Follow the River (River of Rain Book 1)

by CE Ricci

  The night before everything crumbled around us, leaving us in shambles, trying in vain to pick up the pieces.

  “One more,” a voice breaks through my thinking, finally pulling me from the haze that has clouded my mind.

  My triceps and deltoids are on fire as well as my pecs when I press the bar for the final rep, loading it back onto the rack. I shake out my arms, shooting up on the bench into a sitting position and glance over at Garrett. As quarterback, I’m not supposed to bench press, which Garrett knows full and well. Thankfully he keeps his trap shut though, since right now, I need the burn it brings.

  Pain cancels out pain, you can only feel one form of it at a time, and if I can make my body ache enough, maybe it will ease the one in my heart after all the bullshit with Rain.

  That’s exactly what it is too. A bunch of fucking bullshit.

  Every single word out of his goddamn mouth was a goddamn lie, I’m almost positive. I’d be willing to bet my life on it.

  The real question is...why?

  Why did he lie? Why is he trying to push me away? Why is he hiding things from me? Why didn’t he tell me Senator Anders was his stepfather?

  Why? Why? Why?

  All these damn questions have been searing in the back of my mind since I woke up this morning, with a headache to last the ages, and I had a chance to comprehend everything he said. No matter how many times I replay the conversation in my brain, I come up with the same conclusion.

  It doesn’t make sense.

  Which, in all honesty, isn’t much of a conclusion at all. But, because it doesn’t make sense, I might be able to get some answers, so long as Rain will actually speak to me once I manage to track his ass down.

  I tried calling him this morning, when I was sober, thank fuck, but he didn’t answer. To be expected, since we were screaming at each other not even twelve hours prior. I could keep calling, hoping he will eventually pick up. Except he would probably end up blocking my number, if he hasn’t already.

  Maybe go to the registrar's office and get a copy of his schedule and switch into one of his classes, so he has to see me every day? No, that’s a little much.

  There’s always the option of staking out his apartment like a damn stalker and waiting to ambush him into a conversation.

  Fuck me. I’m not proud of the fact that I’m seriously debating the last one, but clearly I’m getting desperate. It hasn’t even been a full twenty-four hours since our…fight? Break up? Falling out?

  Whatthefuckever.

  The point is, I’m already going half insane and probably took ten years off the life of my liver last night alone. There’s no way I can go through the rest of my damn life feeling the loss of him, knowing there were all these unanswered questions that might give me some form of closure.

  I love him enough to let him go, if that’s what has to happen. But I at least deserve a conversation not involving jabs and insults shot out like bullets aimed to kill.

  “Ain’t that Grady? I thought he lifted at a different time during the off season?” Garrett asks randomly, effectively pulling me from my newly formed stalkerish tendencies. I glance up at him to find him pointing out the large glass window separating the weight room from the hallway to Coach’s office, the locker rooms, and other parts of the team’s facilities.

  Rolling my eyes, I attempt to refocus my thoughts when his words finally register.

  Grady.

  My head whips around, and my heart practically leaps out of my chest because holy shit God really does exist and performs miracles because Garrett is right. That’s most definitely Rain walking down the hall, heading toward the exit. I’d recognize that ass anywhere.

  Not wanting to waste a moment, I jump to my feet and bolt for the door, grabbing my duffle along the way. I glance at Garrett over my shoulder, calling out to him. “I need to talk to Grady for a minute, let’s pick this up tomorrow!”

  I don’t even bother waiting for a response from the freshman, jogging down the corridor in the direction the man—who I’m positive is the love of my life—just disappeared down.

  I run after him, surely looking like a lunatic, but when I burst through the doors leading to the quad, I don’t see him right away.

  Fuck, did I lose him?

  I almost laugh at the irony of that thought, for more than one reason. Because, yeah, I did fucking lose him. I lost his overwhelming presence, his intoxicating laughter, his dirty smirk and flirtatious smiles. I lost all of him. Every fucking piece.

  But in reality, I know that isn’t right, because you can’t lose something that was never truly yours to begin with.

  Spinning in a circle, I frantically search for him, knowing he can’t have gotten far. Deciding he’s most likely heading to his car, I make a beeline for the parking lot the student athletes use across the open quad.

  My palm slams against my driver’s side door as I dig with my other in my duffle frantically looking for my keys. A flash of orange flies through my peripheral and I instantly recognize it as Rain’s Jeep Wrangler.

  Thank God for his ostentatious colored vehicle.

  I watch as he peels out of the parking lot and down the street away from campus. Clutching my keys in my fist, I scramble into the driver’s seat, closing myself inside the car, starting the engine and throwing the Range Rover into reverse.

  It doesn’t take long to catch up to Rain’s vehicle as he weaves his way through the busy traffic of Boulder on a weekday afternoon. I follow a few car lengths behind him, making sure I stay close enough to always beat a light if needed, but far enough away he wouldn’t be able to recognize me through his rearview mirror.

  It could be any Rover on the streets of Boulder, I tell myself, seeing as they aren’t all that uncommon in the area. He doesn’t know you’re tailing him like a fucking creep.

  Huh. Well, I guess I’m really not above stalking after all.

  My fingers blanche against the wheel, my grip is that tight, as I continue to trail behind Rain, “in the dark” by Bring Me The Horizon filling the silence of the car. Even as he branches off onto less busy streets, heading in the direction of the Boulder Municipal Airport, I still feel my body on edge.

  Why is he going to the airport?

  Sweat breaks out on my forehead, or maybe it was already there from chasing after him, as we pass through a gate with ease leading to the tarmac.

  He had to have noticed my car by now and realized I’m following him. Ours are the only two vehicles entering the airport, from the same place, at the same time.

  He has to know, right?

  I slow to a crawl, watching as Rain continues down the tarmac, passing multiple hangers before pulling to a stop a few yards from with what looks to be a private jet sitting idle just past the parking spots.

  As discreetly as possible, I slip my car into a parking spot at the hanger directly next to the one Rain is at, about a hundred yards away.

  A football field. That’s what is separating me from the love of my life, the man I want to fucking fight for, right now.

  But not for long.

  Opening my door and siding from the seat, leaving the engine still running, I head in the direction of Rain, who is standing with his back against the passenger door of his Jeep.

  A twinge of unease pricks at my brain, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end. Who is on the plane?

  It’s not…Ted…is it?

  There’s no way Rain would be driving to the airport to pick up that fucking molester like he’s dropping by for a fatherly visit.

  No, that’s not fucking possible. It would be a cold day in hell before that happened. Rain might not have given me all the details, but I saw the disdain in his eyes, heard the loathing laced with anguish in his husky voice when he spoke of his stepfather that night in our makeshift fort.

  Hatred isn’t a strong enough word to describe the way Ciaráin Grady feels about Senator Theodore Anders. If I can be one hundred percent positive about anything when it come
s to Rain, it’s that.

  Speeding to a brisk walk, I close the distance between us. Distance I’m never going to allow to stay between us after this.

  One way or a-fucking-nother, we’re hashing our shit out, here and now.

  Half a football field to go, the door to the plane begins lowering to the ground, revealing a set of stairs leading to the plane’s interior.

  Forty yards. Rain rises to his full height, taking a step toward the stairs.

  Thirty yards. A form appears at the top of the stairs, clearly male, but hidden in the shadows still.

  Twenty-five yards. Please don’t be that fucking bastard, or I swear to God, I won’t be leaving here unless it’s in a body bag or handcuffs.

  Twenty yards…

  My eyes must be playing tricks on me…because Roman fucking Mitchell steps from the shadows of the plane.

  And my entire world collapses, the sky slamming into the surface of the Earth, and nothing, not even a cockroach, could manage to survive this level of desolation.

  I’m frozen in place as, to my horror, Roman begins descending the stairs, looking like the rich prick he is, dressed in a navy suit and a light blue dress shirt, the top button undone and a navy tie hung loosely around his neck. But it isn’t his expensive look or his expertly styled hair that fracture my heart into thousands of pieces.

  It’s the smile on his face, bright and white and fucking perfect, when his arms wrap around Rain with familiarity. And, if that weren’t bad enough, Rain returns the gesture, coiling his arms around Roman in return. As if they had just seen each other a couple days ago, rather than living the past four years in silence.

  Four fucking years.

  A hand punches through the flesh and bone of my chest, snatching my heart in its grip. Slowly, painfully fucking slow, the fist tugs and pulls and rips until my heart is yanked free from my chest. Because that’s when I realize…this is it. The end of the line.

  We’re water and oil, and those two things never fucking mix. You have to accept that.

  How could I have been so blind? Of course he was right. We don’t mesh.

  From the very beginning, Rain fought this attraction between us, whereas I was open and accepting about it. Eventually he caved, succumbing to the lust and desire we felt for each other, but even when that happened, he didn’t actually let me in enough for us to ever be considered anything more than fuck buddies.

  It’s a means to an end, that’s it.

  I never actually believed those words from him, I thought he was putting up a front, a wall aimed at keeping me out.

  Except, as I watch Roman and Rain still locked in their embrace, it seems Rain really was keeping me at arm’s length, all while willingly using me as his guinea pig, his goddamn test dummy. And that is what he did. Used me to sort out his sexual preferences. He took hold of my mind, wormed his way into my heart, made me fall in-fucking-love with him. But like he said, only as a means to an end.

  You were nothing more to me than a place to stick my cock. That’s all it ever was, and that’s all it will ever be.

  My throat constricts, eyes blurring with unshed tears as I finally understand all I ever was…was a placeholder. Now that he has seemingly accepted himself, thanks to my help, why wouldn’t he be with the man he wanted desperately, the guy who knows him better than I could ever dream? Though it wasn’t for my lack of effort.

  I shut everyone out! You’re nothing special! I don’t need you, River.

  No Rain, clearly you don’t when you had someone else all along.

  The gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be aching, pleading for the piece of me that’s now missing, I now know I’ll never get it back. Not fully. Still, my hand flies to my chest, rubbing absently over the space where my heart once lived as if to ease the pain.

  After what seems like a million years and thousands of unshed tears on my part, Roman pulls away from Rain, one hand still on his upper arm, giving him a warm smile. His mouth moves, the words unintelligible from this distance, and he bites his lip at Rain’s response before letting out a throaty laugh.

  My eyes fixate on the back of Rain’s head and the silky dark brown hair as I try to regulate my breathing, but it’s no use. I’ve never experienced a panic attack before in my life, but I think that is what this is.

  Chest pain, labored breathing, nausea and dizziness.

  Sure as hell sounds like a panic attack to me. That, or a heart attack.

  Except I no longer have one of those.

  Rain opens his body toward me, his hand motioning for Roman to hop into his Jeep, and it’s in that moment I’m finally spotted.

  Two pairs of eyes snap to me instinctively, one I know to be the color of golden whiskey I’d recognize as well as my own. The other, a dark hazel green, so dark they’re almost black, as I learned from the images online that brought this whole mess upon us.

  Roman glances between Rain and I before his eyes finally settle on Rain and he speaks. What he says, I couldn’t tell you, but whatever it is, Rain nods in response, his eyes never leaving me.

  Tracking Roman’s movements with my gaze, he opens the back door of the Jeep, tossing in a bag I didn’t notice he was holding before climbing into the passenger side of the vehicle. Our stares lock once again through the windshield, and I hold his eyes, fighting to assert myself, even when it’s pointless.

  Clearly, the line has already been drawn and I’m on the wrong side of it.

  I know I should leave, walk back to my car with my head held high, let him realize on his own what he is missing out on. Swear on my life, I try.

  But godfuckingdamnit, why can’t I make my feet move?

  The minute Roman breaks our connection, my eyes slide closed in an effort to keep the tears at bay. He’s not fucking worth them. Neither of them. At least, that’s what I tell myself, when the truth is Rain is worth every goddamn hardship, every minute of walking through hell and battling his demons.

  He. Is. Worth. It.

  But apparently I’m not the only one who knows that, otherwise Roman wouldn’t be here, after all this time, attempting to make things work between them. No matter the pain it might cause me, the tension that will break us once again, Rain chose him. But in doing so, he will also turn us back into the people we were before we went to that cabin.

  That might be the worst part of this whole thing.

  To think, after everything we went through—the hatred, the intoxicating desire, and the soul-consuming connection we formed—we’re going back to what we were before. What we said we would never be again.

  Enemies.

  My eyes slowly open and make their way back up to Rain, and I find his amber stare is still locked on me. From a distance, I can’t get a read on them, no matter the amount of effort I put into analyzing them.

  My mind and my feet are at war with each other, one holding me firmly in place, but the other desperate to propel me forward in order to reach him. But, as if sensing my internal struggle, Rain spins around and climbs into his vehicle. As the door slams behind him, without a backward glance, and the roar of the engine starting drowns out the whimper that falls from my throat, I know.

  I realize I was wrong.

  We’re not enemies anymore.

  We’re something much worse than that.

  Strangers.

  THE END...for now.

  I know you’re probably feeling a lot right now.

  Angry, hurt, betrayed. Empty, broken, confused.

  Completely pissed off with that cliffhanger.

  I wish I could tell you I’m sorry for that, but I’m not a liar. I’m glad you’re feeling these things because that means you were able to connect with River and Rain on an emotional level and that is exactly what I wanted for this novel.

  Just know that everything you’ve felt? I had to feel it multiplied by a thousand when I wrote down each and every word of this book. These two own such a large piece of my soul and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever recover t
he part of myself I gave them in writing this book.

  Now, don’t fret. This story is far from over. All your questions, because I’m sure you have plenty, will be answered in the second half of this duet. After Rain Falls is coming and it will be the conclusion to River and Rain’s story. If I had my way, you wouldn’t have to wait for this duet to be completed, but they deserve the world, and as such, they deserve all the time it takes for me to work out the best way to finish their story.

  I hope you fell in love with River and Rain as they started this journey together. More so, I hope it was hard for you to choose which one you loved more. Pieces of who I am are inside each of them, and while their journey of self-discovery might not be one I’ve taken myself, it has been cathartic on a multitude of levels in working out my own issues.

  I don’t know exactly where I’m trying to go with this other than saying thank you for making it this far. For the kind words and reviews and messages and just everything. For loving them even a fraction of the amount I do.

  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  All my love,

  CE

  Wow, okay. So I wrote a book and actually published it. That’s a little insane to me because it’s been a dream of mine since I was in middle school and to see it come true is honestly the greatest feeling in the world. But I didn’t take this journey alone, so I have plenty of people I need to thank for helping me reach this point.

  First of all, a huge, monstrous thank you to my husband and my fur babies for putting up with me slacking on chores, not giving you enough attention, spending entire nights away from the house or locked up in my office, or sleeping alone because I was too lost in this world with River and Rain. I know it hasn’t been easy, but I love the three of you all the more for allowing me to chase this dream. You’re my world, forever and always.

  Second, thank you to Abby Capps. You know as well as I do that this book would never have happened if it wasn’t for you pushing and pushing me to give M/M a chance. I fell in love with it because of you and that alone has me forever indebted to you. To be honest, River and Rain wouldn’t exist in this capacity if we’d never met. You’re the greatest friend, beta/alpha, and PA in the world and there will never be a day I won’t be forever grateful to have you in my life. I value your friendship, opinion, and love so fucking much. Thank you for putting up with me and all my insanity. I love you. River is yours. (Except when he’s mine, obviously).