Sydney Harbor Hospital – 06 – Bella's Wishlist

by Emily Forbes

  Her sister looked her up and down. ‘It looks gorgeous. Do you like it?’

  ‘It feels fantastic,’ Bella admitted. She loved the feel of the silk against her skin but it was far too revealing an outfit for her. ‘But I couldn’t possibly wear it in here.’

  ‘Not even the jacket?’ Lexi asked.

  The jacket was rather fun but Bella knew it would look ridiculous over her pyjamas. Maybe she could wear it over a singlet top but she’d still have old pyjama pants on. She shook her head, she had nothing to wear it with, and then she closed the door and swapped glamour for comfort.

  She handed the garments to Lexi as she emerged from the bathroom.

  ‘I’m not taking them home,’ Lexi said, ‘I’ll just leave them on the bed in case you change your mind.’ Slightly mollified, Lexi laid them across the foot of Bella’s bed before she left, promising to come back later in the after noon.

  Bella’s morning tea had been delivered but as she ate she couldn’t stop thinking about the red negligee. And about how different she was from her sister. Although perhaps their taste in men wasn’t so dissimilar, she thought. She had to agree with Lexi, Charlie was hot. But that was where the similarities ended. Bella would be mortified if anyone saw her in that outfit whereas Lexi would lap up the attention. Lexi would have worn the negligee and flicked her platinum locks and flirted up a storm with an attractive man, while Bella would retreat into the safety of her androgynous pyjamas. She reached for the negligee and picked it up, letting the silky fabric run through her fingers before she stroked the soft collar of the jacket. Perhaps she could redesign this into something she might wear. Something a little less flamboyant, a little less showgirl, a little more restrained.

  She had one last mouthful of chocolate ice cream and a final bite of the chocolate muffin before she pushed the morning tea tray to one side to start drawing. She looked at the wedding-dress sketch she’d begun on the scrap of paper and ideas based around the little jacket began popping into her mind. She started sketching another wedding dress, pretending it was something she might one day wear but knowing she was kidding herself. It would never be her. She’d spent so much time in and out of hospital in her short life that she’d never even had a proper boyfriend. When she’d been well enough to go to school she’d always been so far behind in her work that her time had been spent trying to catch up. Making matters more complicated was her mild dyslexia, which had made schoolwork even harder. She could have decided not to bother and concentrated on boys and having a good time instead but it wasn’t in her nature to give up so she’d struggled on. Besides, it wasn’t like the boys had ever been interested in her anyway, not when her gorgeous younger sister had always been nearby.

  The only time Bella had ever come close to having a romantic experience had been on a camp run by the cystic fibrosis foundation. That was where she’d had her first, and only, kiss and she didn’t kid herself it had been because the boy hadn’t been able to resist her. It had happened because it was a teenage camp and most of them had been in the same boat, looking for normal teenage experiences. With her history, walking down the aisle as a bride wasn’t something that was likely to happen in her future. She was resigned to being the spinster sister. Lexi was already engaged and even though Evie wasn’t showing any signs of settling down yet, Bella knew it would only be a matter of time. Whereas, for her … She sighed, but, she supposed, being unmarried was probably better than being dead. Probably.

  She needed to be positive. That’s what Charlie had told her. She looked again at the red negligee as she thought about Charlie. She wondered what he would make of it. He’d probably seen more than his fair share of gorgeous, scantily clad women and she wondered how she would compare. Unfavourably, she imagined.

  She thought back to their conversation yesterday. She’d amazed herself that she’d actually been able to get the words out, she’d been terribly nervous and had had difficulty stopping herself from fidgeting obsessively, but in the end she’d managed to have a one-on-one conversation with Charlie. It was no small coincidence that the last time she’d had a personal conversation with someone who wasn’t related to her or who wasn’t her doctor had also been with Charlie. She doubted he even remembered that night, the night of her high-school graduation ball, or more accurately the night she’d missed her high-school ball, but Charlie had made her night considerably better and even if he might have forgotten all about it, she knew she never would. She didn’t find it easy to open up to people but Charlie was a good listener. He was always so relaxed and that seemed to relax her. Still not enough to completely eradicate her nerves, but it was a start.

  Charlie had wanted to know what she’d wanted. ‘Nothing,’ she’d said. But that wasn’t quite true. There were a lot of things she wanted. Well, not things exactly, experiences would be a better term for it. Because of the cystic fibrosis she’d missed out on so many things her sisters had done and if she could, she’d love a chance to try some of those things for herself.

  She wanted to go on a proper date.

  She wanted to be held in the arms of a gorgeous man and twirled around the dance floor.

  She wanted to wear a fabulous dress with a full skirt that floated around her and a plunging neckline before she had terrible scars.

  She wanted to stand under a starry sky and be kissed senseless.

  She wanted to stay up all night and watch the sun rise over the ocean.

  She wanted to lie on a picnic rug with her head in her boyfriend’s lap and eat strawberries and drink champagne.

  She wanted to be able to say, ‘They’re playing our song.’

  She wanted someone to look at her as though she was the most desirable woman he’d ever seen.

  She wanted to fall in love.

  Bella laughed at herself. She couldn’t go back in time and she was so unaccustomed to looking forward that she couldn’t imagine getting a chance to do any of those things. There were way too many variables.

  First she’d have to have the opportunity to meet someone, then she’d have to be brave enough to engage them in conversation, then she’d have to wait and hope for them to ask her out. She wished she could be a bit more like Lexi. Lexi wouldn’t wait to be asked out. Lexi never needed to wait.

  Bella wished she was confident enough to flirt and chat but even if she was, who would she flirt with? Who was she going to meet in here? Charlie was coming but there was no way she could flirt with him. Even assuming she knew how to flirt, he would wonder what on earth had gotten into her. It was all she could do to have a normal conversation, she’d have to be crazy to push herself any further. She wished she didn’t find Charlie quite so attractive. She might be able to flirt with someone she didn’t have a crush on, but what was the point in that? She wouldn’t want to date anyone she didn’t fancy. But did that mean she would date Charlie? She knew she would in a flash and just thinking about it made her blush. It was a ridiculous idea. She couldn’t imagine him asking her out any more than she could imagine flirting with him.

  ‘Ciao, Bella, you’re looking brighter today.’

  The sound of his voice made her jump. She’d been a million miles away and for a moment she wondered if she’d imagined him and his familiar greeting, but when she looked up she found him smiling at her and her heart skipped a beat.

  He was wearing short-sleeved blue scrubs and had obviously just come from Theatre. His forearms were tanned and muscular but tapered nicely into narrower wrists and the long, slender fingers she always associated with surgeon’s hands.

  Bella took a deep breath as she willed herself to stay calm. You’ve known him for years, he’s just a man.

  But he was so gorgeous, was it any wonder she got all flustered? He was standing in front of her, looking hot and sexy, while she was in bed, looking frumpy and pale. They were at opposite ends of the spectrum as far as sex appeal went. Perhaps she should have left the negligee on. It might have been better than her ancient pyjama pants.

  The t
wo of them were such a contrast it almost made her laugh out loud. It was ridiculous to even imagine he’d ever ask her out.

  Somehow she found her voice. ‘I’m feeling much better,’ she answered. ‘Whatever cocktail Sam has put me on seems to be working.’ She knew she had more colour in her cheeks but it wasn’t because she was feeling better, it was because she’d been daydreaming about Charlie, and now that he was standing in front of her she felt her cheeks redden further.

  Charlie stepped closer and brought the smell of sunshine with him, which overpowered the antiseptic smell of the hospital. Bella took a deep breath and savoured his scent as she tried to commit it to memory.

  ‘Have you had a chance to speak to Sam about the wedding?’ he asked.

  She nodded.

  His brown eyes watched her intently. ‘How did that go?’

  She smiled, remembering how nervous Sam had seemed. ‘He said he’d do his best but I could tell he didn’t like his chances. You’d think someone who’s feted as being a top-class surgeon would be afraid of nothing, but I think Lexi is calling the shots.’

  Charlie burst out laughing. The sound of happiness filled the room and made Bella smile even wider.

  ‘He did say he’ll file their notice of intent to marry. They need to have that lodged a month and one day before they can legally tie the knot.’

  ‘That’s a start at least,’ Charlie said as he reached out his hand and ran a finger lazily around the edge of her almost empty bowl. He slid his finger into his mouth and Bella’s eyes were riveted to the sight of it disappearing between his delicious lips as he licked it clean. He raised one eyebrow. ‘Chocolate ice cream for morning tea? That’s an interesting diet.’

  ‘Don’t you know? A high-fat diet is recommended for cystic fibrosis sufferers.’

  ‘Is that right?’ His brown eyes caught the light and the tiny flecks of gold in his irises reflected the light back at her.

  She nodded. ‘There has to be an upside every now and again, and eating dessert at any time of the day or night is one of them.’ Never mind the assortment of tablets lined up on her shelf. Pancreatic enzyme replacement tablets, vitamin capsules and salt replacement tablets marched along the wall in an orderly row, ready and waiting to be taken regularly, but fortunately Charlie hadn’t noticed them. His attention had moved on from the ice cream to her sketch book, which was lying open on the table.

  ‘What have you been up to?’ he asked.

  She glanced down at her sketch book, surprised to see the pages covered with drawings.

  A full-skirted wedding dress with a fur-trimmed fitted jacket took up most of one page and beside it she’d drawn a pair of intertwined rings. She remembered starting the dress but she didn’t recall filling in the rest of the pages. Luckily she could pass the dress off as Lexi’s wedding dress but the other sketches had nothing to do with Lexi. While she’d been daydreaming her hand had been transferring her thoughts to the paper. There was a sunrise warming an ocean and casting light onto a sandy beach. She could see footprints in the sand and in the corner of the page, where the footprints stopped, she could see the tasselled fringing of a picnic rug.

  In the centre of the other page she’d drawn a pale green silk dress, its neckline similar to that of the negligee but with a full skirt. She’d drawn the skirt so that it was billowing out as if it was spinning to the music made by the notes she’d surrounded it with. She must have continued doodling absent-mindedly and stars, strawberries and music notes were scattered over the page, surrounding the green dress.

  Around the edge of this page, framing it in a border, were lips—plump, juicy, soft lips, coloured in shades of pink and red. She blushed as she saw the frame she’d made, a frame of Charlie’s lips. But it was too late to close the book, too late to hide her thoughts. Charlie had spun the book around, looking more closely at the pictures.

  ‘Your drawings are really good.’

  Please, please, don’t let him recognise the lips.

  ‘Is this for Lexi?’ he asked, pointing to the wedding dress.

  ‘Mmm,’ Bella replied.

  ‘And is this the bridesmaid’s dress?’

  She shook her head. ‘No.’

  Could she tell him? Talking about other people was easy, that came much more naturally to her; talking about herself was harder, much harder. But she’d managed to talk to him yesterday. It was silly to be so nervous.

  She looked at her sketches. If she wanted any of those things to happen she would have to force herself to bury the introvert within her. Shy, retiring wallflowers didn’t get any of those things she wanted, experience had taught her that already. She was twenty-six years old, she’d known Charlie for ever, it was time to start being a little more extroverted.

  She took a deep mental breath. ‘That’s the dress I want to wear to go dancing.’

  ‘Who are you going dancing with?’

  She could hear the note of surprise in his voice.

  ‘No one,’ she replied. ‘I was daydreaming. These are things I’d like to do when I get out of here.’

  ‘You’ve drawn a “to do” list?’ he asked.

  Bella shrugged. ‘I think in pictures, not words,’ she explained. Even before she’d been diagnosed with dyslexia she’d always thought in pictures and found drawing a much easier way of expressing herself. ‘And it’s not exactly a “to do” list, more a wishlist.’

  ‘So, dancing?’

  Bella nodded and Charlie pointed to the next picture.

  ‘I want to stand on the beach and see the sun rise,’ she told him. She held her breath as she waited for him to point to the next picture. Please don’t ask about the stars in the sky. She didn’t have the words to explain that she wanted to be properly and thoroughly kissed by someone who knew what they were doing. She relaxed when he pointed to the footprints in the sand that led from the sunrise to the picnic blanket.

  ‘I want to go on a picnic.’

  ‘A picnic?’ He was frowning. ‘Surely you’ve been on a picnic?’

  ‘A proper picnic,’ she said.

  ‘What on earth is a “proper picnic”?’ he asked with a smile which made Bella’s heart rate kick up a notch.

  ‘You know, like the ones in movies where there is such an enormous amount of food you wonder how they’ve managed to fit it all into the basket let alone carry it across the field. Just two people, in a world of their own, no one else around, just peace and quiet.’

  ‘Let me guess.’ Charlie laughed. ‘The champagne has stayed cold, the salad isn’t soggy and the ants aren’t trying to share your meal.’

  ‘Laugh if you must, but someday I am going to enjoy a proper, perfect picnic.’

  ‘So you’re going to be at Lexi’s wedding, watch the sunrise, go on a perfect picnic and dance under the stars?’ he said as he turned the page, obviously looking for more pictures. ‘Where’re the rest?’

  ‘That’s it.’

  ‘That’s not much. You could knock that all over in one weekend.’

  ‘You might be able to. I’m not sure if I’d have the stamina.’

  ‘So what’s this for?’ Charlie treated her to a wicked grin as his hand dipped down towards the end of her bed and disappeared behind the table holding the remnants of morning tea. When he lifted his hand back up the red negligee dangled from his index finger. The table positioned across her bed had hidden the negligee from sight and Bella had forgotten it was lying in full view.

  Bella blushed furiously. ‘Nothing. Lexi was supposed to take it home for me.’

  ‘Pity. I was hoping it had something to do with your list.’ The negligee looked particularly minuscule and flimsy hanging from Charlie’s finger and Bella couldn’t help but recall that this was the same finger that had sampled her ice cream and been licked clean by those luscious lips.

  ‘Like what?’ Bella asked, half terrified and half excited to hear what his answer might be.

  ‘It looks like something you might wear for a long lazy weekend in bed …�
�� he paused ever so slightly ‘… with company. Drinking champagne by moonlight and getting up only to cook scrambled eggs at midday before getting back between the sheets.’

  The picture Charlie painted was enough to make her blush. She’d never had a weekend like that, although it sounded as though Charlie was speaking from experience. He was folding the negligee as he waited for her answer and his hands looked strong and masculine tangled up in the flimsy fabric. The sight took any words right out of Bella’s head. All she could do was shake her head in reply.

  ‘So that’s really it, that’s your entire wishlist? What about something more challenging?’ Charlie asked.

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘I don’t know. Learning a musical instrument, running a marathon, learning another language, all those things other people always talk about doing one day.’

  ‘I’m not sure I’m going to have time to do those sorts of things.’

  Charlie frowned. ‘Why not?’

  ‘They’re all long-term goals,’ Bella said.

  ‘What’s wrong with that?’

  ‘Nothing.’ There was nothing at all wrong with it for other people. ‘It’s just I’ve never really thought long-term.’

  ‘Oh.’ She could see him connecting the dots.

  ‘I’ve never got into the habit of long-term goals,’ she explained. While things had improved considerably in the past twenty years, cystic fibrosis sufferers still didn’t have a long life expectancy.

  ‘But if you’re going to have a transplant, surely now’s the time to set some long-term goals. There must be something big you want to do?’

  ‘I’ve learnt not to set unrealistic goals,’ she told him. ‘Every time I started something that was going to require a large investment of time the wheels would fall off and I’d get sick and never finish anything. I barely even finished high school because I missed so much time. I haven’t expanded the list for after surgery because I’ve never thought long term, I wouldn’t know where to start. My goals have always had to be achievable in the short term.’ She looked up at him. ‘Do you have a plan for your future?’