Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  "Leo, you're hurting me."

  "Not as much as you're hurting me. What the fuck is this?"

  I jerk my arm away, hiding it behind my back, as if that’s going to work. I pull my sweater on and take two steps backward.

  "Tell me, Caterina! What the fuck's going on? Are you and he together?"

  Tears well up in my eyes. "Leo...."

  "Are. You. Together, Tata?" A tear rolls down his cheek and I feel like dying. "No, you can't be. You'd never do that to me, you're not that kind of girl."

  Yes, I am. I really am that kind of girl, low and selfish.

  I try to speak, silent tears running down my face, a lump in my throat that threatens to suffocate me. "I'm sorry..."

  He gets up and places his hands on my shoulders, shaking his head from side to side. "Tata!"

  I shut my eyes for a moment. "I slept with him."

  "No! It's not true." Leo strides up and down, his hands in his hair, his face a mask of pain, and it's all my fault. "You didn't! Tell me you didn't!"

  He shakes his head frantically, but I stand here in silence. He runs his hands over his face, his mouth, his eyes, then tugs at his hair again. "Were you sleeping with him when I came to Orlando?"

  "No!" I exclaim, summoning up what's left of my nerve and conviction. Why inflict more pain by telling him the truth? "It happened a few days ago."

  "Why? Why couldn't you wait until you got back? We could have worked things out." He grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me hard. "What the fuck have you done, Caterina? What the fuck have you done?" He's a raging beast and I'm afraid his shouts will attract the attention of the housekeeper. He turns his anger on the table, hurling plates and glasses to the floor, smashing everything.

  "Leo, calm down!" I wrap my arms around him from behind. "Please, calm down."

  "We can fix it, Tata. We can fix everything." His words pierce my heart as, shaking convulsively, he wriggles out of my grip.

  "No, Leo. No, we can't. I'm sorry. I don't deserve even one second of your love, but that's how it is. I told you I was confused and you gave me that ring, I told you I’d changed and all you could say was, 'We're not breaking up, so forget it.' You don't listen to me, Leo." I wipe away my tears and struggle to regain control of my trembling voice.

  "I don't listen to you because what you're saying doesn't make sense. You and I are together, we love each other." Another tear slips from his eyes and my legs go weak. "It was just a stupid mistake. You're in Rome now, and you're staying with me. We can work it out." He's babbling, even he doesn't know what he's saying.

  "What?"

  "You heard me. You're not going back. You'll stay in Rome and never see him again." He tugs hard on his hair. "We'll fix everything. Nothing 's happened."

  He's more shell-shocked than I thought. "It's got nothing to do with him. I don't..."

  He interrupts me. "Don't say it. Don't you dare say it."

  "Just for once, you have to listen to me. We're the problem. I don't love you anymore," I blurt, in a stream of words that lifts a weight off my heart.

  "It's not true. It's that bastard's fault. He's manipulated you. He's driven a wedge between us and you can't even see it."

  "He's got nothing to do with it."

  "Oh, yes, he has. Looking at me like that, challenging me, and now he thinks he's won, but he hasn't. He's a loser, he can't give you what I can. He's a nobody and you'll never be together."

  He lights another cigarette and wipes away yet another tear. He's so panic stricken he can hardly breathe and he slumps down on the swing. I take the cigarette from between his fingers and stub it out. He seizes me by the waist and buries his face against my stomach.

  "We can't break up," he sobs against my skin. "You're all I have."

  I stroke his hair and wait for him to calm down. After what feels like an eternity, at least half an hour, he looks up at me. His handsome face looks so lost it makes me wish with all my heart that we could go back in time and simply erase everything.

  "Promise me you won't leave and I'll forgive you. We can fix everything, Tata, we'll put it all behind us." His pleading expression is so upsetting that I don't understand anything anymore. I nod my head silently, not knowing what I'm doing.

  He stands up and holds me tight. He kisses me on the lips and his breathing becomes regular. "You're never going anywhere, ever again. We'll be together forever."

  It sounds more like a threat than a promise but I don't reply. I've never seen him so scared and upset and I'm sure that tomorrow morning he'll see things more clearly.

  "I'll take you to your room."

  He clings to me as I lead him to his bedroom, his nose firmly glued to my neck, slowly breathing in my scent. "Nothing happened, nothing happened," he repeats over and over, and I'm overcome with guilt again. How could I do this to him?

  His room is just as I remembered. There are photos everywhere, all neatly arranged. Photos of us, his friends, his parents, and his golf tournaments. There are shelves full of trophies and the cuddly toys I gave him over the years. He lies down on the bed and pulls me close until I find myself lying here, his chest pressed against my back. "Stay in Rome with me. We'll fix this. You can't leave me, ever. I'm the only one who can make you happy, who can give you what you need. Promise!"

  My tears flow silently down my face and I can't move. "I promise."

  I wait until he's asleep then slip out of his bed and make my way back to the terrace. Fortunately the housekeeper hasn't been out here. I start picking up the pieces of broken glass, careful not to cut myself.

  My tears are still falling and I don't know what to do or think anymore. Seeing him like this takes my breath away. Could I fall in love with him again? If I came back to Rome and got this ‘adventure’ out of my head, could I go back to how I was before? The weaker half of the couple, apparently, dragged along in the wake of Leo’s autocratic personality. The girl who always says yes, who keeps her head down, who makes promises she doesn't want to keep. The good girl, brought up to be the perfect wife of a count.

  I could.

  I shake my head.

  But I don't want to.

  51

  I arrive home with the heaviest of hearts. I promised Leo I wouldn't go back to Orlando, that I'd stay with him, and I hate myself for it. The light is on in the kitchen, which means my dad is working at his computer. He's probably been waiting up for me and he'll instantly notice the confusion and pain on my face.

  I dry my last tear and rub at the smudges of mascara under my eyes, not that it does any good. As soon as he sees me he'll know I've been crying non-stop for hours.

  "Ciao," I announce, entering the kitchen and sitting down in front of him.

  He's wearing the hideous glasses he only uses when he's at home, where no one else can see him. He says they were fashionable before I was born, but I doubt it.

  He doesn't even need to look at me to know that something is wrong. "What's happened?"

  "I had a fight with Leonardo." That's all he needs to hear. He closes his laptop and looks up at me.

  "You've been crying." I roll my eyes, amused. "Is this a chamomile tea conversation or a red wine conversation?"

  "More like a two gin and tonics conversation."

  He immediately looks concerned and, for some reason, I find it comforting. "I don't have any gin, how about tequila?" He’s smiling, but I can see he's tense.

  "Wine will do..."

  He gets up from his chair and opens the cooler where he keeps his special wines. Without batting an eyelid, he chooses a 1999 Brunello di Montalcino. He must have realized the situation is serious.

  Any euphoria I felt from this evening's wine evaporated hours ago. I sit back in my chair, working out just what to say. I've made such a mess of things, just where do I begin?

  He pours two glasses of cherry-red liquid and, with a calmness I've rarely seen before, sits back down at the table.

  "Do you want the short version or the long one?" I ask, smiling.
Just having him near makes me feel better. I feel protected and loved, safe in the knowledge that he won't judge me.

  "Start with the short one, don't keep me waiting. You look awful."

  "Thanks", I reply ironically. I let out a long sigh... "I cheated on Leonardo...with Ben."

  I pause for a second to see his reaction, but he doesn't bat an eye. Perhaps I should have begun with, 'I fucked Ben'. Bet I would have gotten my reaction!

  "Cheated? What do you mean? Define 'cheating'."

  "Do you want the details, Dad?"

  "I've been waiting years to open this bottle. We should let it breathe, it's an important wine...". He stares at the bottle ignoring me.

  "I had sex with him...lots of times!" I blurt, shocking myself. Shit? Is that the wine talking?

  "Caterina, good God! I'm your father. I don't want to hear these things. Couldn't you just say, 'I slept with him'?"

  "You told me to define 'cheating'." I draw imaginary quotation marks with my fingers and take another sip of wine.

  "I’m going to have nightmares all night now and, of course, I’m going to have to kill Benjamin."

  "Dad, I cheated on Leo and I told him," I reply. Whether I had sex with Ben or I slept with him, what does it matter? Cheating is cheating!

  "That was very honest of you. You showed more maturity than a lot of adults I know." He sounds calm, peaceful. He has no idea how serious the problem is.

  "Well, I didn’t mean to, he practically forced me to confess," I scoff.

  "What do you mean?"

  "I mean…now don’t get angry and don’t start talking about wine again," I warn, pointing my finger.

  He sniffs and motions for me to continue.

  "He wanted to…you know, do it…but I said no, that I couldn’t."

  My father looks disgusted and he claps his hands over his ears. "Blah, blah, blah. Stop talking about sex!"

  "All right, I won’t tell you then." I get to my feet but he stops me.

  "Okay, okay, just find another word. I’m your dear old dad, remember!"

  "That’s why you need to find a girlfriend, Dad. I need a woman around here, so I can talk about…certain things. "

  "Hey, I can be a fantastic woman, when I need to be!" he jokes, pointing his finger at me.

  "Do you want to hear what I have to say or do you want to tell the story?"

  "Okay. You cheated on Leonardo with Benjamin and he made you tell him. Did he leave you?"

  "No," I sigh in anguish. "Worse than that! He forgave me and asked me not to go back to Orlando, to finish my year at college here, and work things out with him." I raise my glass and down a mouthful of wine so fast I don’t even taste it.

  "Cate, these last three months haven’t been easy for Leonardo…"

  "I know, but…"

  He interrupts me. "Let me finish. He’s been through a rough time but your life is one thing, his is another. You’re only twenty. I don’t even remember the name of the girlfriend I had when I was that age."

  I tilt my head to one side in confusion. I’ll always remember Leonardo’s name. Even in fifty years’ time.

  "What I mean is, your life is now. Whatever you decide now will affect your future. Don’t make decisions based on feelings. Leonardo or Benjamin, it doesn’t matter. Is finishing your studies in the States important to you?"

  "Of course, it is. But Leonardo is…he’s really upset, how can I keep the two things separate?"

  "Close your eyes."

  "What?" I ask, perplexed.

  "Just close them." I do as I’m told. "What do you see?"

  I see my lovely, old car, sparkling white, its top down. The Marketing and Communication Skills class, full of students with their backpacks, their arms full of folders. My room with the pastel-colored carpet and the built-in closet. Jessica grinning, bouncing around the kitchen, her ponytail bobbing in time to her movements. Erika studying in her room, face down on the bed, the music at full blast. Mark creeping into my room without knocking, lying on my bed, his legs crossed at the ankles, his arms behind his head, while he tells me about his latest flame, who is definitely The One but never is. I see Jessica helping Erika straighten her hair, me, applying blush to Jessica’s cheeks, because she still hasn’t learned to put makeup on. Then we’re in the car heading to Eagles Bay for a night of Coca Cola and rock n’ roll, knowing that when we get home, we’ll lie out on the patio drinking shots of straight tequila which tastes awful but makes us feel grown up and free.

  When I close my eyes I see my friends, my house, my car, my college and him…

  Benjamin’s hands between my legs, his mouth on mine, exploring me. I see the fire in his eyes when he enters me with all the passion inside him and the explosion of pleasure he makes me feel. I see him, walking around my room, stark naked, digging in his trouser pocket for a condom. I see his hand, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, his broad smile and beautiful green eyes. Oh, God. Now I can’t see anything but his eyes, so green, so clear, and I see him begging me to go to Rome, break up with Leonardo, and come back to him. I see him wrapped in all his arrogance and the way he’s so relaxed on stage, singing with the voice of an angel, then dedicating that awful song to me for my birthday, the night he broke my heart, his eyes full of contempt and fear. His words the other night, still buzzing around my head forty-eight hours later. Then I see him sitting on the steps outside my house, his head in his hands in desperation. I can almost hear him as he whispers that he loves me like he’s never loved anyone else, while he looks deep into my eyes and says, his voice low, full of emotion, ‘Cat…choose me!’.

  "Okay," I ask, my voice faint. "I get it. So?"

  "You didn’t answer my question," my father insists calmly.

  "Do you want to know exactly what I saw? " I tease.

  "For God’s sake, no!" He shudders, before continuing. "I just want you to tell me the first thing that came into your head."

  I raise an eyebrow and smile.

  "If you can’t tell me the first thing, then the second, or if you can’t tell me that, tell me something that’s not going to damage my poor ears!"

  "I thought about Orlando, college, my friends and him...Ben."

  "I think you have your answer right there, sweetheart." His words are too much for me and my tears flow again, streaming silently down my face.

  "You told me not to make decisions based on my feelings," I sob, angrily wiping away my tears. Despite what Leonardo thinks, I’m not weak. I’m tough, I never cry, but it feels like I’ve done nothing but cry for the past month. What’s gotten into me?

  "Sweetheart, choosing Ben means choosing the freedom to follow your instinct. It might not last with him, or you might be together for the rest of your lives. But if you choose to stay in Rome because you feel guilty, you’ll regret it. You know it and so do I. It’s not Ben, the person, you’re choosing but college, your autonomy, your independence. You know how much I miss you but quite frankly, I’d rather know you there, building a future that excites you, than engaged to a guy you don’t love, settling for a life you were never cut out for. I saw the look on your face when you climbed into that junkpile of a Jeep. You looked like you’d been reborn, like you’d finally found your place in the world. That’s when I knew I’d lost you, that you were ready to leave your old dad and live your own life. I felt so proud of you."

  I can hardly see through my tears and there’s a huge hole in my chest, but he carries on regardless.

  "Leonardo isn’t right for you, sweetheart, and asking you to stay with him would be cruel. You’re not cut out to stay here. You’re like your mother, you need to see the world, find out what’s out there. Go, explore the world, fall hopelessly in love and find your true self, far away from these stereotypes. You want to be with Ben? Then, what the hell! Take the first flight back to Orlando tomorrow morning." He stands up and sits down next to me, wrapping his arms around me. "Now, enough of these tears. Give me a nice smile and promise me you’ll live your life to the fulle
st, and never be afraid to make mistakes."

  "But I feel so guilty," I whisper between sobs.

  "Because you fell in love with the good-looking boy next door, who drives a Mustang and wants to be an astronaut? Oh, sweetheart. There are much worse things to feel guilty about, trust me."

  The warmth of his arms fills my heart again. He’s the best father anyone could ask for.

  Of all the memories that could resurface right now, my brain chooses a distant one I never even knew I had, as if I wasn't sad enough already. It's my ninth birthday and my mother tiptoes silently into my room and wakes me. "Happy Birthday, darling," she whispers in my ear. I'm half asleep, a little disoriented. Is it morning already? I'm sleepy and don't want to go to school. Her fragrance envelops me; wild violets, the scent of her night cream and the incense sticks she lights around the house. By some cruel twist of fate, my grandmother chose the same flower for my mother's funeral and the smell I loved so much became my worst nightmare, the scent of death.

  I curl up next to her and ask how she is. I touch her cheek and it's wet with tears. I'm only a child, but I understand that something is wrong; every day she looks paler, Daddy is always sad, and my grandma wipes her tears and hides her face whenever I see her. She may be tired and thin but my mother is still beautiful, to me she’s the most beautiful mother in the world.

  She hands me a small, black velvet box and clicks on my nightlight. She speaks softly, perhaps the medicines she takes make her tired. I open the box and see her favorite charm, a white gold and ivory pearl globe, lying on a bed of white satin.

  "Caterina, I want you to listen very carefully and remember everything I'm about to tell you." Her voice is warm and clear. "We don't have much time, darling, but you're strong and you'll find your way in the world, even without me. Take care of Daddy while I'm away and live your live like there's no tomorrow. Make your own decisions. Take risks, make mistakes, explore the world, but always use your own head. Don't let yourself be influenced by others, follow your instinct, make your own rules, and never let anyone tell you what's best for you but, most of all, listen to your heart. If it beats fast, if it's so full of emotion you think it's going to burst, then that probably means the answers to your questions are right in front of you. Be strong, be independent. I love you more than life itself and I'll always be at your side. Wherever you are, I'll protect you...”