Road Kill

by Hanna Jameson

Daisy

  I was surprised when he said he’d come over to Mark’s place. He also didn’t find it weird that I was living there. Maybe he and Mark had discussed me at some point, in some stilted manly way.

  Even more surprising that he’d agreed to a morning visit, before I went to work.

  I sat on the edge of the sofa, hugging my knees and watching the minutes open and shut on my phone.

  I hadn’t slept.

  Every time I thought about Eli I forgot more of what he looked like. My brain was repressing his features. As I was falling asleep he kept leaping into my head, with more of his face missing and elongated limbs. If I had my way I’d cover him in petrol and light the fucker up like an abandoned car.

  When the buzzer sounded I let him up without even checking who it was, delaying actually seeing him until the very last second.

  A knock.

  I thought I might throw up on him, but I forced myself to go and answer it.

  Nic looked at me and said, ‘Hi.’

  And I realized he wasn’t even fucking nervous.

  I didn’t know whether to shake hands or hug or what so I just pulled a ridiculous face and went and sat down again. He could have at least had the grace to seem uncomfortable, but he was at work. This was a work meeting, just as I’d fucking described it.

  ‘You said you had something to tell me about Seven?’ he said, remaining standing like a cunt.

  ‘You can at least sit down.’

  He did, but only a courtesy lean against a chest of drawers. ‘Have you really?’

  ‘Really what?’

  ‘Really got something to tell me about Seven?’ He said it with this pained tone of voice, like he had uncovered something embarrassing.

  It was hard to keep myself under control in face of such arrogance. ‘What, you think this is an excuse to see you?’

  He shrugged.

  He’d cut his hair, I noticed, and grown his stubble out. But there was always something about Nic that was going to remain stunted and teen-like. Sometimes I thought the only reason he’d become a professional killer in the first place was because he was so woeful at dealing with people. Must have been crushing for him to realize that what he did was just another form of customer service.

  ‘Seven’s working for this guy called Roman Katz,’ I said. ‘Heard of him?’

  He came forwards and sat facing me on Mark’s coffee table. He put down his man-bag and frowned. ‘Katz?’

  ‘Yeah. Me and Noel have both seen her.’

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘Katz, really?’

  ‘Yeah. There’s this guy called Sean…’ I trailed off. ‘I haven’t told Mark about it yet.’

  A beat, then Nic shook his head. ‘No, don’t do that.’

  ‘Don’t tell him?’

  ‘No. Mark’s still in Chicago, he…’ Clarity came over his face. ‘He was given a tip-off that she was there.’

  ‘From…’

  ‘Katz. He never said it was Katz but it was Katz. Who else knows about this?’

  ‘Only Noel and Ronnie but Ronnie’s not really around and Noel’s just…’ I made a vague gesture to indicate another kind of absence.

  ‘Not Edie?’

  ‘We weren’t sure what she’d do. Or if she’d even give a toss, y’know.’

  ‘No, you’re right.’ I could see his mind whirring with info. ‘Don’t tell anyone else. Especially not Mark.’

  ‘I might have… already said to him that I knew some-thing.’

  ‘Just say you were mistaken. He can’t know.’

  I glanced around the flat. It wouldn’t surprise me if Mark had cameras or bugs in here somewhere. In my mind he almost became omniscient at times, able to see through walls and read minds.

  ‘Really, you think Mark can’t handle it? I know he’s fucking the guy but…’

  ‘I just think you should keep it to yourself for a bit. The more people know, the more space we have to fuck this up.’

  It was strange hearing him say the word ‘we’.

  After a short silence staring at the floor, he looked at me again.

  ‘I know you always said she wouldn’t leave London,’ he continued. ‘We should have listened to you. I… Yeah, we should have listened to you.’

  Nice of him to remember. It was as close to an apology as I was going to get.

  ‘She probably wants to get caught,’ I said. ‘I know it sounds a bit Psychology 101 but she’s not… evil. She’s kinda old-fashioned. If you guys came after her for revenge I think she’d actually respect that.’

  ‘She’d still kill any one of us to save her own skin though.’

  ‘Oh yeah. Obvs. She’ll feel guilty but she’s not stupid.’

  ‘What’s she still doing for Katz then?’ he mused out loud. ‘They’d have just killed her unless she’s doing something worthwhile for them and she’s only this tiny little girl.’

  I raised my eyebrows. ‘And you can’t think of anything worthwhile a girl might be doing?’

  He smiled a little, which was infuriating. ‘Come on.’

  ‘Come on, what?’

  ‘Come on.’

  ‘Come on, what?’

  ‘It’s just unusual, that’s all.’

  I glared at him until any trace of mirth left his features.

  ‘Forgot about that look,’ he said quietly, making me redden. ‘OK, leave this with me for now. I’ll need to speak to Noel and decide what to do about Mark. I can’t see him taking this very well.’

  His left leg had started jigging up and down.

  ‘Speaking of evil,’ I said, to quickly fill the silence, ‘have you met Eli?’

  ‘The guy who came back with Ron?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Not really. In passing.’

  ‘What did you think of him?’

  He shrugged. ‘You can’t make many assumptions about a guy from “Hi”.’

  ‘Except you do, all the time.’ I grinned. ‘You’re so fucking judgey, Nic.’

  ‘Judgey McJudgerson, I know.’

  He snorted and I started laughing.

  I stopped before he did, knowing I wouldn’t be able to stand it if he lapsed into silence first. ‘Seriously though, this guy is fucked up. I don’t know why he’s here but he’s hella bad news, Nic. If you’re going to see Noel then please, just fucking humour me, and take a look at him.’

  ‘Are you sure you don’t like him because you’re also really fucking judgey?’

  ‘Never said I wasn’t, eh. But I’ve got the worst feeling about him. The worst. Even thinking about him makes me go all…’ I shuddered. ‘He’s after something.’

  ‘What, money?’

  ‘No, I actually don’t think it’s that, it’s… He’s like the sorta guy who would randomly push someone in front of a train on the underground. Not because he planned it but because it would spring into his head that he’d find it funny.’

  ‘That’s a very specific vibe to get from someone.’

  He picked up his man-bag, leg still twitching. It was restless either as a sign of anxiety or a sign of calm. If he was particularly relaxed in bed he used to rub his feet together and think it was imperceptible. It wasn’t. It was one of the loudest and most irritating things a person could do in a silent and darkened room.

  Nic must have picked up on the unwelcome invasion of emotion, and stood up.

  ‘Well,’ he said, ‘you have to admit, those types of people are the ones who keep life interesting.’

  I suddenly felt I was about to cry.

  Before he left there was a moment, a moment where he paused and I thought he was going to apologize for everything. But he didn’t. He looked down at me without words and then he left.

  *

  I took some MDMA on the way to work because if I didn’t I was gonna spend the whole day crying. But it didn’t help; I could feel it as soon as I hit the fresh air. It wasn’t going to bring me up, it was gonna do that thing where any jolt, any pang of emotion, was going to be converted straig
ht into anxiety. It went straight to my heart beat rather than to my head.

  The first person I saw upon entering the club was Ronnie’s little brother, sat in one of the sofa booths eating a bowl of cereal alone.

  He waved as I walked in.

  My eyes were like rabbit holes. ‘What are you doing here? Don’t you have a job or something?’

  ‘No, not so much.’ A nervous laugh.

  I stared at him from behind the bar. I didn’t even know where he’d got the fucking Cheerios from. ‘Well… if I make you a coffee maybe you can go find one?’

  I took the excuse to turn and fiddle with the coffee machine, taking deep breaths.

  The clink of a spoon against china.

  ‘Thanks. Just let me know if I’m getting in your way, OK.’

  Maybe it was the MDMA making me soft, but I said, ‘You’re not getting in my way, it’s fine. Why are you here so early?’

  ‘Just getting a vibe off Rachel that she doesn’t want me around the house so much. Thought I’d come eat here.’

  ‘Maybe Ronnie should stick up for you.’

  ‘It’s not like I don’t deserve it. I am a bit of an asshole. Eli’s the only guy who doesn’t seem to mind.’

  ‘Like, I don’t know what you were in prison for so I don’t know what you can do, but have you thought about what job you want to do now? Must be weird to be able to think about that again. Is there still a part of you that thinks about being an astronaut and stuff?’

  ‘A bit. Well, the same other stuff I wanted to do when I was young anyway.’

  I blinked, hard.

  He gestured at me. ‘Did you wanna own a nightclub then?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘This is what you must be into, right. Why else would you be in here working like sixteen hours a day unless that was what you wanted to do?’

  I’d never given it much thought. ‘Um, I don’t know. It’s a job.’

  ‘Ron said you were like Edie’s deputy now.’

  ‘He said that?’ My eyes narrowed, unease spreading through my veins. ‘Why would you tell me what Ronnie was saying about anything?’

  ‘Because you seem all right, and Ron gets super weird about anyone he thinks is gonna take his stuff. Believe me. I know.’

  To avoid any scrutiny, I remembered Eamonn’s coffee and made it while trying not to shake, frown, or give any other indication that I’d made sense of what he’d said. It had never seriously occurred to me that Ronnie or Noel could see me as a threat. But maybe Seven had caused them to be a little more suspicious around small young women.

  When I crossed the club to give Eamonn his coffee he smiled at me, and I realized he had a black eye and a slightly swollen lip.

  He looked like Ronnie, if Ronnie was capable of looking self-deprecating. The one aspect of his personality that had always been missing – as I pointed out to Noel all the time – was any ability to take the piss out of himself. Ronnie went through life with the seriousness of a martyr.

  I remembered once, in a club, I’d heard someone say to his mates that Ronnie was ‘Too Goodfellas to function’. At first I thought Ronnie hadn’t heard the comment. Several minutes later, without a word, he picked up his beer bottle and launched himself at the offender’s throat. We ended up running from the police and hiding in someone’s front garden until five in the morning.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I still don’t know how to act around girls, you know.’

  ‘It’s fine. You’re fine.’

  ‘Thanks, man.’ He raised his coffee.

  ‘Can’t Ronnie just give you a job? He gave me a job mostly coz of my boyfriend and I was just some nobody. You’re his brother, that has to count for something.’

  ‘You only count to Ron when you’re useful. I think sometimes he has that Top Trumps vision, y’know, where he looks at someone and just sees this little block of stats.’

  I sat opposite him, feeling on the verge of a panic attack. My arms were hot and I could see a rash springing up. That Mandy was whack.

  Eamonn stared into his cereal with a remarkable level of desolation.

  CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

  Ronnie

  ‘I don’t wanna be harsh, Dad, but he’s zero fucking use to anybody. My kids have a higher combined net worth than him and even underage they’re still more likely to get a fucking job. I’d sooner Ryan come with me on a drop than—’

  ‘Better there than here. The US is a lot more unforgiving, you know that.’

  The smell of Thai spices wafted into my study from the kitchen and I shut the door. Downstairs I could hear Ryan and Chantal talking about some kid stuff, something school-related, and Rachel offering advice.

  She was still here, because of course she was.

  ‘Noel is no longer useful to you either, you know. You’ve been saying yourself.’

  ‘That’s different. He’s my friend and I know he’s capable because he’s proved it in the past. Eamonn, not so much.’ I sat back in my swivel chair opposite my father’s face, flickering on Skype. ‘He’s already getting himself punched in the face. Rachel doesn’t want him around—’

  ‘And you’re going to let a woman tell you how to conduct yourself with your own family.’

  He’d count it as a victory if I hinted at the truth about the state of my marriage right now, so I sniffed and said, ‘Rachel is my family, and I agree with her.’

  ‘You can’t be the only person in London with a spare room.’

  ‘No, but do you have any idea what prices are like here?’

  ‘More than you know, kid.’

  ‘What the fuck is that meant to mean?’

  ‘Don’t you dare be insolent.’

  As we looked at each other, I realized I felt nothing. Not even fear. Not love, certainly.

  ‘You need to deal with Noel,’ he said, with a stony expression. ‘Whether you like it or not, you need to think about your future without your friend. He’ll hold you back.’

  ‘I’m not going to fire my partner just because he’s gone through a shit time. We’ve all made fucking bad decisions.’

  ‘If he was your subordinate you wouldn’t even hesitate.’

  ‘Maybe not, but he’s not my fucking subordinate. And he wouldn’t stand for it, it would be a fucking betrayal and we’ve had enough of those, from actual subordinates.’ I opened my desk drawers to see if I had any baccy or gum, but there was nothing. ‘Anyway, fuck this, you’re not even here, you have no idea how I run my affairs.’

  ‘You know what you have to do, and you have Eli to help you. So listen to him. Don’t make yourself trouble you don’t need. That’s all I have to say.’

  If he wasn’t my father I’d feel like he was threatening me.

  ‘Well thanks, Dad, it’s been real nice talking to you. Give my love to Mum.’

  I slammed the laptop shut.

  I wondered why it had taken me so long to shut the laptop on him.

  My phone started vibrating on the desk and I picked it up, thinking it had to be my father again.

  But it was…

  ‘Fuck me, I didn’t expect to see you calling!’

  Luiz laughed, and the sound reverberated around the inside of the speaker. ‘You sound surprised I am still alive!’

  ‘Where the fuck are you?’

  ‘I am back in St Louis but leaving soon. I have been back a while now. Sorry. I am sorry I left…’

  ‘No, don’t be. He was your friend, you had to go with him. Where is Cathal now?’

  ‘Fuck knows, he disappeared. He left me a note but I don’t know if it was him who leave it or… I just came home.’

  ‘So no word from him?’

  ‘No.’

  I shook my head. ‘I never did work out if he was just crazy or whether there was anything to all that stuff he was working on.’

  ‘Turning things into gold, eh?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I snorted. ‘I actually almost believed him when he gave me back this spoon.’

  ‘What?
’

  ‘I gave him a spoon and just before he left he said he’d turned it into gold. I’ve never tested it or anything, I don’t really know how you’d do that, but I wanted to believe there was something to it.’

  ‘Maybe there is. You know he did the same for me once, with a… I think it was something I stole from a party. He gave it back after a few weeks and it was flat and covered in marks. They were gold but… it is just a colour. So I forgot about it for a while until I met someone who could test the content. It was not entirely gold. But mostly gold.’ He paused. ‘I never mentioned it to him.’

  I didn’t know what to say to that.

  ‘Did you find your man?’ Luiz asked.

  ‘Trent? Well… No, no we didn’t. We might have done. We thought we had.. But it wasn’t him.’

  ‘He gone? You give up?’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘We reached a dead end.’ It crossed my mind then, for the first time since being back, that Melissa de Ehrmann lived in London. ‘And Eli hasn’t mentioned it since. Weird, it almost seems like none of the stuff in LA and Staten Island even happened.’

  I wondered if Eli had paid her a visit. She had been on his list, after all, even if the list had just been a veiled attempt at pursuing his own obsession with chaos.

  ‘What went on?’

  ‘It was just… fucked. I don’t even know.’

  ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t there, man.’

  ‘Well it’s good to hear from you, Luiz. Where are you off to now?’

  ‘It’s time to move on from St Louis. You don’t need people in London, do you?’

  I laughed. ‘You know what, at any other time I’d take you up on that but I’ve got way too many fucking people in London right now. Give it a few months, but visit anytime.’

  ‘I might drive up to Santa Cruz, chill for a while. I’m glad you and Eli are OK.’

  Eamonn had arrived. I heard the front door and the volume of the voices downstairs increase a few octaves.

  ‘Thanks, Luiz. You too. Gimme a call when you get to Santa Cruz, I could do with a fucking holiday. Maybe I’ll come join you.’

  ‘Look me up, man. Keep in touch.’

  ‘Bye, Luiz.’

  I put the phone down.

  Opening my desk drawers again, I shoved aside a load of random crap – receipts, bags of the things – and found the mangled spoon where I’d unceremoniously shoved it. Picking it up, maybe it did look more golden than before. I held it close to my eyes and tried to believe. I really wanted to fucking believe.