Shakespeare's Hamlet in Plain English

by C.J. B.

Scene 6

  Enter Horatio and a Servant

  Horatio Who is it that wishes to speak with me?

  Servant Seafaring men, sir. They say they have letters for you.

  Horatio Let them come in.

  Exit Servant

  I do not know from what part of the world I should be greeted, unless they are from Lord Hamlet.

  Enter Sailors

  First Sailor God bless you, sir.

  Horatio Let him bless thee too.

  First Sailor He shall, sir, if it pleases him. There’s a letter for you sir (hands over letter). It came from the ambassador who was bound for England; if your name be Horatio, as I am told it is.

  Horatio (reads the letter)

  Horatio, when you have read this, allow these fellows access to the King. They have letters for him. Before we had been at sea two days, some pirates eager to engage us in combat gave us chase. Finding ourselves too slow of sail, we were compelled to fight, and during the struggle I boarded their ship. Once they were clear of our ship, I alone became their prisoner. They dealt with me mercifully but only to serve their own ends; they knew what they were doing: I am to do a turn for them. Let the King have the letters I have sent, then come and meet me as quickly as you possibly can. I have things to tell you which will astound you; mere words do not do them justice. These good fellows will bring you to where I am. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern hold their course for England. Of them I have much to tell you. Farewell.

  He that knowest thine,

  Hamlet

  Come, I will see to it that you are able to deliver these letters, and do it promptly that you may direct me to the person from whom you brought them.

  Scene 7

  Enter King and Laertes

  King Now you must acknowledge that I am in no way to blame for your father’s death and accept me as a friend, since I’ve shared with you some very sensitive information: that he who killed your father also threatened my life.

  Laertes It certainly appears so. But tell me why you did not take appropriate action against this threat. His deeds were undeniably criminal and of sufficient gravity to warrant execution. Your own safety, and consequently the stability of your entire kingdom, was placed in serious jeopardy.

  King O, for two special reasons which may, to you, perhaps seem somewhat trifling, but which, nevertheless, matter a great deal to me. The Queen his mother dotes on him, and as for me, whether it is due to my kindness or my improvidence, I could never do anything to harm or to upset her; she’s such an important, integral part of my life and soul, she makes me what I am; she’s my inspiration. My other motive for not putting myself in a position where I would have to justify my actions to the people were I to sanction any harsh punishment of Hamlet, is the adoration, the admiration, they have for him. Their love of him is such they are rather disposed not to recognise his faults. In their eyes he is irreproachable and quite exemplary. His misdeeds and disreputable behaviour go largely unnoticed or are ignored; his faults might as well be graces. As far as they’re concerned he can do no wrong. Any punishment I impose risks attracting their displeasure and condemnation. It could provoke a very unfavourable response; I might be inviting some undesirable consequences. It could severely damage my public image. I might not end up getting rid of my problems at all.

  Laertes And so have I a noble father lost, a sister driven to distraction. Her beauty and perfection were unrivalled. But my revenge will come.

  King Do not loose sleep over that. You must not consider us so easily daunted and lacking in spirit or resolve that we will regard being insulted and threatened as unimportant. Before long, we will receive news from England. I loved your father; we value our own highly, and this, I hope, will teach you to think of…..

  Enter a Messenger with letters

  Messenger These to your Majesty, this to the Queen.

  King From Hamlet! Who brought them?

  Messenger Sailors, my lord, they say. I did not see them. They were given me by Claudio. He received them from whoever brought them.

  King Laertes, you shall hear what they contain. Leave us.

  Exit Messenger

  (reads) High and mighty (addressing the King sarcastically), you shall know I am returning to your kingdom deprived of all my belongings. Tomorrow I shall beg leave to see your Majesty in person, when I shall, first asking your pardon, thereunto recount the occasion of my sudden and more strange return.

 

  Hamlet

 

  What could this mean? Have those that went with him also come back? Or is it some kind of trick?

  Laertes Do you recognise the handwriting?

  King It is Hamlet’s. ‘deprived of all my belongings’, and in a postscript here he says ‘alone’. Can you advise me as to what this means?

  Laertes I’m at a loss to explain it, my lord. But let him come. It warms the very sickness of my heart that I shall be able to tell him to his face that he will die for what he has done.

  King If this is so, Laertes - and how could it be so, how otherwise (the King is confounded by this completely unexpected turn of events)? Will you act under my direction?

  Laertes Yes, my lord, if you will not overrule my intentions and constrain me to keep peace with Hamlet.

  King It is your own peace that is our concern. If he has by now returned, after breaking off from his voyage to England, and he has no intention of undertaking the passage again, then I’ll implement a stratagem I’ve just contrived. I will manoeuvre him into a situation whereby he will face certain defeat; and over his death there will be no suggestion of blame or wrongdoing, no suspicion of underhandedness. Even his mother will have no cause to indict anybody for it and will absolve his killer, conceding that it was merely a tragic accident.

  Laertes My lord, I will submit myself to your device, all the more if you could engineer it so that I might be the instrument of Hamlet’s demise.

  King Then it will all work out perfectly. You have been talked of a great deal since you left us on your travels and, as Hamlet himself has heard, in glowing terms, people having nothing but good things to say about you, lavishing your name with praise. Even the sum of all your qualities, your accomplishments, the wealth and privileges you enjoy, never inspired such envy in him as did this, and that, in my view, is quite unbecoming and unworthy of him.

  Laertes Why should he be envious, my lord?

  King It’s mere egotism, a typical aspect of youth, which is unavoidable for youth naturally lends itself to a carefree attitude and outlook, just as maturity is characterised by a more subdued, sensible and serious temperament. Two months ago there was a gentleman here from Normandy. I have seen the French in battle, I’ve served against them, and they are very proficient, very skilful, on horseback; but this gallant individual had witchcraft, or so it would seem. He’d clearly grown into the saddle, and performed such wondrous feats with his horse, demonstrating such extraordinary ability it was as though they were embodied as one, as though he shared the very nature of the brave beast. He exceed what I would have believed possible to such a degree that I could not have even imagined what I saw him do.

  Laertes A Norman was it?

  King A Norman, yes.

  Laertes Upon my life, Lamord.

  King The very same.

  Laertes I know him well. He is indeed the jewel of all the nation.

  King He revealed that he knew you, and gave you such a masterly report for swordsmanship, for your skill with the rapier in particular, that he declared: ‘it would be a sight indeed if anyone could match you’. The swordsmen of their nation he swore had neither the motion, the guard, nor the eye to challenge you. Sir, this report of his did so envenom the already envious Hamlet that he could do nothing but hope and pray for your prompt return so that he may engage you in swordplay to try and prove himself against you. Now to another matter.

  Laertes What other matter, my lord?

/>   King Laertes, was you father dear to you? Or do you merely project an outward appearance of sorrow, which does not reflect your true feelings, a face without a heart, so to speak?

  Laertes Why do you ask this?

  King It’s not that I think you did not love your father, but I know love to be the product of circumstances and I’ve seen how time lessens the spark and fire of it. If we compare it to a candle, within the very flame of love there is a wick that will abate it, since it will burn down over time. Love will not last indefinitely, for it grows to a point where it tries to exceed its limits and simply burns itself out. What we intend to do we should do while we have the desire, for our intentions are so readily diverted and subject to an abundance of hindrances, and influences which abate them. And finally all of our chances are lost, leaving us with a heavy heart, a sense of regret over the opportunities to do what we should have done that we’ve wasted. But to our main concern. When Hamlet comes back, just what are you prepared to undertake to show in deed your love for and duty to your father?

  Laertes To cut his throat in the church.

  King Indeed there is no place which should offer him sanctuary; revenge should have no bounds. But good Laertes, will you do this: will you remain inside your chamber. When Hamlet returns, it shall be made known to him that you also have come home. We’ll stir his displeasure, inflame his resentment and envy by having people extol your virtues, praising your excellence and exaggerating the reputation the Frenchman gave you, then, finally, bring the two of you together to fight a duel and place a wager on your heads. He, being remiss, unsuspecting and guileless, will not peruse the swords, so you can easily select the rapier which is not blunted; perhaps trying out a few others so it will not appear as though you knowingly chose any particular one; and during the match, as if done quite inadvertently, with a thrust of your sword you will requite him for your father.

  Laertes I’ll do it. And for that purpose, I’ll anoint my sword. I bought an oil from a mountebank (bogus doctor), which is so deadly that you have only to dip a knife in it and where it draws blood, even the most potent medicine, produced from the finest medicinal herbs, gathered under moonlight to enhance their powers of healing, cannot save the victim from death, even if they are but scratched by the anointed blade. I’ll apply this lethal substance to the tip of my sword. I need only cut him slightly and it will mean certain death.

  King We must think very carefully about this. If we should fail and our objective is exposed because the plan is not competently executed, it would be infinitely more desirable for us to have never attempted it. Therefore, this project should have a back-up strategy, something which will ensure its success should your efforts prove ineffective. So then, let me see. As I said, we’ll place a substantial wager on your skills. This will give him yet further incentive to fight all the harder. (pauses in thought) I have it! At some point during the contest when you are both hot and thirsty, as you make your bouts more violent to that end, and he calls for a drink, I’ll have prepared him a chalice of poisoned wine specially for this occasion, whereupon he has but to sip of it, and if he does happen to escape your poisoned blade, our purpose can still be realised. Wait, what’s that noise?

  Enter Queen

  Queen One sorrow treads upon the heels of another, so quickly they follow. Your sister has drowned, Laertes.

  Laertes Drowned? O, where?

  Queen There is a willow tree leaning over the brook. Its hoary leaves are reflected in the glassy stream. She used those leaves to make fantastic garlands of crow-flowers, nettles, daisies and long-purples, for which the shepherds, being uncultured and unrefined, have a more crude name; but our unmarried maids call them ‘dead men’s fingers’. There, while clambering to hang the wreaths she had fashioned on the bough overhanging the stream, it appears a thin branch supporting her weight broke and, along with her floral works, she fell into the swollen brook. Her clothes would have spread out wide in the water, keeping her afloat for a while, during which time she was heard chanting snatches of old lauds, as though insensible to her own distress. It could not have been long before her garments filled with water and pulled the poor wretch under, as she simply lay there singing, down to a muddy death.

  Laertes Alas, then she’s drowned.

  Queen Drowned, tragically drowned.

  Laertes There has already been too much water, Poor Ophelia; I must withhold my tears. Yet this is a part of our nature, too strong to deny, despite the shame of it. (weeps) When I’ve regained my composure, I’ll be rid of this feminine weakness, this unmanly emotion which afflicts me. Goodbye, my lord. I have a speech of fire I am eager to deliver to my supporters but this foolishness dampens it; I would hardly be an inspiration to them like this.

  Exit Laertes

  King We’d better go after him, Gertrude. If you knew how much I had to do to calm his anger. Now I fear this will drive him once more into an enraged and reckless state. We should follow him.