Opinion Aikido
The Noble Art of Agreeing with People
Another powerful tool for making rapport is to agree. I know, it sounds like something a pushover would do. But I mean it. Here’s how to do it: try to find some attitude or opinion held by the other person that you are prepared to agree with. This is extra important if you are also intending to try to get this person to change his or her mind about something later on. If you’re looking to inform others about how things really are, you risk running into resistance if you tell the other person she is wrong. She’ll enter defense mode instead of listening. The worst thing you can do if you want to convince somebody to adopt your opinions is to confront her directly. Rapport is all about making the person you’re communicating with realize that you understand her, that you’re just like her. That goes for opinions, too.
Of course, you shouldn’t do this to the extent that you have to betray your own values and principles. However, there is usually something you can agree on. If you encounter somebody in a negotiation wherein your positions are diametrically opposed, perhaps at least you both like boats. Or The Witcher 3. Even if you think the other person has completely misunderstood the issue being discussed or is simply out of his mind, you can still always agree that if you were in his position (that is, if you had misunderstood everything, too, but of course you never say this) you would feel the same as he does. Even if you’re dealing with a real crook, it’s still true to agree that I would do the same thing if I were you. The simple words “If I were you, I would react in exactly the same way” can work wonders for your rapport. If you think about it, it’s really obvious that if you were the other person, you would do what he’s doing. But that’s not how it is received; rather, we take it as evidence that somebody understands us.
Finding something to agree to, and starting from that, is the same kind of principle as you would use in the martial art of aikido. If you try to get in the way of the other person’s opinions by saying, “You’re wrong,” you’ll only start a mental wrestling match that will end up being exhausting and unproductive for both of you. Instead of getting in the way, when you say, “I feel the same way you do,” you stand next to her. The energy from the other person, which you would have spent all your efforts on containing, can now be used to propel you both toward a different destination. You adopt the role of a follower rather than presenting an obstacle. The person you’re talking to won’t mind at all, since you’re now suddenly working together to reach a common goal instead of struggling to determine who is right. You’re in rapport. You are in the same place and share the same understanding. Aikido is all about not getting in the way of your opponent’s momentum, and instead using it to topple your opponent if necessary.
Shakespeare for President
To a great extent, maybe entirely, our reality is constituted by our ideas of what is true. To manipulate somebody’s beliefs is, therefore, to influence that person’s reality. Skilled politicians have been aware of this for a long time. When you’re in the opposition, it’s always best to begin by agreeing with the more popular opinion before formulating the changes for the better that you would like to add. In Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar, Brutus, the man who had been closest to the Roman dictator, is accused of murdering Caesar, a crime he is guilty of. “Et tu, Brute?” But at Caesar’s funeral, Brutus gives a passionate speech that convinces the people he has actually done a good deed. No matter how much Brutus loved Caesar, he realized that Caesar’s deluded leadership was leading them all to ruin. Despite understanding the consequences for him personally, he decided this was the only solution. His heinous crime was motivated by his love for Rome, not by any hate for Caesar.
You simply have to love a guy like that, so the people are prepared to forgive him. However, Mark Antony is waiting in the wings and also has a speech prepared for the funeral. He wants to get Brutus convicted of murder, so he chooses to speak last, giving him the opportunity to hear what Brutus has to say first. When Antony’s turn comes, he begins his speech with a surprising statement: he agrees with everybody, praising Brutus as a man of honor. Once Antony has made it clear to everybody that he agrees with them, the stage is set for his rhetoric. During the speech, he uses clever emotional arguments to make the listeners conclude that the murder was unjustified and that the murderer should be banished. If he’d started off by saying that—his actual opinion on the matter—nobody would have listened to him. So instead of getting in the way and being an obstacle, he begins by agreeing, in order to be able to take on the role of a follower. Mark Antony must have held a black belt in opinion aikido. And with rhetorical skills of that level, Shakespeare, who wrote the whole thing, should have entered politics.
First Agree, Then Lead
In summary: you shouldn’t betray your own values and principles when you use opinion aikido. You shouldn’t have to lie, either. All rapport has to be based on sincerity. Sometimes, finding common opinions or values is no problem, but there are situations in which it can be a lot more difficult. In negotiations and debates, the different parties are assumed to hold opposing opinions.
If you’re too opposed to the issue under discussion or negotiation, it can be a good idea to find another issue for which you might have some common ground. If you can’t find any common values at all, which could happen if you’re having an argument with somebody in a tinfoil hat, you can always say, “If I were you, I’d feel exactly the same as you do. I would be upset about the radio transmissions they were sending to my teeth, as well.” Naturally, this is always true. If you were the other person, of course, you would feel the same way.
If somebody storms into the room with a cloud of anger about her head, slams her fist down on the table, and shouts, “This is UNACCEPTABLE!!” the best thing for you to do is get up, put whatever you’re doing down with a loud bang, and loudly state, “I AGREE!! I understand COMPLETELY why you think it’s unacceptable! If I were you, I’d think it was too!” That is, use opinion aikido, while matching her body language, tone of voice, and energy level. Then, after lowering the volume and tempo of your voice a little, and perhaps even sitting down on the edge of the table, you continue: “But do you know what? I think there’s a way we can solve this.” You start leading, both toward a more suitable emotional state and toward the new approach or idea you have that you know might change her idea of the situation. Apart from setting a solid foundation for solving the problem together, this is a great way to extinguish the fire in people with quick tempers. A person who is angry is looking for opposition, a struggle, and wants you to get in her way so she can direct her anger at you. By affirming her anger, claiming she is entitled to be upset, and agreeing with her, you can quickly subdue her anger.
Your goal, as is always the case with rapport, is to make the other person realize you understand her. That you feel the same and are the same as her. This way, she’ll also be much more willing to listen to your suggestions. If you seem to be in the same place, the other person will make more of an effort to see the value of your ideas, since that’s a way to stay in rapport. If I were you, I would feel exactly the same. There’s nothing to it.
Opinion Kung Fu: Crouching “and,” Hidden “but” Style
Connecting Different Propositions
A simple technique for seemingly agreeing and making people go along with possibly dubious argumentation is to use the word “and” instead of “but.” The word “but” signals reservation, while “and” ties phrases and propositions together. The linking function of “and” is so strong that it makes no difference if the two propositions being connected actually contradict each other. Good politicians have learned how to use “and” linkages. Compare these two situations, where Swift, the politician, begins by scoring some quick points by talking about something everybody considers important:
Situation 1
SWIFT: “We want to improve health care, so we have to raise taxes.”
GULLIVER: “We want to improve health
care, too, but we want to lower taxes.”
Situation 2
SWIFT: “We want to improve health care, so we have to raise taxes.”
GULLIVER: “I agree with you that we need to improve health care, and that’s why we want to lower taxes.”
In the first debate, Gulliver positions herself on the other side of the fence by using the word “but,” which means she is contradicting Swift. By doing this, Gulliver is losing a lot of votes. In the second debate, Gulliver will score the same easy points as Swift, despite not having changed her message, and despite it still being the opposite of Swift’s! “And” gives any proposition an almost causal quality, where what follows after the “and” is perceived as a near unavoidable consequence of whatever precedes it. The reservation expressed by “but” has the opposite effect.
How to Make Pen Pals
Rapport by Email
The same principles you would use in a personal meeting or a phone call will apply for written communications, which are ever more important in people’s lives thanks to new technologies used in emails, text messages, and chats. Despite what you might think, you can try to follow someone’s “tone of speech” even in writing. Is the person on the other end serious or lighthearted? Is she writing long sentences or short ones? Using formal language or informal? Several short paragraphs or one long one? What about personal language usages, like jargon or foreign expressions? Can you identify any trance words? How about hidden opinions? Find the form of expression the other person is using, and adapt to it as much as you can.
If you get this mail:
hey … checking for friday … still going to happen? /sa
you shouldn’t answer like this:
Hi Samus!
I have investigated the matter, and concluded the most effective solution would be to schedule the meeting for the afternoon instead. Please get back to me, at your convenience, to confirm whether or not that would suit your current schedule.
Best Regards,
Henrik Fexeus
A more appropriate response would be:
hey there—friday pm ok instead?
hf
This is especially important in cases of email communication. Email has not, as people once anticipated, replaced the written letter. At least not in terms of how we use it to communicate. Email has rather replaced the telephone call. When we send emails, we express ourselves in ways that are very close to the ways we speak. The problem is that speech is entirely dependent on our use of our voice and face (or even body) to make proper sense. We need tone of voice, tempo, raised or lowered intonation at the end of sentences, emphasis using our eyebrows, head motions, and so on to really be able to decode what is said to us. (There will be more about using facial expressions to emphasize words later on.) But in email, none of these things are available. We use the words the same way we do when we speak, but without the framework to properly understand them. This is why emojis were invented, as well as strange acronyms, like lol, imho, brb (in case you don’t know, they mean “laugh out loud,” “in my humble opinion,” and “be right back,” respectively), and so on, to make sure people won’t take a joke seriously or think we’re trying to show off. Using the same words, phrases, and descriptions as the other person becomes vital, as it’s not only a way of establishing rapport, but also creates some level of understanding.
An Old Shortcut
Getting People to Talk About Themselves
The fact that the thing everybody wants to talk about the most is themselves is an old nugget of wisdom. Early master of rapport Dale Carnegie wrote as early as 1936 that if you want people to think you’re a great conversation partner, all you need to do is get them to talk about themselves. After that, you can simply sit there, nodding and making an occasional encouraging noise!
Getting somebody to talk about herself is, naturally, also a good way of getting her into a state where she isn’t consciously paying attention to what you’re doing, as mentioned earlier. It’s a good idea for occasions when you’d like to practice matching body language. But most of all, getting people to talk about themselves is a quick shortcut to good rapport.
Putting It to the Test
Making Sure You’re in Rapport
There are several different ways of making sure you’re in rapport with somebody. One of the reasons for establishing rapport is to make you able to lead the other, so why not begin by checking if you can do that? Make a change in your body language or speech tempo, and see if the other person follows you. If she’s following you, she’ll make the same change herself. When you’re in good rapport, you take turns leading and following each other. If the person you’re establishing rapport with doesn’t follow when you try to lead, you go back to following and reestablish the relationship. Then wait for a new opportunity to start leading. Most interactions involve constant following and leading, back and forth, until both parties are agreed or the conversation is over.
Where Is the Other Person’s Focus?
Noticing where the other person is focusing her attention is a good thing to do if you want to make sure you have her interest. You want her to be sitting comfortably, preferably with both feet on the floor or with one leg crossed over the other, so that it’s clear she’s not about to head off somewhere. If you are standing up, the other person’s feet should be pointed straight at you. A macho pose, most commonly used by men, with the legs spread wide and maybe even thumbs planted in the pants pockets, reveals a confident attitude. Somebody whose legs are parallel to each other is adopting a neutral attitude to you. Crossed legs either mean the person needs to go to the bathroom or feels inferior to you. All of these different leg positions, however, mean that the person is prepared to listen to you. The only difference is where the owner of those legs positions him- or herself in the social ladder compared to you.
CONFIDENT
NEUTRAL
INFERIOR
MOVING AWAY
On the other hand, a “cowboy position,” with one leg slightly bent and the foot pointing to the side, indicates that the person is already moving away from you in his mind.
The last picture is a frozen tai chi moment. This person has started shifting his weight to one leg, started to move, and is frozen midway. Don’t get that confused with simply standing with one leg in front of the other. We often do that, but keep our center of gravity back. In this case, the center of gravity has moved forward. He is standing still at the moment, but once the motion is finished, the center of gravity will be moved across the leg, the leg will stretch, and he’ll be walking away. This doesn’t necessarily mean that this person has grown tired of your company, even though it could mean that. It just means that somewhere in his mind, he’s started to consider what to do next. Maybe he has an appointment to keep, or has noticed somebody else he should talk to while he has the opportunity, and so on. No matter how much this person wants to continue listening to you, you no longer have his undivided attention, so you might as well do him a favor and finish the conversation as soon as you can. Whatever you do, don’t try to make some final, important points as you end the conversation. Chances are he won’t remember them anyway. If you still have important things left to say, you’re better off saving them for the next time you meet, so you should finish things quickly and make an appointment to meet again.
To be absolutely sure his focus is on you, you would also like the person to be looking you in the eyes as you speak, and not looking past you, looking at your ears, or scanning the room for emergency exits (both physical and psychological). If you are seated, an interested person will also lean toward you slightly.
Observe the Pupils
You can also observe the size of people’s pupils. It may seem difficult to keep track of things like this, but it’s easier than you think. When something interests us, our pupils dilate. In a study, body-language experts Patryk and Kasia Wezowski found that this dilation is 5–15 percent, which makes it far too subtle to allow you to discern whether
someone’s pupils are larger or smaller than usual, but still obvious enough that the actual change itself, the movement when the pupil dilates or contracts, will be clearly noticeable. What you’re looking for, therefore, are changes in pupil size. Of course, the pupils are also affected by things like light and dark. In dark rooms, we need more light to be able to see, so our pupils open wider. The fact is that all it takes for somebody’s pupils to expand is for you to be wearing dark clothes when you’re talking to him or her. So large pupils do not necessary mean that you have rapport or that somebody is interested in you. It might just be a reaction to the lighting, or an indication that the person is as high as a kite, for instance. So what you’re actually looking for are changes. If you see someone’s pupils dilate while the environmental conditions (like lighting) remain the same, it’s a sign that he or she has become more interested and involved in what you’re talking about.
I don’t know if it’s true or not, but there are loads of books that describe how jade merchants in ancient China started to wear spectacles darkened with soot to conceal their pupils. Tradition demanded bargaining and haggling over the price when one bought gemstones, and if the buyer was seen to be particularly interested in a certain piece of jade, the price would obviously go up.
PUPIL EXERCISE
Start talking to someone about something terribly boring, like the fact that the copy machine at your office is broken. Note the size of the person’ pupils at this point. This is the neutral size, which is caused by lighting conditions. Now change the subject and talk about something you know interests this person a lot: her children or her boat, for example. Notice the obvious dilation of the pupils, which occurs as she becomes more interested in the conversation. It’s just like watching a camera lens open up.
The Art of Reading Minds Page 5