Idiom
Changing Your Expressions
The things we’re about to discuss are not exactly wordless, but I’d still like to mention them since they offer you yet another way to get into good rapport with people. We all have preferred variations in the ways we use language. What follows are some examples of these kinds of personal touches and idioms used in language. In establishing rapport, it’s always a good thing to be able to adapt to these or any other similar linguistic practices. Of course, you have to know enough about the cultural references involved to be able to adapt your communication in a believable way.
Slang
Slang is quite difficult to adapt to, as it is specific to trends, geographical locations, and age groups. It is always changing, and an expression that’s awesome today could be lame tomorrow. If you feel like you’re savvy enough to mirror a certain kind of slang used by the person you want to be in rapport with, go for it! But if you don’t know how to respond to “Wassup bro?” you’re better off not trying. There is a lot of potential for embarrassment here. Slang also functions as a way of signaling that you belong to a certain group, an age group, for instance, so you also have to consider how likely you are to be taken seriously when representing yourself as a member of the group in question. If you come across a slang expression that signals an age group, and you’re the wrong age to use it, you can show that you’re hip enough to know the meaning of the word and respond to it, but that doesn’t mean you should use it yourself unless you’re “entitled” to it, that is to say, unless you could plausibly be seen as belonging to the group of people who share that particular slang usage.
Jargon
In many conversations, expressions are used that are only needed for the specific topic of discussion. When you’re talking about boats, boating terms are likely to be used. By using jargon to the same extent as the person you’re talking to, you’re showing him or her that you have the same understanding and knowledge of the topic. This goes both ways. If somebody uses more technical terms than you would normally, but you have the knowledge to adapt to the speech of the other, go ahead. If somebody uses fewer technical terms than you would normally, hold back on your own use of them. For example, if someone points at a screen or monitor and says, “The computer is broken,” there’s probably no point in asking him how many partitions he has on his C: drive. Ask him if he’s pressed the green ON button.
Personal Experiences
Despite having spent a lot of time in school, very few people speak the way a grammar textbook tells you to. We tend to add superfluous, unnecessary words, like, all over the place, especially, you know, at the end of a sentence and stuff. Or begin sentences with dependent clauses. If you hear somebody use expressions like this, do the same thing!
Trance Words
We all have favorite words. Words we use a lot, in all kinds of situations. They could be slang expressions, bits of jargon, or something completely different. Often they’ll be something we’ve picked up from someone else and made a habit of saying. We occasionally become painfully aware of these words. When we catch ourselves using one of them, we might burst out: “GAAAHH! I have to stop saying ‘awesome’!” But we have a lot of other favorite words that we don’t always notice in this way. These words personalize our use of language and make it slightly different from everyone else’s. Milton H. Erickson, the biggest name in modern hypnotherapy, called these personal words “trance words,” as in hypnotic trance. A very fast way of getting into rapport with somebody is to pay attention to her trance words, that is, words she often uses when speaking, and then use those words yourself. You begin speaking her language, showing her you’re just like her, and you will be clearly understood since you even use the same words when you speak.
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I understand if you’re starting to feel that I’m asking too much of you. How are you supposed to listen to how somebody else is using her voice, adapt your own voice to it, while discovering and following her personal language usage—preferably including an analysis of her syntax—and remember what you were going to say? Believe me, it’s not as difficult as it sounds. Just as you already adapt your body language somewhat to others, you already do a lot of these things.
Let me give you a mundane example of mind reading: I know that at some time, you ended a phone conversation, and the other people in the room with you knew who you’d been talking to without you having mentioned any names or given them any other clues during the conversation. When you asked them how they knew, they said they could hear it from the way you spoke. Sound familiar? I thought so. They could tell who you were talking to because you sounded like the person on the other end, that is to say, you adapted your voice and language to sound more like the person you were talking to. It was most likely somebody close to you, who you are in good rapport with. Remember, we want acceptance and respect. We want social interaction. We want rapport.
Breathe, Damn You, Breathe!
Rapport by Breathing
A basic method for effective rapport is to adapt your breathing to somebody else’s. The thing most writers and instructors who teach this forget to mention is how insanely difficult it usually is to see somebody breathe. Even after extensive training, seeing how somebody is breathing can be almost impossible. (I am not telling you not to bother; on the contrary, if you suddenly notice somebody’s breathing, you could by all means adapt to his breathing pattern.)
Breathing is visible in different ways depending on how the person is breathing: heavily or lightly, with the chest or with the diaphragm. You should keep an eye on the person’s stomach, chest, shoulders, and neck. Sometimes, you can find somebody’s breathing rhythm by observing the movement of the shadow of his shoulders. You should also listen to the person’s speech. We don’t speak while inhaling, so by noticing where he pauses in his speech, you can tell when he is breathing in.
The point of trying to follow somebody’s breathing, that is, to breathe at the same speed and with the same intensity, is this: when you’re breathing along with somebody, you are entering the same bodily tempo as the other person. This means that a lot of the things you would otherwise need to pay attention to for rapport purposes come naturally to you. When you change the tempo of your breathing, your body language and speech will follow automatically. It will also make it easier for you to find a matching voice level.
If you can synchronize your breathing completely with that of another person, the connection between you can feel magical. Unfortunately, it’s far from easy to do. Physical differences can sometimes even make it impossible to breathe exactly the same as somebody else. My ex-wife is about five feet two inches tall, and weighed 104 pounds when we were married. I am five feet nine inches and weigh 163 pounds. On top of this, she breathed with her chest, which meant she inhaled less air than her lung capacity would have allowed. I couldn’t follow her breathing for more than a minute before losing my breath. Of course, you’re not supposed to be asphyxiating yourself by trying to follow somebody’s breathing. But try to get your breathing as close as you can without struggling.
As I said earlier, use your knowledge about the other person’s tempo for all rhythmic actions, like nods or handshakes, so these motions will also be paced correctly and won’t break your rapport.
At first, you’ll get good mileage out of trying to observe the person’s general tempo rather than trying to follow his or her breathing exactly, and then beginning to breathe at that tempo without worrying about following each and every breath. It’s quite possible you will begin to follow the person’s breathing exactly after a while, but even if you don’t, you will have achieved the most important thing: synchronizing your general tempo.
Noticing somebody’s breathing and trying to breathe the same way is also a quick way to understand the mood somebody is in. This kind of knowledge is useful in situations where you feel like you’re in rapport but that something is disturbing your relationship. Start following the other person’s
breathing. If you notice that the person is breathing fast and high up in the chest, even though she seems calm and safe, you can tell that there is most likely some concern she is trying to hide from you. This kind of information is priceless in a lot of situations. The best thing is that you don’t need to remember which moods belong with which type of breathing. By simply breathing the way the other person is, you will feel the mood, in this case anxiety, yourself, and so you’ll know exactly what emotional state she is in.
CUDDLE EXERCISE
If you know somebody you can cuddle without having to explain that it is part of a rapport-making exercise—maybe your partner at home—you should cuddle that person in a way that makes his or her breathing very clear to you. Begin by noticing the vast difference between breathing in sync and breathing out of sync with each other. Follow the other’s breathing for a minute or so. Then carefully change the pace of your own breathing. If the other person follows your change unconsciously, you have established rapport by using your breathing.
Hypnosis experts Martin Nyrup and Ian Harling suggest trying this without any clothes on. If you are lucky enough to have somebody you can cuddle with in the nude (I recommend it be somebody you know), at sleep time, for instance, you should try breathing in and out of sync in those conditions. You will sense a very clear and tangible difference between, on the one hand, total connectedness, and on the other hand, an uncomfortable sense of being alienated from the person who is close to you.
The Energizer Bunny vs. Garfield, the Cat
Pay Attention to Energy Levels
Let’s zoom out a little and get a more holistic view of the person you are trying to get into rapport with. Of course, you need to be able to notice where this person is in terms of emotional state and energy levels. Later on in this book, I will teach you to identify different emotional states in a lot more detail than is possible based purely on breathing. The best way to determine somebody’s energy levels, however, is to observe his posture and breathing, and use your prior knowledge of the person in question.
Some people are a little withdrawn before lunchtime. They get to work in the morning, mumble something resembling “g’mornin’,” and sink into their chairs. They are wearing invisible “do not disturb” signs until eleven or so, and it’s not until after lunch, or their fifth cup of coffee, that they actually open their eyes and crawl out of their shells. This doesn’t mean their work is any less good. It just means the social aspects of their beings need longer to kick into gear. These people rarely have particularly fast bodily tempos, even after five cups of coffee (all that does is make them jittery). They’re like Garfield, the cat. We’re all in that mood from time to time, but for some of us it is more of a permanent state.
Then, of course, we have their opposites: the people who are always full of energy, perseverance, and determination. They run six miles to work each morning, swoop into the office with a big smile, half an hour before everybody else shows up, and almost never miss their lunchtime workouts. And at the end of the day, they run all the way back home.
I once had a colleague who was like that. He was, or rather is, a father of seven. That hour he spent alone at the office every day—after he had run or cycled to work—was spent on editing his home videos from the weekend, including DVD menus and extra audio tracks. He’s nothing like Garfield; he’s more of an Energizer Bunny type.
Garfield and the Energizer Bunny can have a hard time getting along.
You might be one of those people who shows up at work bursting with energy. If you encounter a sleepy and introverted colleague, whose approval you happen to be in desperate need of for a project, it might be a good idea to tone yourself down a bit. Try not to be enthusiastic enough for both of you, at least at first. If you turn up with a loud cheer, fresh from the gym, spilling protein powder all over his laptop, you’re almost guaranteed a no. It goes the other way, too. If you’re one of those slow, cautious people, you could probably use a way to fire yourself up. It’s likely that your lethargy is a little annoying to the more energetic people around you. Fortunately, there is an easy way to fix this.
ENERGY EXERCISE
Do you remember how you used body language to make positive change happen for your friend when she was down? It worked because our physical and mental states are connected. You can use the same principle to change you own mood or energy level. You simply start acting as if you were more energetic or happy. Imagine the face you would have, and how you would be sitting, standing, or moving your body if you had a lot more energy than you do right now. At first you may feel a little strange, but you’ll soon notice that you actually are more energetic and positive than just before. Let the bodily reactions that you can control, what you’re doing with your muscles and motion, activate processes in your brain. Fake it ’til you make it, basically.
Or, as the famous psychologist William James put it already in 1922, in this proto self-help book On Vital Reserves: The Energies of Men, The Gospel of Relaxation: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.”
So the best way to make yourself happy when you’re not is to sit as if you hadn’t a care in the world, look around with a happy face, and act and talk as if you were happy!
Energy levels are not very difficult to figure out. It’s more a matter of common sense than detailed analysis for adaptation of your communication tools, even though the results will be the same, of course. Remember what I’ve taught you about observation, following and establishing rapport. Is eight o’clock in the morning really the right time to show somebody your wonderful report full of good ideas? Could you schedule the meeting for after lunch, when you know the other person will be more receptive? If that won’t work, you have to take care to present yourself in a way that matches well with the way the other person is feeling. If you don’t, you could face stiff resistance. Not because your ideas aren’t good, but because your energy levels are not well matched with the person you’re talking to.
Say It Like You Mean It
Be Consistent in Your Words and Actions
When we communicate with somebody, we cause different emotional states in that person, whether we want to or not. It can be done intentionally, like when we tell somebody something to make the person happy or angry or surprised. Expressions we want an emotional response to could be the following:
“Did you hear what happened?”
“I can’t stand Adam Sandler!”
“I love you.”
Causing emotional states can also be done unintentionally, like when what we say starts off a chain of emotional associations in the person we’re talking to, without our even knowing it. “How’s it going?” is something we often say with no purpose beyond acknowledging the other person. But if things are bad enough, even an innocent question like that can cause somebody to burst into tears.
We also change people’s emotional states by displaying, and hence projecting, our own emotions. If we’re happy, people around us tend to be in good cheer. If we’re down, so are they, even when we don’t say anything. Often we’ll even ask people explicitly to enter different emotional states:
“Cheer up!”
“Calm down!”
To make them understand what we mean, and to seem credible, we have to project the emotion we’re asking for while we say these kinds of things. If you want to calm somebody down, the wrong way to do it is to grab his shoulders, shake him about, and scream “CALMDOWNDAMMIT!!!” into his face. If you want to make somebody relax, you need to be relaxed. As a parent, I am well aware of how incredibly difficult this can be at times. But it is important nonetheless. To get the person you’re talking to into the emotional state you’re asking for, you have to exemplify it and show what you mean. You’re better off yawning while you ask, “Are you tired, too?” than saying it while you’re doing your exercise rou
tine, at least if you want to provoke tiredness.
If you want to calm somebody down, you have to radiate calmness yourself. Don’t speak too loudly, avoid fidgeting, and make sure you’re breathing deeply, not at the top of your chest. If you want somebody to feel confident, you can’t just talk about being confident, you have to act like you are confident. By doing this, you’re also making a very clear suggestion, that is, a proposition or instruction given to start processes in the unconscious mind of the other person (there will be more about this clever stuff later on). It’s not just about showing what you mean; you make the person understand what you’re talking about in a direct, emotional way, and you show him that it’s not such a big deal to get there. By establishing emotional understanding, you also create an intimate and personal experience of the same feeling in the person you’re communicating with. Talking about something means relating to it on an external and analytical level, but understanding it emotionally is an internal, personal experience. Internal experiences are always the strongest. Just think of the difference between talking about a loving hug as opposed to getting one. Which would you prefer?
If there is a disconnect between the words spoken and what is communicated by body language and tone of voice, the wordless message will take priority. If somebody shouts at you to calm down, two different emotional states are communicated: the external one (the words) and the internal one (the experience). Which one will you follow? Does a situation like this make you relax, or wind you up? You don’t need to be an expert mind reader to realize that the latter is the right answer.
The Art of Reading Minds Page 4