I don't recognize the impudent look on her face and just when I'm about to ruin everything with some stupid joke, her eyes soften and she glances down at the condom in her hand for a couple of seconds.
"I don't think I..." she whispers softly. "Show me what to do."
I take her face in my hands and kiss her so hard I almost suffocate her. That's why people tell me to count to ten before I speak, because in those ten seconds the person in front of you could surprise you, amaze you so much, that you question everything. I'd never fully understood this before.
My little Blondie, who tries to act all grown up but is still an innocent creature. I'll teach her everything she needs to know, but she doesn't realize it's a two-way street. I can teach her how to put on a condom, but she's teaching me the biggest lesson: being naked in front of another person, without fear of being judged, without always having to rely on your own strength, asking for help when you need it.