Once Burned, Twice Spy

by Diane Henders

I let my head fall against the headrest in despair. “Oh, for… Fine; you’re right. I don’t have any way to make you.” I eased my hand down toward the trank pistol in my ankle holster as I spoke. “But, John, how are you going to deal with this? In just a few hours…” I consulted my wristwatch to direct his attention away from what my other hand was doing. “…it’s going to be Daniel’s bedtime. He’ll be screaming for you the way he always does…” I twisted in the seat as if to face him for a more convincing argument. “…and you can’t even call to tell him-”

  Kane’s hand shot out and clamped an iron grip on the trank pistol I’d barely raised.

  “Did you really think that would work?” he asked.

  I sighed and let him take the pistol. “No, but I had to try.”

  “Well, stop. I’m involved, and it’s too late for you to get rid of me.” He eyed Skidmark speculatively. “And we’re going to need more help to pull this off.”

  “I can get Moonbeam and Karma to come down…” Skidmark began.

  “No,” I interrupted. “They’re visiting with St-” As usual, I had to bite off ‘Stemp’ and substitute, “…Charles. If they’ve travelled all the way here for a visit and then they suddenly take off and leave him, he’s going to get suspicious.”

  Skidmark regarded me in silence for a moment. “Don’t think it really matters,” he said slowly. “’Cause my kid is your Director, isn’t he?”

  Completely blindsided, I shot a panicked glance at Kane. His cop face was impenetrable.

  But I’d already blown the whole thing.

  I sank my head into my hands. “Fuck. How did you figure it out?”

  Skidmark shrugged. “You keep calling him ‘Stemp’ instead of using his first name. You work together and trust each other, but you’re not friends or lovers. And he just got suspended; and you just said your Director was having problems with the chain of command. I put two and two together. So if we have to tell him the truth, it’s no big deal.”

  “Except that they might haul him back in for another lie detector test,” I pointed out. “And then he’d either have to tell them everything; or else refuse to talk and end up getting charged with treason along with the rest of us.” Skidmark paled, and I added, “So let’s keep him out of the loop, okay?”

  “Okay,” he agreed. “Kane, you were about to suggest something?”

  “Yes,” Kane said. “I can get Hellhound to help.”

  My objection came out in a half-shout. “NO! I won’t take everybody I care about down with me! And anyway, we can’t contact him without Holt knowing; and Arnie’s not even an agent, so he won’t be able to get away from Holt.”

  “He has more skills than you realize,” Kane said shortly. “And I know he would rather go to prison than be prevented from helping you.”

  “You can’t know that!” I snapped. “And I already let Skidmark talk me into contacting you, which was a stupid idea…” I glared at Skidmark even though it wasn’t his fault, and plunged on, “…and you came here in good faith and then discovered you couldn’t back out and I feel sick about doing that to you! I’m not going to do it to Arnie, too!”

  Kane inclined his chin in Skidmark’s direction. “Thank you, Skidmark. Good call.” He returned his level gaze to me. “You don’t get a vote in this. Arnie and I are brothers, and I know how he feels about you. This is my duty to him.”

  “John, no! Please!”

  “Sorry, Aydan.” His lips twisted in a bittersweet smile. “I know how many times you’ve put your life on the line for us. You’ll just have to accept it when we do the same for you.”

  “But that’s not fair! I’m…”

  Sudden sick realization closed my mouth. I had almost blurted ‘I’m nothing compared to you’.

  I didn’t truly believe that, did I?

  No, dammit, I didn’t. I was plenty fucked up after my disastrous first marriage, but I still believed in my own worth.

  …Didn’t I?

  Kane’s voice snapped me back to the present. “Aydan, what’s wrong?”

  My mouth opened but nothing came out. I tried again, and managed a feeble croak. “I… I think I just found some programming.”

  Kane and Skidmark both leaned forward, their gazes hard and intent. “What is it?” Kane demanded.

  “I… uh… I think Sam might have programmed me for a… a suicide mission.”

  Chapter 35

  “What just happened?” Kane snapped.

  I swallowed against the thickness in my throat. “I… you… when you said you would put your life on the line for me, I had a gut-deep reaction. That I should sacrifice my life for you; but never allow you to do the same for me. That your life…” I glanced at Skidmark, feeling my way through the echoes of the reaction. “Arnie’s life… Skidmark’s… hell, everybody else’s life… is more important than mine.”

  “But you don’t really believe that,” Skidmark said. “’Cause if you really believed it, it wouldn’t have hit you like a ton of bricks. It would have felt normal.”

  “Right…” I wrapped my arms around myself, fighting the tremors that rocked me. “But… it was just… there. So strong it was like a kick in the gut.”

  Kane eased back in the seat, frowning. “That might explain a few things,” he said slowly.

  “Like what?” Skidmark asked.

  Kane’s level grey gaze evaluated me, seeing deep into the dark places I’d hidden from everyone. I squirmed under the weight of it, familiar panic welling up at the thought of revealing my feelings.

  I could open my body to him without hesitation, but to open my heart? The old cold terror lashed through me.

  Never.

  I clenched my fists. Dammit, I had already dealt with that shit. I had put it behind me and moved on.

  Hadn’t I?

  Maybe I had no control over it at all…

  As if reading my mind, Kane’s eyes narrowed. “I’ve worked with Aydan for almost two years now. She’s one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. She won’t hesitate to lay down her life to protect others. That’s admirable, but…” He hesitated, his face softening. “Sometimes I’ve wondered if there was more to it.”

  As though he’d forgotten Skidmark’s presence, Kane spoke directly to me, our gazes locking together. “Aydan, I’ve been willing to sacrifice my life to save others, too. So has every other agent in the Department; so has Hellhound. But… even though we would die if it was necessary… we still want to live. Sometimes I’ve wondered whether you do.”

  “Of course…” I began, but a memory rose up and choked me.

  Lying on icy pavement, cold searing my skin while bullets ricocheted close; too close. Outnumbered and outgunned. Knowing that horrific torture drew nearer with every bullet spent from my weapon.

  Some things are worse than death.

  I shook myself back to the present. “I don’t think I have a death wish. I’ve been through a lot of shit, and if I was serious about dying I’ve had more than enough opportunities.”

  “That’s true,” Kane allowed.

  The logical conclusion hovered in the silence between us.

  I hadn’t given up my life yet because I’d been programmed to die for something… or someone… else.

  “I really need to talk to Nora,” I said.

  Kane sighed. “Maybe you’re right. Skidmark? What do you think?”

  “No way to know.” Skidmark frowned at me. “Karma said it would be damn hard to program you; and I believe him. You’ve got some pretty strong principles.”

  “And some pretty bloodthirsty reflexes,” I said gloomily. “And if my kneejerk reaction is to sacrifice everything to save someone else…” I eyed him, fondness aching in my heart. “If I thought somebody was threatening your life, I’d kill them on the spot.”

  His frown deepened. “I don’t think so, girlie. I’ve known lots of killers; and you’re not the type to shoot first. Killing is a last resort for you.”

  “But it wouldn’t be hard to convi
nce me it was a last resort.” I kneaded my aching forehead. “I’m too used to life-or-death situations.”

  “Exactly. You’re used to making instant judgement calls. That kind of reflex would be pretty hard to reprogram.” He eyed my doubtful expression for a moment before turning back to Kane. “My vote is to call Hellhound and get this show on the road.”

  Kane nodded. “All right. Aydan, we need to make this count. Can you think of any way to get the lie detector without alerting the Department?”

  I hissed out a breath and flopped back in the seat. “No. It’ll be in Jack’s secured lab and…” I trailed off as a half-formed idea floated into my brain.

  “And…?” Kane prompted.

  “And… I might… have an idea after all. I have Reggie’s private cellphone number; and I know he believes I’m innocent. He and Jack seemed friendly with each other, so he might be able to convince her to let us borrow the lie detector for a little while…” I hesitated, thinking through the consequences. “And Holt wouldn’t be monitoring them. But if they got caught, they could be charged with treason, too.”

  “Are you sure Chow won’t report you?”

  I sighed. “Pretty sure. But… not positive.”

  “I’ll leave that decision to you, then. I’ll text Hellhound.”

  “But Holt will have his phone tapped for sure,” I objected.

  “That’s why I’m not texting to his personal phone,” Kane replied as he extracted a burner phone from his pocket. “We set up this code system long ago.” His mouth twisted. “And I should have done it with you, too; but I thought after I quit the Department…” He trailed off with a grimace and thumbed the keys of the phone. A few seconds later he turned the screen toward me with a mischievous smile.

  I grinned, too, as I read aloud, “Hey, Sexy! See you tomorrow night?” As Kane pressed ‘Send’, I added teasingly, “I didn’t know you and Arnie had a thing.”

  He chuckled and began to reply, but his smile vanished as the phone vibrated in his hand.

  “He’s compromised,” Kane snapped.

  My heart lurched. “How do you know? You haven’t even read the message yet.”

  “The message is irrelevant. Let’s go. Meet me in an hour at Carburn Park.” Kane slid out of my car, ripped the battery out of the phone, and hurled both items into the park. As he jogged to his truck, I slapped the car into gear and accelerated for the exit.

  My getaway was immediately thwarted by a solid stream of traffic. I thumped the steering wheel. “Dammit, it’s rush hour! It’s going to take us nearly an hour just to get all the way down to Carburn.”

  I spotted an opening and goosed the accelerator to slip into the gap, the car spinning and slithering around the corner to fishtail onto the street.

  Right. This wasn’t my all-wheel-drive Legacy.

  Fortunately I hadn’t lost my two-wheel-drive reflexes, and after its initial skittishness the Saturn settled comfortably into the traffic. My stomach growled, and I glanced over at Skidmark. “Are you hungry?”

  “Yeah. Haven’t had anything but popcorn since this morning.”

  “Oh my God! You must be ready to fall over!”

  He gave me a bemused frown. “I’m ready to eat, but I’m fine if I don’t.”

  “Oh.”

  My stomach growled again and I massaged it, wondering whether the quivering weakness creeping into my limbs was nerves, normal hunger, or some sinister invention of Sam’s.

  Fuck it. No matter where it came from, I still had to deal with it.

  “Well, I need to eat.” I spotted a fast-food restaurant and activated my turn signal. “So you get to eat, too.”

  “Suits me.” He grinned, his flamboyantly curled moustache echoing the upward curve of his lips. “And now that I’m all dolled up, I want to borrow your clean parka again, too.”

  “Can’t be too soon for me. Your stink has just about melted my sinuses.” I pulled into a parking spot. “I don’t want to go into the restaurant, so let’s do the switch here and then I’ll go through the drive-through.”

  Several minutes later we were on the road again, the car scented with the mouthwatering aromas of grease and flame-broiled meat. I wolfed down my burger one-handed while I drove, then let out a long sigh and plied a paper napkin.

  “Remind me not to reach in front of you while you’re eating,” Skidmark remarked through a mouthful of burger. “I might lose an arm.”

  “Couple of fingers for sure,” I agreed, and reached for my fries. “I probably couldn’t get your whole arm in one bite.”

  “I wouldn’t want to take the chance.” He swallowed the last of his burger and pulled out a vanity mirror to fastidiously stroke his moustache back into position and flick a wayward crumb from his braided beard. “So what’s the deal with you and Kane?”

  I stared out the windshield. “Like he said, we worked together for nearly two years.”

  “And?”

  “And nothing.”

  “Don’t bullshit me, girlie.”

  I blew out a breath. “And… there’s too much attraction and not enough trust. I’d put my physical safety in his hands without hesitation, but…” I trailed off.

  “Why don’t you trust him?”

  I shot Skidmark a glare before returning my attention to the road. “Because I’m fucked up, okay? I’m done talking about this.”

  In my peripheral vision, I saw him nod sagely. “Right. It’s all because you’re fucked up.”

  Stupidly, I took the bait. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “Couldn’t have anything to do with Kane at all,” Skidmark went on as though I hadn’t spoken. “Nope, it’s all your fault. Makes perfect sense. A guy like Kane; career army, combat veteran, agent; spent his whole life killing and trying not to get killed in return… nope, a guy like that would never have any issues of his own.”

  “He hasn’t spent his whole life killing,” I snapped. “He’s risked his life to save innocent people. Over and over.”

  “Yeah; and what’s his body count?”

  “How the hell would I know?”

  “How many that you know of?” Skidmark persisted. “In the two years you’ve known him?”

  I didn’t bother to add it up. It was too damn depressing. “Probably about the same as mine. Maybe more.”

  “So…”

  “So nothing, old man. I was fucked up long before I started killing people, and you can stop with the psychological bullshit.”

  “Okay,” he said mildly. “I’m just saying that if you’re programmed to think you deserve to die for everybody else, you might have some weird programming about relationships, too.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Freud. Now shut up.”

  He nodded and complied.

  Guilt started nagging at me immediately.

  I sighed. “Sorry. Thanks for trying to help.”

  He let out a wheezy chuckle. “Wow. Less than fifteen seconds. You’re a tough nut to crack.”

  “Shut up.”

  He did, but this time he was grinning.

  When we arrived early at Carburn Park, there was no sign of Kane’s brown truck. I parked and let the car idle, frowning out the windshield.

  “Problem?” Skidmark inquired.

  “Not that I know of. I’m just debating whether to try for the lie detector.” I scowled at the leaden clouds glowing orange in the streetlights while snow crystals sparkled in the dark air. “Even if Reggie’s willing to bring us the lie detector, he can’t disappear for five hours or more without somebody asking where he’s gone. Especially since the roads are so shitty. Nobody would willingly drive the highway in these conditions.” I shivered, remembering how close we had come to disaster. “And I don’t want him to take the risk anyway.”

  “Okay, but if this Reggie is on your side, couldn’t he give you some strategic intel?”

  “Probably not. He’s working on another part of the investigation, and he wouldn’t know what was going on with Holt.” />
  “But if you trust him…”

  I silenced Skidmark with a glare. “I’ve already dragged you and John into this clusterfuck, and probably Arnie, too. I’d like to have one friend left who won’t go to prison when the shit hits the fan.”

  “He likely wouldn’t get convicted,” Skidmark argued. “If he doesn’t know anything about Holt’s investigation he wouldn’t know there’s a warrant out for you, so they couldn’t accuse him of collusion.”

  “I’m pretty sure he’d know about the warrant. By now everybody will know Stemp’s been suspended, and they’ll know why.”

  “So don’t ask Reggie to help you.” Skidmark shrugged. “Just call him and ask if he’s heard what’s going on. If he says yes, tell him to have a nice day, and hang up. If he says no, ask your questions. It’s not his fault if your chain of command doesn’t keep him in the loop.”

  I frowned at him, my brain twisting through the logic. Did that make sense; or did I just want it to make sense?

  Maybe it made sense.

  Or maybe I was just too tired to figure it out.

  I sighed and pulled out a burner phone to text, “Hey, you lush. Call me.” I was pretty sure he wouldn’t have told anybody else about his excesses the other night, so he’d know it was me even though he wouldn’t recognize the burner number.

  My finger quivered over the Send button. Then I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed the button. When I opened my eyes, Skidmark was watching me with a self-satisfied smirk.

  “What are you so happy about?” I growled. “You’ll be going to prison along with everybody else if this blows up.”

  He snorted. “What the hell do I care? A life sentence for me wouldn’t amount to more than a few years anyway. When I get sick enough they’ll put me in the hospital, and then I’ll have a warm bed, pain control, and three square meals a day until I die. Not a bad deal.”

  My heart clenched at the thought of him gasping his life away alone in a prison hospital bed, and his face softened.

  “Hey.” He patted my hand. “Don’t look so miserable. We all gotta go sometime.”

  I swallowed hard. “I know, but I just…”