The Company She Keeps

by Georgia Durante

  Stunned by the reality, I painfully turned back to the TV, trying to absorb the truth.

  “Did you hear that, Darlene?”

  “Hear what?”

  “Dennis is dead.”

  “Did they say his name?”

  “No.”

  “What did you hear?”

  “The flight number.”

  “What about it?”

  “It was flight number one ninety-one.”

  “So what does that mean?”

  “It means . . . he’s dead.”

  Eyeing me strangely, Dar poured me a very strong drink. Consumed with tremendous grief, I couldn’t pull my thoughts together to try to explain. Vivid pictures ran through my mind: the white owl, the psychic who saw the fire from a plane crash. It was all coming together now. We were both supposed to die on flight number 191. We had escaped that fate once, but it would be too much for Dennis to escape it twice. It was in the cards.

  On August 5, 1985, when Dennis’s plane crashed in Dal las, my spirit crashed too. I thought I’d already seen the worst of life’s sorrows, but I was wrong. I don’t know how I got through the funeral. I was in a daze that entire week. None of it seemed real. Soon, I’d wake up from this horrible dream; I was sure of it.

  A phone call soon brought me back to reality.

  “Hello, Georgia?”

  “Yes?”

  “This is Dr. Kendall. I just got a call from Spring Creek school. They said they have not yet received the $10,000. They were supposed to have received it last Monday.”

  “Oh, Dr. Kendall, I’m sorry. I completely forgot about it. I’ve had a difficult week—I just wasn’t thinking. I’ll make arrangements to sell my stock today.”

  I called my broker and found that the news of Dennis’s death had driven the stock down to a point where I could not sell it without taking a terrible loss. I hadn’t even thought of the effect his death would have on the stock. What was I going to do? I had to keep Toni in that place somehow. Selling my house was the last resort. I opened my jewelry box and began adding up the value. I must have had at least $50,000 in jewelry. If I could get ten for it, I’d be lucky, but ten was what I needed. I put some feelers out and prayed I’d get a buyer soon.

  The next day I met with Dr. Kendall regarding To ni’s progress. I was gone for an hour. When I returned I found my house had been broken into. The carpet had just been vacuumed and fresh footprints led directly to the jewelry and back out the door. Nothing else had been taken. I had no rider on my insurance for the jewelry. I sat down at my kitchen table and put my head in my hands. What more could happen?

  Toni was not yet aware of Dennis’s death. The school didn’t think the timing was right to tell her; they were getting close to breaking some ground. She was out in the wilderness, and I couldn’t even speak to her. I felt a horrible separation. I wanted to hold her so badly.

  None of Toni’s friends knew where she had gone. It had all happened too fast. Then I got a call from Toni’s best friend, Angie.

  “Hi, Georgia. This is Angie. I’ve been calling Toni all week on her line but she never answers. Is she home?”

  “No, she’s in Montana, Angie.”

  “Montana? What’s she doing there?”

  I explained what had taken place and told her about the program at Spring Creek. She started to cry.

  “Oh, Georgia, I’m so glad you got her to a place like that. I know you have no idea about this. Toni will probably never speak to me again for telling you, but you have to know. . . .”

  “Know what?”

  “I don’t know how to say this. . . .”

  “Angie, just say it! What?”

  “You know how she’s been going to Solana Beach on weekends sometimes?”

  “Yes, go on.”

  “Well, Joe . . . Joe’s been . . . he’s . . . he’s been molesting her.”

  My heart stopped.

  “I’m sorry, Georgia, but I had to tell you. Toni’s been getting worse and worse with the drugs. I was so afraid she was going to overdose. She’s trying desperately to put it out of her mind,” she sobbed.

  My whole body began to shake. If he were there, I would have pulled the knife from my heart and stuck it into his.

  “Angie, how long has this been going on?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from trembling.

  “I guess about a year.”

  “A year! Why didn’t she tell me?”

  “She just confided in me a few months ago, and she tells me everything.”

  “Thank you for having the courage to speak up. You did the right thing by telling me, and you’ve helped Toni more than you know. You’re a true friend, Angie. I’m going to call the school right away and let them know. This will save a lot of time trying to dig for the problem. Angie, I can’t talk anymore. I think I’m going to be sick.”

  I hung up the phone and threw up. My head was spinning. I realized why she had never told me. He was using the same technique he had used with me: fear. That bastard! Of all the things Joe was, I never in my wildest dreams thought he’d step over this line. My daughter. That bastard!

  In a white-hot rage, I picked up the phone and punched in his number.

  “You son of a bitch!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

  “What are you taking about?”

  “You know goddamn well what I’m talking about, you bastard! You weren’t satisfied just destroying me; you had to destroy my daughter too, you sick motherfucker. I can’t believe I felt sorry for you—and all the while you were molesting Toni. Joe . . . I’m going to kill you! You’d better look over your shoulder, because I’m not gonna rest until you’re dead. I’m gonna blow your fucking brains out. I should have done it years ago. I was afraid of you then, but now you’d better be afraid of me!”

  He started to cry. “Georgia, don’t you see why? I know I must be sick, but I closed my eyes, and . . . she was you. She’s the closest thing to—”

  “Don’t you dare try to use me for your excuse. Is your mind so twisted that you actually think that makes it all right? If you do, you’re sicker than I thought. Joe, you have finally destroyed the only two human beings on this earth who ever cared whether you lived or died. Now you have nothing. No one! Maybe I should save myself the jail time and just let you do it yourself—you will, you know. I predicted long ago that you would die a sad, lonely old man, by your own hand. When you finally have the guts to look at yourself and see how you’ve lived your life, and all the people you’ve hurt so cruelly, you’ll do it. Maybe that’s the best revenge after all. All I know is I hate you. Don’t you ever call this house—do you understand that? I don’t ever want to see your face or hear your voice again.”

  “Georgia, please listen to me,” he pleaded.

  “You’ve got nothing to say that I want to hear. Don’t call this house, Joe. If you do, I’ll have you arrested. In fact, I’ll have you arrested anyway. Where the hell is my head? You had me so brainwashed about calling the cops, the thought just occurred to me. You raped my daughter! I’m going to fucking have you arrested, you no-good bastard!”

  “Please, Georgia, try to—”

  “I’ll see you in court, Joe—if I don’t kill you first!” I screamed as I slammed down the phone.

  I took a few minutes to stop shaking and pull myself together, and then I called the school and spoke to Steve, the headmaster.

  “You have to get him here, Georgia. It’s extremely important that Toni confront him. If she cannot confront him face-to-face and tell him how she feels about what he did to her, she will always have a problem with men. It’s the only way she can truly get well. Can you get him to come?”

  “I don’t know. He’s an extremely private person. He would never deal with the ‘hot seat’, I can tell you that right now. His pride will kill him someday. I just don’t think I’ll be able to make that happen.”

  “It’s essential to Toni’s mental well-being. Tell him you won’t have him arrested if he comes; then have the je
rk arrested anyway.”

  “Okay, Steve. I’ll do my best, but I have to wait till tomorrow to call him again. I’m out of control right now.”

  “I understand.”

  “I’ll call you after I speak to him.”

  “You try to get some rest; we’ll handle Toni. Georgia . . . maybe you should talk to Dr. Kendall. You’re under an unusual amount of stress. Frankly, I don’t know how you’re holding up under the circumstances.”

  “I’m okay.”

  “You’re not, really; you’re numb. Talk to Dr. Kendall. By the way, we still haven’t told Toni about Dennis. I know how you feel, but we think it’s better that we don’t for now.”

  “I suppose you know what’s best.”

  I lay in bed, my stomach churning. I tried not to think, but I couldn’t stop. The pictures were all too vivid in my imagination. I remembered the times the subject of child molesters had come up around Joe. He’d get so angry, he’d say they should hang them by their balls. I thought his beliefs were strongly against that kind of thing. But now I could clearly see how he had twisted my thoughts in an effort to cloak his deception. How could I have been so blind? I felt as if I were being separated from reality.

  How sorry I’d felt for him after he lost his mother, after he’d lost me. His life had seemed so sad and empty then, and when he’d asked me to send Toni down to Solana Beach for visits, I thought it would help heal both of them. He had seemed so changed, so much gentler, and I wanted Toni to see a better side of him. He had wanted to make up to her for the trauma he’d caused in her childhood. And I thought seeing Toni would bring a little light into his life, too. What a fool I’d been. Again, my soft heart had been my downfall, and now it was Toni’s, too.

  This betrayal was too much to cope with. I walked into my closet and took the gun down from its hiding place. I stared at it for a while and contemplated driving to Solana Beach and putting a bullet into Joe’s head.

  You can’t kill him, White. You need him. As tempting as it is, you can’t do it. Wait until after he goes to Montana.

  What if he won’t go?

  He’ll go . . . I’ll make sure of that.

  I put the gun back, took two Valiums, and waited for sleep to take me away.

  Joe called the next morning.

  “Georgia, don’t hang up; please let me just—”

  “Joe, I don’t want to hear your excuses. The only explaining you need to do is to the police.”

  He started to cry again. “I know I’m sick; I need help. I guess I can’t blame you for never wanting to speak to me again. I’ve lost everything—you, Toni, my mother— everything. There’s nothing left for me if I can’t even hear your voice again, and it’s all my fault. I don’t want to live anymore. How could I have been so stupid? God, help me.”

  “I don’t think God can help you, Joe, but before you kill yourself, you could help Toni. Don’t leave this earth without trying to mend what you’ve managed to destroy.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Toni’s going to need extensive therapy because of what you’ve done to her. But it won’t work unless she can look you in the eye and confront you. She needs to tell you face-to-face how she feels about it.”

  “I know how she feels; she doesn’t need to tell me.”

  “You’re wrong; she does.”

  “So what am I supposed to do?”

  “Go to Montana. Face up to what you did.”

  “What’s that going to do?”

  “Keep you out of jail!”

  “How do I know you won’t turn me in anyway?”

  “You don’t. If you ever wanted to do anything positive in your life, Joe, it’s this. If you care about Toni’s mental health, you’ll do it. I see it as serving two purposes: It will help her, and it will keep you out of prison. The choice is yours.”

  After a long silence, he finally agreed. “When do I leave?”

  “In two weeks, when she gets back from her survival trip.”

  “Georgia . . . I know it’ll be the last time I ever see the two of you again. That’s the punishment for my crime, but someday I hope you’ll understand that I’m sick. I don’t know why I’ve done the things I’ve done to you. I’ve banged my head against the wall many times, trying to understand. I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you over the years. I guess you’ll both be better off without me in your lives. I’ve been selfish, and—”

  “Save it, Joe. There’s no more forgiveness in my heart for you.”

  He burst into tears one more time. “I’m sorry. . . . I’m so sorry . . .” he proclaimed between sobs.

  I placed the phone in its cradle and sat on the edge of my bed. What had happened in his childhood that made him who he was? When he’d been drinking, he had told me some disturbing stories. His father used to tie him up in the cold, dark cellar. He would beat Joe and keep him there for days. Joe described the fear he had lived with in vivid detail—when the rats had crawled near his feet, and how he screamed for his mother to rescue him. He told me how she would sneak him food and pray she wouldn’t get caught.

  The little he had told me about his childhood had been distressing enough, but I knew even more anguish and suffering hid behind the anger and hatred with which he lashed out. Maybe because he had been helplessly controlled as a child, he felt the need to control and dominate. I don’t know. Until Joe had the courage to unlock the doors to that ugly past, no one would ever know what motivated his outbursts. But somehow, without ever knowing, I knew. I understood, without really understanding.

  Joe did go to Montana. He didn’t have a choice. His excessive pride made it the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life. By the time Little John and the woman therapist, Gay, had finished with him, there was nothing left of him that even remotely resembled a man. Toni, though, was still afraid and couldn’t confront him with her deeper feelings. I found it pitiful to watch her struggle with her emotions.

  Georgia Black was with me on that sweltering Montana day. And she wasn’t hiding in the shadows. We sat in an open field and tore into the darker depths of Joe’s mind. Without Black, I couldn’t have handled the pain of all that came from that altercation.

  By the afternoon’s end, distinguishing the tears from the sweat was impossible. I didn’t know it at the time, but Joe had warned Toni that if he were ever found out, he would kill himself. He had manipulated her adolescent mind with fear. I reflected on my own days of fear. Not until this moment did I understand how the game was played.

  His pride was shattered. He would never recover from the embarrassment of that confrontation. He fled to Rochester shortly after returning from Montana, afraid of my wrath, leaving a life in California he had grown to love. No more tennis every day, no more beautiful sunsets to feast his eyes upon. No more Joe Lamendola. Funny, the years I ran in fear . . . now he was running from me.

  At that point I was still moving Joe’s money. I had over $100,000 in my name. Fifteen thousand of it was rightfully mine, but I’d never entertained the thought of asking for it. I cashed out all the investments, deducted fifteen thousand, and sent him the balance, putting an end to any future contact. In retrospect, I probably should have taken it all and given it to Toni for the irreparable damage he had done to her mind.

  Using my portion of the money, I was able to make the down payment for the school. What he had done to us both was the ultimate betrayal. I never uttered a single word to Joe again.

  I came away from that experience at Spring Creek wondering how many more lessons I had in store before I could be granted peace. I continued putting one foot in front of the other, having no idea where I was going—except that it was forward.

  Chapter Sixteen

  While Toni was away at Spring Creek, I desperately tried to balance my budget. I worried about not being able to keep up with the school payments. My need to work and to earn money gave me something on which to focus other than sadness and grief.

  I had professional obstacles to
overcome, too. Wally Crowder was dating a new girl. He was pushing jobs in her direction that should have been mine. I had to take control of my own destiny.

  Jim Harkess called for our annual lunch. Our birthdays were a few days apart, and somehow we always managed to celebrate together over lunch. He picked me up at ten o’clock the next morning.

  “Are you sure we aren’t going to have breakfast?” I asked. “Why so early?”

  “You’ll see,” he answered with a smile.

  We pulled into a small private airport in Burbank. I thought maybe he had to pick something up before we went to lunch, but instead we drove directly to a sleek-looking midnight blue Learjet with the name Two’s Company painted on the side.

  “Is this yours?” I asked, looking at the plane in awe.

  Jim looked like a remnant of the sixties. He was dressed in blue jeans, and his thinning hair hung just above his shoulders. A thick, graying beard covered the signs of years of alcohol abuse. Hard to believe by his appearance he could be so successful.

  “Yes,” he answered proudly. “We’re branching out into aviation now. There’s a camera system built inside the belly of the aircraft, but today it’s for pleasure. Where in the world would you like to have lunch?”

  “Wow, you should’ve given me a day to think about this. Why don’t you just surprise me?”

  He whispered to the pilot, put on some music, and came back to the cabin with a bottle of champagne. We toasted my thirty-sixth birthday and his thirty-eighth.

  “I can’t believe I’m sitting here in my own private jet with Georgia Durante. Do you know how long I’ve dreamed about this day?”

  “No.”

  “Since the day I met you onstage for that Toyota job, ten years ago.” He paused. Fingering his beard, he looked everywhere but at me. “I fell in love with you then,” he admitted shyly.

  “You could have fooled me.”

  “I was married, but I was secretly in love with you all those years. The day you married Richard, I wanted to do what Dustin Hoffman did in The Graduate. That’s why I didn’t come to the wedding. I remember coming to that big house on the hill after you were married, to drop off some pictures for you. I realized I would never have a chance with you unless I was as wealthy as he was. That’s when I began dreaming of having the jet. Now it’s a reality. You’re really here, Willie Nelson is playing “Georgia” on the stereo—exactly like I dreamed it would be.”