The Art of Reading Minds

by Henrik Fexeus

  Control Questions

  To make sure the EAC model really applies to somebody, you can ask control questions that cause a person to think about specific sensory impressions, and then look at her eyes as she answers. Here are some examples of control questions and prompts:

  Visual Memory

  How does the carpet in your living room look?

  What color is your car?

  Describe how your best friend looks.

  Visual Construction

  How would you look with long/short hair?

  Imagine painting your house with stripes.

  How would you write your name upside down?

  Auditory Memory

  How does your favorite song begin?

  Imagine the sound of your alarm clock going off.

  Do you remember exactly what she said before she left?

  Auditory Construction

  Can you imagine Barack Obama on helium?

  What kinds of voices do you think Laurel and Hardy had?

  How would Bruce Springsteen sound under water?

  Kinesthetic Memory

  Do you remember how hot it was last summer?

  How does a pair of ripe old socks smell?

  Imagine eating a lemon.

  Talking to Yourself (Internal Dialogue)

  Can you ask yourself if you often speak to yourself?

  What do you say when you’re completely alone and something goes wrong?

  Speech and Understanding

  How Our Senses Affect Our Language

  Another way of finding out which kinds of sensory impressions somebody prefers is to listen to the person speak. Speech is full of predicates, words that describe actions, and metaphors, images and similes we use to describe things. According to writers Joseph O’Connor and John Seymour, the kind of sensory impression we prefer determines the kinds of words and phrases we use in our speech.

  Visual Words

  A visual person uses words that make sense in visual contexts. She prefers words like: look, focus, picture, portray, insight, shiny, visualize, perspective, see, foresee, clarify, illustrate, reveal, illusion, show, vision, light.

  She uses expressions like:

  I need to take a closer look at this.

  I see your point.

  I want to see you.

  Show me what you mean.

  In ten years, you’ll look back at this and laugh.

  The future looks bright.

  She’s a colorful person.

  Without a shadow of a doubt.

  This has tinted your opinions.

  Like a flash of lightning from a clear blue sky.

  Auditory Words

  An auditory person will use different words that ring true to her: say, emphasis, rhythm, loud, tone, monotonous, deaf, ring, ask, tell, discuss, comment, audible, listen, mute, screaming, dissonant, voice, harmonious.

  She says things like:

  Listen to what I have to say.

  He voices his opinions.

  What a loud color!

  We’re on the same wavelength.

  Living in harmony with nature.

  It rings a bell.

  Word for word.

  I’ve never heard anything like it.

  I think I speak for all of us.

  So to speak.

  Kinesthetic Words

  A kinesthetic person (most often a touch- or emotions-oriented person, but in this context also one whose primary sense is taste or smell) feels the most comfortable using terms like: touch, handle, press, tight, warm, cold, contact, tension, stress, solid, sore, hold, grasp, tangible, heavy, light, even, hard, sour, juicy.

  She will emphasize expressions such as:

  Get a taste of this.

  That stinks.

  Are we going to rush into something new?

  It finally sunk in.

  Between a rock and a hard place.

  I could feel it all over my body.

  We’ve only scratched the surface.

  I can’t quite pin it down.

  He’s a fragile personality.

  A good foundation to work from.

  She’s sweet.

  Neutral Words

  Finally, a neutral person, who prefers internal dialogue with words that are not related to the senses, like: decide, determine, think, remember, know, note, understand, estimate, alert, process, motivate, learn, change, aware, able, statistically, logically.

  I cannot give you a list of metaphors since neutral people stay away from those expressions as much as possible. You could sum it up by saying they speak more or less like an academic paper.

  The irony is that in their efforts to avoid being misunderstood, neutral people leave themselves open to interpretation. Since the people listening often do so from the point of view of a different sensory impression, they are free to interpret the message, often altering the original message somewhat. By avoiding using words associated with sensory impressions, the “neutrals” also tend to make their own speech much harder to understand, since it becomes more abstract without the sensory words. After all, we use sensory words to make things easier to understand, by comparing things to something we have a direct relationship to, like seeing, feeling, or hearing something.

  As you may have started to suspect, our primary sense affects not only our linguistic practices but also what will receive our attention and seem significant to us. If a visual person, an auditory person, and a kinesthetic person went to a concert together and were asked what it was like, their conversation could sound something like the following. Can you guess who’s who?

  “They had rearranged all of the songs, very exciting. Great PA, but I wonder why they had to play so loud?”

  “I couldn’t see much, but it was a great stage show. The finale was incredibly sparkly.”

  “I thought it was very crowded and warm, but it was still an experience that had a great impact on me.”

  Asked why he wasn’t allowed to go with them, their friend mumbled, “I’ve been asking myself the same thing.”

  Our Senses Determine Who We Are

  Even such basic things about ourselves as our chosen occupations are affected by which primary sense we have. Architects need to be good at visualizing complex three-dimensional models. To be able to do this, they need a well-developed visual sense. Just about every music producer is an auditory person. A good athlete needs to be kinesthetic to have the right kind of awareness of her body. Neutral or internal people make good lawyers. Studies made concerning people’s chosen professions have shown that this is not just an interesting theory, but actually corresponds to fact.

  Knowledge of the primary sense of the person you’re communicating with can be used to adapt what you say to her. Completely different things and experiences can be significant in the life of a visual person as opposed to a kinesthetic or auditory person. Find out which kind of sensory impressions she prefers, and use the words she would use. A visual person should be asked if she’s seen the advantages; an auditory person needs to hear about all the benefits; and a kinesthetic person needs to know that it feels right. Use metaphors and descriptions the same way, and make sure you are talking about the kinds of things you know are important to her. In other words, the things she herself focuses on, listens for, and puts weight on. With a visual person, you want to speak in images, painting pictures of bright futures, how to focus on your vision and not lose perspective. There’s no use telling a visual person she needs to build a solid foundation to avoid future pitfalls. Those are kinesthetic words, and she won’t understand what you mean. I’m sure you’ve been in a situation where you’re arguing with somebody who really seems to mean the same thing you do, but you still can’t agree. Often, it goes like this:

  HIM: “But can’t you see what I mean?”

  YOU: “Yes, I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t understand your argument.”

  You’re simply speaking different languages. But now you can adapt your speech to the way the othe
r person understands, thinks about, and communicates to the world:

  HIM: “But can’t you see what I mean?”

  YOU: “Okay, I’ll give this a really good look this time.”

  Lots of Them

  Rapport with Several People at Once

  If you’re communicating with several people at once, at a meeting for instance, you should make sure you use in your communication all the different sensory impressions. Let’s say you’re giving a presentation. Apart from telling the audience about your topic (for the auditory people), make sure you always use a lecture pad or PowerPoint presentation (for the visuals) and have hard copies of your document (for the kinesthetics to hold on to). For the neutral people, make sure your arguments are logical and easy to follow. In this way you can maximize everybody’s potential for understanding. Also, make sure the expressions you choose switch between the various kinds of sensory words. Look over your most important points and write up a script in advance. If all you do is express yourself as usual, a large number of people in the audience, the ones who don’t have the same primary sense as you do, will have a harder time understanding what you’re trying to communicate. When you have something important to say, make sure you say it four times, once for each group of sensory impressions: “I hope you can see how important it is to focus on this, for you to hear what I say to you, and that you can feel the weight of my arguments—and for that to be the basis of a rational choice.”

  Try it out in real life! Before reading any further, put this book down, go out of your house (or office) and talk to people. Take care to notice what each person’s dominant sense is and adjust your communications accordingly. The rest of the book will be a lot more fun for you if you do.

  Dominant Senses

  How to Find Somebody’s Dominant Sense

  Sometimes, it can be hard to identify somebody’s primary sense through the EAC model or by listening for words. People who do not have a strong primary sense will use the various types of words to more or less the same degree. And there are always some people that are simply difficult to decode.

  Ask Open Questions

  You can simply come out and ask the person, “How would you like me to present this to you?” People are often sufficiently aware of their preferences to be able to give you a useful answer to that question. Some will ask you to tell them what you want to say. Others will ask you to write it down and give them some diagrams or pictures to look at. Still others will tell you that the most important thing is for them to get a good feeling of the situation so they will know they can trust you.

  You can also use the old car-salesman trick of asking control questions and listening to the answers. Start by asking, “Does this look good to you?” If you don’t get a meaningful response, switch to “What aspects of this have you discussed before?” or “I’d like to know how you feel about this.” Pay attention to which kinds of questions works best, and then continue to use those kinds of words and expressions.

  Note Physical Attributes

  Harling and Nyrup, whom we discussed earlier, note that certain physical attributes are connected to preferred sensory impressions. I want to be very clear about the fact that what you are about to read includes some very broad generalizations. These are the most apparent in people with extremely dominant primary senses, but they still work quite well as part of a template for a rough first impression of somebody, before you’ve had the time to observe the person closer.

  Strongly visual people care a lot about how things—themselves especially—look. They are very observant of colors, shapes, and lighting. A strongly visual person is fast-paced. Since images come quicker to her than words do, a visual person needs to speak quickly to keep up, and she will often do so in a clear, fairly strong voice. Her high tempo of speech will in turn cause her to breathe faster, at the top of her chest, since she never has time to rest properly. Her body language will follow her words and be fast and jerky. Since visual memory is activated by looking up a little, you’ll often find visual people’s eyes in that position, although they will often take care to maintain eye contact with the person they’re speaking to.

  Visual children trying to figure out the answer to a question in school would often be told, “The answer isn’t written on the ceiling!” by their teachers. This would, of course, lead to them not being able to answer the question, as they had to keep looking straight ahead.

  An extremely tonal or auditory person thinks at the same tempo at which he speaks. This means he has a slower tempo than a visual person. He moves with focus but in a relaxed way, and gestures will often be made around the midsection. Since he uses auditory memories in his thinking, he will also easily be distracted by noises. If you begin talking to a tonal person who is trying to figure something out, he will often lose track of his thoughts. Like myself, for instance. Anybody who talks to me while I am measuring scoops of coffee has ruined the next pot for sure. An auditory person will often slant his head when he thinks, as if he is listening for something. He’ll breathe with his diaphragm and speak melodically, in a rhythmic, varied voice.

  A strongly kinesthetic person is very aware of how things feel, both inside and outside. The kinds of things a kinesthetic person will pay attention to are the sun glaring in her eyes, her seat being hard to sit on, and her sweater feeling cozy. Or that it’s a little warm, but that, on the whole, she feels good. A strongly kinesthetic person has a slow tempo. Before she says anything, she has to be sure it feels right. She speaks slowly, softly, and deeply, or in a thin, high voice. Her body language will often be minimal, and whatever of it she displays will be slow and revolve around the stomach area. A kinesthetic person breathes with her stomach, which is what everybody is really designed to do. Eye contact isn’t as important for taking in other people, but touch is more important. The archetype for a kinesthetic person would be Santa Claus, an overweight man with a beard in a thick sweater. Or the Betty Crocker–esque mom stereotype.

  No corresponding characteristics have been found for the neutral or internally reasoning people. Many neutral people look like kinesthetics, but far from all do. There is a theory that attempts to explain this connection. The idea is that since our kinesthetic senses, i.e., the bodily and emotional ones, are some of the first senses we develop, and abstract thinking (the neutral sense) shows up a lot later, some neutrals may have been kinesthetics to start with. An emotional trauma during their first years of life may have caused them to block their emotions behind a wall of abstract and strictly logical reasoning. As far as I can tell, the jury is still out on this theory.

  Observe Tempo

  What the previous section means, in summary, is that by simply paying attention to somebody’s tempo in their speech and body language, you can get an indication of what the person’s primary sense is likely to be, even before you’ve had a chance to follow his or her gaze or listen for specific words. The opposite is true, too. If you know which sense is the primary sense, you will have a good idea of the tempo the person will exhibit in breathing, speech, and motion. A visual person has a fast tempo, a kinesthetic person is slow, and an auditory person is somewhere in between. Knowing all that also means you know what to do. After a little practice you will also be able to follow the other person’s eye movements as she thinks. If a visual has her eyes pointed up and to the right as she describes something to you, you can mirror her thought process and move your own eyes the same way. This will give you the feeling that you’re seeing the same image she is. In the same way, you can listen for the same sounds or try to feel the same thing that the person you’re talking to is hearing or feeling. This isn’t something we pay conscious attention to, but it registers unconsciously and strengthens the sense of belonging and rapport.

  * * *

  If you understand what kind of sensory impressions the other person prefers, you’ll understand what he’s trying to say to you. By adapting your choice of words to the way the other person thinks and perceives the world, you
can express yourself without any danger of being misunderstood. But more important, you will express yourself like he does and talk about the kinds of things he finds meaningful. This shows him you think the same way, and at the same time it provides you with a fantastic and intimate insight into how his mental processes function.

  Earlier, I told you to follow external behavior like body language, tone of voice, tempo, and energy levels to establish rapport. With your new understanding of dominant senses and the EAC model, you can even adapt to the way the other person thinks. You might think that will make you as good a mind reader as you can get. But it doesn’t stop there. There is something else that affects our mental processes: our emotions. The way we feel at the moment has an impact on what goes through our heads and also determines how we interpret our experiences, like our encounters with other people. Fortunately, just as with body language and primary senses, we can also observe what other people are feeling, even when they try their hardest to hide it. In the next chapter, I’ll teach you how to do that, what different emotional expressions signify, and what to do when you’ve identified one.

  A Curious Thing

  Before we end this chapter, I have one more thing to add regarding the use of different words for different sensory systems. I decided to include this section later in the book because I hope that by now you might have had the time to go out and use the model.

  If not, please do.

  If you already have, I’m sure you will have experienced good results.

  And if that is the case, you might be interested to learn that I just might have told you a big fat lie.