The Company She Keeps

by Georgia Durante

  Finally the competition resorted to attacking me the only way they could—on a personal level. They said that I was getting the work by sleeping with the clients. Women are always vulnerable to this kind of warfare. Sharp-edged tongues are hard to fight. But I pressed on, making my mark in the wonderful world of automobile commercials.

  The doors that open to beautiful women are deceiving. I was a beautiful woman in a male-dominated world, where doors automatically opened for me at every turn. They weren’t necessarily doors to truth, knowledge, or awareness. No, those have to be pried open at great cost. The doors I passed through were easier, more seductive, more elegant, more dangerous. Doors that were perfectly suited to my keen sense of adventure. Doors to wealth, power, and glitz. Every man I met had a smile and wanted to help me. Only time would teach me what was behind those smiles.

  Before I had my company, I had never dealt with men on this level. I walked into every business meeting thinking they were seeing me, that person who lives inside. But in the advertising world they saw women who looked like me all the time. These women teased and manipulated. I never came from that angle, but because of their jaded view, I was punished for it.

  The punishment was the withholding of work. I couldn’t understand it at first, but a producer told me how men in the advertising world saw me. He said, “You don’t understand just how much heat emanates from you, and how much invitation smiles out of your eyes. You underestimate your powers. They see plenty of Georgia eyes and they learn to trust nobody.” He said that he himself had felt that way about me until he got to know me.

  Women producers were another problem, but this I could understand. I have dealt with jealousy all my life, but these women have the power to punish because of looks. How I am perceived by others never ceases to amaze me, because I perceive myself so differently.

  I have managed to connect with some directors and producers on a human level in business. These are the people with whom I make my living today. They are people who go beyond ego and know how to look into the soul.

  So, yes, doors do swing open when you’re a beautiful woman. I took those doors for granted, never giving them much thought, simply because they were always open. I’d never experienced anything else to know the difference. The trick is, how do you keep them from slamming shut?

  I became a hard-driving woman, determined to succeed, until nothing was left of my fearful, vulnerable side. I learned how to tap into the more positive aspects of my shadow: strength, power, and self-preservation. As I took on the business world with a vengeance, people began to cling to me for my strength.

  My determination made things happen, but I was giving away my soul, the one thing that made me inwardly beautiful. To win, I had to play hardball.

  I had carved a new world, learning more about myself as I pushed forward. With every roadblock I crashed through, I became better acquainted with my strength. Fear no longer controlled me. I laughed in its face. Even today, with my reputation preceding me, I still run into men from the Stone Age. Discrimination against women will always exist, but I now find it impossible to tolerate. My shadow will not allow it.

  With Toni away at Spring Creek, my life revolved around my six-year-old son. No one was allowed to invade our precious time. We only had every other week together, so I always tried to make it special. It was not enough time to instill the values my son so desperately needed, but I tried.

  I cleared my busy schedule and planned a camping trip with Jim Alquist and his two sons in the Big Bear Mountains. Jim was now a member of my driving team. He made more money in his first year with me than he’d made in all the years he’d been struggling as an actor. No one can ever say I don’t repay my debts.

  Jim and I drove our Jeeps and we raced off-road in the mountains. Dustin, wide-eyed, loved every moment. Unlike Toni, he had my daring spirit. His father would have freaked out if he could have seen us. Richard was so overprotective he would not even let Dustin play baseball. It was up to me to expose my son to a variety of things or he was going to grow up to be a wimp.

  The next morning, Dustin and I packed a lunch and went off on a long hike. The silence of the forest spurred a soulful conversation.

  “How come Dad doesn’t do stuff like this with me?” he asked.

  “Your dad doesn’t know how to have fun unless he can buy it, honey. It’s really not his fault. No one ever showed him how.”

  An expression of anger flashed across Dustin’s face. Scrunching his eyebrows, he uttered, “All he ever says is yes, yes, yes! He never says no!”

  “I thought you liked it when he buys you everything you want.”

  His face softened. “Well, I do . . . but I think I would like it if he said no, too, sometimes. You always say no.”

  “I do not.”

  “Do too,” he said, pushing his lips into a pout.

  “I only say no when I’m trying to teach you that you can’t always have everything you want. Life isn’t like that, Dustin. I just don’t want you to have a rude awakening one day. I’m only trying to prepare you, that’s all.

  “Dad says it’s ’cause you’re cheap.”

  “Yeah, he would say that. He just doesn’t understand stuff like that, Dusty. But I hope you’ll be smarter than that one day.”

  “Can we go fishing now?” he asked.

  “Okay, but only if you put the worm on the hook.”

  “How come you drive so good and act like a silly old girl about stupid worms?” he questioned.

  “Ehh, they’re just so slimy!” I answered, twisting my face up.

  “You’re funny, Mom,” he said grinning as he stuck his hand in the container of worms to display his manhood.

  “I love you, Dusty boy,” I said, mussing up his hair.

  “I love you more,” he said as he stuck a big worm on the hook.

  “How much more?”

  “All the way up to the sky, past the moon, past the stars, and all the way past E.T.’s house,” he answered, gesturing widely with his arms. “That’s how much.”

  “Well, guess what?”

  “What?”

  “I love you way, way past that!”

  “No way,” he answered, refusing to be topped.

  When our time together came to an end, I dropped Dustin back at his father’s house and had the usual pang in my heart as I drove through the gates and headed home. Six was such a precious age. We were missing the day-to-day interaction most mothers and their children shared. But how could I change things?

  When I returned home, Darlene was entertaining a friend. They sat on the living room floor sipping wine as Jay read her tarot cards. Darlene was heavily into all that psychic stuff. Jay was a musician and looked like one, with his long mousy brown hair. It was too thin to be worn long, detracting from his relatively handsome face. He had a good stage presence, moving his tall, slender body with the beat as he sang, but his voice was just average. Making it big in the music world would be an unattainable dream, but Jay was a dreamer, and he never quit droning on about his career. He began stopping by the house often, and we soon became good friends.

  Jay was a soft and caring person. We would talk for hours when he visited. I found myself drawn to his sensitivity. He thought more like a woman than a man. Because he was ten years younger, he had not grown up with the same kind of beliefs as men and women of my era. The younger generation’s way of thinking was refreshing to me.

  Jay’s presence in my life, with his invigorating, youthful innocence, gradually helped to open some doors to my inner self. To my own surprise, I began revealing painful events of my life to him. I had always kept my feelings buried, but the group therapy sessions at Spring Creek were helping me deal with some of my deeper hurts. Jay and I talked extensively about Toni’s problems regarding Joe. I felt very comfortable discussing my concerns about Toni’s mental well-being with Jay. His understanding nature made me feel sheltered.

  Gradually, our friendship evolved into a relationship. It shocked
me more than people who knew me. This was very unlike me. However, considering my state at the time, I was ripe.

  Georgia Black allowed this association because I needed someone who understood my emotional traumas. Besides, it was safe. No way could this man ever come close to breaking down the thick walls surrounding my heart, not in any long-term sense. For the moment, yes, I enjoyed and needed the closeness I had with Jay, but he was far too young and inexperienced for me to entertain the thought of any kind of future with him.

  We were both aware that the relationship was temporary. We had been open about it from the beginning. When the time came, we parted and remained friends. Jay continued to stop by frequently just to say hello, or to take Dustin out for an ice cream. Dustin had become very attached to Jay, and Jay to him. He remained near the outer edges of my life for several more months.

  The long-awaited day came when Toni was ready to leave Spring Creek.

  “Georgia, I just spoke with Little John,” Dr. Kendall said. “He seems to think Toni has risen above her problem with drugs, but he feels she has never fully dealt with what happened with Joe. They warned me that she will probably repeat an unhealthy pattern with men if she doesn’t resolve it.”

  “What do you mean, pattern with men?”

  “It’s the way Toni will unconsciously deal with future encounters with men, due to the trauma of her involvement with Joe. She most likely will not be able to obtain a healthy relationship and will continue to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Toni’s reality in regard to men may be distorted and could cause her a great deal of emotional pain.”

  “So where do we go from here, Dr. Kendall?”

  “The school is aware of your financial condition. They are willing to let her come home, but with the understanding that she continues with therapy. As far as drugs are concerned, they strongly recommend that she not return to Beverly Hills High School. I think a small boarding school close to home would be best for now.”

  “What about Ojai?” I suggested. “She went to summer school there one year and really liked it.”

  “I couldn’t have thought of a better suggestion. Yes, that is ideal. It’s only an hour away—close enough to come home every weekend. And it’s small enough to keep an eye on her. I could see her on Saturdays for her therapy. That would work great. Shall I call and see if we can get her in?”

  “Yes,” I answered, excited that my daughter was coming home.

  Toni attended Happy Valley School in Ojai. She began to help Dr. Kendall with other kids to recognize their drug problems. I was proud of her progress.

  Somehow, on Toni’s weekend visits at home, she and Jay connected. They began to see each other secretly. When I found out, I was infuriated. Toni viewed my behavior as jealousy. My real concern was the pattern with men that I had been warned about. But she was in love and could see it only from her perspective. I turned my anger on Jay, since he was ten years older than Toni and had some understanding of her emotional problems. The hours we’d spent discussing my fears about this topic didn’t seem to play a part in his agenda. What kind of a man would do this? Had I been that wrong about his character? Obviously, I had.

  Georgia Black took charge and verbally ripped Jay apart. This served only to create strong resentment in Jay and to push Toni farther away from me. In the af termath of the venomous confrontations, I became the enemy. For him to have created that kind of disruption in my relationship with Toni was totally irresponsible. To me, it was major-league betrayal. Even having been educated as to Toni’s state of mind, I still couldn’t help but feel betrayed by her, too. How could this have happened? I blamed myself for being so stupid as to become involved with someone Jay’s age—another of the many bad choices I had made.

  I refused to have any contact with Toni until Jay was out of her life. She had to take some moral responsibility. If I didn’t stand firm on my position, I would be condoning her actions. Perhaps I was wrong in the way I handled this situation, but the whole thing just wasn’t right in my eyes.

  One of the ways I punished Toni was to take away her car. Jim Harkess had me flown to Ojai in his helicopter to retrieve the car. I landed unannounced on the high school football field. It was a bit dramatic, but I made my point. It didn’t do any good, though—I’d forgotten how strong the force of love could be.

  “Mom, how could you take my car?” Toni protested from her dorm a few hours later.

  “How? If you’re going to carry on with Jay against my wishes, then why should I supply you with the wheels to see him?”

  “That’s not going to stop me, Mom. I love Jay.”

  “Well, let’s see how far you go on love, Toni.”

  “Why can’t you let us be happy? You’re just jealous,” she cried.

  “Jealous? Toni, can’t you see how wrong this is? I don’t care about Jay! I care about you.”

  “I love him, Mom, and I’m going to keep seeing him,” she said with conviction.

  “It’s your choice, Toni, but you’re making a big mistake. You can always get another boyfriend, but you can’t get another mother.”

  In the meantime, I still had Dustin at least every other week. I had told Richard repeatedly that a week here and a week there was not working. When Dustin was a baby it had been fine, but since he had started school the constant back and forth was becoming disruptive. I wanted to change the arrangement to three months and three months, or six months and six months, with the other parent having him on the weekends. Richard refused. He was so hell-bent on hurting me that he couldn’t see what was happening to Dustin.

  Finally, the Buckley School called. We were asked to come in for a conference.

  “Dustin is a very bright child, but we feel he’s not working up to his potential,” said Mrs. Tabocco. “We’ve noticed he’s confused. He never seems to know which bus to get on—the one that takes him to his mother’s, or the one to his father’s. We feel this is causing some emotional stress, and it’s getting in the way of his ability to concentrate on his schoolwork.”

  I looked at Richard to see if he was blocking it out. He probably thought I’d put them up to saying that, but he was listening.

  “Do you think you two could work out something where Dustin can be in one household for the school year?”

  Now that the school had confirmed my fears, Richard was willing to make the changes that were in Dustin’s best interest. We decided that we would change our arrangement to six months and six months. We were almost into June and approaching my busiest time in the commercial season for automobiles, the time of year that most of my work was done on location. Richard took him for the first six months, and I had him every weekend.

  We planned to make the switch in January, which was a good time for Dustin, as he would be starting a new semester. It was also a time when I would be home more consistently. But when January came, Richard refused to make the switch.

  “We like it the way it is. I’m not giving him back. Take me to court,” he spewed in a superior voice.

  Knowing my financial stranglehold, he probably never thought I would do it, but I was in the lawyer’s office the following morning. The resultant nightmare would consume my life for the next year and a half.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Richard, who was retired and bored silly, now had a new game to entertain him. He needed to win the custody battle at all costs. He even went so far as to marry a girl he met in France (and knew for only six days) so he would appear to the court to be the better-suited parent. She couldn’t even speak English. After the proceedings, he paid her $30,000 and sent her back to France. The poor girl had no idea what was happening. But worst of all, he twisted Dustin’s young mind and turned him against me just to reach his ultimate goal—to win. His motivation infuriated me.

  Richard stopped at nothing. He fueled the fire that existed between my daughter and me. He used our strained relationship to his advantage, condoning both her and Jay’s behavior and making himself their ally—someone wit
h whom they could seek refuge and feel exonerated. He took them on trips and bought them gifts. He was an expert at using people and manipulating them to do his dirty deeds. He made large donations to Dustin’s school and showered the administration with gifts.

  It broke my heart to see my son being pulled away from me. I’d never felt more alone. Richard did a good job of poisoning Dustin’s vulnerable mind.When I would pick him up, he was scared to look happy to see me.

  “What’s the matter, Dusty? Don’t you love Mommy anymore?” I asked.

  He looked out the car window and waited until he could no longer see his dad’s house.

  “I love you, Mommy,” he answered, wrapping his arms around my neck. He wiggled as close to me as he could get, and rested his head against me. Then, suddenly, he jerked his head up and looked at me. “Don’t tell Daddy I kissed you. . . . He’ll be mad.”

  My heart broke. “It’s not wrong to love your mom, Dusty.”

  “Don’t tell him; don’t tell him!” he pleaded.

  “Okay, okay . . . but why are you so afraid?”

  “ ’Cause.”

  “ ’Cause why?”

  “ ’Cause he won’t buy me the remote-control truck.”

  “That’s not a very good reason to pretend you don’t love your mom.”

  “I know, but he doesn’t like it when I love you. He always says bad things about you. When I tell him he’s lying, he gets mad at me, and then he doesn’t buy me stuff.”

  “You shouldn’t ever have to pretend like that, Dusty.”

  “Sometimes it’s not pretend.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, feeling another jab to my heart.

  “How come you always have to take me on weekends? That’s when my dad does all the fun things—and I can never go.”