by Britney King
When he finally pulled away, Amelie smiled, her expression clearly a little dazed. “So, I take it we’re doing it my way.” She smirked. Jack searched her eyes, his expression serious. He leaned in and kissed her again, slower this time. And although he still wasn’t quite sure whether he wanted to kiss her or kill her, all Jack knew was that he couldn’t help himself.
Jack surveyed the hotel room and turned back toward Amelie. “Um… Why is there only one bed?”
She grinned. This was so like Jack, she thought. “That’s all they had available.”
He turned and twisted the door handle as Amelie practically hurled herself at him, pushing the door closed. “Where are you going?”
“To get another room.”
Her face fell. “Why?”
Jack shook his head, moved her hand away from the door, opened it, and stepped into the hall. “Because I need my space. That’s why.”
Amelie stepped in front of him. Trying with all her might to force him backward, she shoved her palms into his chest but he didn’t budge. She spoke as her voice grew louder and louder with each word. “You said… you promised that we were going to do things my way.”
“That was before,” he said. He grabbed her wrist, swiped the key card, and yanked her back into the room to avoid a scene. Once inside, he let go.
“Before what?’” she probed.
Jack walked away from her, opened the curtains, and admired the beach view. “Before I figured out that I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.” He glanced over his shoulder and then back toward the ocean. Amelie had her hands on her hips, and her head cocked to the side. He could tell even without looking at her face that she was pissed. Jack focused on the ocean as he stared out the window.
“OH? And why is that?” she finally asked.
He glanced back over his shoulder again, this time to gauge his effect. “Because I’m afraid I might be falling in love with you.”
Amelie’s face twisted. She appeared utterly confused. “And what’s so wrong with that?”
It seemed the girl needed a challenge, and Jack had just decided he was the one to give it to her. He turned back to the window and smiled to himself. “Everything.”
Amelie showered. Jack slept. Or at least pretended to, anyway. Sometime after dusk, Jack noticed her standing in front of the window toweling her hair. “Look at all the lights,” she whispered to no one in particular. Then she turned suddenly. “Jack, get up,” she ordered, her face changing when she saw he was already propped up on one elbow watching her. “There’s a carnival.” She pointed toward the beach. “Get dressed. We’re going.”
Jack climbed out of bed, showered, and dressed. This was a bad idea. He hated carnivals. As they rode the elevator down, Amelie didn’t take her eyes off him. “Humor me, Jack,” she said as she reached for his hand, and they stepped out into the night air.
At the carnival, Amelie insisted on purchasing corn dogs, cotton candy, and fried things Jack couldn’t even name. She dragged him from one end to the other. She forced him on every ride imaginable, and she made sure to capture Jack in all his glory on film. On the tilt-a-whirl, they couldn’t resist first base. In the fun house, he hit second. On the Ferris wheel, they worked toward perfection, learning how the other liked to be kissed—which Amelie practically turned into an Olympic sport—complete with scoring and all. On The Zipper, she urged him toward third. And Jack humored her.
He couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was—the lights, the smells or the sounds, but Amelie was in her element there. She came alive, more alive than he’d ever seen her. That was Amelie: colorful, exciting, and a bit crazy. From then on Jack would always think of her like a carnival, minus the bad parts. She would sweep into town and bring with her all the excitement one could handle. You’d have the time of your life while she was there. Inevitably, though she would go, and with her a little piece of yourself, part of your joy, there would always be next year, you’d convince yourself. And that was that. Jack hated carnivals. They were too risky, he said. This one, however, wasn’t so bad. Unfortunately for Jack, there would be other carnivals in his future. But there would never be one that came even remotely close to comparing to the one that night. Little did he know then… he would spend the rest of his life chasing that feeling.
NINE
Amelie playfully pushed him backward on the bed. “Are we gonna do this or what?” she laughed.
“Amelie. This isn’t…”Jack started to say. She fell on top of him held her fingers to his lips. “Shh…” she whispered kissing him, pulling up to raise his shirt over his head. What the hell, Jack thought? Why not? He kissed her back. He stood and picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist, and then he laid her back on the bed. He carefully peeled off her tank top, and then slowly pulled her shorts down, watching her eyes the entire time. Any change in expression and he would’ve stopped. He leaned in, kissed her belly once, and tossed her shorts to the floor. He kissed her again softly, asked her if she were sure. When she nodded, he pulled back and reached for his wallet. “Why are you stopping?” she demanded, breathless.
Jack held up the condom. “For this.”
She grinned. “Oh. Right. Well, hurry up!”
Jack leaned down and kissed her forehead trying to buy time. Why, he wasn’t sure. “Are you sure that you’re sure about this, Amelie”?
She reached up, tugged on his chin, and pulled him down toward her. “Jack. I’m sure that I’m sure that I’m sure. Jesus. Now, stop talking so much. Unless, of course… you’re into that sort of thing.”
Jack smiled and took it slow, admiring every last inch of her. He wanted to get it right. He didn’t say another word.
He did well, he thought afterward, as they lay there wrapped up in each other, a sweaty, tangled mess, neither of them speaking for quite some time. “Wow,” she whispered when she’d finally caught her breath. “That was really… something.”
“Oh, yeah?” Jack asked grinning in the dark.
She inhaled and exhaled slowly. “I could spend my whole life here in this bed with you and be happy just doing that.”
You could lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink, his father liked to say. That night Jack realized his father was wrong. You absolutely could. He kissed her softly and then pulled back. “I’ve got good news for you then. There’s plenty more where that came from.”
The next morning, Jack kissed Amelie’s face until she stirred. Her eyes fluttered open. “Hey,” he said.
She looked confused. “What time is it?”
He checked his watch again. “A little before five.”
Amelie, yawned, stretched and then rolled over, facing him. “Again?”
“No.” He laughed. “I want you to come with me down to the beach.”
She narrowed her eyes. “You want to go to the beach. Now?”
“Yeah. There’s something I need to tell you,” he said, his face draining of color.
She rolled her eyes. “Oh, Jack… always so serious.” She got out of bed and made a beeline for the bathroom. “Let me pee and grab my camera, and we’ll head down.”
Once they reached the sand, Jack spread the blanket out and handed Amelie a bottle of orange juice he’d taken from his bag. She looked surprised. “How long have you been up?”
Jack watched her twist off the cap and chug the juice. “A while.”
She sat it down and picked up her camera. Adjusting the lens, she pointed toward the water. “I love it out here. The color of the sky, the quiet melancholy feeling, yet there’s still the sense of so much possibility. This has always been my favorite time of day. Just before the sun comes up.”
“Mine, too.” Jack remarked surprised at how she seemed to read his mind.
“Listen, there’s something I need to ask of you. A favor…”
She lowered the camera and looked at him, obviously intrigued. “Ok?”
“But first, there’s something I need to tell you. I need you t
o swear that you’ll never tell another soul what it is I’m about to tell you. Not a single person. You have to promise me that, Amelie.”
Amelie looked annoyed. “All right. I promise. Just spit it out, already. You’re really starting to freak me out.”
He took a deep breath and let it out. “I killed my mother.”
She dropped her camera and glared at him. “Your mother had cancer, Jack.”
“Yeah. But it wasn’t the cancer that killed her. It was me. Essentially, anyway. I mean, I’m the reason she’s not here. I helped her die. I hid her meds. I threw out the food she refused to eat. I lied for her. And I kept her secrets. Maybe if I hadn’t done all of those things, she’d still be here today. It’s just that… she told me she didn’t want to live like that anymore. She begged me. She told me she was sorry, that she’d do anything she could to be there for me, if she could. But that she was sick, and she didn’t want to be sick anymore. I didn’t know what else to do, so I helped her. It’s just, well… I know now that I should’ve done more. But I guess I just figured that if I weren’t a good enough reason for her to want to stick around, then what reason would ever be? I just didn’t expect her to die. I really didn’t…”
Amelie wiped the tears from his face. “Oh, Jack. I’m so sorry. But you have to know… somewhere deep down that you didn’t kill your mother. Cancer did. Cancer is a disease. A disease, which at it’s very being, is designed to kill. You did what you could. But… a ten-year-old kid has nothin’ on cancer. ”
Jack shifted. He sat straight up and quickly regained his composure. “Anyway, she left me all these letters… and I just can’t bring myself to read them. But I need to know, Amelie. I really need to know. It’s killing me...”
Amelie looked at him as though she just had the best idea of her entire life. “I’ll do it! I’ll read them for you. I can help you… make sense of it all.”
He smiled slightly and reached for her hand. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. What a crock of shit. His father was an idiot. “Would you?” he asked.
“Of course,” she replied toying with his fingers. She paused, looking off at the rising sun, before she turned back. “Oh, and Jack? While we’re spilling secrets here… there’s something I need to tell you, too.” She sighed and continued. “I lied…”
He glanced at her sideways, urging her to continue.
Amelie bit her lip, and then smiled a little. “My mother isn’t really in Europe.”
Jack and Amelie spent one more glorious day together before he insisted it was time he drove her back home to Austin. Even to this day, he wasn’t sure whether or not her mother knew about that little impromptu road trip. Knowing Amelie, he had a strong suspicion she probably didn’t. A few weeks later Jack mailed Amelie the letters. That fall he left for Princeton, where Amelie had promised to visit. There were many phone calls back and forth and several letters. But Amelie told him she didn’t want to discuss his mother’s letters over the phone. It didn’t seem right, she’d said. It was too personal a subject, she mentioned once.
For Jack, everything got better when he went off to school. He loved college life. He was in his element there. He thrived upon the steep competition and regimented schedule it took to maintain at a school like Princeton. Mostly though, he was happy to be out from under his father’s watchful eye and away from the house that contained so many memories.
One afternoon in late October, he returned to his room to find a message lying on his bed. He didn’t get many messages, so he knew right away it was from her. He glanced down at the piece of paper aware of the fact that his heart raced at the mere sight of her name. He picked up the note and read: Call me. I’m thinking about going somewhere for Christmas. And I want it to be somewhere with you. I’m thinking San Francisco... Let me know if you can make it.
For the next seven and half weeks, it’s all he could think about—seeing her. The only way he could even attempt to focus on his final exams was if he’d just hung up the phone with her. They’d talk for hours, late into the night. Jack’s phone bill was enormous, but he swore it was the best money he ever spent.
A few days before Christmas, Jack boarded a plane headed west where he met Amelie in the terminal at San Francisco International Airport. He waited anxiously as the passengers filed out toward the gate. His breath caught when he finally saw her. Somehow, she emerged from the jet way looking not only more grown up, but more beautiful than he’d remembered.
“I have big news. Big News!” she said throwing her arms around him. Jack kissed her cheek and took her carry-on from her hand.
“It’s so good to see you!” she shrieked, squeezing him tight. “How was your flight? How are you?”
Jack smiled, really taking her in. God, he’d missed that girl. No one else had ever been that happy to see him. “Better now,” he said when he could finally speak.
As soon as Amelie and Jack checked into the hotel, they promptly had sex. Which should have made Jack happy but it didn’t. She seemed different in that regard. More confident. And definitely, less innocent. After they finished, he watched Amelie as she stood at the counter and reapplied her makeup. “I thought you weren’t seeing anyone,” Jack hissed.
She stopped mid application and eyed him in the mirror. “I’m not.”
“So you’re not fucking anyone else either then?” he demanded.
Amelie did a double take. “I never said that.”
He threw his hands up. “So you are then. I knew it.”
She turned and faced him. “Did I miss something? Was there an agreement about that?’
Jack felt his face redden. “I didn’t think we needed to.”
Amelie turned back to the mirror and spoke slowly, matter of factly. “So you haven’t slept with anyone, Jack? That’s what you want me to believe? Because I don’t. Not for a second...”
“This isn’t about me.”
She smiled wryly and met his gaze head on. “Isn’t it?”
They were forty-five minutes late for their dinner reservation thanks to Jack’s insistence on make-up sex—sex to which Amelie happily obliged. Well, truth be told, they did twice. Once to make up. And once more for good measure.
Of course, Jack had slept with others, he thought to himself in the cab on the way to the restaurant. He was a freshman in college, for goodness sake. He just hadn’t expected her to. Still, out of all of the girls he had been with, not a one compared to her, not even remotely. His fraternity brothers liked to say that pussy was pussy. But Jack never saw it that way. To Jack, sex with other girls was just ok, never quite fulfilling. Kind of like an appetizer before the main course. All fluff, but little substance. Sex with Amelie, on the other hand, set him on fire. Not only was she the main course, she was dessert, too.
At dinner, they played catch up and made small talk. When their food came, Amelie cut into her steak and informed Jack all about some documentary she had watched on animal cruelty and how she’d since become a strict vegetarian. However, just this once, she said she was willing to make an exception seeing that this particular restaurant’s specialty was their world-renowned filets. As he listened to her go on and on about the specifics of exactly how and which methods were used to slaughter animals used for consumption—his own dinner suddenly became a whole lot less appealing. She, on the other hand, was devouring hers. “So, how’s Princeton treating you these days?” she finally asked.
“Can’t complain… School’s good. Work is good. You know… I was thinking. You really should come up when you graduate in the fall. There are lots of good schools out there for you to choose from.”
Amelie glanced at the floor and then back at Jack. “Yeah. Well… about that. Remember how I said I had big news?”
“Yeah.” He smiled. “It’s just that I’ve been a little distracted ever since… anyway, what’s up?”
She straightened her back in the chair. “I just received my acceptance letter to one of the top photography schools i
n the world, Jack! Can you believe it? I could not be more excited!” she squealed. “Like I could seriously die today and be happy just knowing I got in!”
“Wow. That’s great! Is it the one you mentioned before… what was the name of it?” Jack asked as he moved the food around his plate with his fork.
She swallowed and shook her head. “No. This one’s abroad. In France, actually.
Jack furrowed his brow. “Oh.”
Amelie was so excited she practically levitated off the chair. “Yeah.”
Jack cocked his head to the side. “So it’s a four year program?”
She nodded.
“But you’re going to wait for the school you wanted, right? Your first choice… God! For the life of me, I can’t recall the name of it...”
She shifted. “Actually, I’m not. I’ve accepted… early. I leave just after the New Year.”
Jack placed his napkin on the table and leaned back in his chair. Amelie watched his face grow red, his jaw tighten. He leaned forward and lowered his voice. “So that’s what this is? This little trip of yours? It’s a hey, Jack! Guess what? Fucking see you later, sayonara… trip.”
Amelie was caught off guard by his anger. “Jack. No. It isn’t like that at all. I… I thought you’d be happy for me.”
He stood and slid his chair in. “Then you’re obviously crazier than I fucking thought.”
TEN
That Christmas, Jack and Amelie spent five amazing days together in The City by the Bay. When they weren’t busy staying holed up in their hotel room, they’d hop on The Bart and putter around San Francisco, taking it all in. It was somewhere around Chinatown that Jack recalled his anger begun to fade. Over lunch in Union Square, he told her how much he’d missed her, how he’d thought of her every day. It was on a bench under The Golden Gate where Jack told her he loved her for the first time.