“Kennedy, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”
I brace myself against the top of my dresser and let the pain wash over me, giving into it. I heave, crying out so loud. Mom grabs me, holding me tightly to her.
“Oh, Kennedy, what happened?”
“I’m in love with Corbin, Mom. I made up my mind last night after he finally shared his darkest secrets with me. I decided we both need to heal, and the only way I can do that is to get away… just Ashlynn and I. I’m going to go stay with Grams and Pops. I need to be free to find my way again… free to think my own thoughts, to feel my own feelings and not be held back… to explore and find what I want in this life. I lost my way. Hell, I lost who I am in my relationship and in my fear of Troy. I need to find what makes me happy again without any distractions. Can you understand that?”
“Oh, honey. Yes, yes, I sure can. Even though I will miss you and Ashlynn, I think this is the best idea. I love you, Kennedy. Dad and I will be behind you on this journey. As for you being afraid of loving Corbin? I can’t say I blame you, honey. You’ve been through so much in your young life.”
Sobbing even harder, I hold on to her like a lifeline.
“Thank you, Mom. I don’t know what I would do without you and Dad’s support. I’m not scared of loving Corbin, Mom, and I know it’s too soon, but I can’t hide those feelings. He’s been there for me through all of this.”
“Honey, look at me.”
I look up at her.
“He loves you. It’s written across his face every time you’re in a room together. Justeen said he hasn’t been out running around like he used to. I think you two are good for each other, but you’re right, it is very soon. Don’t take that as it being wrong. You can’t help what your heart wants and feels, Kennedy. What I’ve learned is your heart has a mind of its own. That boy loves Ashlynn, too. It’s beautiful to witness, dear. Dad and I doubted his motives at first, but we don’t anymore. He loves you and Ashlynn. I have no doubts about that.”
Corbin
I reach out next to me and feel the cold of the sheets where Kennedy usually lies. I roll over and look to the bathroom; the door’s open, but she’s not in there. Getting up, I pull on my basketball shorts and go search for her. She’s not in the living room. I walk down the hall to the guest room, and she’s not there either. Walking back into the living room, I look over at the dining room table and sitting there is an envelope with Corbin written across it.
Oh no.
This isn’t happening. She wouldn’t leave, would she? Walking over I pick it up and stare at it for a moment. Ripping it open in a panic, I hurry to find out what exactly is waiting for me.
Corbin,
My heart is aching as I write this letter. The loss of your presence is going to break my heart. The problem is that even though it will shatter my heart, I still need to leave and heal from all the loss and pain I’ve endured. You sharing your story and memories of Landry with me were huge for you and for me. Now I understand the dark sadness I recognize in the depths of your amber eyes; it’s like looking into my own. We are kindred souls who were dealt a shitty hand in life. The pain we’ve borne at such a young age drew us in and is now something I need to try and repair.
For so long, I’ve been running from my past, pushing it far away hoping it will never resurface. After what I experienced last night with you, not only did our hearts bond together but also our broken souls intertwined us into one. This will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I know if I’m going to be the mother Ashlynn so greatly deserves, the woman I so desperately want to become, I have to leave you and heal my heart, my mind, and also my soul.
This way, when we finally join together as one, our souls won’t crack, splintering away, ruining the very thing love has left to offer. No more questioning why you care, how your touch affects me or why every time you look at me I want to be enough for you. I need to know I’m enough for me first, and then I can offer up everything I have to give you. I don’t want to be the girl you want to always heal and protect. I want to be the one you want to share your life with.
I don’t expect you to stay faithful to me; I know I don’t have any right to ask that of you, and that would be selfish on my part. I will ask that you fight your demons and the ghost that has been haunting you for far too long. Make amends with it. You were an eight-year-old child, Corbin. Would you blame Ashlynn at such a young age for something similar? You know the answer to that and so do I. You were a very young boy and what happened is not your fault. Please go talk to someone and seek out help. You know I’m always here for you if things get too tough. I can’t use you as my crutch any longer.
These particular words I wrote in my journal stand out to me and I want to share them with you. ‘We wear our scars as badges of honor to remind us never to choose the same path twice and never to forget the obstacles we’ve overcome.’ I can’t make the same mistake again, Corbin. I’ll be staying with my Grams and Pops in California. My family knows where I’ll be. Please try to respect that I need this time to reflect and heal, but if ever you need me, you know I’m always a phone call away.
I love you, Corbin. However long this takes, just know that my love for you will never change. Keep on dancing.
Missing your kisses already,
Kennedy<3
Kennedy
I finish loading everything into the car and lean against the door thinking how hard this journey will be, but knowing that this step in recovery is crucial. Justeen stops by, and we cry and say our goodbyes. Jagger isn’t at all happy about us leaving, and he lets it be known. He gets so upset when he tries talking me out of going, and when I don’t budge, he says he has to go. He gives me a strong, tight hug and tells me he loves me, and then he walks out the front door.
I break down, and Mom embraces me, whispering, “He will get over it, sweetie. He’s always felt he needs to take care of you, that’s what’s bothering him, and everything that happened with Troy… he blames himself… like he failed you. He knows deep down he didn’t, but that’s what’s going on with him. Now everything has changed, and you no longer need him.”
I get myself together and grab a few drinks and snacks for our trip. Dad walks over with Ashlynn in his arms; I see the pain in his eyes, and tears start to fall from mine.
“I love you, Dad! I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m doing this to save me.”
Placing Ashlynn in her car seat, he buckles her in and kisses her cheek. She opens her eyes and puts her hand on his cheek.
“Popo, I love you. I’m going to miss you, big.”
Reaching down, he hugs her and gives her a gentle kiss on her cheek.
“I’m going to miss you, my sweet girl. You be a good girl and watch out for your mommy, you hear me?” She nods as tears fill her eyes, and he lets go of her hand I didn’t even know he was holding.
He turns in my direction; I sprint to him, throwing myself in his warm embrace. I let myself feel this all consuming pain, hoping to show him just how much I’m going to miss him.
“I love you, Dad.” I pull back, and he peers at me with heartfelt sadness, tears filling his eyes.
“Please be careful, Kennedy, and get yourself back here to me as soon as you can. I will miss you every day, my girl. You are my heart. I love you over the moon and all the way around the sun.”
Placing my hand over his heart, he says, “There will be a piece missing here until my girls return.”
I gently reach up and stroke his cheek with my thumb to wipe away the lone tear.
“I love you around the sun and over the moon, Dad.”
He pulls me against him so tightly, and I think I could just stay here in his warm embrace forever. This is my safe place; this is my home.
“I promise I’ll be back as soon as I find my missing pieces, even if it takes walking through hell to find. I promise you, I will find that strong girl inside myself again.” Pulling away, I walk around to the driver’s side door and get in. If I s
tay here with him any longer, I won’t be able to leave.
As I start the car, I glance up at my house, and I feel as if a part of me is being ripped from my chest. My safety net is being stripped away completely. My parents both stand there staring after me.
“Ashlynn, it’s just you and me now. We will overcome this together, baby.”
Little sobs come from the back seat. I start pulling out of the driveway just as the speeding black Mustang pulls up in front of the house, screeching to a stop. I know it’s him; I don’t even have to look. We have a silent connection, and I feel it every time he steps into a room. It makes my skin tingle and hum to life. Why did he come? Pushing on the brakes, I put the car in park, throw open the door, and step out. I stand there and stare back at him. He takes a move towards me then he takes off running for me and stops right as he reaches me.
My arms have a mind of their own, going up around his neck. He smashes his mouth to mine, sweeping his tongue along my lips, and I grant him access by opening for him. Our tongues twist and move along each other’s, trying to catalog each movement to memory. Pulling back, he looks down at me.
“I’ll wait for you, Boss. I’ll wait for you as long as it takes for you to work out your shit. I’ve fallen in love with you, Kennedy. I will work on my own fucked up mess in hopes I can forgive myself and finally put Landry to rest.”
I place my hands on both sides of his face and say, “I think he’d want that, Corbin. I think he’d like you to remember the good times you had together and let him go, but never let his memory die.”
“Corbee!” Ashlynn cries out. We both walk back to my car. He pulls open the door unbuckling her as he engulfs her in his strong arms.
“I love you, Ashlynn. Don’t you forget me, okay?”
She whimpers into his neck grabbing hold of his shirt and pulling him into her. I see tears pool in his eyes as one escapes, running the length of his face.
“I wove you, Corbee. You my daddy.”
He nods in response bringing her closer to him.
“You call me?”
“Yes, I will call you, my beauty.”
He places her back into her car seat and buckles her in, and I watch her tiny hand in his. They’re watching their joined fingers not wanting to let go.
“I almost forgot…” Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a small bottle of bubbles and a bag of Skittles. “This is for when you get to your great Gram and Pop’s house, okay? The Skittles are for your trip there.” The smile that sweeps Ashlynn’s sweet little face is truly precious.
“Thank you, Corbee.”
“You are welcome, sweetheart. I know how much you like your bubbles and Skittles.”
He places another kiss on her cheek and starts to back out of the backseat.
“Don’t forget, Ashlynn, I love you.”
“I wove you, too.”
He comes around as I sit just inside the driver’s side door and reaches over to the buckle, pulling it over me and buckles me in. Placing a gentle kiss on my lips, he pulls back.
“I love you, Kennedy Anderson.”
“I-I love you too, Corbin Nash.”
He turns, stands, and walks back to his car. Pulling away, I can’t bring myself to look in the rearview mirror. The raw evading pain pulling at my heart is killing me. I feel a tremendous loss in that moment from leaving everything I have ever known and loved behind. I don’t know how I will get through this, but I do know I will never get past this if I don’t at least try. Keep moving forward, Kennedy, I say to myself. I turn on the radio, and Lady Gaga’s “Gypsy” comes blaring through the speakers. There couldn’t be a more perfect song for how I’m feeling right at this very moment.
“Ashlynn we are going to rock this and be back here before you know it.” She doesn’t say anything as I look in the rear mirror at her. Her tiny little head is against her teddy, and she’s passed out like a sleeping beauty.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Corbin
I can’t sit by and watch her drive away. The two most important people in my life. This time, knowing she’s driving away from me, I feel this dreary pain of darkness pulling me down even deeper than the loss of Landry ever did. A torturous wound spreads through my chest, and after spilling everything from my past, I’m finding it hard to breath. I race to the gym in hopes of releasing some of the sting.
“What are you doing here?” Coach asks with concern.
“No questions today, Coach,” I say to him in a warning. His eyebrow shoots up.
“Alright kid, go get changed and meet me back here in ten.”
Nodding, I take off to my private room. I throw my bag down on the bench, tearing out my training gear. As I start to change, a flash of the moment Kennedy and I shared in here invades my thoughts. I did this. I screwed this up just when things between us were starting to get better. I ran. I thought opening up to her would show her how our broken pasts could connect us - heal us - bonding us in a way others could never understand. I wasn’t expecting her to make a mad dash just as I was exposing my bruised soul to her.
Her letter broke me apart, then in the next second, it sent my heart swelling with even more love for her. This girl is so strong, and she doesn’t even know it. I’m a fighter, and she is doing something I never could. She is facing her past head-on - and come hell or high water - so the fuck am I. I have to, not only for myself but also for the two girls who have stolen my heart.
The way I feel about Kennedy… there is just no comparison, and Ashlynn may not be my real daughter, but she is to me in every way. That little girl fills my heart so full that I can’t even imagine what it would be like if Kennedy and I have a baby of our own.
“Fuck! What’s happening to me?”
I send my water bottle sailing through the air and watch the hard plastic break against the wall, sending water and shards everywhere. Falling to the floor, I lay my head in my hands and let the loss I’m feeling wash over me. I’m lost without my beauties, and I don’t know how I’m going to function without them. The door squeaks and in walks Riggs.
“Not now, man, I can’t deal with you right now. “
“Corbin, I’m not here to bust your balls. I know a little bit about what’s going on and whom it involves. I know right now it seems things are spiraling out of control - and you very well may be right - but she loves you just as much as you love her. I think what she’s doing, even though you feel the loss right now, is to help the both of you. Let’s face it, man, you need help, too.”
As I look up at him, the anger hits me. I get up with clenched fists.
“Man, don’t do anything you’ll regret. I’m not saying these things to try and hurt you. I’ve been biting my tongue but not anymore. I’m not even going to attempt to say I know what demons you are carrying around, but what I do know is you’ve been wrestling with them way too long, man. I know a guy who is perfect for you to go and talk to.”
“I don’t want to fucking talk to anyone other than my girl, got it?”
Riggs interrupts me by putting up his hands.
“Just hear me out, man. Your girl, well she’s not here, and she’s working on her own shit. The guy, he’s an ex-fighter - hell you might even have heard of him - Carl Monsoon, everyone calls him Mo. He lost his wife, Maggie, a few years after retiring from fighting and completely lost it. He finally got help and is now helping other fighters like us learn to deal with our everyday lives. I don’t know if it will help you, but let’s face it, brother, you need help. Even though they are away, you can at least know you are healing together or at the very least trying to. I’ve watched you do some crazy shit, man.”
He places his hand on my shoulder staring at me. “Isn’t she worth the try?”
Fucker! He had to go there.
“You know the fucking answer to that. I’d walk into the depths of hell slaying Satan himself for those girls.”
A smile spreads across his face as one of my own follows. I sucker-punch him just as Coach steps
inside. Riggs doubles over in pain as I laugh.
“That’s what you get, asshole. Don’t ever fucking smile like that at me. You’re not fucking, Dr. Phil, asshole.”
Standing, Riggs stretches and starts to laugh at me.
“Man, I’m only trying to help you. Why did you have to go and sucker-punch me? That fucking hurt.”
We turn to look at Coach standing there in the doorway watching us.
“What the hell is going on with you two? Someone get to talking.”
“Alright, well, Coach, I need help. My girl’s left to go stay with her grandparents for a while to basically work out her own shit, and it’s pushed me over the edge. Asshole here put in his two cents, and now I’m going to try to do something about my problems.”
“It’s about fucking time, son. You know I love you like my own kid. I’ve seen the agony in your eyes all these years and kept quiet in hopes you’d work through your demons, but kid, it’s about time you did something about it. Not only for that beautiful girl of yours but more importantly for yourself. Hey, wait a minute, you said girls, am I missing something?”
“Yeah, Coach, she has an amazing three-year-old little girl, and I’m head over heels in love with her. Her dad is a piece of shit who doesn’t know his dick from his ass. His loss is my gain, and I won’t lose those two beauties for nothing. Even though Riggs is right, it’s also hard to realize just how screwed up I am. I hope this Carl guy can help.”
“Carl Monsoon?” he questions, looking over at Riggs with a smile.
“That’s the one, Coach,” Riggs says with a knowing smile.
***
Kennedy calls that evening.
“Hi, Boss.”
“Hi, we made it to the hotel in one piece. We even picked up dinner on the way. We are almost half way there. Ashlynn did great on the drive.”
She is eating while talking to me; her speech muffled by her food, but hearing her voice is a relief. The distance between us weighs heavily on my shoulders, making me afraid something bad will happen.
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