by David Sharp
Shoving some clippings around, Jason stopped on a picture of a brown haired guy. It was his brother, Trevor, who had disappeared, on purpose, almost two years ago. He moved his index finger across the face. Every time he held the picture it shocked him how much his mind was trying to erase the memory. The picture was an old one. Trevor had stopped taking pictures way before he left for the streets. He could not remember what Trevor looked like the day he vanished no matter how hard he tried.
Time is the great eraser.
Part of the reason he wanted to runaway was to find his brother if he could. The mystery of it appealed to him much more than facing reality. The newsprint faces stared at him and his mind drifted.
Did Trevor meet the punks in the pictures? Was he one of them now? Or had something else happened, something bad. He couldn’t think about that. It was nicer to believe that Trevor was out there somewhere living a new life free of suburbia.
Jason put the newspaper clippings back into a shoebox, one of three, that fit snugly under his bed. He opened another, reached into his pants, and added some bills to a wad of money inside. A loud banging on his bedroom door caused him to fumble and drop the box.
His mother’s voice boomed through the thin wooden door. “Have you been into my purse again, Jason? Some money is missing.”
Jason stashed the box underneath, next to the one with the clippings, but it snagged on the third one tumbling it over. Photographs spilled out onto the floor. The doorknob rattled at his mother’s irate handling.
“No mom, I haven’t been in you damn purse,” Jason said and felt a pang for lying.
“Don’t talk that way to me, young man.”
“Go away!”
“Jason, this has got to stop. I can’t afford it.”
“I didn’t take anything.”
There was a long silence then his mother tried a different tactic. “Have you been getting in fights again?”
“I don’t want to talk about it, mother.”
“You know, this ‘gay’ thing that you are doing is just a phase.”
“Not likely.”
Jason wanted the conversation over already. He could hear an audible sigh and the scratch of her long, red painted fingernails as they slid down the door.
“Your father is right about one thing.”
“What, leaving you?”
She paused and spoke with vigor and pain, “He said the only way to make a man out of you is the military or you can move out.”
“Fuck off!”
“Mark my words it will be sooner than you think.”
“I should leave like Trevor did and never talk to you again.”
The tears and sobs crept in her voice as she said, “How dare you bring him up….”
Jason slumped against the side of his mattress knowing she was gone. Softer, he said, “I’m sorry mom, you just don’t get me.”
Jason shook off the bad vibe and took notice of one of the fallen pictures. It was of Adam, shirtless in swim trunks at a neighborhood pool. The water was cast mid drip. The fuzz of Adam’s happy trail turned dark as it descending below the waist band. Holding the photo in one hand, Jason unzipped his pants and wished himself somewhere naked with Adam. His hand took him out of his room into the sense of the imagined flesh. Adam’s rough stubble slid across his face. Muscled arms overpowered him. The Velcro rip of the swim trunks made him flinch. Adam had him under his will and he was willing… until the phone rang.
The moment went away in fragments. The drive turned off. Slightly mad, Jason picked up his phone, clicked it on to Kelly’s static-filled voice.
“Now I lay myself down to sleep.”
Jason held the receiver closer to his ear trying to understand what she was saying.
“I pray to God, my soul to keep. If I die….”
There was a loud crash and Kelly screamed. Jason dropped the phone, but caught it before it hit the floor. He rushed to the window to look out across the yard and saw a light on from Kelly’s bedroom. Static roared from the phone. He could barely make out the next words.
“Stay away from me!”
Jason felt helpless, unable to do anything for her as he saw a menacing shape grab ahold of her in a brief fight in shadow. A lamp fell beside them. There was a brief sparking flash of light followed by a deeper darkness. The phone went dead. Jason watched across his backyard into Kelly’s window and saw nothing. The rest of what was happening was left to his imagination. His hands shook.
How can Kelly take such abuse? I couldn’t do it.
She had not meant to call him. It probably was an accidental dial and that made it worse. Before he wanted to get away for himself, after hearing that he wanted her out of there too. He partially shut the blinds to his window not wanting to think about it anymore.
Jason picked up the temporarily forgotten picture of Adam feeling embarrassed like someone had been watching him.
That is ridiculous, this is my room.
He fixed the Velcro of his shorts and put the photo away in the box where it belonged. Jason rested a hand on his crotch as he eyed the walls of his bedroom. They were barren with one exception, a poster of his favorite local band, Institutionalized. The picture took his mind off the darkness.
Ian Paisley is so hot.
Tattooed, shirtless, with short, shaved hair, the punk singer dared to be worshipped and Jason did so almost every night before he went to sleep. His hand slipped back into his shorts and the images came first of Ian then of Adam. It was easy to reignite his quick desire and take it to the edge with two fingers from his free hand. He was close, but too distracted to finish.
Not tonight, Ian. I need someone real.
Jason clicked the light off and slid out of his shirt. The sweaty sex smell was strong. It emanated from his pores. He breathed it in and it turned him on reminding of the scent of Adam at the park. He explored his body and could feel a few new bruises from the fight earlier. He knew when he looked at them later they would add some interesting color and character to him.
I bet I look tough.
Lying down on his mattress, he looked out the half covered window and saw no sign of activity from the house way across the yard. Jason casually pumped the bed. The thought of Adam making him confront his bullies earlier made him smile.
That was definitely a turning point.
Jason knew he was capable of stuff he had not dared imagine. With that comfort, Jason closed his eyes and let sleep take him away.
X
The water of the bayou was warm. Jason could barely make out anything through its green torrent. His arms ached, but he pushed himself up to the surface. The current had him. The overgrown grass on the side of the banks rushed by, through it he could make out houses. It was hard to stay afloat. The pull to drag him back under was strong. Something zinged by his face splashing into the murky water. Jason swallowed some of the foul liquid and choked. Another something hit closer to him.
People were out there in the shadows taunting him with animal noises. He realized the thrown things were rocks. They were trying to stone him in the water. Another splashed, followed by another, until one hit him in the back of the head. It hurt, he knew it to be a dream, but it really hurt. A couple more rocks found his back and stung him. Amidst the turmoil, Jason realized that the animal sounds were the same ones he had heard in the foggy alley before.
I have to wake up.
He went under, seeing green, and choked again. A rock hit him square in the face followed by the bleating of a sheep. Jason could barely make out the blurry figures that were daring to come closer to the water’s edge. He held up his hands to block the next assault and went under.
Bubbles swept around him as the current pulled. He knew he was going to drown and fought for the surface. Almost to the top, something wrapped around his foot. He looked down and saw Adam under the murky water smiling at him while holding his leg. Jason gasped and broke the surface waking in his own room covered in sweat.
The nigh
tmare had passed as had most of the night. The first light of a new day beckoned. The sheets were soaked. Jason ran a hand down his slick chest in awe.
Oh, that was freaky. I have to get out of here. And end these crazy dreams.
Violent Playground
X
A Chevy Van, off-white with tan stripes, rolled down the road, away from suburbia. Smoke poured out from the sputtering engine as the brakes were slammed on causing the beast of a vehicle to skid to a halt.
Kelly got out and slammed the driver’s door to pace along the side of the road. In a stream of venting she yelled, “Fucking horse bitch of a fucking van.”
Tanya slowly got out making Jason wait his turn, since the side door did not open. He was glad to breathe the fresher air outside of the tainted, old cigarette smoke, smelling van. Helplessly, he looked at the other smoke that hovered above the engine.
Tanya crossed her arms and steeled her eyes. “Jason, fix the car. You’re the man.”
“How am I supposed to do that? I don’t know the first thing about motors.”
“Can’t you see that Kelly has gone mental?”
Jason watched Kelly kick a tire and curse up a storm.
“Fine, I’ll try,” he said and unlatched the hood to get a better look.
“Do you think you can fix it?” Kelly hoped.
“I don’t know.” Jason was at a loss.
Tanya slapped the side of the van. “You are useless.”
Through the smoke Jason muttered, “You should be doing this, you have bigger balls than me.”
“I’ll break you, pansy.”
“We’ll see about that.”
Tanya ignored Jason and pulled Kelly towards her with a motherly gesture. “Kelly, it’s okay. We’re leaving, that is all that matters.”
“This figures, first it was a bad night – now this.” Kelly pulled away from the awkward embrace.
Tanya let her go and stared down the nearby railroad tracks. “You don’t ever have to see him again, alright.”
“What are we going to do?” Kelly was not comforted, since Tanya had no real solution.
Jason thought of the static filled phone call, the same desperation in Kelly’s voice only amplified, and with effort he put it out of mind. He poked and prodded around the engine until he found a wet spot without burning his hand. He leaned over and examined the cracked rubber of a tube that ran from the radiator to deeper down in the engine.
“Maybe it’s this hose. Do you have any tape?”
Kelly turned. “Why would I have any freaking tape?”
“I’m trying, Kelly.”
Jason wanted to slam the hood and walk away. The rage flared up within him. It gave him a hot flash as his blood flowed, boiling beneath his skin. He was surprised at how fast the anger had come.
“Damn it, we have to go back and find another way.” Tanya refocused.
“Fuck it. Let’s walk.” Kelly was determined.
“No, we can’t walk all the way to town.”
“I sure as hell ain’t going back.”
Jason cooled and saw a way out. “It is not as far if we cross that.” He pointed to a train trellis in the distance.
Kelly and Tanya became oddly quiet as they judged their choices, the broken van or the tracks.
X
Ill prepared for a journey on foot with meager bags, a knapsack, and a skateboard, the trio stood at the precipice of the train trellis. The tracks crossed a gulf that divided the shorter path to town. Kelly stared at the bayou watching the greenish brown water flow between its banks far below. Tanya stayed away from the edge afraid of falling in. Jason chuckled as he realized heights were not her thing. He looked back to see if suburbia was still in sight and it was not. Disappointed to not see it disappear, he adjusted his skateboard which he had strapped to his pack. Kelly was about to step out onto the trellis when Tanya interrupted her attempt.
“That’s a nice shiner, honey.”
Kelly gingerly touched her bruised face while her red hair flowed back in the breeze.
“Hey, you didn’t notice mine,” Jason said matter-of-factly, only half joking.
“You always look beat up,” Tanya said.
Kelly lightened up and laughed. “Yeah, that’s why we’re here in this paradise.”
“And to think I got up early for this.” Jason mocked.
Tanya eyes narrowed to slits. “No one asked you to come.”
“I’m glad you’re here, the both of you,” Kelly sincerely said.
Jason felt sheepish with gratitude. He looked down at the swirling muddy water, remembered the dream of drowning and the rocks thrown at him, and swallowed back his dread. “Thank you, it means a lot to hear that.”
Kelly followed his stare back to the water. The current seemed strong and there was no telling how deep it was below. Eyes back to Jason’s face, she stated the obvious. “I had to go, I couldn’t take it anymore. Last night was the worse… in a long time.”
“I understand.” Jason wanted to mention the phone call, but did not dare.
Tanya shivered. “I don’t think I can cross. I mean it is so far down.”
Jason turned his attention to his semi-adversary and decided not to provoke her until she was halfway across the trellis.
Kelly was steely in her determination. “There is no other way, nothing seems as fast. We have to cross here.”
“Are you sure?” Tanya swallowed.
Jason had had enough and he did not want to stand there all day. “Come on you two, follow me.” Acting tough, Jason stepped out onto the tracks and walked forward. He made the mistake of looking down and almost lost his balance. Quickly, he righted himself and gave a dare look in Tanya’s direction.
Kelly tentatively followed. Looking down into the abyss, she reassured herself with prayer: “As I walk through the valley of death, my Lord will protect me.” Kelly spoke it like a mantra, silently over and over.
Tanya started after them, careful of foot placement. Step by step, track board by board passed beneath her feet.
Jason felt exhilarated to be first, to be the leader as the wind buffeted his clothes. Danger was a turn on that faded the memory of his dream.
I am finally in control of my destiny.
Kelly checked on Tanya’s progress, saw she was slowing at the discovery of the view between the slats, and said, “Just don’t look down.”
“Now she tells me.” Tanya looked down and stumbled. “Oh shit!”
Jason laughed at her misstep feeling like the master of his universe. “Look ahead to the other side, hooker. It’ll be okay.”
“Damn you, Jason,” Tanya said as she concentrated on the tracks.
Jason smugly looked down and watched a pebble fall. Far below it plopped into the murky water.
Kelly had caught up to Jason and bumped into him almost knocking him off balance. “Sorry.”
Thinking fast he repositioned his skateboard. “Watch it girl, you’ll take us both down.”
“I said I was sorry, keep going. It is kind of scary up here.” Kelly playfully pushed Jason forward.
“Careful already.” Jason led on.
Tanya watched her feet make slow progress, dealt with her own fear, and muttered, “I’m going to get that little faggot.”
“I heard that, muff licker.” Jason concentrated on keeping his own balance. Since Kelly knocked into him, his feeling of control had slipped a little.
“Chill out, both of you, I’m trying to walk over here,” Kelly said mockingly.
There was a momentary peace as they crossed over to the safety of the solid ground on the other side. All three of them looked up at once as the sound of a melancholy train whistle blew from afar. No one said a word as the train approached from some unseen distance. The train came around a bend rumbling and the threesome stepped off to the side to watch it loudly advance. The heat of the locomotive hit them with a wave of hot air as it passed by in its fury. Afterwards, the rails bended under their feet and the
scenery changed as they continued to journey down the tracks contemplating their rash plans and vagabond existence.
Jason was strangely disappointed. He watched the caboose get smaller as the train continued on. The idea of a great train dodge was thrilling.
If it would have come while we were out on the middle of the trellis, that would have been amazing.
He imagined running and jumping as the iron engine came barreling across, but then he would have been in the greenish brown water of his dreams. Thinking that would not have been so fine, a frown crossed Jason’s face.
“This place is kind of creepy.” Kelly broke the daydream.
“Don’t start.” Tanya warned.
Jason looked up and discovered they were in a warehouse district of old, rundown, graffiti marked buildings with the downtown skyline in the distance.
“Wow, this is kind of cool.”
“You would think so,” Tanya said in her usual antisocial mood.
Kelly spoke her mind, “I don’t know about y’all, but I don’t have that much money.”
In a nonchalant way, Tanya said, “I should have some left over after that, that thing you know.”
“Aside from your blood money or whatever it is, I have saved up almost a couple hundred or so.” Jason boasted.
“Punk ass, bitch,” Tanya said under her breath.
“What? What was that?”
“Nothing, douche,” Tanya said then added, “You probably stole it anyways.”
“Hey, I’ve been saving.” Jason felt hurt from the truth. “We just need to find Adam. He will hook us up.”
“We are going to need a place to crash not a bag of dope.”
“Don’t worry you’re pretty little head. It will all work out one way or another. It always does.” Jason spun a wheel on his skateboard.
“Well, we can always go back if we have to.” Tanya shrugged.
Kelly defiantly spoke up. “I won’t. I’m never going back there again.”