Rocky Mountain Die

by Jake Bible

“Rest,” he said. “You blacked out. I’d say you had a small seizure, but I can’t be for certain since I wasn’t here.” He looked about at everyone in the RV. “I have said I’d prefer to be with him for most of the journey. Only way I can monitor his digression.”

  “My digression? Way to go negative, man,” I said, trying to sit up again.

  “Stay,” Stella says.

  “But the floor of this RV smells like feet and rotten oranges,” I replied. “I’m gonna puke if I have to stay down here. At least get me up on a couch.”

  Stella looked to Stenkler and he nodded. Stuart, John, and Buzz lifted me up and set me on the couch.

  “Rotten oranges?” Stenkler asked. “Have you been smelling that a lot lately?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “We’ll need to find a medical facility as soon as we reach Denver,” Stenkler said. “And I must insist I remain with him until then.”

  “We’ll see,” Stuart replied. “You’re still not quite one of us, doc. I think we all feel more comfortable with you under watch along with Kramer.”

  “You realize that Dr. Kramer is kind of nuts, right?” Stenkler asked.

  Stenkler? Talk about him.

  Stop that.

  “Yeah, we know,” Stuart said.

  “He’s also a true medical genius,” Stenkler said. “And I’m not exactly a mental slouch. Keeping us together, where we can discuss our options and possibly collude, isn’t the best idea. As far as you know, we are planning to escape together.”

  “Is that so?” Lourdes asked, looking menacing.

  “Nah, he’s full of shit,” Critter laughed. “The man is soft. He wouldn’t last more than a day out there. And Kramer is a coward. He likes havin’ his meals brought to him and havin’ people die fightin’ for his safety. He’ll stick around as long as we let him.”

  “Regardless,” Stenkler said. “Jace’s neurological deterioration is alarming.”

  “Your neurological deterioration is alarming,” I replied. “Ha!”

  “That there,” Stenkler said, pointing at me. “Why else would he mention a toaster at a time like this?”

  “Toaster?” I asked. I looked at Stella. She nodded. “Shit.”

  “This decision isn’t based on anything Dr. Stenkler has said or on Jace’s condition,” Lourdes announced. “But we are leaving in an hour. Spread the word.”

  And then she was gone and the cold air was whipping into the RV again.

  “I’m going to find the kids,” Stella said. “Will you be alright?”

  “I’ll stay with him,” John said. “You guys go administer.”

  “I’ll stay too,” Critter added. “Nice and toasty in here.”

  “You are coming with me, Uncle Crit,” Buzz said. “We have work to do making sure all the vehicles are ready. I’ll need your help.”

  “You don’t need my help on nothin’,” Critter said. “You just want to see an old man freeze his shriveled ass off.”

  “Trust me, I really do not want to see that,” Buzz laughed. “But you’re one of the leaders of this gang, so you need to get out there and show your face.”

  “Then why ain’t he comin’?” Critter whined, pointing at me. “People look up to the moron. He should be out there too.”

  “Thanks for the compassion, Crit,” I said, smiling.

  “That’s why,” Stuart said.

  “What’s why?” I asked.

  “You just made farting noises and called me Luela,” Stuart said. He looked very serious.

  “Oh,” I winced. “Poop.”

  “John? You sure you got this?” Stuart asked.

  “Not a problem,” John said. “I’ve been out in the field all morning. My legs could use the rest. I’ll make sure the doctor doesn’t mess with Jace.”

  Stella leaned down and kissed my brow then stared at me for a couple of seconds. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  “Take your time,” I said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “No, you’re not going bowling,” Stella replied, her worried look getting even more worried.

  “Did I say bowling?” I asked.

  Stella nodded then left quickly. Pretty sure she was about to cry. Fuck.

  “Can I keep examining him?” Stenkler asked John as soon as it was just us in the RV. “At least until everyone starts loading back on?”

  “You cool with that, Jace?” John asked me.

  “Cool as a cucumber,” I said.

  “Then go ahead,” John said to Stenkler.

  “Can you talk for me, Jace?” Stenkler asked.

  John laughed at that.

  “Talk about what?” I replied.

  “Anything,” Stenkler said. “I just want to hear your speech pattern and make some notes when you go off topic or your nouns get mixed up.”

  “He always goes off topic,” John said. “It’s his specialty.”

  “Oh, I know what I could talk about,” I sneered at John. “Elsbeth. How are things between the two of you?”

  John cleared his throat and the smart ass look he’d just had went away fast.

  “Fine,” he said.

  “You two still a thing?” I pressed. “Still getting it on? Bumping uglies? Doing the nasty?”

  “Did you mean to say all those euphemisms?” Stenkler interrupted.

  “Yep,” I grinned.

  “We’re still intimate,” John said. “Not much choice. When Elsbeth wants to, uh, bump uglies, then we bump uglies.”

  “Is it against your will?” Stenkler asked, looking alarmed.

  “What? No,” John said quickly. “I care for her. I do. Probably more than I should. It’s just that…”

  “Elsbeth is Elsbeth,” I answered for him.

  “Exactly,” John said. “That woman is simple on so many levels, but that makes her only more complicated on so many more.”

  “True dat, bro,” I said and held out my hand for a fist bump.

  John just stared at me.

  “No fist bump?” I said.

  “What? Uh, Jace, you’re lifting your stump and waving it at me,” John said.

  “Am I?” I looked down and saw Stumpageddon doing a little dance. “Huh. Didn’t know that.”

  “Involuntary motor control,” Stenkler said. “Your list is getting longer.”

  “You know me,” I grinned. “I like a long list.”

  “That makes no sense,” John said.

  “Doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?” I asked. “No, I guess it doesn’t. Story of my life.”

  The door to the RV whipped open and Stella stuck her head inside.

  “You need to come see this,” she said to John.

  “See what?” he asked.

  “Just come on,” Stella said then looked at me. “Stay here.”

  “What? I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, but now that you tell me I can’t then maybe I should,” I smirked.

  “Stay here,” she growled.

  Uh-oh.

  John frowned then got up and followed her out. I looked at Stenkler and he just looked back at me. Then he must have seen a look in my eyes.

  “No. You need to stay put,” he said.

  “Just a peek,” I grinned.

  “No,” he insisted.

  “You ever killed a man, doc?” I asked.

  “No. Well, yes, but I didn’t want to,” Stenkler replied.

  “So you’ve never shot a man, stabbed a man, jammed a hunk of metal through a man’s skull?” I said. “Because I have. Want me to show you?”

  Stenkler took a few steps away from me.

  “Just a quick peek,” I said, smiling at him. “You can even stand right by my side and make sure I don’t fall over and die.”

  “I won’t have much control over that,” he said. “If you fall over and die, all I can do is catch your corpse.”

  “That’s helpful. I just washed these jeans, so it would suck if they get truck depot grease on them,” I said then stood and made my way to the front of the
RV.

  It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I intended on being all strutting and cool. Pretty sure I only managed wobbling and weak. I was sweating like a cannibal’s dinner on a spit by the time I got to the door.

  “I’m officially objecting one more time,” Stenkler said. “Then I’m shutting up.”

  “You should get to that shutting up part,” I laughed. Nice to say that to someone else instead of it just being said to me. Then I saw the look on his face. “What did you hear?”

  “Something about strawberry shortcake,” he sighed.

  “Ooooh, that sounds good,” I replied. “Man, I’d love to have some strawberry shortcake. How well do strawberries grow in Colorado?”

  “I don’t know,” he said as he helped me down the short stairs and out of the RV. “I hope we find out.”

  “Me too,” I said as we got outside. Damn, it was cold.

  People were hurrying out of the truck depot and into the falling snow. Most of them were survivors from Asheville, but a few were cannies mingled in here and there. Sure seemed like there were a lot fewer cannies than before. Elsbeth’s psycho sisters must have really been picking them off. Or not. Whatever was happening.

  “What’s up?” I asked as Melissa hurried by.

  The wife of my late best friend from Whispering Pines, and sister to the Fitzpatrick boys, Melissa Billings is not someone you mess with. She’s tough as nuclear nails and packs as much of a punch.

  “Did you just tell me to shove a gerbil in my butt?” Melissa asked, looking from me to Stenkler then back to me. “Jace, you had better be messing around.”

  “He’s having new speech issues,” Stenkler said.

  “I asked what’s up,” I said.

  “Oh,” Melissa frowned. “Some of Lourdes’s people just got back from patrol. They say we’ve got military hostiles coming at us fast.”

  “Military?” Stenkler asked. “Government?”

  “No such thing,” I said. “Not the way you want. If it is government then it might as well be Consortium. How many?”

  “I don’t know,” Melissa said, exasperated. “That’s what I was going to find out. How about you come with instead of asking a bunch of questions I can’t answer?”

  “Good idea,” I said then took a couple of unsteady steps. I pointed at Stenkler. “Wanna give me a piggy back ride?”

  “No,” Stenkler said. “But I’ll help you get to everyone else. Take my arm.”

  “And they say chivalry is dead,” I quipped.

  It is.

  Huh? What the hell is going on?

  ***

  The truck depot wasn’t exactly a tightly closed fortress, mostly just a bunch of overhangs with some slightly walled-in bays so long haul truckers could work on their semis out of the weather, or get some needed sleep, before loading up the next batch of corn or potatoes or asparagus. But, once I stepped away from the overhangs and walls, I realized just how much protection they gave us.

  The wind whipped at my coat and I struggled to pull it tight. You know, because of only one hand. Stenkler grabbed my stump to keep me from falling over in the wind while I managed to get my coat zipped up to my throat.

  I don’t care about your coat. Get on with it.

  Uhhh…

  “Are you alright?” Stenkler asked.

  “Yeah...fine,” I said.

  No, wait, that’s not what I said. I’m getting confused. Hold on, hold on.

  “Dammit, Jace,” Stella snapped as soon as she saw me.

  “I’m incorrigible,” I said, giving her my best cute husband smile.

  “You’re an idiot,” Critter said as he walked up to us. “But since you’re here, have a look.”

  He pretty much dragged my ass about fifty yards away from the depot and handed me a pair of binoculars.

  “Uh, Crit, it’s kind of snowing,” I said. “Gonna be hard to see anything.”

  “Oh, you’ll see this,” he said.

  I lifted the binoculars and he grabbed me by the shoulders and pointed me in the right direction.

  Oh, shit.

  Yes. Tell me about the oh shit.

  “Who keeps saying that?” I asked as I lowered the binoculars.

  “See ‘em?” Critter asked as if I hadn’t said anything.

  Which I didn’t, because that isn’t what happened. This is getting all messed up.

  Just tell me what you saw.

  “Are those Zs?” I asked Critter. “How many? A couple thousand?”

  “Closer to a hundred thousand,” Lourdes said as she came up to us with Stuart, Reaper, John, and Stella.

  Stella was still giving me the stink eye.

  “I’m sorry, did you say a hundred thousand?” I asked Lourdes.

  “Close to it, maybe more,” Lourdes nodded. “But that’s not the worst part.”

  “Oh, it’s not?” I laughed. No one else laughed with me. “Oh, come on. What’s worse than a hundred thousand Zs?”

  “An army of the living,” Lourdes said. “Shots came back from recon and said we’re looking at about a thousand strong, fully armed and equipped for war.”

  How are they equipped? That would be helpful to know. Not that they can take me. They’ll never take me.

  “Anyone else hearing that?” I asked. No one responded. “Okay, so how are they equipped? Rifles? RPGs? Blowdart guns?”

  “Tanks,” Lourdes said. “Four of them.”

  Tanks? Hmmm, tell me about the tanks.

  Man, my head is killing me. Like really killing me. This migraine sucks balls. And who knew that phantom voices came with migraines? No one ever mentioned that to me.

  “Four tanks?” I asked. “They brought tanks to fight the Zs?”

  “They are pushing the Zs,” Stuart said. “They’re driving them towards us. Which means we have big herds ahead of us and an even bigger one behind us. Behind that is an army.”

  “With tanks,” I said.

  “With tanks,” Stuart nodded.

  “Tanks not for the killing of Zs,” I said.

  “Not for the killing of Zs,” Stuart agreed.

  “For the killing of us?” I asked.

  The looks on everyone’s faces told me I had hit that nail on the head.

  “A thousand armed soldiers could do that,” I said. “We’re good, but not fight an army good.”

  “The tanks aren’t moving fast enough to catch up to us,” Lourdes said. “We move now and we’ll have at least a day, or maybe even two days, head start. Depends on how well maintained the tanks are.”

  “They break down a lot?” I asked.

  “In this weather, yes,” Lourdes said. “And it’s been a few years since the Army was up and going. They probably sat for at least a year before the Consortium got a hold of them and put them to use.”

  “That’s what you’re hoping,” I said, smirking.

  No, that’s right. They just got them working. Helicopters were easy. Lots of helicopter pilots and mechanics. Not so many tank mechanics.

  The world swam about me a bit and Stenkler grabbed onto me. Stella dropped her pissed off face and hurried to my side.

  “Jace?” she asked.

  “All good,” I said. “Seriously, am I the only one hearing voices?”

  “He needs to get inside,” Stenkler said as if I hadn’t spoken. Maybe I didn’t. I don’t even fucking know anymore.

  Not yet.

  “Not yet,” I said. “Where’s Elsbeth? Has anyone asked her about this army? Maybe she knows something?”

  Call her by her name!

  “She’s over there with Charlie,” Critter said, pointing to a burned-out building a hundred yards off. “Been huddled up and talking with that boy a lot lately. Y’all don’t think she’s sweet on him, do ya?” He glanced at John and feigned surprise. “Oh, sorry, sniper boy. Didn’t see ya standin’ there.”

  “Ha ha,” John replied. “And she’s not sweet on Charlie. She’s been training him. I’ve even given her some pointers.”
/>
  “They sure is trainin’ a lot lately,” Critter chuckled. “If that’s what you want to call it.”

  “Knock it off, Critter,” Melissa scolded. “Don’t stir shit up. We don’t need that right now.”

  “I’m bored,” Critter said. “All this runnin’ from Zs and runnin’ from the Consortium and runnin’ from crazies is borin’ the livin’ shit outta me. I’d give half my right arm to get back to my holler and just be runnin’ things the way I used ta.”

  He gave me a huge grin.

  “No offense, Long Pork,” Critter said. “I’m sure you’d give your left nut to have half your right arm back.”

  “How about we stop giving body parts and start getting loaded up?” Lourdes growled. “Stuart?”

  “Folks are already getting the gear stowed back in the RVs and the rest of the convoy,” Mr. Flips said as he came up to us. “Sorry to interrupt, but thought you should know that we can be gone in fifteen minutes, if that’s fast enough.”

  “I’d like it to be faster, but that will work,” Lourdes said. “Thank you.”

  Mr. Flips doffed his top hat and gave her a short bow. Always the showman, that guy.

  “Let’s do a head count,” Stuart said then looked at Stella. “You find Greta?”

  “She’s with Dr. McCormick,” Stella said. “But I need to go get Charlie.”

  “I’ll go,” I said. “If Stenkler doesn’t mind helping me.”

  “You really should get back in the RV and rest,” Stenkler protested.

  “Yeah, but I know El better than everyone here,” I replied. “Might be time to find out what the hell she and Charlie have been up to.”

  “You don’t think it’s training?” Stella asked.

  “Do you?” I replied.

  Talk more about the tanks. When will they get here?

  Okay, the voice has got to stop. It’s starting to make me a little sick to my stomach. Seriously. I think I’m going to barf.

  Everything waivers and wiggles and for a brief second I’m not standing out in a snowstorm. I’m in some dark building with the stink of mold and mildew all around me. And something else. I smell something else.

  “No, I don’t,” Stella said.

  “What?” I asked.

  No one responds. I mean, no one responded. I...I don’t know what I mean. Or meant. Or whatever.

  “Let’s both go,” Stella said.