Crushing Misery

by Kinsey Taylor

  I drag the tree in, and Kennedy helps me push the tree into the stand while I hold it into place. I watch her, down on her hands and knees, screwing the posts into the tree.

  “I’m not strong enough for this, Corbin. I don’t seem to be doing much down here.”

  “You seem to be doing plenty for me.” I laugh.

  She turns looking over at me and smiles. Then she shakes her head at me.

  “Are you going to stand there ogling me, or are you going to help me?”

  “Get up and hold the tree, and I’ll screw in the posts.”

  We get the tree all situated and agree to decorate it another day. We are all exhausted; Ashlynn fell asleep on the couch watching us try to get the tree up and together.

  “You going to tell me what has you in a foul mood?”

  “I was kinda hoping you’d forget about it.”

  “Not a chance, babe. Spill.”

  “It wasn’t just the parents not watching their kids. I couldn’t stand listening to the husband talk to his wife the way he was, and I realized that’s what I let Troy do to Ashlynn and me. It just reminded me of my situation and made me realize how stupid I was for allowing it. I’ll never understand why I let it happen and why I stayed with him as long as I did.”

  I wrap my arms around her and kiss her on the forehead.

  “I’m sorry, Boss.”

  “Thank you for tonight, Corbin. It made me realize how all relationships are different. Our friendship means everything to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  Hearing the word friendship stings a little. I thought what we have is more, but maybe she doesn’t want that. We still sneak around to be together, and it is exciting. She says she doesn’t want Ashlynn getting the wrong idea about us, and I don’t argue even though I want to.

  “I need to ask you something. My sister has invited us to her house for Christmas Eve. Would you want to go with me?”

  “Can I think about it? I don’t know what we are doing yet. I know we are having Christmas dinner at my mom’s, and you are more than welcome to come. I don’t know how I feel about us meeting your family because I’m not divorced yet.”

  “No pressure, Boss. It would only be for part of the day and evening. We would drive back and do Christmas here together unless you want to stay at your parents’?”

  “Stop!” she yells, “Just stop! I don’t know what I want, all right? I don’t know anything anymore.”

  I watch as she storms off into her room. What just happened? I knock on her door, and she opens it with a tear-stained face.

  “I am going to bring Ashlynn to bed if that’s okay? I need to get to sleep myself.”

  “I’m sorry, Corbin. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m just so angry and confused.”

  “It’s alright. I’ll go get Ash and put her to bed.”

  “Okay, thank you.”

  For the next few days, I avoid coming home until very late. I think giving her some time to herself is maybe what she needs. I call my sister and tell her I will be there, but I’m still not sure if my guests will be able to make it. I walk through the front door, and Kennedy is sitting on the couch writing in her journal. It seems to be something she does every day. I wonder if she ever writes anything about me?

  “Hi.”

  “Hi. You’ve been avoiding me the past couple of days, haven’t you?”

  “Guilty. I thought maybe you needed some time to yourself.”

  “Corbin, this is your house, not mine. Please, don’t do that. I will just move back to my parents’ house and leave you alone. I’m sorry I’ve interrupted your life.”

  “Is that what you think, that you’ve interrupted my life? Not even close. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I’m not good at this relationship stuff and have only ever had one in my life, and I wasn’t good at it then either. I know sometimes I need time to myself, and I know you don’t get it enough like you should.”

  “I’m a mother; we put our kids and everyone else first. It’s just the way it is.”

  Silence.

  “You’re wrong! It has nothing to do with needing time alone. I got a call from Troy, and I missed my counseling session. I thought I would be okay just missing one day, but I was wrong. I’m sorry. I feel like I’m going nuts, and Troy’s call didn’t help.”

  “You see a therapist?”

  “Yes, every week since I was seventeen. I know you probably think I’m crazy, but counseling does help.”

  “I don’t think you’re crazy, Boss. It’s on Thursdays, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, why do you ask?”

  “You always have the same excuse, that you are running late and after the third or fourth time I thought you were just staying over at your parents’ to get a break from me.

  “Why would I need a break from you, Corbin?”

  He shrugs in response.

  “Wait. What do you mean Troy contacted you?”

  “He wants to see me.”

  “Are you going to visit him?”

  “Yes, I’m hoping to get him to sign his rights away to Ashlynn, and then this divorce will breeze on through. I need my life back, and I want this all behind me.”

  “I can understand that, but I don’t like it. I’m glad he’s in jail where he can be monitored. I don’t know, I guess I thought maybe you didn’t know how to tell me you needed some time away. I honestly thought it might upset you.” I laugh out.

  “That makes more sense now. I’m sorry you thought that. I didn’t know what you would think of me. I should’ve just told you.”

  “Kennedy, don’t ever feel you have to keep things from me. Trust me, I’m the last person to think you‘re a nut job. I come with my own baggage, too, you know.”

  That gets a laugh out of her.

  “I think that’s why we get along so well. We both bring plenty of baggage to this party,” she laughs.

  “I have to ask this because it’s coming up, and I need to let my sister know. You can say no, and there will be no hard feelings, I promise. Do you want to come with me to my parents’ on Christmas Eve?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. What will your family think of me? My divorce isn’t final yet, and we are, well, whatever we are.”

  “You don’t have to go. It’s okay. I’ll tell my sister they will only get me for the day.”

  I get up and walk to my room. She runs to me and grabs me by the arm.

  “Wait, Corbin. Look at me.”

  “What?” I turn and look at her.

  “You want us there, don’t you?”

  “Don’t worry about it. Forget I even asked.”

  “Why, Corbin? Why do you want us there?”

  “Because it will make it easier to bear, that’s why. Having you and Ashlynn around calms me. I don’t understand it, and I sure as shit can’t explain it; it’s just the way it is, okay?”

  “Okay. We would love to go with you. I’m sorry.”

  I stand there dumbfounded and stare at her like she’s lost her mind.

  “We don’t have any plans, and I did mention it to my mom. I just don’t want to be judged by anyone.”

  “I told them we are just friends, and who cares what people think. They aren’t living in our shoes, and they sure as shit haven’t been through what we have. What people think shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter to me.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Kennedy

  Corbin’s family isn’t what I expected at all. I can see how uneasy Corbin is. He doesn’t talk much at first, but Ashlynn and his niece, Lily, make that hard for him. His sister, Jennifer, is a sweetheart, and her husband, Thomas, is a doting husband and a great father. His mom, Karen, and dad, John are very accepting of us and don’t pry into what’s going on with Corbin and me. It is just a wonderful day.

  New Year’s Eve comes and goes without a fuss. We spend it together at Corbin’s home with party hats and noisemakers. Ashlynn makes it until around nine o’clock and then passes out. We spend the
rest of the night rolling around in the sheets, enjoying one another. We stay up to watch the ball drop and fall fast asleep wrapped in one another’s arms. Ashlynn catches us the next morning together in Corbin’s bed. I freak explaining to her we fell asleep watching TV together. I don’t think even at three she buys it.

  Troy keeps calling, and I finally agree to meet with him to see what he has to discuss with me. Maybe he wants to apologize. Who am I kidding? This is Troy I’m talking about. I think I will make this a little easier on myself, so I contact Detective Dennis in hopes she can accompany me on my visit with Troy. We make arrangements to meet up beforehand at a local coffee shop not far from the jail. His trial is about to start, and he is going to drag me through the mud alongside him.

  “Hi, Detective Dennis.”

  “Please, call me Ann, Mrs. Anderson.”

  “Only if you call me Kennedy, Ann.”

  “Deal.”

  “What do you want out of this meeting with Mr. Anderson, Kennedy?”

  “I’m hoping he’ll sign his rights away as Ashlynn’s father, so we can move the divorce along. I don’t want anything from him. I only want to secure he has no claims to her and put this all behind us. He’s dragging his feet, and I have something he wants in return.”

  “What’s that exactly?”

  “His freedom.”

  “Please don’t tell me you’re dropping the charges against him?”

  “I won’t have to if I make sure the charges of assault against Samuel are dropped and he takes what’s on the table by the prosecutor. He will receive time served and will be released but still charged for what he did to me. He gets a slap on the wrist and will be back defending assholes like himself once again.”

  “I’m surprised you’d want to do that. Especially, after everything he put you through.”

  “Ann, he’ll have a record. So next time he won’t get off so easily, and knowing he’ll still have his job to go back to, I think he’ll go for it. I have to try; I’ll do anything to keep Ashlynn safe. You do at least understand that, don’t you?”

  “Yes, I can relate. I have a son for whom I would do anything to protect, but can I ask how you are going to pull this off?”

  “It’s already set up as long as he signs the paperwork I brought with me. I’ve talked to my defense attorney, and I’ve been in contact with his boss who happens to know Corbin’s dad. Corbin doesn’t know anything about this, and I would like to keep it that way. When I was visiting on Christmas Eve at his parents’ home, I happened to see the header of some business papers that were lying out. When Corbin was outside playing with the kids, I took that time to talk with his father. He told me he knew who I was as soon as I walked in the door. I got his number off the paperwork and contacted him. After discussing it at great length, he agreed he would take him back under a different firm. He even apologized to me for what the asshole had put us through.”

  “Wow, you covered all your bases, didn’t you?”

  “I sure hope so, if I plan to pull this off.”

  “I’ll go inside with you…”

  I cut her off.

  “No, I’m going in alone. If you go in with me, this won’t work. I have a few things I would like to say. I’m doing this for Ashlynn as well as for myself. I need to move on from this, and the only way I can think to do just that is lay it all out and say my piece.”

  “Okay, I sure hope you know what you’re doing. I want you to know I’m very proud of you for being so unbelievably brave. You’re different than the fragile woman you were the night we first met. Fingers crossed this all works out.”

  “Thank you, Ann, and thank you for everything you’ve done for us. Having you here with me is really a help in keeping me moving forward with this.”

  “Kennedy, you can do this all on your own now. I think you always could; you just never believed it. Now, look at you.”

  The drive over to the jail is daunting, but holding the fighter I know is inside is helping me stick to my guns. The walk down the long hall to the room is drawn out and seems to go on forever.

  “You ready?” Ann questions.

  “As ready as I’m ever going to be.”

  “I’ll be right here watching through this window the whole time, and he will be cuffed to the table so he can’t hurt you.”

  I nod in response. I take a glance into the room, and there he sits. You can do this, Kennedy. You have to for both of you. I step into the room, and he glares up at me. First, it is a cold stare and then it turns almost warm and friendly.

  “You got me here, so what do you want?” I say sternly never breaking my voice.

  “You look different. You carry yourself differently. It’s because of him, isn’t it?”

  “I didn’t come here to discuss Corbin with you.”

  “Fair enough. I called you here because I caught wind you’ve been snooping around at the law firm, and someone said my name was brought up.”

  “What does that matter?”

  “What are you doing, Kennedy? What game are you playing?”

  I smile in response.

  “Here’s the game you are talking about.”

  I turn the papers over, so they are facing him. I watch as his eyes go wide, and he looks back over at me.

  “What are these?”

  “You’re a lawyer, I think you know exactly what they are.”

  “What do I get in return if I sign these?”

  “Your freedom and job, if you still want them. Yes, Troy, I’ve been to your firm and discussed at length with your boss about giving you your job back. I also went as far as getting my defense attorney to talk with your lawyers about a plea bargain.”

  “What? I’m not taking a plea bargain, you delusional bitch.”

  I lean forward almost in his face with a stern look. I push the fear down inside me and unleash my bitch face loose. “Oh, you’ll take it if you want any chance of getting out of here and getting the very thing you love most back.”

  “What exactly is that?”

  “Your job! It’s meant everything to you. You didn’t work your ass off and screw your way to the top for nothing. Didn’t think I knew these things, did you? I know way more than I ever let on, too.”

  I take a deep breath, never breaking eye contact. I want him to know I mean business and am not taking his shit anymore.

  “This is how this is going to go, Troy. You are going to sign your rights to Ashlynn over to me. You’re going to take the plea deal that’s on the table. And you’re going to get out of here and go back to the life you once enjoyed, without any distractions and complications. You’ll act as if we never existed. If you don’t, I will do everything in my power to make every day of your life just as miserable as you’ve made the last three years of Ashlynn’s and mine. That’s not a threat, Troy; that’s a promise. You made your bed; it’s about time you lie in it. You got me?”

  He sits staring over at me, and a cold malice look creeps back across his face, and then just as fast it disappears. He does something I would never have thought. He breaks eye contact with me and looks down at the table.

  “Where’s the pen?” he asks.

  I suck in a breath and sit up a little taller in my chair. The thought crosses my mind to bang on my chest like motherfucking King Kong. I have never felt so powerful. I push it over to him and sit back in my chair, never taking my eyes off him. He glances up one more time and signs it, not even reading the document in his hand. My smile broadens and refuses to leave from that moment on. He slides the papers back over to me, then the pen. I reach out to retrieve them, and his hand comes up and over mine. My head snaps up, and I hold his gaze. I snatch my hand away like he burned me. I stand, turn, and walk the short distance to the door without, looking back.

  The day of court comes and goes. I’m told that by my awarding him with everything, and since there is no question about the custody of Ashlynn, we will be divorced in only a few short months. I’m relieved because everything seems
to be falling into place. I can finally move forward to the next chapter of my life. I’m falling more and more in love with Corbin, but I’m terrified this will end at any time, or he will finally wise up and realize I’m not what he wants. I decide I will just enjoy our remaining time together as long as it lasts, but I know I’m still hiding from my past and open wounds. It is getting harder to suppress.

  The self-defense lessons are a confidence- booster like Corbin told me they would be. I try healing that part of myself, but I’m not addressing healing my past, and I’m not sure how to attempt to try. I’m writing in my journal every chance I get. I have already filled one full with poems and my day-to-day feelings. It is late, and I get up placing my book face down on the couch and walk to the bathroom. Corbin isn’t home yet, and I don’t expect him to be for another hour. When I return, I find Corbin holding my journal in his hands, and he looks to be reading it. I freeze in place. He turns towards me, and I see his confused expression. Shit! I know he has indeed read the last entry, a poem I had just written called “Blowjob.”

  “You wrote this, Kennedy?” he questions with a smirk.

  “Yes, why do you look so surprised? There are tons of poems about lots of different things and my many personal thoughts throughout those pages. You weren’t supposed to read any of my entries; they are for my eyes only. Not for sneaky bastards like yourself, who read other people’s private thoughts. My words are sacred and not intended for you.”

  Blowjob

  Pop, zip, boing

  Soft like silk, wet and sticky

  Hulking out, thick

  You leave me licking

  Swirls and sucks

  Deep, yet playful

  Strokes add moisture

  Slow, then fast

  Speed and forceful

  Thrusts slam hard

  Building, stiff, impatient

  Harder, harder you fall

  Suction, flick of my tongue

  In and out, round and round

  Bursts of semen

  Thick and milky

  Run down, down, down

  Swallowing salty goodness