by Brian Smith
The Laws of the Lord
Moderation, the noblest gift of heaven.
Euripides, Medea
Later that day Master Jeremiah asked Sycko to join him in his study. “My dear Sycko,” he said warmly. “It’s such a great pleasure to have you with us as a brother in our noble and holy fraternity, indeed, I would say it’s almost miraculous that you found to us in the lawless concrete jungle out there, more proof, if proof was needed, that the good Lord works miracles and that His kind and merciful eyes are always gazing down upon us.” He paused briefly to allow the words of profound wisdom he had spoken to sink in before continuing. “It is now time that we look at the laws that God has given us.”
Sycko looked surprised. “There are laws?”
“Why, yes of course, my dear fellow brother. It’s all in The Holy Dryvel. The Lord’s ten laws, those golden laws that enable us humans, pitiful creatures that we are, to live together in peace and harmony. The laws that make us into humans and set us apart from the brutish animal kingdom. They are the laws that every Dryveller must obey, and to obey them it is of course necessary to know and to understand them.” He peered at Sycko for a moment as though he expected an answer but when Sycko merely sat and looked at him with a semi-vacant stare Jeremiah went on unperturbed. He put a copy of The Holy Dryvel on the table and opened it. “Here it is, God’s own word, the only book that matters in this world. Everything you need to know is in here,” he said happily and patted the book.
“Really everything?” Sycko said. “I wish I’d had it at school. Would have saved me lots of trouble. You wouldn’t believe how many books they gave us there and to imagine that one book is enough…”
“Eh, well yes, there you go. I quite agree. Everyone at school should have a copy of The Holy Dryvel. But let’s have a look at what the laws of God actually say. Here is the first law:
I. The Holy Dryvel is God’s word.
You will agree that this is most important, my dear Sycko. After all, without it how would we know that everything in The Holy Dryvel is absolutely true? It would be just one more religious tome collecting dust among the other nonsensical books that people have written over the centuries. It is so easy to write a book and make preposterous claims about it. But here’s where The Holy Dryvel is different. We have it in black and white from God Himself that these are His own words.” Jeremiah paused for a moment and smiled at Sycko. “And what words they are, my dear Sycko, every single word worth a million times its weight in gold!”
“Wow, that is a lot of gold,” Sycko said. “But why does the book only cost…”
“Now, now,” Jeremiah interrupted him. “We mustn’t take these things too literally. The important thing to remember is that every single word in The Holy Dryvel is true and if we have any kind of question or problem then we need not look any further than The Holy Dryvel. Now let’s take a look at the second law, there are ten altogether, did I mention it? Well, anyway, here it is:
II. Obey the Lord as made manifest through the Master of the Temple.
This is a most useful law, I must say, and it makes things so much simpler for all of us.”
“I’m not sure I understand it,” Sycko said.
“It’s quite simple really. There’s nothing to it. It means that when the Lord has a message for you He will let you know through me.”
“You mean God tells you and you just pass it along to me?”
“Quite right. Just you listen to what I tell you and you’ll always do the right thing. Let’s see the next law:
III. Heed the Holy Dryvel
That’s not difficult either. Just do as The Holy Dryvel tells you to do.”
“Because the answers to everything are in it?”
“That’s right, very good, very good, you’re doing well. I told you it would be easy. The next law is also easy and also very important:
IV. Do not steal from Dryvellers.
This is a truly divine and wonderful law. How could we humans live together if we were allowed to steal from one another? Yet thanks to the Lord in His wisdom we all live in peace together.”
“But what about stealing from people who aren’t Dryvellers? Here it says…”
“But my dear fellow, that’s a completely different matter. If you take something from someone who is in denial of the truth of Dryvellism you aren’t stealing. You’re merely returning the Lord’s property back to those who honour him. And is there anything wrong with returning lost property, Sycko, is there?”
“Well, no, now you put it that way. I’m beginning to understand.”
“I’m glad to hear it, my dear boy. I knew from the moment I saw you that there was a true Dryveller in you. But look at the next law, it’s also most important to ensure harmony and honesty:
V. Do not lie to Dryvellers unless you need to protect Dryvellism.
Isn’t it a most excellent law, my dear Sycko? Just imagine! How could we live together if we were allowed to tell lies? But again the Lord in His wisdom has provided.”
“But I may lie if I’m protecting Dryvellism? Wasn’t that a bit like the weeping Diana?”
“I’m glad you mention it, Sycko. Yes, the weeping Diana does come to mind. What could be more noble than a pious fraud if it helps people to believe! But let’s not dwell on the past, my dear lad. The next law is one of great importance:
VI. Honour the martyrs.
And honour them we shall! It shall not be said that we neglected to hold those in esteem who gave their lives for Dryvellism.”
Sycko looked a bit doubtful. “I’m not sure about that ‘give their lives’ bit. You mean to say we may get killed?”
Jeremiah chuckled. “We must all die one day, my dear fellow, it’s no secret. The difference between ordinary Dryvellers and martyrs is that martyrs are awaited by the most wonderful recompense. They ascend straight into superparadise beside which the paradise that awaits other Dryvellers pales in comparison. After all, who would want to book a one star hotel for eternity if there’s a five star hotel available, too.”
“I see,” Sycko murmured. “I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
“There you go. In fact martyrs can be so eager to check in to their part of paradise that they don’t want to be kept waiting too long, but more on that another time. Suffice it to say that in superparadise even your most extravagant wishes and desires are like mere child’s play. Why, I can tell you with the full authority of The Holy Dryvel that every martyr is welcomed by 99 trillion eternal virgins who are his to do with as he pleases in all eternity.”
“That’s quite a lot of women. I can’t quite imagine…”
“I say it is a lot. Now are you beginning to see how wonderful it could be to become a martyr?”
“How much is 99 trillion actually? I mean if I, or I should say a martyr, meets one of them every day then…?”
“Ah, I see what you mean,” Jeremiah said and got a calculator. “Now then, 99 trillion divided by 365 equals 271,232,876,712. Just imagine, my dear Sycko! For more than 271 billion years a martyr has one new virgin every day. Of course, if it so pleases a martyr he may have more than one a day…”
“They’re all his, as you said. But what happens after the 271 billion years? I mean does a martyr go back to the first…?”
“Just as he wants, Sycko, just as he wants. But then, would you still remember the first one after 271 billion years?”
“No, I suppose I wouldn’t. It’s rather a long time. I can’t even remember what I had for dinner last night.”
“Ah, there you are. But then as I told you before we shouldn’t always take these things too literally. After all, what are a few billion years when you are in the middle of eternity? And we shouldn’t be too pettish or greedy, even in superparadise. How much better it is to thank the Lord for His munificence in providing so magnanimously for a true martyr. But let’s take a look at the next law, shall we?
VII. Believe and go to heaven, think and be cast into hell fires.
A very simple and straightforward law I should say. Always remember the old Dryveller proverb: Blessed are the gullible.”
“That’s easy enough then,” Sycko said happily. “If I’d known that before I went to school I could have saved myself years of trouble trying to think. I’m glad it’s all over now.”
“Excellent, I’m delighted you’re taking it that way. The next law is also very simple:
VIII. All humans are Dryvellers.
I believe I’ve told you before how we are all born as Dryvellers?”
“I remember! It’s how we drool and drivel from the day of our birth, right?”
“Quite right, you’ve got a good memory. Unfortunately there are those who would deny Dryvellism and as such deny God. But for these hate criminals the Lord has provided, too:
IX. Maim, torture, kill and slaughter those who deny Dryvellism.
Always remember, Sycko, a human who denies Dryvellism is like a faulty product. If it can’t be mended then you send it back to the factory. The Dryvellism deniers are just the same. They are faulty and killing them isn’t murder. It’s not even a killing. It’s nothing more than sending a faulty soul back to where it came from. It’s up to the Lord to do the rest then. And last but not least is the tenth law:
X. Dryvellism is a religion of peace. Death to those who do not believe it.
Truly, Sycko, the Lord is merciful and it is He who has given us humans peace. Peace is a wonderful thing and it is something our lives wouldn’t be worth living without.”
“Ah, yes, that’s right, but I don’t quite understand… I mean isn’t that bit about death some sort of contradiction?”
“Not at all, my dear boy, not at all. Of course Dryvellism is a religion of peace. We bring peace to all humanity. But what about those who reject and deny Dryvellism? Those lawless troublemakers and haters who incite against the Lord and against Dryvellism? Their very act of denial is an act of aggression. By bringing death to those haters we are doing no more than restoring peace. And you would do well to remember what it says on gravestones. Do the letters RIP mean anything to you?”
“They mean ‘Rest in Peace’, don’t they?”
“Exactly. So by killing a Dryvellism denier you are simply restoring him to peace. And there can’t be anything wrong with bringing peace to people, can there now?”
“Why, certainly not, Master Jeremiah. I sure am glad that I met you. You’re always so good at explaining things and making everything clear to me.”