Dance With Destiny

by Sloan Johnson

  “What in the hell?” Andrew flops onto the couch, starting at the screen of his phone. “Why’s he there?”

  “Why’s who, where?” Caroline asks, sitting next to him.

  “Dom,” Andrew responds, turning his phone so his wife can see the display.

  She cocks her head, her eyes darting between Andrew and the screen. “What’s in Rhode Island?”

  The look on Andrew’s face when he makes eye contact with me is nothing short of disgust. Realizing I’m not welcome for this particular conversation, I head into the kitchen to make a dinner I’m certain will go uneaten. To give them privacy, I pull the pocket doors closed, shutting down a glimpse into Dom’s life that Andrew obviously doesn’t think I deserve.

  And he’s right. None of them owe me a damn thing. Once again, I’ve taken something that could be good and turned it into a steaming pile of shit. It’s my fault that Dom ran away from Andrew after promising they’d spend time together.

  Once dinner is in the oven, I set the timer and leave a note on the counter telling them not to wait up for me. Not that they would, but I don’t know when I’ll be coming back. If not for the fact that Christmas is in two days and my mother would kill me if I bailed on a family holiday, I’d head to the airport and get my ass home so Dom would be nothing but a memory I could drown at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey in the comfort of my own home.

  It’s early enough that Ray’s Place isn’t packed with drunks yet when I walk in. Seeing Dahlia restocking coolers before the rush, I plop my sorry ass on a stool in front of her and slap a twenty on the bar. “Hey, sexy,” she greets me with a smile that quickly fades when she realizes what a foul mood I’m in. “What’s got you ready to kick someone’s ass?”

  I’ve never kept secrets from Kennedy, but I haven’t told her about Sunday because I know she’ll tell me what an asshole I was. I’m doing that enough for everyone, and Andrew’s made it clear what he thinks of how I treated his friend, so I haven’t been in the mood to hear it from her, too.

  Maybe I shouldn’t care. Dom and I had one night of amazing sex, nothing more, but I’m sitting here acting like we were a couple in a committed relationship with the amount of guilt I feel over upsetting him. Regardless of what I should feel, the weight of my words is like a vice on my heart and that’s the biggest bitch of all.

  “Know a good way for me to kick my own ass without falling over?” I mumble. Dahlia sets two drinks and a shot glass in front of me and pours herself a matching shot. We tip back the shots and she comes around the side of the bar to give me a hug. She’s the first person I’ve allowed to comfort me in this whole fucked up situation. My sister has tried, but it’s not the same. She’s too close to both of us and I pull away from her to avoid feeling even worse.

  “That boy really has you messed up, huh?” she asks, sitting on the stool next to me. “Let me guess, you two had fun, but now he’s gone and you miss him?”

  “I wish. More like I fucked up, he ran away and I’m the idiot sitting here trying to figure out how to fix it. Not that I can do that if he doesn’t come back here, which is a real possibility at this point.” She leans over the bar to pour herself a glass of soda and settles back on her stool, motioning for me to continue. “I really like him, Dahlia. And that’s insane because it’d never work between us. I just got hired on full-time after trying for two years and he has a business in Arizona that he can’t walk away from. Not to mention the fact that Andrew’s family is fiercely protective of him. I know they wouldn’t let me hurt him again like I did Sunday morning, but I don’t see any way around that with everything we have stacked against us.”

  “Why don’t you start by telling me what you fucked up? I’ll be done here in about an hour and you’re coming out to stay with us tonight.” Dahlia’s not offering me a place to crash, she’s forcing me to invert my penis and turn into a chick for the night. Guys don’t talk willingly, but now that I’ve taken the lid off this particular box, she’s going to dig around until she gets the answers she needs. She’s exactly like Kennedy that way and I’m going to have to deal with both of them tonight. “Does Ken know what you did that’s so horrific? I swear, if that bitch is suddenly keeping secrets from me, I’m going to strap on the Punisher tonight.” I make fake gagging noises at the thought of having to hear about what they do in the privacy of their own home and she busts out laughing.

  “Seriously, don’t talk about that shit with me.” I shudder, hating the fact that I can’t stop wondering what in the hell a ‘Punisher’ is. I have a pretty good clue, based on the evil grin on Dahlia’s face, and I seriously don’t want to think about two of my closest friends doing that.

  “I got you to think about something else for fifteen seconds,” Dahlia quips. She kisses me on the cheek and gets back to work wiping down the bar as we talk. “But don’t think you’re not going to tell me what you did this time. I swear having you around is like having all the idiocy that goes along with men without any of the benefits of a stiff dick.”

  “So why not go find yourself a man so you get the full experience?” I retort.

  Dahlia leans over the bar as if she’s about to share the meaning of life. “Because there are ways around wanting a cock from time to time, but there’s no avoiding stupid.” She kisses my cheek and turns back to the customers beginning to stream into the bar.

  Kennedy doesn’t look surprised to see me walk through the door with Dahlia. After greeting her girlfriend with a kiss so hot that it probably leaves them both wishing they had some privacy, she gives me a quick hug, cuffing the back of my head.

  “Ow, you vile wench! That hurt,” I whine, rubbing the back of my scalp. I’m not lying, either. When she means business, Kennedy doesn’t pull her punches.

  “Quit being an idiot and I won’t have to hit you,” she points out. “Go, make yourself comfortable. You have about three minutes to figure out what you have to say for yourself.”

  When the girls settle on the couch across from me, I relay every detail from the amazing wake-up call to the elevator ride, and finally the moment I watched him walk out of the hotel. That was the last time anyone heard from him. Kennedy shakes her head while Dahlia glares daggers at me. I don’t know him well enough to say for sure, but I think Dominic and Dahlia are a lot alike in some ways. Both of them are out and proud, while Kennedy is keeping me company in the closet under the stairs. It’s dark and cramped, but it’s become home to us over the years. Kennedy seems to understand what I was trying to say to Dom, while Dahlia is acting like I’m the biggest asshole in history.

  “Well, if he’s gone, I think you need to learn from this and move on. You’re not doing anyone any good by wishing it were different.” Kennedy walks to her bedroom, closing the door behind her. When she’s still not back almost ten minutes later, I figure this trip was pointless. Kennedy’s pissed at me, Dahlia’s not saying a word, and I feel even worse than I did before. I stand, figuring there’s still time for me to catch the train back to the city.

  I’m almost to the front door when Dahlia speaks. “You two are both idiots, you know that?” I turn to see all five-feet two-inches of her stalking toward me, her hazel eyes almost glowing with anger. “You’re both so fucking comfortable with how your lives are because you can always fall back on one another. I can’t say I blame Dom for leaving your sorry ass behind. I know what it feels like to be the secret and it’s not pleasant. Every time she gets dressed up in her hetero-best to put on a show for your family or hers, I die a little inside. I wonder if the good times we have are worth it if she can’t share me with the people who claim to love her unconditionally.

  “Do any of you even know what that word means?” Dahlia’s arms are crossed so tightly over her chest I wonder if it’s possible to cut off circulation with a self bear hug. “It means your family accepts you for who you are, whether they like it or not. It means not having to lie and hide and hurt the one you claim to love more than life itself because your family won’t accept i
t. The fact that you thought so little of Dom that you spelled it all out like that, you’re lucky your nuts are still attached to your body because I would have ripped them off and made sure you watched me toss them down the trash compactor. Jesus, Tony! Kennedy is right. You need to learn from this because if you think the next guy is going to react any differently to your bullshit, you’re dead fucking wrong.”

  Over the top of Dahlia’s head, I can see Kennedy leaning against the wall at the end of the hallway, listening to every word her girlfriend is saying. Her face is lined with mascara tracks as tears trickle down her cheeks. “D, I’m so, so sorry,” she apologizes, rushing to comfort her girlfriend. “I never knew you felt that way. If I did, I would have--”

  “Don’t,” Dahlia barks, pulling Kennedy’s hands away from her body. “I don’t want to hear you say that you would have stood up to them because I know you won’t until you’re ready. Besides, tonight isn’t about us. Tonight’s about Tony’s stupid ass.

  “Tony, I love you like a brother, which is why I’m going to say this to you. You can decide if you love or hate me for it later. What you did to Dominic was unforgivable. I’ve only met him once, but I can tell he’s a good person with so much love to give the right man it makes me jealous. You don’t fucking deserve him. At the same time, I’m not so sure this has anything to do with you.”

  I try to disagree with Dahlia, but her hand clamps down on my mouth so no one can understand me. “Okay, so it has something to do with you, but I think you’re being a bit conceited to think you’re so amazing in the sack that Dom would bail on his best friend. Maybe this is destiny’s way of throwing your ass a dose of wake-the-fuck-up. Both of you.” She turns to look at Kennedy, who seems to be just as affected by her lecture as I am and then walks over to the couch. “Now, I’m going to watch a movie. Join me or don’t, I don’t give a fuck right about now.”

  I settle into the middle cushion on the couch and Kennedy curls into one side while Dahlia takes the other. No more is said about how stupid Kennedy and I are or how we hurt those around us. We choose to ignore the pain by watching a campy B movie with horrible acting and even worse special effects.

  As the credits roll, I wiggle my way out from between two sleeping women and sneak to the spare bedroom. I drift off to sleep, promising whatever god is watching over me that I will do everything in my power to never hurt anyone again in exchange for Dom getting in touch with someone.

  “Go away,” I mumble, pulling the covers over my head. The pounding on the door continues. Looking out the bedroom window, I’m jolted awake when I see that it’s still dark. Who the hell is here at…damn, it’s only four in the morning.

  “Dominic, open the mother fucking door. I know you’re in there.” Andrew? How in the hell did he find me?

  “Just a minute,” I yell, reaching for the first pair of pants I can find, buttoning and zipping them as I pad down the hallway to the back door. “What’s wrong?” I ask. Andrew shoves the door open and pushes me back against the wall.

  “You disappear for three days, don’t answer your phone when it’s ringing off the hook and you have the balls to ask me what’s wrong?” Andrew seethes. I struggle in his grasp, but he’s a hell of a lot stronger than I am. My body stiffens, preparing for him to punch me. I deserve it, so I won’t fight back when it comes. “And as if that’s not enough, I should be at home in bed making love to my new wife, but instead, I’m making a middle of the night road trip to find out if you’re dead in a pool of your own vomit up here. Jesus, Dom! What were you thinking?”

  “How did you find me?” I ask, overcome with the fact that he actually worried about me but not wanting to talk to him about this. Tony’s his family now and I’m not going to pull him into our mess. Besides, I’m starting to realize that Tony may have been the catalyst for my little breakdown, but it really has nothing to do with him.

  Andrew lets go of me and starts slamming cupboard doors in the kitchen. Finding what he’s looking for, he starts a pot of coffee and pulls the box of leftover pizza out of the fridge. “I put a tracking app on your phone before you moved to Phoenix, you stupid asshole.”

  He what?

  “Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I did it because you were talking about wanting to go camping in the desert and all sorts of other shit and I was worried about you.” He shoves half a slice in his mouth and pauses long enough to chew. “Little did I know I’d need it to track your ass to Rhode Island. What happened to make you come up here, Dom?”

  Now that his initial panic is easing, I begin to relax. Andrew walks through the cottage, taking in the place I didn’t think he knew existed. How could he? I’ve tried to keep this part of my life secluded from everything else. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry I worried you so much that you drove all the way up here, but I’m a big boy. I didn’t think I had to clear my plans with you.”

  I’m acting like a petulant child and I know it, but I can’t help myself. I’ve done too much talking about the past with people who understand, I’m not about to have to start at the very beginning with Andrew. Plus, then I’d have to tell him why I never told him about Brandon before. Or why Tony’s words were a trigger the other day.

  Jason and I have spent a lot of time talking since I got here and it’s actually helping. He has a knack for being my friend when I need him to be and being the therapist I swore I didn’t need at other times. He’s the one who figured out that it wasn’t even the fact that Tony warned me he was going to ignore me that made me snap, it was my feelings for him. The thought of him ever coming out to his parents for me scared the shit out of me. Only one man has ever done that, and four days later I lost him forever. Four amazing days of thinking we’d be together forever. And I suppose we were, at least for Brandon.

  “That’s too fucking bad, Dom. If you’d picked up the phone and told me you were alive, I would have given you space. But you decided to ignore me, Cara, and even your dad. By the way, you should probably call him and tell him you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere because he’s scared shitless right now.” I highly doubt that, but figure it’d be unwise to say as much with the mood Andrew’s in right now.

  Andrew walks into the living room and folds himself into a too-small occasional chair. “The fact that you’re ignoring everyone tells me this isn’t about Tony. Now, I’m smarter than you think and I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on, but I want to hear it from you. We’ve been friends for a hell of a long time, and I think it’s time that you start being honest with me.”

  “Yeah? You think you know what’s going on in my fucked up head?” My teeth are clenched so tight that my jaw is starting to ache. “Tell me, big shot, why am I here, avoiding everyone?”

  “Brandon.” With one word, Andrew’s able to drop me to the ground. He knows.

  “How?” I ask, so quietly I’m not sure he hears me. Andrew moves to sit next to me on the ground and I fall into his arms. As nice as it is to have people who care about me, I’m getting tired of everyone feeling like I’ll fall apart if they don’t hold the pieces of me. Then again, is it their perception or reality, when my knees keep buckling under me?

  “Dom, you lived with me for how long? You had nightmares for a long time, but I never asked you about them. I figured that you’d tell me when you were ready.” Andrew shifts so his back is against the couch. “And one time when Jason couldn’t get in touch with you because you were out exploring the world or whatever, he called the office because there was a problem with the roof and he was trying to get authorization for the repairs. That was when I found out about this place. He didn’t tell me much, but enough that I was able to put the pieces together.

  “Want to tell me about him?” Andrew prods, squeezing my shoulder affectionately. I shake my head, but quickly find myself telling him the entire story from the moment I met Brandon at wrestling camp to the day he died.

  “The worst part was not being able to say goodbye to him,” I sob, grateful that And
rew won’t judge me for this moment of weakness. “His parents were furious when Jason called them because I was inconsolable. They blamed both of us for turning Brandon gay. Later, they turned every ounce of hatred toward me because they couldn’t hate Jason; he was practically family because their dads were such good friends.”

  “Fuck, D. I wish you hadn’t kept all of this from me,” Andrew says softly. The sun is peeking over the horizon and we fill our mugs to share a sunrise dedicated to putting the past to rest and moving forward.

  Andrew’s with Dom. He’s safe. Get your butt back here so I can fill you in before they get back.

  While not as pleasant as waking up to Dom drooling on my chest, I spring out of bed racing to make it to the train station. If he was refusing to see me, Caroline likely would have let me rot in Kennedy’s apartment. Dahlia’s already awake and making breakfast when I sprint toward the door.

  “Good morning to you too, asshole.” I turn on my heel, spinning her around the kitchen. I’m probably getting a bit ahead of myself, but I can’t help but be optimistic that I’ll go to bed tonight with a bit of clarity I don’t have right now. I’ll probably be alone, and there’s at least a fifty-fifty chance I’ll have a black eye for Christmas morning, but I won’t be wondering what I did that was so horrible.

  “It is a good morning!” I kiss Dahlia on the lips, earning me a swat on the ass. “Thanks for setting me straight last night. Caroline texted me and Dom’s headed back to their place right now. I swear, D, if he’ll give me a chance, I’m not going to screw this up. Even if we’re never together, I think he’s a great guy and I want to be friends with him.”

  Dahlia flinches at my words. “Ouch! One last piece of advice before you head out…don’t use the ‘friends’ bit on him. Grovel, kiss his ass, do whatever he demands and leave it at that. If you wind up friends, that’s great. But if you two were put in one another’s paths for a reason, geography won’t mean shit, and then the friends line will just be salt in his gaping wounds.”