The Company She Keeps

by Georgia Durante

  Joe entertained himself by playing tennis every day with a retired stockbroker he befriended in the condominium complex. This allowed me some alone time. I sat on the cliffs and wrote poems in my head as I stared at the serenity of the sea. I walked for miles on the beach and thought of escaping the madness. How would I do it? Where could I go? How could I hide?

  I’ll help you, White. But you’ve got to make the first move. Once you’re away from him and you can think clearly again, you’ll wonder why you stayed so long. Trust me.

  After one of my long walks on the beach at sunset, I came home to find Toni crying in her room.

  “What’s the matter, honey?” I asked, running my hand tenderly across her check.

  Sobbing, she replied, “I didn’t do anything, Mommy, and he made me go to bed. I was watching TV and he changed the channel and told me it was my bedtime. It’s not even dark outside.”

  That bastard! Taking her into my arms, I could feel her body convulse as she clung to me. We held each other tightly and wept.

  Wiping the tears from my daughter’s eyes, I coaxed, “Come on, honey, help Mommy with dinner. You’re the bestest helper in the whole wide world.”

  “Okay, Mommy,” she said, jumping from the bed, her face alive with a brave expression.

  As we passed Joe on the way to the kitchen she avoided looking at him—afraid he would be upset that she was still up. Apparently we made more noise than he cared to hear. He shot us an irritated look.

  This can’t go on much longer. I’m really getting impatient with you now, White. You may take his shit, but what about her? It’s just not fair!

  I had no charge cards, and Joe kept the money hidden. He always seemed to know what I was thinking even before I allowed a thought to form. He usually succeeded in deferring my plans, but the voice of my shadow kept coaxing me.

  Do it! Just do it! Remember when you were twelve and you hopped the freight train and ran away from home? You wanted to see the world, and no one was going to stop you. You had such a thirst for life! You wanted to laugh. You wanted to live. You had spirit, White! What happened to you? You had no money then; you were just a kid! You jumped off the train when you got hungry and ate blueberries growing wild along the tracks. You used to say, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” That was always your motto. You survived when you were twelve; you’ll survive now, too. You used to have guts! You’re a survivor, remember? Do this before there is no hope. If you can’t do it, I will. Just get out of my way.

  Summer had started and Toni was out of school. If I didn’t put a stop to this vicious cycle now, I never would. But where would I go? I hadn’t made any friends in California. Joe made sure of that. I could have called my parents. They would have given me all the support I needed—but at the expense of their own emotional well-being. Tom, Toni’s biological father, may as well have been nonexistent. He’d been a nonparticipant in Toni’s life for ages—not that I could really blame him, under the circumstances. But he couldn’t even get it together to pay the $15 a month in child support mandated by the court. Her future was in my hands, and mine alone. Another day went by, then another—and there I stayed. I found myself free-falling into a void once more.

  You chicken shit! You know, if you didn’t need me so bad, I’d never speak to you again!

  Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

  Yeah, well, why don’t you start thinking about the broken bones! I’m not the one who’s hurting you, you jerk!

  “Mommy, can we go swimming today?”

  “Sure, baby, let me get changed.”

  I held Toni’s hand as we made our way through the beautifully landscaped, winding paths that led to the pool. Swans stepped lazily aside, letting us pass. Toni let go of my hand and ran ahead. The breeze blew gently through her platinum blond curls as she chased ducks into the pond. The air was laced with the faint aroma of barbecue mixed with the clean smell of chlorine. As we crossed one of the many wooden bridges throughout the complex, we stopped to watch the fish in the rushing stream below. Toni parted with one of her crackers for the swan and we moved on. We arrived at the smaller of the two pools and I stopped to spread a towel on one of the many vacant lounge chairs.

  “No, Mommy,” Toni said, tugging my arm. “This is the baby pool. I want to go to the big-people pool. Can we, can we? Please?” she pleaded.

  “Okay, honey, but you can’t go in the deep end.”

  “Why? I can swim, and you’ll be there to watch me.”

  As we entered the gate to the main pool, Toni spotted two little girls about her age and immediately took off in their direction. She was as starved for friendship as I was.

  I spread my towel out on the chair, then looked down at the tennis court. Joe must have felt my presence, because he looked up at the same moment. He smiled and waved, then went back to the intensity of the game.

  Joe played to win. He looked like a Greek god, especially in his tennis clothes. His jet-black hair falling casually in his eyes shrouded his interior. And his tall, lean, perfectly tanned body kept all the women in the complex competing for his attention. I couldn’t blame them. From the outside, he looked like the ideal catch. I had felt that desire at one time too, but I no longer held the same fascination. Now I would give anything to be able to look in from the outside. But I was inside—and there was no way out.

  We appeared to be the picture-perfect couple, the “mystery couple” everyone was curious about. We were often invited for dinner by the neighbors, but Joe would never accept. I wanted so badly to meet people. I needed others to talk to for a diversion, but Joe wouldn’t hear of it. He had always been an extremely private person, and he was adamant that no one know anything about us. Avoiding people sitting around the big pool was difficult, so I always went to the smaller pool. No one was ever there.

  People are naturally curious, wanting to know where you came from, what brought you to California, and what you did for a living. Being evasive about everything only created more curiosity. If anyone asked, I was told to say that Joe was an independent investor. This was a strict, unalterable rule, maybe with good reason. The alternative was to avoid people and stay secluded in my own private, lonely world.

  I lay in my lounge chair, separating myself from the rest of the women who were chatting together as their children played. Toni was enjoying herself. To see her laugh warmed my heart. Settling into the lounge chair, I put on my sunglasses, opened my book, and got lost in the story. I looked up frequently to check on Toni, but was careful not to make eye contact with those I felt looking in my direction.

  The father of the children whose company Toni was enjoying joined his kids at play. The two little girls suddenly forgot Toni existed. They took turns jumping into their father’s arms. Laughter and genuine affection were exchanged between them. The shimmering reflection of the water danced upon Toni’s face as she sat on the edge of the pool and watched them play, feeling abandoned, yearning to be included.

  Wet, straggly hair covered her features but failed to conceal her pain. The sadness I viewed was like peering into my own soul. I could tell by the way she moved that she was fighting to calm her breathing. She bit down on a quivering lip, trying not to cry. Then she looked over at me. When her eyes met mine my heart crumbled. In that instant we shared the unspoken knowledge of what lay deep inside both of our hearts. Toni wanted a daddy like those little girls. She needed love and affection. What she had was fear and emptiness. She didn’t have a daddy, any more than I had a husband. We had a dictator.

  You don’t have to live like this! Living in the car with Toni would be better than this—at least you’ll have each other.

  I didn’t think; I just reacted. I rose from my chair, left my book and towel behind, and walked over to Toni. She reached up and took my extended hand.

  As we walked to the gate, I looked down to see Joe still playing tennis with fierce intensity. Toni wanted to stop to feed the swan again, but my pace was so
quick she had to run to keep up with me.

  “Why are you walking so fast, Mommy?”

  “Because we have to go someplace and we’re gonna be late.”

  “Oh, you can’t be late, Mommy; you know how mad Daddy gets when you’re late.”

  “Do you think you can help me not to be late? I need you to help me carry some things to the car. Can you help me do that? We can pretend we’re having a race, okay?”

  I grabbed some of our clothes, with little thought as to what I was taking and what I was leaving behind. Fear replaced my ability to think. We made a few hurried trips and got into the car. My heart beat wildly. My hand shook so hard I couldn’t get the key into the ignition. The more I panicked, the longer it took. The security gate seemed to move in slow motion as I sat waiting impatiently, looking over my shoulder, expecting to see Joe appear out of nowhere.

  Deep breath . . .

  Calm down, White. Act natural, slow down, you’re doing fine. You’ll make it. Remember, where there’s a will, there’s a way. You taught me that!

  We exited the parking structure and turned down the hill toward the street. The next hurdle was to get by the tennis court without being seen. No chance. Joe’s eagle eyes spotted the car filled to the top with clothes. Toni smiled and waved. He stood frozen. His dominating look told me to turn back if I knew what was good for me. I broke away from his paralyzing scowl. My foot, acting entirely on its own, pressed the pedal beneath it. Blurred images rushed past my window. I moved on pure adrenaline. I had no idea where I was going. The car drove itself, or maybe my shadow had taken over.

  I found myself on the 5 freeway heading north, without a clue as to how I had gotten there.

  “Mommy, where we going?”

  “I don’t know, honey.”

  “What’re we gonna do when we get there?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’m hungry, Mommy; can we stop at that McDon ald’s?” she asked, pointing at the yellow arches ahead.

  I exited the freeway and drove to the drive-through window. Upon opening my wallet to pay for the food, I discovered I had only seven dollars. In a panic, I glanced down at the gas gauge. Thank God! It was full.

  What am I doing? How far can I get on seven dollars?

  Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You can’t turn back now, White!

  We arrived in Los Angeles during rush-hour traffic. The Hollywood sign emerged through the smog. I didn’t feel like I belonged. This was a far cry from the beauty San Diego had to offer. Swallowed in the size of the city, I felt lost and alone. And what was worse, there was no one who cared.

  The traffic was bumper-to-bumper. Exiting the freeway, with no thought as to where I was going, I stopped at a phone booth. I stared blankly at the phone for several minutes.

  Who can I call? I don’t know anyone who lives in L.A.!

  Don’t panic, White. Think . . . you must know someone.

  Jim! Jim Alquist—he lives here somewhere.

  I opened the phone book and feverishly flipped through the pages. Thank God, he was listed! I dialed the number. One ring . . . two . . . three . . . Oh, no, he’s not home. My heart began to sink. Then Jim’s voice sounded, doing a pretty good impression of John Wayne on his answering machine. I left a message.

  Looking in the phone book again, I jotted down his address and drove to the nearest gas station for directions. I had no idea how far Brentwood was from Hollywood. Driving on surface streets in rush-hour traffic, I studied the faces in the laggard cars. They all had a purpose, a destination, a home to go to. Feeling rootless and adrift, I wanted to cry, but my shadow wouldn’t allow it. Toni sat quietly worried, her Bambi eyes wide with question. I conjured up a reassuring smile, but she didn’t buy it. Guilt over her and an incredible feeling of aloneness consumed me.

  I found another phone booth and called Jim again. Still not home. Sinking into panic, I returned to the car. Sensing my alarm, Toni scrutinized my face with her inquisitive brown eyes. Her long, dark lashes fluttered anxiously. I hugged my little girl and tried to reassure her, but it was she who reassured me, giving me strength. As tired as she was, she was a little trooper. I drove around, searching for an inexpensive coffee shop in which to hang out until I could get hold of Jim. When he hadn’t answered by eleven o’clock, I rearranged the clothes in the backseat, making room for Toni to sleep. I dozed off periodically, but frightened of the uncouth-looking people prowling around the street, I didn’t get much sleep.

  “I’m hungry, Mommy,” were Toni’s waking words.

  If I spent any more money, I wouldn’t have enough left for the phone. I started the car and drove around until I spotted a 7-Eleven. Leaving Toni in the car where I could see her from inside, I proceeded to steal a package of Hostess cupcakes and purchased a small carton of milk. I didn’t care about the consequences. What could they do to me—chop off my hand for feeding my kid?

  We wandered around in a park until the sun began to set. Calling every few hours, I was running out of change for the pay phone. I tried one more desperate time.

  “Oh, thank God you answered, Jimmy.”

  “Georgia! I just got back from location and was listening to all my messages. How the heck are you?”

  “Not great, Jim. I need to ask you a big favor—”

  “Sure.”

  Elated I’d finally gotten hold of him, I began speaking rapidly. “I left Joe yesterday afternoon and drove up here from Solana Beach. I’m afraid I acted on impulse. I’ve only got thirty-five cents to my name and I don’t have a place to stay. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t answered. I hate having to ask you this, but I don’t know what else to do. I have my daughter with me and—”

  “Slow down, slow down. Jesus, of course you can stay here, but it’s only a studio. You and Toni will have to share the couch, if that’s okay.”

  “It’s better than the car. Thanks, Jim. One day I’ll repay you for this.”

  “Georgia, there is one condition: that the asshole never finds out I took you in. I put that bullshit behind me when I left Rochester. He hates my guts already. He doesn’t need another excuse to come busting down my door in the middle of the night.”

  “Don’t worry about that, Jim. He doesn’t have any idea where to start looking.”

  “Okay, you’re only ten minutes away,” he said, giving me directions. “I’ll put some coffee on.”

  “Jim?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you.”

  The night air was cool and a thick fog had rolled in, obstructing my view of the street signs, taking us longer than the estimated ten minutes before we arrived. I could smell the coffee even before he opened the door. Jim’s little bungalow was only one room with a small kitchen, but the sensitivity of his decor impressed me. I expected the typical bachelor’s pad, but instead I entered a home. Warmth instantly enveloped me. Light from the fireplace danced on the walls. Near the hearth, an open book sat on the arm of a chair. A cowboy hat hung on the antique bedpost, and his boots were neatly placed beside the bed. Western art decorated the walls. Indian blankets hung casually from the backs of the couch and chair. Jim had found peace in the private world he had created. The environment was exactly what I needed for my state of mind.

  Joe had met Jim when he accompanied me to an industry party once. He hated Jim instantly. From that point on, I had to mislead Joe whenever Jim and I worked together. I hated to lie about silly things, but I learned to do it well. Jim and I worked closely at times, and the thought of this made Joe’s skin crawl. I paid dearly when Joe happened to see Jim and me posing together in a newspaper or magazine ad. This was all the excuse Joe needed to have Jim’s face rearranged. For Jim to open his door to me was exceedingly brave. Most men who knew Joe kept their distance.

  Jim was soul searching back in those days. Not unlike me, he married young and had children before he himself had grown up. With a burning desire to be an actor, he came to California to fulfill his dream, leav
ing his rocky marriage behind. Ann would always be his true love, but eventually he learned, as I would, that one can never go back.

  When Jim left Rochester he sold all his worldly possessions. I bought his stereo for $500. When everything was gone, he hit the road for stardom. Jim never made it big as an actor, but he did make a living at it, which is more than can be said for most. When I see Jim now with a decent role on television, I always smile and think of the old days.

  Toni immediately curled up on the couch and fell asleep. Jim and I stayed up for hours, talking in his tiny kitchen. He helped me considerably during that trying time, helped me to keep my sanity. He was a great listener, and I sure had some stories to tell. Our friendship continues to this day.

  Jim was kind to let me invade his private world, but I couldn’t take advantage of it. With a good night’s sleep and a feeling of safety, I could actually think. I called my friend Fred Reed, who owned the Hair Zoo in Rochester. A few years earlier, he had asked me to do the commercials for his salon. He didn’t have a big budget, so I did the spots at no charge. The commercials were a big success. Fred went on to open several shops on the East Coast. Time to call in a debt. Not that I needed a pay-back for Fred to help me—we had been good friends for years. He was another lifesaver when I needed a friend. I didn’t even have to finish the sentence.

  “How much do you need?”

  “I don’t know. Five hundred, I guess,” I answered, feeling uncomfortable with the vulnerability of my situation.

  Fred wired me a thousand dollars the next day. At $80 per month, it took a year to pay it back. He’d said I didn’t need to repay him, but my conscience wouldn’t allow me not to. I’d always taken pride in being able to take care of myself. It gave me a feeling of independence.

  I drove around for a few days and finally found an affordable apartment on Olympic Boulevard, near La Cienega. I was able to attain a fairly nice place for little rent. They call that area the Miracle Mile district. Boy, did I ever need a miracle. Ironically, Toni remembers those days as the happiest times of her childhood. Jim managed to find me a mattress and an old TV set. I bought a few plates and utensils at a garage sale and we set up house. I was amazed at how happy I could be with so little.