by Brian Smith
One day Jeremiah bade Sycko follow him into his private study. They sat down and Jeremiah frowned and stared at the table. It was apparent he had something very important on his mind and Sycko was beginning to feel uneasy as to what it could be.
“Now then, Sycko,” he said and paused. “I am delighted to say that you have made excellent progress in our community. It is as I first thought when I saw you drivelling naturally. This is your place, it’s where you were meant to be. You’ve been a novice for quite some time and now, I am glad to say, the time has come for you to be accepted into our fraternity as a full brother.”
Sycko’s heart leapt for joy. “That’s wonderful,” he said joyfully.”
“I knew you would take it that way. To become a brother there is a ceremony which will officially introduce you to the fraternity. It’s known as the discalceation ceremony.”
“Discalce…?”
“Discalceation. It means taking off a shoe. It’s a highly symbolic act. By taking off your shoes and standing barefoot on consecrated ground you are showing the proper respect and reverence due. To be quite accurate, I will be taking off your shoes.”
“You?”
“Yes, you are standing in front of the assembled brothers and sisters. Then I take off the holy top hat and hand it to you. You hold the hat while I kneel in front of you and take off your shoes. In this way I am showing my humility and respect to one seeking truth and willing to join the sacred brotherhood.”
The day for the holy ceremony was approaching rapidly and the brethren were busy preparing everything. The most important thing was the decoration in the grand hall where the ceremony was to take place. Waxing, waning and full moons were cut out of various materials and in sundry colours. There were hundreds of moons all around the hall symbolizing not only the sacred unity of the Lord and Diana, but also aspects of lunar influence on human life such as fertility. Others were making a large wreath of holy oak leaves which was to be suspended from the ceiling in the spot the new brother would be welcomed into the fraternity. When all was done the hall looked spectacular. There were daily choir practices where different songs for various stages in the ceremony were prepared. Sycko was truly touched by all the activity, all the work and effort others were making for him. Not that he was doing much work himself. He confined himself to walking along the way he would have to go on the morning of the ceremony and to practise standing under the oak wreath.
“Ah,” he said quietly with a contented smile. “Work is a wonderful thing when you can watch other people doing it.”
Then the great day came. It began before daybreak with Master Jeremiah waking everyone up. As the rite demanded he walked from room to room crowing “Cock-a-doodle-doo, cock-a-doodle-doo” and waking everyone up. This heralded a new day in Sycko’s life. While the brethren were still struggling out of their nice warm beds Jeremiah had already reached the grand hall. “Hie thee hither, Sycko,” he shouted as loudly as he could. “Hie thee hither ere the sun rise!”
Still sleepy Sycko made his way to the hall as fast as he could followed by the brethren. Sycko waited at the far end of the hall till they were all assembled. Jeremiah, clad in a frock and wearing the sacred top hat, stood beneath the oak wreath and waited. When everything was quiet an owl hooted. This was the ancient sign to commence the holy ceremony. The brethren drooled and sang the ancient song:
See in the east the sun doth rise
A symbol of freedom and loyalty
In the waning moon you grew wise
Thrice blessed sign of purity
This was the signal for Sycko. He started drooling and walked forward in utmost dignity, with a proud erect bearing placing one foot after another and getting his shirt wet with a steady stream of saliva. He wended his way through the assembled fraternity until he stood in front of Master Jeremiah.
“We meet upon the level,” Sycko said and bowed respectfully.
“On the level,” Jeremiah replied and bowed in turn. Then he removed his top hat and handed it to Sycko. “Take this holy symbol as a sign of our trust in you. Hold it in your hands and guard it with your faith.”
Sycko took the sacred top hat and stepped under the oak wreath to face the assembly. Master Jeremiah went down on his knees and undid Sycko’s shoelaces. He took off first one shoe and then the other. When he had both shoes he stood up with them, placed them on his upturned palms and held them near his chest. He turned to the assembly and said “Discalceatus est!” [Latin: He is unshod, i.e. his shoes are taken off]
While the brethren were clapping their hands Jeremiah’s smile froze on his face as a pungent smell wafted up from the shoes. “Don’t you wash your feet,” he asked through clenched teeth.”
“I’ve only got one pair of socks,” Sycko replied.
Jeremiah almost choked but had to continue with the ceremony. He threw the shoes one at a time to the other end of the temple and the assembly said in unison “Calcei iacti sunt!” [The shoes have been thrown]
These holy words were the signal for Sycko to walk through the hall until he found his shoes. He walked slowly and with dignity but the nauseating stench from his feet made the eyes of more than just one brother or sister water. To the general relief he put his shoes on again. This was followed by the song:
Brother, brother come to us,
The moon doth shine on thee,
Under our ancient holy tree.
Hark the Lord who speaks to us.
To conclude the holy ceremony they all got out Dryvellers Fags and lit up. With the smoke from scores of fags rising up in the air the ceremony was officially ended and the overjoyed brethren made their way to the dining hall for breakfast.
They all stood around the table behind their chairs. On his special day Sycko had the pleasure of taking Jeremiah’s usual seat at the head of the table and said “Good morrow, brethren”.
“Good morrow, Brother Sycko,” came the reply in unison.
“Pray be seated,” Sycko said with a smile.
They sat down and sang the song that was customary for welcoming a new member into their fraternity.
For he’s a freshly baked bun,
For he’s a freshly baked bun.
And so say all of us,
And so say all of us.