No One Is Innocent

by Gayle Tiller

  But not anymore. I can't deal with the emotional pain you have caused me.

  My heart feels like its being held together by safety pins and the bleeding won't stop.

  I can't deal with the bullshit anymore. I just can't. So this time is for real.

  And it isn't for another man, but for me.

  Michael isn't even a possibility, because he is totally in love with that Sunday school girlfriend of his.

  Anyway, he was just a substitute for you, when you weren't there. Which doesn't make a lot of sense- a devout, born again Christian for a married man.

  But hell, when did my life ever make sense?

  Patrice always said that I went from one extreme to the other.

  But Keith, I am 31 years old and I am tired of playing games.

  I want a man who is single. Not one who is single for an afternoon or night.

  I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and live a respectable life and not one where I am pretending to be someone else.

  -Kristal

  After I finished reading, I crumpled up the e-mail and threw it against the wall. I couldn't believe what that bitch had done to me. She had screwed my husband. Not just once, but for three fucking years. Who the hell did she think was? Coming to me to track down the killer of her goddamn husband. What kind of sick game was she playing?

  I needed to get out of my house now, because I could barely breathe. I could feel my blood pressure rising and my head felt like it was ready to explode.

  I needed a drink. In fact, I need a whole goddamn bottle of whiskey to calm down. I looked in my cupboards and there was nothing. I went into my garage and checked my emergency supply. There was not a goddamn thing. Shit, what had made me throw everything away? Who was I fooling when I went on this sobriety kick?

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  Whiskey was my lover and he knew how to treat me just right. He would soothe my pain away and make everything better. I needed him right now.

  But I knew if I had him, I would want more and more of him and he would leave me feeling empty and used.

  God, don't let me give into my desires. I need strength. I can't start drinking again, because I am not going to stop.

  I need to see someone who can help me get away from him and Kristal.

  I left the house and jumped into my car. I started driving down Monterey Highway and started screaming at the top of my lungs. After ten minutes of screaming, I felt a little bit better. My desire for whiskey was fading. Little by little, I was seeing that I didn't need a drink.

  But I was still angry with Kristal. She had slept with my husband; and yet, she had the audacity to ask me for my help. Was she insane?

  I kept driving. I must have run a couple of red lights. I was lucky I hadn't hit anyone. I kept driving until I wound up at the front door of my father's house.

  I rang the doorbell and cried, "Dad let me in. He cheated on me! Dad, he cheated on me!"

  Dad opened the door and said, "Jazz, do you know what time it is? It's almost two in the morning. What the hell is wrong with you?"

  I flung myself into Dad's arms and cried, "He cheated on me. He slept with that woman."

  Dad put his arms around me and said, "Honey, do you mean Keith?

  Jazz, you and Keith are no longer together. What do you mean by he cheated on you?"

  I started to cry again and through my tears I whimpered, "I found a letter from that awful bitch Kristal. He and Kristal had an affair for three years while we were married. I never knew. How could I be so stupid?"

  Dad hugged me and wiped the tears from my eyes and said, "Honey, I am so sorry. I am so sorry he hurt you."

  While I cried, Dad held me gently for a few minutes. He released me and I sat down on the couch. Dad sat in his lounging chair next to the couch.

  I stared at Dad for a couple minutes and wiped the tears from my eyes. I took a deep breath and said, "Dad, I know this is personal. But I need to know the truth. Were you always faithful to Mama?"

  Dad was silent for a few seconds. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Jazz, from the minute I laid eyes on your mother I knew she was 166

  the one and she would be the mother of my child. I was totally in love with your mother and there was no way I could be with another woman.

  It would have been against everything I believed in."

  I walked over to my Dad and put my arms around him. I said, "I love you. Thank you for being there."

  "Jazz, I always will be here for you. You can come to me with anything. If doesn't matter what it is."

  "Dad, it just hurts so much."

  "Jazz, I know it does."

  "Dad, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but you really don't know how much it hurts. You haven't gone through this."

  Dad released my arms and stared at the mantel where Mama's picture was hanging. He walked over to the couch and sat next to me.

  He stared at Mama's picture again and turned toward me. He said,

  "Jazz, I never told this to anyone. After your mother died, I went through her belongings and I found her diary. Now, I know your mother's diary is personal and I should have never read it.

  "But being a police officer I was naturally curious.

  "I found out a year prior to your mother getting cancer, your mother had been having an affair for a number of years with a well known member of our community. Her lover wanted her to leave me, but your mother wouldn't. She offered him everything except marriage, but he refused to accept your mother's offer. After he left her, your mother was seriously distraught. When she found that she had cancer, she tried to call him. He never returned her calls. He just pretended she didn't exist."

  I hugged my father and cried, "Dad, I'm so sorry."

  Dad gently wiped away my tears. With tears in his eyes, he said, "Jazz, I do know your pain and how you feel."

  "Dad, it must be hard having to face this man. How do you deal with him?"

  Dad stared at Mama's picture and said, "Jazz, a few months after your Mama passed, he was involved in a car accident that killed him."

  Dad and I sat in the room silently for a few minutes and the only sound we could hear was the clock ticking.

  Dad turned to me and said, "Jazz, the bottom line is no one and I mean no one is innocent. It's up to you on what you want to do about the case.

  Whatever your decision is, I will back you."

  Dad hugged me. I then knew everything would be all right.

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  As usual, Kristal was looking like shit. I began to feel sorry for her, but I then remembered what I had to do.

  Kristal asked, "Jasmine, did you find out anything new?"

  "Yes, I did."

  "What? Did you find the killer?"

  I felt my heart pounding hard and I wanted to scream. But to my surprise, my voice was calm. I answered, "No, nothing like that."

  "What?"

  I blurted out, "You fucked my husband."

  Kristal looked at me in horror and said, "What are you talking about?"

  "I read your e-mail to my husband. I know about your affair, the abortion, everything."

  “My e-mail? I erased that a long time ago."

  "Not from the hard drive."

  "Jasmine, I'm sorry."

  "Sorry my ass. You fucked my husband."

  "You're not with him anymore."

  Right then I wanted to punch her. Who did this bitch think she was? I had to restrain myself. I took a couple deep breaths and said, "Kristal, you were with my husband when I was married to him. You fucked him for three fucking years. Who the fuck do you think you are to come to me for help after you fucked my husband?"

  "Jasmine, I never thought you would find out. I never wanted to hurt you."

  "I don't give a shit what your intentions were. And for your information, you hurt me the minute my husband went inside you."

  "Jasmine, I am really sorry. I loved him. I … " She started
to cry uncontrollably.

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  I ignored her crying and said, "Kristal, you may have fucked my husband, but you are not going to fuck me over. No that is not going to happen. I am off the case."

  "But Jasmine, I need you."

  "I don't need you and your sick ass. I suggest that you find a P.I.

  whose husband you haven't fucked. And knowing you, you won't find one. You immoral bitch."

  Kristal began to whimper again.

  I said angrily, "Do not talk to me. Just stay the hell away from me."

  I left her crying and headed back to my office.

  * * *

  When I arrived at my office, Keith was standing outside my door. I stared at him and snapped, "What do you want?"

  "Jazz, I need to talk you."

  "Let's talk out here."

  "No, inside."

  Against my better judgment, I led Keith into my office.

  Once inside, Keith said, "Jazz, you have to help Kristal."

  I felt my blood pressure rising. I screamed, "Your bitch sent you to convince me to take back her case. Tell her hell no. And fuck you."

  "Jazz, I know you are angry.

  "Angry is an understatement. Keith, I suggest that you find your bitch a new private investigator."

  "Jazz, she needs you."

  "Keith, what kind of fool do you think I am? I'm not working for that whore."

  "Jazz, I'm sorry for what happened."

  "No, baby, sorry isn't good enough for a three year affair. So fuck you."

  "Jazz, you are being irrational."

  "I'm being irrational for a woman who just found out that her ex-husband had a three year affair with some bitch while they were married. I don't think so. But hell, I should have known.

  "God, just a few weeks ago, you were trying to get with me when your new wife was pregnant. You have no morals. You bastard."

  "Jazz, I made a mistake."

  "A mistake for three fucking years. A mistake for getting another woman pregnant. Keith, you are totally fucked up. That's what you are." I then slapped him hard.

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  Keith looked at me and said nothing. He was quiet for a few seconds.

  He mumbled, "You're jealous because Kristal got pregnant."

  I wanted to explode. At the top of my lungs, I screamed, "Keith, you and your dumb ass. Why would I be jealous of a woman who got pregnant and who you ordered to abort her baby. Mr. Pro-Life with everybody except yourself. Preaching it's genocide for a black woman to have an abortion. You are so full of shit.

  "No, I am not jealous. I am just pissed off as hell with you."

  He stared at the ground and said, "Jasmine, you are jealous, because you're infertile."

  "You know Keith the only reason that you call me infertile is because you got Kristal pregnant and you couldn't get me pregnant. There is nothing wrong with me, Mr. Pro-Life with everybody except you!"

  "You're infertile, because you have never been pregnant."

  I took a deep breath and said angrily, "Not by you. But years ago before I met you, I got pregnant by someone else and had an abortion. I never told you because I was afraid that you would condemn me. I used to feel that I had violated your morals. But now I know, all of that was a charade."

  "Jasmine, I am sorry."

  "Sorry is too late. And there is nothing that you can say or do for me to take back Kristal's case. So get out of my office."

  I pointed to the door and Keith left.

  I called my father.

  "Dad, I am off Kristal's case."

  "Jazz, you did the right thing."

  "You think so?"

  "Kristal is guilty as hell."

  "And what if she is not?"

  "She is guilty."

  "Dad, what if there's a chance that she's innocent?"

  "Jazz, don't fool yourself. She is guilty and she is getting what she deserves."

  After I hung up the phone, I felt my head pounding. My muscles felt weak and tired. I stared at my desk and decided to go home.

  When I got home, I took a long hot shower and put on a tee shirt. I turned off my phone and answering machine.

  It had been a helluva of a week and I did not want to be bothered. I crawled into my bed and fell asleep.

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  A few hours later, someone was ringing my doorbell. I tried to ignore it, but the person would not stop.

  I threw on my housecoat and house shoes and a scarf over my hair because it was wild.

  I peered through the peephole and saw Sheila. I let her in.

  Sheila said, "Jasmine, you look like shit."

  "I feel like it too."

  "I know that you are upset with Kristal and Keith."

  I looked at Sheila suspiciously and asked, "Were you sent by them?"

  "No, I wasn't, Jazz. But she needs your help."

  "You can tell that bitch and bastard ex-husband of mine to go screw themselves."

  "I know what they did was wrong, but an innocent woman is going to get the death penalty if you don't help."

  "Innocent my ass. First that bitch has a three year fucking affair with my no can fuck husband. During that time, she gets knocked up and has an abortion. Then she marries Ralph and the whole time that she is married, she is fucking some white boy. She gets pregnant again and she doesn't know if Ralph or the white boy is the father. Then her husband is killed. Kristal's credit is shot to hell and with her husband getting murdered on the job, she will get $250,000 to split with her boyfriend.

  She and her man kill the Chief and Dan to make it look like someone is out to get firefighters.

  "That bitch then tried to use me to track down the murderer when in reality she and her boyfriend did it. That is one sick bitch.

  "Then Chuck goes on a killing spree, killing off Melvin Grady and his wife, because he is on a power trip. They are one fucked up couple."

  "Jazz, you're sounding like the DA. That's their story, but I know that Kristal is innocent."

  "Bullshit. There are no other suspects. Kristal and her white boyfriend did it. End of story."

  "What about Bill Roberts?"

  "Who the hell knows? Ralph probably knew about Chuck and used that as a code for him. When Kristal found out that Ralph was going to leave her that is when she and her boyfriend killed him."

  "Jazz, there is more to Bill Roberts than what you are saying."

  "No, there isn't. I've already looked into that."

  "Reverend Michael Baylor called me and he wants to see you."

  "Michael Baylor. Fuck him too. He knew about Kristal and my ex-husband. He and Kristal were doing everything but the nasty. Kristal 171

  probably gave him head so he could claim he wasn't having sex. I am sick of all these fucked up sex crazed people."

  "Jazz, you have to stop thinking about the sex and think about the case."

  "Stop thinking about the sex? Who am I talking to-Ms. Fuck 'em and leave 'em. Maybe you have never been in love, but I have. I loved my husband. I trusted him."

  "Jazz, I know you are hurting inside."

  "You don't know shit, because you have never given yourself to a man.

  And quite frankly knowing you, you never will."

  "Jazz, as an adult I have never given myself, because I know what it's like to love somebody and respect them and have that person destroy you.

  "When I was eleven years old, I loved my Uncle Arthur. He was my idol. I thought he was the best looking and kindest man in the world. I trusted him with all of my heart. But he violated that trust and he hurt me."

  "How?"

  "He raped me. Not just once but for two years until my mother walked in us. My mother threw him out and threatened to blow off his balls if he ever came back. Later, my mother called me a slut and blamed me for everything. She said that I had made my uncle seduce me. I then later found that I was pregnant."

  "Did you have an abortion?"

  "No. I hid my pregnancy from my mother, because I was too ashamed. />
  By the time my mother found out, it was too late to do anything."

  I asked quietly, "What happened to the baby?"

  "At thirteen, I knew I couldn't raise the baby and my mother didn't want any reminder of my uncle. So we decided to give my daughter up for adoption. I have tried looking for my daughter, but I have never found her. To this day, I feel so bad about giving my daughter up and I have never been able to trust a man."

  "Sheila, I am sorry."

  "Jazz, the point is that bad things happen to good people. That doesn't mean that you have to stop living. Yes, Kristal hurt you. But she doesn't deserve to die because of it. You need to talk to Michael."

  "I am sorry. But I just can't. I hurt too much. I just want to go back to bed and sleep.

  I asked Sheila to leave.

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  After Sheila left, I went to the store and bought what I needed. Something that would save me.

  When I got home, I poured a shot of whiskey. It had been 161 days since I had a drink. I drank my whiskey with such desire to show how I truly had missed him. The liquid trickled down my throat like a skilled lover's tongue. God, it felt good.

  I drank another shot, because I needed it. Whiskey was the only one who would not let me down. Sheila and Keith had turned on me. Whiskey gave me comfort. Before I knew it the entire bottle was gone.

  I crawled back into my bed where I would be safe from all of the mean people of the world.

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  I must have been asleep for two days. My head was ready to explode and my stomach felt like it was ready to vomit.

  I went into the bathroom and vomited. I then took a long hot shower, washed my face, and shaved my legs and underarms. I poured lotion all over my body and put on a long loose fitting dress.

  I took some pain medication for my headache and drank a large glass of orange juice.

  I had broken my sobriety and I had given in. But the truth was I didn't care. So what if I had drinking problem? Everyone had problems and if I went on a binge now and then, that didn't make me an alcoholic. And if I was, there were worse things that I could be.

  I turned on my TV and clicked on the morning news. There was an All Points Bulletin for Chuck. The FBI and the SJPD had been looking for him the past week and they had come up empty handed. Kristal's trial was set to start in two weeks.